Conflicted about my ex wife, how she left and her new life

[OLR1986]

Hi

I am new here and currently analyzing my soon to be ex-wifes departure, she has filed for divorce. My therapist gave me the book "Walking On Eggshells", he obviously was professional about it and didn't dare diagnose someone he doesn't know... but there is a reason he is guiding me in this direction. it feels like a revelation, a lot of things i didn't understand or know how to handle in my relationship are coming to light... I still don't know if she really has BPD or not, and I may possibly never know. Which bring me here, I want to share our past breakup, and hopefully gain some insight if others have experienced this.

I take responsibility for my 50%, I was distant and didn't know how to handle her disconnected and distant way of behaving. She never trusted me and till this day blames me for things that are so minor compared to her biggest breaches of trust. I dated two girls briefly during large times of her and I breaking up, she considers those two situations as a character defect on my end. She will never let it go, and says it amount to nothing she has done...

After our first break-up, after being married for less then 3 months, I left. I didn't know how to handle her anymore and she always seemed unhappy and dint trust me. She said I was verbally abusive and manipulative... I lovely wife dearly, and I would never cause her harm in anyway. During this break-up, less then two weeks in she re-kindled a romance from two years back and got pregnant. She said she loved him and hated me, it was the most painful experience. I tried everything I could to get her back, she said she didn't love and never wanted me back. Two months later she showed up on my door step and wanted support for an abortion, as much as it killed me, I was there for her. She wanted us to get back together, the day after the abortion... I refused and she was off dating the same guy she got pregnant with, while still trying to get back together with me. She never told him about the abortion... We eventually got back together.

Its been a year now since that, she has left two more times and I have chased her till the end of the world, confessing my love for her. It was a cycle, she would deny me and eventually let me back in. Only to find that she was seeing various other people during those breaks... Which of course she was allowed to, we were broken up after all. I was just so surprised how easy it was for her to start something new and disregard our relationship, we were so happy in the beginning and then she would just lose all interest and blame me...

So now, we are here, about to be divorced. We got back together 4 months ago, she wanted new wedding rings, said she was so happy and this was it. We got the rings, just an impulse for her. We were walking by a jewelry store and before I knew it we signed up for a loan for rings that ere well beyond our budget... While we were separated she decided to get breast augmentation and I took care of her while she went through the process. I tried my best, I didn't like the amount of money spent or felt that she needed them. She is amazingly beautiful... Regardless she was infuriated that I was not jumping for joy.

After taking care of her for 2 weeks, she decided that she was not happy here, she left for two weeks. When she came back, she seemed so cold and while I tried my best to speak to her she was so cruel to my feelings and opinion on the situation. She left, took the rings and returned them. A month later she started a relationship with someone new, now they have been together for a month. Which brings us to present day and now I have read "walking on eggshells", and wish I had the information I needed then as to now, where she is out of my life.

She has told me she is never coming back, that she was never her true self with me and is happier then she has ever been. We work for the same company, and my co-workers feel like she's is being reckless. My daughter of two years is no being introduced to this man who has a troubled past of abuse from the mother of his child... For the record his ex abused him not her.

I am so lost, I was ok, and started to move on. After discovering BPD and going through therapy I feel like I'm going through break-up again. Emotions are high, my depression has come back and I feel lost. She didn't allow me to have closure, when she left, I was done and now its impossible to get her to reason with the smallest request. She has been late to pick up my daughter twice now, usually about an hour late. We have 50/50 custody. She hates that my daughter and I are so close, she told my daughter and I that our relationship was "sick"... I feel my daughter pulling away from her and not wanting to leave my side... She is so distracted with her new relationship.

I know I need to move on... I just feel now that I know about BPD that maybe if I knew sooner that I could fix things. Now I feel maybe her relationship won't last and she will return... Which I am not even sure that I can even truly say that I am strong enough to not want to be with her. The trust is gone and I know I need to move forward. i just feel so sucked in and worry that she won't be okay...

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi OLR1986,

I'm sorry for your struggle.  What you are going through is really painful and distressing.  Do you receive any support for your depression from a doctor or your therapist?  It must be very difficult to have learned about BPD after what you've been through.  Would you say that the book explains a lot of what you've experienced with your wife?  Apart from the recycling and mistrust, were there other behaviours that really stood out as applicable in your r/s? 

With a 2 year old in the mix I really feel for you as it's hard as a parent to see their reaction to the separation.  My son was only 1 when I left his father and even at such a young age it was evident that he was confused.  It's good that your daughter feels secure with you and has a stable home environment when in your care.  This will benefit her greatly whilst she is going through this change.  It could be worth posting on the Co parenting board separately for some additional support around this. 

Has your wife ever threatened divorce before or said any of the sorts of things you describe when you've been separated previously?  I'm wondering if any of this is part of a pattern or is completely new behaviour.

Love and light x

   

[OLR1986]

Hi OLR1986,

I'm sorry for your struggle.  What you are going through is really painful and distressing.  Do you receive any support for your depression from a doctor or your therapist?  It must be very difficult to have learned about BPD after what you've been through.  Would you say that the book explains a lot of what you've experienced with your wife?  Apart from the recycling and mistrust, were there other behaviours that really stood out as applicable in your r/s? 

With a 2 year old in the mix I really feel for you as it's hard as a parent to see their reaction to the separation.  My son was only 1 when I left his father and even at such a young age it was evident that he was confused.  It's good that your daughter feels secure with you and has a stable home environment when in your care.  This will benefit her greatly whilst she is going through this change.  It could be worth posting on the Co parenting board separately for some additional support around this. 

Has your wife ever threatened divorce before or said any of the sorts of things you describe when you've been separated previously?  I'm wondering if any of this is part of a pattern or is completely new behaviour.



Love and light x

   

Thank you. Yes I would say there are traits that are straight from out of the book and there are also a lot that she does not exhibit. I would say she’s high functioning of anything. As of now I can say these are for certain...

- Flashes of anger
- Does not forgive or let things go
- Can not say she’s sorry (everything is my fault)
- Lack of empathy
- Impulsive decisions
- Has to be in a relationship, can not be alone
- jumps head first into new romances

What she does not exhibit

- Depression ( at least not visible, she hides it well if anything)
- Suicidal
- Self mutilation
- Severe temper to the point of physical abuse


I have seen my therapist for only two visits now. It’s all new to me and I am on the beginning of my journey. Trying to focus on being a Dad, researching BPD and trying my best to focus on my own life. My depression has been a lot better and I’m starting to recover. Although now that I know about BPD I can’t help but feel sucked back into it wanting to remedy everything, not that she has given me the chance. She wants nothing to do with me.

I wouldn’t say she has threatened me at all. She merely loses all interest and blames me for the past. Then she’s out and into someone else.