What do I do now?

[LouLou234]

18 months ago I met a lovely guy. To cut a long story short, we have parted company for the second time in 18 months and for the second time his last words have been “never speak to me again”
I am here because he displays all the traits of a man with BPD.  I am hurting because I did everything I possibly could to help him in every aspect of his life and now I have been frozen out of his life

[itgetsbetter94]

I know it's the last thing you want to hear, but trust me- you not hearing from him ever again is the best case scenario for you. Even if that doesn't seem that way at the moment.
We all have our burden and crosses we carry. It's a full time job fixing ourselves. Fixing somebody else who can't be fixed draines the life force and energy and is a futile job.
You won't be helping him and you'll just be harming yourself.
Cut off the patology out of your life.
Life is often hard and challenging as it is, don't swim with the anchor around your neck if you don't have to.
Be thankful to God and a mother nature that you don't have his condition.
World is full of wonderful, smart, witty, attractive, mentaly healthy men who will adore you.
Leave this burden. It's really for the best.

Wish you luck!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi LouLou934 

I'd like to join itgetsbetter in welcoming you to the site.  The fact you found us indicates you've seen some link to the behaviours in the r/s and what you've read about BPD.  What were the most prevalent traits that you've noticed from him?

It's very confusing when a pattern forms and the same behaviour/words are repeated when you separate as it's hard to know if this time it is for real.  We can empathise with you here, so you're certainly in the right place.  How long ago did you split up this time? 

Many if not most of us would fall into the category of caretaker / codependent types and to help all we can without seeing any improvement is painful to see the least.  I can relate to that entirely.  What I found extremely helpful was learning all I could about BPD and understanding what drives the behaviours.  This way you can see it has little to do with you and in fact stems back over years through his life.  He will have set coping mechanisms in place that help him (often in a destructive way for a r/s) to manage with his fears of abandonment and enmeshment.  It's a really difficult balancing act for the most skilled communicator to influence the outcomes. 

Given the chance would you want to reconcile the relationship?  There is wonderful information on this site which is based in fact and I'd encourage you to take a good look at the tools and insights available (header menu).  There are many excellent articles, lessons and workshops designed to help us work through our current situations.  Also have a good read on the boards and you'll find you're far from alone in your feelings.  Hang in there and keep posting as much as you need to.  I'll look forward to hearing more of your story.  Let us know how best we can support you.

Love and light x