Getting over it- feelings catching up

[itgetsbetter94]

After finding out that my ex fiance with BPD got engaged in the matter of weeks after splitting (with) me, I feel that my feelings are finally catching up to my rational mind and a healthy sense that this was a blessing in disguise and that I've dodged a bullet.

His new supply is someone he was in contact with for over 2 years (they met once and live thousand of miles away), she is 14 years older and he never before showed any feelings toward her, except platonic.

I am bizarrely curious how this will turn out, although I'll probably never find out.

As the meme says, I'm not ever mad, this is amazing.
As well as- this escalated quickly.
But, there is no such thing as too quickly or too insane in the world od BPD madness, I guess.

I'm not even jealous of his new girlfriend. She's about to enter the world of pain and she  doesn't even know it.

This revelation about them being together set me free. If my ex didn't have this disorder, I'd be completely heart broken and shattered, but knowing that life and marriage with him would only bring pain and misery, I can take comfort in knowing that I've dodged the bullet.

Now I have to restore my life step by step. There is a long road ahead, but without any pathology in it. I'm looking forward to see what life holds in it's bag for me.

[Ceruleanblue]

You have an amazing attitude! I keep trying to remind myself that I shouldn't be so hurt that he's found someone new, because I know the world of hurt and misery and humiliation she'll face if she stays past the first incident. I actually think my xBPDh was a sociopath.

I sure wish his ex had warned me what he was.

I admire that you can be so calm and feel "set free" by them being together. How did you get to that point?

[happendtome]

I sure wish his ex had warned me what he was.

Are you sure that you would have listened? My BPDex replaced me with someone whos BPD/NPD, and not that only i warned my ex, also my replacements ex warned my ex. Yeah, another bizarre story So, anyways, my replacements ex-s were declared psycho ___es. And my BPDex married my replacement.

All warnings were ignored and he got away even things he did when he was already with my ex. My ex said that my replacement just feels insecure and no one hasnt loved him like she loves him now.

Sometimes i wonder if its so sick relationship then maybe it can last forever.

[itgetsbetter94]

You have an amazing attitude! I keep trying to remind myself that I shouldn't be so hurt that he's found someone new, because I know the world of hurt and misery and humiliation she'll face if she stays past the first incident. I actually think my xBPDh was a sociopath.

I sure wish his ex had warned me what he was.

I admire that you can be so calm and feel "set free" by them being together. How did you get to that point?

Dear Ceruleanblue, after the first incident with my ex, I contacted his ex (they've been together for 3 years and she was very supportive of him- still he left he :-/), and she told me the exact thing- if you stay now, you have to know this behaviour of his would reoccur, and think twice whether you'd be able to live with that.
I had to see it for myself (his breakdown) and reach out to her. Had she contacted me first, to warn me, I would probably not listen. I had to have a first hand experience. I'm really thankful she was so straightforward and opened my eyes in time.

I maybe sound calm, but I'm still feeling hurt and betrayed. We have to put things into perspective:
-they have personality disorder
-it's non fixable
-they treated all the loved ones the same way (including us), and will continue to do so
- nothing we can do, no ammount of love, effort, time, patience, sacrifice, affection, compassion, understanding etc. would make them better. They would not love us or values us more because of our efforts. We'll only feel more broken and devastated after we brought all of that to the table and they still decided to walk all over it.

The thing that's keeping me grounded is my reason and common sense.
We are not bad people, I'm sure we wouldn't leave then if they got cancer or any other illness.  But this particular disorder makes it impossible to stay and help. It would drive us insane, possibly to suicide. We won't be helping neither them nor us.

Today I went to church. I said my prayers and in the end "God, thank You for saving me from him and please protect his new girlfriend".

There's nothing else to it.

You and I, we are the lucky ones.

[itgetsbetter94]

Are you sure that you would have listened? My BPDex replaced me with someone whos BPD/NPD, and not that only i warned my ex, also my replacements ex warned my ex. Yeah, another bizarre story So, anyways, my replacements ex-s were declared psycho ___es. And my BPDex married my replacement.

All warnings were ignored and he got away even things he did when he was already with my ex. My ex said that my replacement just feels insecure and no one hasnt loved him like she loves him now.

Sometimes i wonder if its so sick relationship then maybe it can last forever.

My therapist told me on our first session "pathology attracts pathology", so there you have it.
Maybe 2 pathologies can coexist "in peace".
But the sane, non BPD person would be driven insane.

The thing is, it's not so much about them, but about us.
I don't want to kill myself and develop some mental illness because the person I love keeps pushing me into madness. I don't want to be anyone's "supply", but an equal, respected, loved partner.
I can provide an enormous amount of love, care, nurture, compassion, understanding, but I don't want to throw it all into the bottomless pit and completely emotionaly drain myself for nothing. Instead, I'm keeping it to myself and directing towards myself, and till someone worthy or my love comes.

After this experience, it's ok to be a little bit selfish and put yourself first. We have to restore our resources that have been drained on them.

This experience thought me 2 things:
1. I CAN love endessly
2  I have to be careful to whome I'm giving this endless love.

[itgetsbetter94]

To clarify this even further, my ex's ex was the most compassionate, understanding, sympathetic, calm person EVER. He treated her like a doormat, and she would take it and take it, because of his illness.
She had taken free days of work to come to take care of him when he was in crisis (from another country).
She healed his wounds when he had cut himself and took him to ER.
She listened repeatedly how he doesn't love her and how he's in love with another girls.
She found him an mental hospital to go to when his depression was at its peak.

And after all of that- he left her.

And this girl is absolutely beautiful, I felt so insecure abut her, I though- what is he doing with me, his ex is much more beautiful. Not that I think I'm ugly, but objectively, she is very very good looking, not just attractive, but indeed a true beauty.
And she had two university degrees and a steady job.

There's literally no such thing as a perfect person for someone with BPD (except some other pathology, maybe).
They will hurt you no matter what.
They don't want true love and true relationship, they just want a sacrificial scapegoat to torment, someone who will feel the pain that they feel, someone to punish and humiliate.
My ex even told me himself that he detested his ex (above mentioned) for not having any boundaries and that he could do to her and tell her whatever he wanted, and she was ok with that. But when I set my boundaries, and kicked him out of my apartment, he confieded to his best friend- "how could my ex live with this for 3 year and "itgetsbetter94" can't more than 2 months?"
So, damned if you do (set boundaries), damned if you don't.

There's simply no happy endings with those people.

[itgetsbetter94]

To clarify this even further, my ex's ex was the most compassionate, understanding, sympathetic, calm person EVER. He treated her like a doormat, and she would take it and take it, because of his illness.
She had taken free days of work to come to take care of him when he was in crisis (from another country).
She healed his wounds when he had cut himself and took him to ER.
She listened repeatedly how he doesn't love her and how he's in love with another girls.
She found him an mental hospital to go to when his depression was at its peak.

And after all of that- he left her.

And this girl is absolutely beautiful, I felt so insecure abut her, I though- what is he doing with me, his ex is much more beautiful. Not that I think I'm ugly, but objectively, she is very very good looking, not just attractive, but indeed a true beauty.
And she had two university degrees and a steady job.

There's literally no such thing as a perfect person for someone with BPD (except some other pathology, maybe).
They will hurt you no matter what.
They don't want true love and true relationship, they just want a sacrificial scapegoat to torment, someone who will feel the pain that they feel, someone to punish and humiliate.
My ex even told me himself that he detested his ex (above mentioned) for not having any boundaries and that he could do to her and tell her whatever he wanted, and she was ok with that. But when I set my boundaries, and kicked him out of my apartment, he confieded to his best friend- "how could my ex live with this for 3 years and "itgetsbetter94" can't more than 2 months?"
So, damned if you do (set boundaries), damned if you don't.

There's simply no happy endings with those people.