Husband newly diagnosed with BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I am new here. I have been married 11 years, it has been the classic walking on egg shells, Jeykll and Hyde story. They say often things have to get worse before they get better and through a crisis in our family this year, that is what has happened. My husband spiraled until he hit bottom and finally said, "I need help".
He is only a few weeks into therapy, starting group DBT next week. He has always been the strong, reliable, never ask for help type of guy... .So this is HUGE.
Just in my time learning about BPD, my eyes have been opened to so many moments throughout our marriage where he just seemed so damn hateful, where his emotions and reactions didn't line up with the moment. Where I was left feeling like a shell of a person when he was done with me, and now... .I am like, Oh my god... .that makes sense why he acted that way when such and such happened.
I am his biggest "trigger" his greatest insecurity and I therefore have been on the receiving end of him at his worst, over and over again.
Of course I love him and I am committed to him, that is why I am here. To find better understanding and hopefully find that I am not alone in this.
Thanks!

[Stiney]

Hi, I am new here. I have been married 11 years, it has been the classic walking on egg shells, Jeykll and Hyde story. They say often things have to get worse before they get better and through a crisis in our family this year, that is what has happened. My husband spiraled until he hit bottom and finally said, "I need help".
He is only a few weeks into therapy, starting group DBT next week. He has always been the strong, reliable, never ask for help type of guy... .So this is HUGE.
Just in my time learning about BPD, my eyes have been opened to so many moments throughout our marriage where he just seemed so damn hateful, where his emotions and reactions didn't line up with the moment. Where I was left feeling like a shell of a person when he was done with me, and now... .I am like, Oh my god... .that makes sense why he acted that way when such and such happened.
I am his biggest "trigger" his greatest insecurity and I therefore have been on the receiving end of him at his worst, over and over again.
Of course I love him and I am committed to him, that is why I am here. To find better understanding and hopefully find that I am not alone in this.
Thanks!

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[AskingWhy]

Stiney, welcome to the forum! 

You are a kind and loving wife to want to learn about your husband's BPD diagnosis.  The diagnosis is the first step, and your husband wants help.   As you noted, sometimes people with problems have to hit the "bottom" before they are forced to seek help. 

"You always hurt the one you love," that line from a song, is very true for the spouses of pwBPD.

You already know the splitting/Jekyll and Hyde feature of pwBPD.  Realizing the incidents in your marriage were actions of a BPD must have been like a light bulb turning on.

You will find many resources here on communication techniques with a BPD spouse.

I hope they help.

https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-4-cols

Let us know if you need help or other suggestions.  Keep in mind that your husband has asked for help, and that is an enormous step for a pwBPD to make--and you know that.

It is not easy to be the spouse of a pwBPD, but learning how to navigate communication is very, very helpful.   

[pearlsw]

Hi Stiney,

Welcome to the family!

There are definitely a lot of us here who can relate - you are not alone! I am excited to hear that your husband is starting group DBT soon - I hope this brings some positive changes with time!

There is a lot to learn here, but also look forward to learning from you about how you manage with his BPD!