This is new for me..

[OLR1986]

Hi everyone

This is something I would normally never do. I have never joined a forum or have had the need to use an outlet similar to this for relationship advice or how to manage my emotions through a difficult situation.

I have been married for two years and together for 5 years total. My soon to be ex-wife may have BPD, I discovered this through my therapist. of course he didn't diagnose her, he stated professionally that he was only trying to open an avenue that I need to look into and deiced if this is my reality. He gave the me the book "Walking On Egg Shells". After reading the book I can't express how much it touched me, opened my eyes and for once didn't feel alone or crazy for thinking something was off...

I love my wife dearly, sadly I have always not been enough or have done things in her perspective that were way out of bounds. I am not going to say that I am not guilty of distancing myself or backing away when I didn't understand what was going on when she started 'splitting'. As of now we are separated, have been for three months and this is the third separation she has initiated during our two year marriage.

She is now in love with another man, who has a two year old child, my wife and I also have a two year old. This is her third relationship, they always end in the worst way and she makes choices that I can fathom... at least now I feel like I may have the answer for that. Its been incredibly difficult to se my wife that I love so much jump into my arms and go through the honeymoon phase then out of no where she is upset and hates me. She immediately is in a new romantic situation without skipping a beat.

At the peak of what I now see as the most obvious indicators of what could possibly be BPD, she got pregnant with another man (our daughter was one year old then), she came to me for support as she decided he was not good for her and wanted an abortion. A day after the abortion she wanted us back together... I couldn't do it and it hurt me so much to not allow her back in my life. She quickly started dating this other man again without telling me and we started dating again around that time. When i found out she asked me if she could date us both, which killed me. Eventually she dropped him and we continued our marriage and then come the routine, I would chase after her, we got back together and then she would blame me for everything and without much explanation she would leave and start another relationship.

She has become a distant mother, which I can't believe... She use to be so engaged with our daughter. Now our daughter doesn't want to leave me, she tells me she doesn't want to go with her mom. She can't forgive and will hold onto the smallest issues with me and will not agree that her actions have been greatly more painful. Her flashes of anger and the hurtful things she says, only to cut me out of her life and devalue me.

I am at a loss, and I am doing my best to continue my life and move forward. Regardless it is beyond painful and I feel for my daughter. I have come here to find support and hopefully find advice, I don't know of she will come back, I have a feeling once this new romance ends that she will... I need to build new communication skills and understand her to best support her and not allow myself to be sucked into the cycle again.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[dazedandconfuzed]

Yes I remember when I first years ago googled: my girlfriend is like two people. And discovered BPD.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Its truly horrible what it does to people. How it gets past our defenses and can just destroy us.

This is easily the best resource that you can find for dealing with the disease and its repercussions. I know the hardest part is not taking it personally. It really hurts. But thats what you have to do. Look at it as an outsider. And understand that its not you. Look at the dynamics of the situation, and realize that no matter how hard you try there is literally nothing you can do that will make her happy and keep her happy. I've been broken up with for taking a bad picture, because if I loved her I would always take good pictures of her.

Your best bet isnt to build communication skills, your best bet is to rebuild your ego. To realize that you went above and beyond for a bottomless pit. You have to come from a position of strength and stability for your daughter. She is your priority.

[once removed]

hi OLR1986 and

it is kinda funny joining a forum for the first time. ive never been part of one either before this. we are all very sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here, but you could not have found a better community and support group. kudos to you for reaching out.

this is a difficult situation. advice will very much depend on how you want to go forward, and thats why i moved your post to the Saving board. do you want to rekindle the relationship? do you want to exit and grieve?

[OLR1986]

hi OLR1986 and

it is kinda funny joining a forum for the first time. ive never been part of one either before this. we are all very sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here, but you could not have found a better community and support group. kudos to you for reaching out.

this is a difficult situation. advice will very much depend on how you want to go forward, and thats why i moved your post to the Saving board. do you want to rekindle the relationship? do you want to exit and grieve?

Thank you, I appreciate the kind welcome.

I would be lying if I didn't say that I wanted for things to get better and to move forward with our marriage. Now that I have discovered this, I understand that it would be best to move on and find some kind of peace down the road.

Seeing as this is so new to me, I am not even sure if she would want it all back. Which bothers me, how could she just disengage and leave without ever looking back or try to find closure. I am aware now that this is part of the illness and if she came back that I would have to accept this and everything that has happened. Which at this point, I don't think I can...

Its funny, I look back at our relationship now and see things differently. I am not angry or upset anymore, I just feel sad that I didn't know why all of this was happening. I look back at our most recent time together, everything was perfect and god we were so happy and into each other. Out of nowhere I started to feel her disconnect from me, she went through this breast augmentation that I wasn't too fond of. After her surgery which I took care of her and did my best to love her through, she left the house for a week with our daughter... Came back and decided she didn't want to be here anymore...

I look back now and see why she said the mean things she did, why she didn't care. We had just upgraded our wedding rings only one month into being back together. She returned the rings without a wince and basically cut me out like it was nothing. It hurts to know that maybe there was a chance I could of saved everything if I knew what I know now.,

I know thats not true in a way, she may very well be always unhappy and upset with me. Either way its too late now and after three separations where she has been with other men, I can't do it anymore.

As far as advice goes... I am not sure. I guess just trying to move on and what has everyone else done to move forward. I am currently trying not to feel like I am the crazy one or the person with BPD... being in this situation has made me obsessed with being involved and questioning my own sanity.

[once removed]

you dont have to fully make up your mind today, and i recognize aspects are out of your control. the tools directly to the right of this board can inform your decision, and theyll be here if your circumstances change.

if for right now you want to focus on this:

it would be best to move on and find some kind of peace down the road

let me know and ill move your post back to the Crises board.