He broke up (again) today

[pearlsw]

Well, after quite a long white phase I am now painted black. It was sort of predictable how it happened. I have a health problem, and now my cycle is starting. I have been a little low for 2 days, but still tried to do and say nice things. He watches my moods like a hawk, studies them with a magnifying glass. I watch his too I must say, but for different reasons. Sigh. Only he is fully allowed emotions.

Well, this morning I sweetly called him to come and be near me and noticed he did not come as usual. I fell back asleep. Within an hour he was telling me he "can't be with me". He is "going to talk to his boss and move to another country to be near his kids". (I later hear him on the phone with one of his kids. He tends to run to them with his adult problems as most of his adult friendships have broken down.) He didn't threaten the divorce in this breath, he just implied it.

I convinced him to eat, tried to distract. I tried to make small talk about an RV repair he is having done. He says "he is going to sell it." This is part of his extreme threat stuff when dysregulating. He likes to make big, dramatic threats so I am clear that it is the end of the world.

Shortly after getting his food and needing more of a fight, he said he "is going to file for divorce." Not sure if he was specific about a day or not.

I can't go anywhere so I just made myself busy folding clothes and not fighting back. No fuel on the fire. At least he is calmly dysregulating.

Why/when does this happen? Anytime there is any disruption in sex, any sense of rejection, even the tiniest microscopic (from my perspective) amount. I knew when I was diagnosed with this infection and had to take medicine for a week, disrupting sexual activity, this would happen. Like clockwork.

Thing is, in the long (month and week) white phase we just had, I had more time to think than usual. Of course the idea of not being together "forever" occurs to me. How could it not?

I think he expects me to beg for him not to divorce me. Beg for him for everything, offer him lots of sex despite the medicine I am taking and not being able to at the moment, though other stuff is possible and has not stopped, but it is never enough... .

I was proud that I did not JADE in the face of his insults/threats/accusations. I tried to at first, thinking I could explain a bit about women's health and how common/normal these infections are, but saw this was going to be pointless under the circumstances so stopped.

Well, I feel like a scientist at this point. Observing him and myself. I didn't fuel things. I stayed nice and calm. At best this got him to do his dysregulation in a calm manner, but it was the same cruel/life-ending words. I felt a sense of panic inside, but with time let it go as best I could. The first two hours were hardest and now I am feeling... .I am shaking a bit... .from the trauma - my body and adrenaline glands cannot handle such levels of stress indefinitely in life.

He had to go out to work on a side project that will occupy him for a few hours. Oddly enough, by sheer coincidence it is at the home of his divorce lawyer, but whatever. I imagine he'll throw himself into his technical stuff, but she stresses him out... .so who knows what might happen while there.

Takes me back to one key reason I have always struggled to take this relationship seriously... .an old story I share just with you... .Two weeks after we "married" he called the lawyer right after the "honeymoon", over to where we live, right here into our apartment, and tried to have her negotiate a divorce here with me on the spot during one of his meltdowns. (Talk about unethical... .) Two weeks. You wait your whole life to meet the person you will marry and this is what happened. Well, they both pressured me and even then, sure enough, I did not buy it. I did not crumble under their pressure. He ended up after a few hours asking her to leave and apologizing and acting as if nothing happened. I am not allowed to talk about it because of how shameful and embarrassing it is for "him". (How do you think I feel, man?)

Today. Back to today. Luckily I had access to my computer and listened to dharma talks... .I found one on compassion and then others with just music and sayings. I had an online class already scheduled, so I had that to look forward to.

Well, it is what it is. I can't help but both believe him and doubt him at the same time. Am I supposed to quit my job? Move to another country? (which is what this kind of break up entails) Or just sit tight and see if the storm blows over in 1, 2, 3 days? Who knows what is real. After all this time. It always feels real. Oh well.

After the mindfulness stuff I listened to I am just going to focus on compassion and being in the moment and letting go of fear. That is the best I can do with this day. But I am okay. Really. I am okay.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Update: He came back from the lawyer's house. He is now moving in with her for 2 weeks he says. If I need food I am to go to the... .whatever the department for that is in our village. He wants me to agree to a "fast divorce" in 2 weeks when he... .comes back? He offered me $1,000 a month for the next two years if I leave the country instead of stay here. He says if I call my own lawyer I have to pay for it so he warned me not to. (Is that b.s.? Who knows. I think they might make him pay for my lawyer.) I am concerned he might cut off the internet and phones, but hopefully the lawyer will... .keep him in check somehow.

I was calm. That is pretty much all I have. I am afraid to make phone calls as I am afraid he will be able to track who I am calling for help.

Is it best I not call or write to his lawyer? We used to be friends. But she is very... .she has zero comprehension of his illness. I guess best to just stay put... .and eat what I find in the cupboards... .I think he will be back in a few days, but who knows... .He walked into a lion's/enablers den today. We'll see... .

This is definitely the worst yeast infection I've ever had.  (that's my attempt at humor) What a life!

[pearlsw]

Should I write him during these two weeks? Wait for him to make the first move? He's never "moved out". I've never been with anyone who has done this... .or most of what he's done/does... .Usually, he regulates again and "comes to his senses" as it were. I am concerned about the influences around him while he is away. I really am... .shocked. He was singing and dancing and bubbly the last week - the "happiest man in the world!" Well, that balloon crashed pretty hard today.

It's sad really. And here I am to figure out how to pick up the pieces of this - alone, but for all of you here. This is all so very crazy.

I am not going to pick up the phone for help for a few days at least... .I think. That is all I have for a plan so far. Wait a few days and then reassess. This is just bizarre.

It just figures... .my birthday falls within this 2 week time frame.

[DaddyBear77]

pearlsw, I am so so sorry this is happening. This must be hell. To have everything suddenly come crashing down like this. I am really so sorry.

What can you do to prepare and protect yourself right now? What will happen if this cycle doesn’t end? Can you afford to wait to see if it will come round again?

What I’m asking is, are YOU safe? Are YOU going to be ok?

Just my first question of many. I’ll write again as soon as I can. I just want to make sure you’re safe and thinking about yourself and how to take the best care of yourself as you can.

[pearlsw]

I feel a bit on edge. I don't know what to expect. He does not stay "black" for very long, a few days at most (?), but it is compounded when he has others to "help" him with it. I think he and his divorce lawyer are probably sitting around drinking and cooking up ways to... .give him the advantage over me. He can't stand her though so I don't know how long... .I mean, in all the time I've known him he's never stayed at someone else's house like this at all. It is patently bizarre. I have food. I have enough food for the week I think. After that I can figure out other stuff. I know him, but you never know, ya know?

It is so weird. I was noticing his mood yesterday, it seemed to be going down, but we watched a movie and... .I dunno. He hasn't been sleeping well. He really pulled this one out of nowhere. It is odd watching him calmly dysregulate because I don't fight with him over the mean/out of line stuff he says.

I am just wondering at what point do I "out" the whole situation to a family member (my family I mean). I have two I can choose from who will panic/help me if need be. I don't even know if I should just throw in the towel on this whole thing or what. I am not mad. I have no reason to break up other than these issues he has. He even said, "You have many good qualities." and had no clear reason to break up with me out of nowhere today. He is just dysregulating. I just wonder, and I guess it doesn't really matter, who he is gonna drag through this with us this time? One of his brothers? His mom? His kids?

I am so isolated and he controls the phone system so he can see any call I make. That makes me nervous, but... .I mean. Geez. I am just gonna try to keep a routine this week I guess. Take my online classes, teach my classes, and carry on as if he is just away. I do not want to beg him to save the marriage though. I have done that too many times. I am here to support... .and I offered that before he left. I said "I am here for you the minute you come back, I love you, I care about you, I understand you, I have always been there for you. I will keep the phone nearby so I can hear it if you call. If I don't hear the phone email me and I will call back". Other than that... .I just don't know.  

This is out of left field. I really thought he might go longer in this white phase, but it does make sense I guess. This is the longest white phase he ever had since we lived together, I'm pretty sure. Sad. Just sad.

Thank you DaddyBear77!   I deeply appreciate any company at the moment. It is dead quiet here, and my future is sort of blank at the moment.

[Notwendy]

Pearls, I know you want to save your marriage, so this isn't about that, (staying or leaving) but about taking care of you.

From your posts, I recall that you feel somewhat limited in this country compared to your own country.

If he did follow through with the divorce and you returned to your own country, do you have family? A place to stay? If he threw you out, is there an embassy where your family could send you money to return?
"
We do fear the "what if", but having a plan for the "what if" might make these times less fearful.

There was a time in my own marriage where something like a "yeast infection" started issues. For me it was pregnancies. I had a lot of nausea. I thought my H would have understood that, but he took it as a rejection and painted me black. It was a confusing time. I am less fearful now. However, I am also in my own country and that makes it a safer place for me than if I was in another country. Not being fearful has helped to level the drama for me. I don't react to it. However, I have not been threatened with divorce. It would be difficult, but I think it is better to not be fearful.

I agree, do nothing for now. No reason to react to what may just be one of his moods. However, I would have a plan for the "what if". Where is the embassy, who to call, who would help you.

[pearlsw]

Hi Notwendy, Thank you very much for the support!  

I can get to the airport if need be, but I'd lose most of my possessions. Most of it is okay. He might even send me the stuff one day. Who knows.

I have been down this road before with him. Many times. This was pretty sudden and out of the blue today though. I wasn't expecting this til late December when his kids come. It was just an unfortunate coincidence he was at this lawyer's house today to do an errand for her. She used to be friends with both of us, but realized that he runs her phone system, saw which side her bread is buttered on and picked him. He was upset about this actually, but could not stand up about it because he is still (soon to be going on 8 years) dealing with issues with his ex/past divorce. I was pretty upset by this... .she acted as if she was my friend before this and really turned her back on me. That is another reason I am a big reluctant to ask anyone for help... .

He was barely over there so I am sure this is a quick plan she cooked up for him. And soon, if he isn't already, he'll be missing me. But for the sake of all that is good in this world, living like this with these threats... .It is no way to live. It is simply no way to live. Having a back up plan just leaves me with one foot out the door, and yet, that is what it has to be I suppose.

So, I guess I would call a relative and find a place to stay for a few months, but I have other issues with that. They are spread out all over the U.S. and I left "home" like... .thirty years ago and went off to college and then was all over after that too... .Nowhere really feels like "home". Just the people make it that way. I don't want to set off alarm bells to them all. They just saw us a month ago! But... .yes, I will have somewhere to sleep and eventually restart if it gets to that.

I just wish... .there is literally no reason for this today. No good reason. He is just not well today. And if he hadn't had this way to leave the house I would probably have been able to help him. Now, out there somewhere I will be out of sight, out of mind and who knows.

I would be in the better position if this is what I wanted today, but I didn't wake up wanting this to happen today. I stopped dreaming of "forever" with him long ago because he breaks up so much, but still... .this is just a blindside. I wouldn't give it a 100% chance of ending, but it is high. I guess. Right?

One thing I am seeing at least, for myself, is I am willing to work on things if he wants to come back. Just go on. But I am not willing to beg and plead and crawl. I think if I just don't panic... .If I can not panic too much... .but it will be lonely... .these days. I gotta find hotline numbers so I can hear a human voice. I am not expecting to see/talk to another human until at least Thursday. Just Thursday and Friday and then... .a few days later it will be my birthday.

[Notwendy]

Thank goodness for the internet - we are "voices" too. So post away.

Can you go out to be with people for some of the time. You have a job- put in some overtime- so you are not alone.

Take care of yourself- can you go for walks? Is there a lovely park nearby, or shops to look at, somewhere to get some tea? Be good to yourself.

You may not have been "home" for decades, but if there are people who care about you, they are home. I agree not to alarm them with the personal details at the moment, but to contact them by chat, skype, just to say hello might be nice.

[DaddyBear77]

It’s funny, I logged on here today because my own wife told me she’s leaving and filing for divorce, and something about her saying it this time is very different too. So you are absolutely not alone.

I am coming from the same place as Notwendy. I know you want this relationship to work and I know that, in all likelihood, the black will turn to white again. Whether or not the black turns to white, though, you’ll still need to eat. You’ll still need to survive and you still need to keep going and you’ll still be 100% responsible for yourself and your well being.

What else can you do to help feel less trapped? Remember this isn’t necessarily about freeing yourself from the relationship. It’s about feeling like you aren’t completely trapped by it.

[pearlsw]

Thanks ya'll! This past year I started calling hotlines when things like this were happening. I lost most of my close friends back in the States and have exactly none here. I don't have much work either. My students are all nice, but not in position to help so I just keep it to myself. I work for a company based in another city so no co-workers, overtime, etc. I live in a small village. It is a combo of a retirement town, and, oh, I dunno... .graveyard.

I will call my younger brother out West I think. Not say anything is amiss, just say hi.  And I may call and check in on my grandma. I've been wanting to do that, but the time difference makes it hard... .but not today I guess!

I found a lawyer I can see if need be. With my bike it is probably only 30 minutes... .but I'll save that for later in the week. Maybe I will just set an appointment? I dunno. He will lose it if I go to a lawyer and really... .he would just lose money to a lawyer... .maybe we can negotiate directly if we have to. He is in debt and actually owes me a little money at the moment so... .I don't think he's thought this through. He just was in a state and his uninformed lawyer does what she does which is try to get him the fastest settlement possible. Some friend.

Not to be mean, but I know he can't stand being around her so... .he won't make it two weeks! Of this I am quite sure... .unless she is out of town for part of that time? Well, that is his deal. I know at some point he will likely flip back and think what the heck am I doing?

In a way I am lucky he went to her because she will keep him in check a bit. He and she both know/always knew (it was just me that didn't know until earlier this year) he could not toss me into the streets. The law protects me a lot actually which is part of why he makes threats to scare me off and to abandon my rights.

I feel so sad for him. Wish I could comfort him. Well, at least the last words I said to him were kind ones. No matter what happens I will strive for compassion, kindness and patience. After that... .we'll see what country I'll be living in next month.

I can't thank you enough. It means the world to me to be with people who understand these traits and behaviors. I think that is most of why I am not a total wreck - the folks and info. on this site. But I will check in a lot this week. Please help remind me to eat every day as I get through this. The stress usually causes me to stop eating and then my brain function goes way down.

[Harley Quinn]

Oh pearls,

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.  My heart goes out to you.  Isolation is the pits and I have to credit you for your ongoing bravery at being in the situation you are.  I can understand your fears entirely.  With every post however you are sounding like you have it more and more together.  Your plan to go and see a lawyer is a good one if they will do a quick free initial conversation.  You could use that to get some advice about staying put etc. or what other factors could affect your rights.  At least then you would be armed with knowledge should you need it at some point in the near or distant future, and have a contact you know you can turn to.  They'd obviously be able to tell you as well whom the charge for their services would go to.  Knowledge is power and this info could help you to relax a little.  

I'm also glad that you're going to catch up with family.  If you find yourself needing to talk about the situation with your brother then I'd be tempted to let it out, even just a little and ask for it to be kept low key.  Keeping all this away from them isn't great for you.  As you said, voices, and those of people who truly care for you can make a world of difference.  How about saying something like, look this is how I live and it happens - there's no way of knowing if this is different to the last time but I thought you should know my reality.  It would relieve you of a great burden to be open and honest with loved ones.  :)o you worry they would overreact?  I can imagine that if a family member was having such a tough time and not sharing about it I'd feel upset I wasn't able to at least offer moral support.  Could you say that is all you need right now and would feel better simply putting them in the picture?  You know your situation and your own family better than anyone, so forgive me if I'm way off here.  Remember the old saying 'a problem shared is a problem halved'?  My concern is that protecting everyone is failing to protect yourself.  You matter pearls.  We care about you and so do your family.

I live in a small village. It is a combo of a retirement town, and, oh, I dunno... .graveyard.

Do you have a community centre?  Churches?  Library?  Check out if there are any local activities/groups you can get involved in.  Time to put yourself out there pearls and connect with others - anyone!  A knitting circle... .Just to get some 'you' time away from the home and put out feelers for possible like minds.  This will be empowering for you and could if successful mean you have someone to turn to in a crisis in future.  Look after yourself. 

Please remember to eat and try to sleep.  You won't be able to think straight if you've been sitting up all night thinking (expert here on that!) so could handle things less well when things change from what you're experiencing right now.  Which I think you know is likely.  I'm rooting for you that he levels off and comes back feeling more regulated, having changed tack.  At the same time, as you've already been advised, if this is something you enounter, better to have a plan in place.  By the sounds of it, he has a foot out when he dysregulates so guard yourself against coming off badly if things do eventually play out for real.  

Thinking of you and wishing you strength and calm.  

Love and light x

[pearlsw]

Any thoughts on if I should be reaching out to him or not? This has worked twice, earlier this year, to keep in contact... .sending nice positive notes via email. It kept him engaged, and sort of jolted him back to his other self... .

I don't call him. I don't hound him. Just every few hours, as things occur, I say nice, encouraging stuff - short, to the point, but friendly, via email. I am a bit flabbergasted this time though.

I am not sure he is really staying at the lawyer's yet as he suddenly popped in earlier. It was a sad scene. I perked up with such happiness when he came back but then he just grabbed some tools and left. He has said so many times "he can't live without me... ." but we'll see I guess... .it's all just waiting now.

I guess I can at least put in the "improving" category that I haven't lost my mind. I'm a bit sad and low, but... .well, I guess I am "lucky" either way... .this will end or he will calm down and then we go back to our typical routine and maybe another white phase.

I waited my life for this. This?

When he started to dysregulate initially I notice I just, after I saw there was nothing he could listen to... .I took a shower, quietly sang to myself... .tried to stay as calm as I can. I don't let him ever trap me in a room. When he wants to do his "dysregulation talks" I try to go to a "neutral room" or walk him out of the bedroom at least. It helps me stay calm if I listen, but don't let a "talk" like this go on. He says what he says. I listen, but I don't argue.

I'm trying not to beat myself up for not being more peppy yesterday as I saw him declining... .or for today not giving him a better greeting in the morning... .I know those are just... .illusions.

I have actually had partners where we went years, years, without disagreements. Sigh. But none of that matters now... .Back in the present moment. I notice that I am coping so that is pretty good.

[pearlsw]

Hi HQ, Thanks so much for popping in and sharing so generously of your heart with me! That is soo nice!

I think I will try to go one of the churches in the little city center this week. I like the company and it makes you feel humble and lifted up. It is just hard for me to figure out the times. Sometimes they get up a wee bit early!  

He told me "not to see a lawyer!" but I think I will if this goes on. I can make an appointment... .for my birthday I guess! Oh gosh, why? Why have I been cursed with birthdays like this? hahahahaa. Ah, that is so ridiculous. Heck. I am gonna just change my birthday to Halloween! And while I'm at it why have just one? I can have as many as I want! No one can stop me - I live alone now anyway! hahahahaa. I guess?

Okay, I'm gonna try to call my bro and see what's what. He tends to be chatty and forgets to ask me what's up so he's a good one to call I think.

I have always just kept stuff private from my family. My whole life. It's funny because they are probably a great resource. I see that in many of them actually. They recently found out my little brother is homeless and all wanted to help. (He hadn't mentioned it to anyone else but perhaps me either... .) He is doing okay though. He is staying with friends and trying to rebuild. It kills me I can't help him more at the moment, but... .I can put that my on my list of things to keep fighting for... .to get my life to a better place so I can help him too.

Thank you again for the support! You bring me tears of joy!

[pearlsw]

Ah, just trying to call my lil bro and having to leave a message made me tear up a bit so I think I'm gonna hold off on any more calls for the day... .other than to a hotline if need be. It is always so much to explain, and I am never quite the right fit for the hotlines I can find back in the states... .I am not as low as these break ups usually make me... .but... .I've... .

I just wish I lived in a world again where my emotions... .where I could have my own emotions, didn't have to hide them so much, because if I do have them it leads to the "end of the world" somehow.

We had just found a nice new show we watched on Friday... .it was all in one of the languages I study and with no subtitles so I was kinda proud of myself for plowing through it and getting most of it... .and then the next night we saw a nice movie together too. We were so happy all things considered, but in the back of my mind... .you just never really get fully settled in. 

I didn't expect this day today!

It is so weird after so many years to never know if this... .is... on. On.

[Harley Quinn]

Glad to hear you're going to venture out.  A change of scenery and company will do you good.  

Any thoughts on if I should be reaching out to him or not? This has worked twice

Are there any times it had a negative effect and if so what was the difference in the situation?  

If he didn't say not to contact him it might be good to just send a message to the effect of when he's feeling like coming home and had enough space you'll be happy to see him.  As you said, wishing him well etc.  If you get any backlash, that will inform you at least.  Otherwise, if you've done this before and it has been well received, but then don't this time, it might spur him on in his negative thinking.

If your family are a great resource, then I'd encourage you (when you are ready) to simply shed a little light on the situation as a whole, rather than focusing on this one isolated incident, as a forewarning that a point may arise someday when you may need some support.  Sort of smoothing the way in case at short notice you find yourself in a real difficult spot.  :)o you know why it is that you are reluctant to talk about your reality with them?  Knowing they are there and in the picture I feel would be a huge relief for you and give you more of a sense of security.  I know you don't need me to point this out.  As you know, I was in a violent r/s and I can honestly say it was shame that kept me from telling my family until after it was over.  However I was lucky enough to have a couple of close friends whom I was entirely open with, one of them living very close by who I would run to when I needed that escape.  I worry about you feeling cut off and struggling with the worry of what you will do if this is real, either now or in the future.  

It's entirely your choice.  I am merely planting seeds here as I'd like you to feel safe and get some of this off your chest.  It's a lot for one person to carry.  You are so kind and supportive of others.  Now it's your turn to get some backup and encouragement.

Love and light x  

[Harley Quinn]

I just wish I lived in a world again where my emotions... .where I could have my own emotions, didn't have to hide them so much, because if I do have them it leads to the "end of the world" somehow.

I know what you mean and it's really horrible.  Having to suppress and push everything down to keep the peace.  I felt frustrated hurt and ill considered.  I had to find other outlets.  What ways do you use to manage your emotions that need to come to the surface Pearls?

You can have them now.  Let them out.  At home, without him there.  Here.  However you need to.   

Love and light x 

[pearlsw]

Ah, thanks HQ! I never hear such an invitation and I am finding I want to say... .just sad. I want to express my sadness... .that my relationship is not so great despite my best efforts... .I want to be sad that my grandparents are in the twilight of their lives and suffering a lot and I am already grieving for the loss of them and they are not even gone, but I feel it coming... .I want to be sad that I can't find enough work or make this life overseas work despite all my hopes because I can't fully function with these break ups - it is simply too unstable/uncertain... .

And want to be allowed to feel scared.  I'm scared about going back to my home country because I don't know how or where to restart that life... .I want to be sad that I've lost contacts with really good friends and those friendships might never recover... .I want to be allowed to be confused about my life and my future.

I want to be allowed to be sad that I've been looking all my life for support ever since I lost my dad as a kid... .I wanted someone to help carry the weight of life with me, and to not always having to be the "strong one" who doesn't fall apart... .I wanted someone I could lean on in life and stability and I got the exact opposite of that... .

But it's been good to see my relatives this year. I think in time, with some pushing on my part out of my comfort zone, and giving up a bit of my privacy... .I can turn to some of them... .I was just hoping to have more time... .until after we lose my grandparents... .Everyone is pretty focused on them now and that is what I want to do too... .but... .if any of them knew what I've been going through... .well, if it was the 70's they would have kicked his butt for treating me like this... .but in this era I just want them to understand and take me in... .and let me be not so alone.

Thanks for letting me get that out! 

[Harley Quinn]

Oh pearls I felt every word with you.   

Thank yourself for letting yourself get that out. 

So much of what you wrote there could have been written by me.  Especially the parts around wanting to have someone to share life with, to lean on and not to have to be the strong one who holds everything together.  Being scared about how to restart a life.  I feel those things too.  You really are not alone.  I know we say that a lot here and that is because it's true.  We are all here going through many of the same feelings if not the same circumstances exactly.  This is why I value this place so much.  You're entitled to these feelings pearls.  Thank you so much for sharing them with us. 

Love and light x   

[pearlsw]

Hi HQ, Thank you so much for listening!

I dunno. He has broken up so many times. I am going off the most recent/severe ones of the last year. He is always very convincing, but he was just saying a few days ago how "he can't live without me" and how "how wonderful our life is", etc., etc. He didn't say not to contact him... .and I think he will melt at some point. He is under a lot of financial pressure... .he's been overspending since the summer... .and it is a couple more months until he catches up again. He is struggling, but by his own doing. He always tends to take a last hired, first fired approach with me when things get tough, then regrets it and feels guilty and wants me take him back and forget it ever happened. That is one of the usual scenarios. Going by what he has said in the past he will be hanging on my every word even when it seems he is not. He had been saying lately, "I love you very much!" and is so attached to me... .like a child. If I just left the room for even a short amount of time he would "miss me" severely. He acts very childlike in his love towards me.

I typically don't like to bother him while at work. But when he is like this, assuming he went today... .I dunno. He didn't react to any short notes or positive images I sent yesterday. He could have been working on the lawyer's computer/phone problems and not had time then went to sleep. I seriously can't imagine him being happy over there for two whole weeks. But he may forget I exist while there. He usually can't even go there alone - he hates to be there he always says, plus it must be a bit triggering around his past divorce/custody issues.

I think with him it is better to keep a connection open to him, but I don't want to add to his inability to concentrate. I just feel protective of him... .No one else realizes what is happening to him right now so they are feeding the negativity instead of restoring his balance. If he wanted to break up... .if he were a non and we had had numerous discussions, but he is not in a "normal" state... .I dunno. It's all so strange.

[pearlsw]

He is saying I "am the cause of his emotional pain and this has to stop." I am trying to say nice things via short notes. I wish I was better at validation. I never quite feel I have this right.

Can anyone please help me with starting with this all over again? With learning validation all over again from scratch I mean.

I am watching one that Tattered Heart recommended to me the other day. Maybe I will go reread lots of her posts and help set this into my speech responses better.

[Harley Quinn]

I found that keeping my responses as short and to the point as possible was effective.  Like "Oh, that's hard" or "I can hear you're feeling hurt".  Then just letting him talk and listening.  It has to feel natural to you, so use your own words.  This does take practise and I'm still working on it with my son.  Remind yourself not to validate the invalid and don't try to fix it. 

Hang in there!

Love and light x 

[RolandOfEld]

Well, it is what it is. I can't help but both believe him and doubt him at the same time. Am I supposed to quit my job? Move to another country? (which is what this kind of break up entails) Or just sit tight and see if the storm blows over in 1, 2, 3 days? Who knows what is real. After all this time. It always feels real. Oh well.

Yes pearlsw it always feels real and we never know what to do. It is such an awful feeling and I am there with you.

I try to hold on to one memory where my wife insisted I promise to immediately go and tell my grandparents we were getting a divorce or she wouldn't bring our baby son in out of the heat. So I went right there and did it and my wife freaked out and couldn't believe I would do it. Right now I have to decide to A) go on paternity leave or quit my job (our soul income support) so I can take care of the kids for my wife while she supports us with her savings and "recovers" B) find a kindergarten for both kids alone without consulting her, its my job, or C) let her move out on her own and take care of both kids myself. I JADED last night and ended up agreeing to B and C. Have NO IDEA where this is going to go and what I should do.

I suggest you (and I suggest to myself) to set a clear boundary to never make a real life decision such as quit a job or move while they are dysregulating. They are like a child that has no idea what they want. My daughter will sometimes scream for milk one second then scream she doesn't want it when you hand it to her. Its because her emotions are out of her control. I think my wife is a lot like that.  

Hang in there!
 

[pearlsw]

Hi thegoodsoldier! I really appreciate your thoughts and am very touched by your story as well! Thank you so much for sharing this. We are all in this together!

I appreciate this advice! I agree about not breaking up while dysregulating! The hard part I am wondering about is if there ever is a time to break up with someone like this. I don't really want a break up, but... .it is always hard. You wonder if you are just being a fool to stay when someone is saying such things, but you know, you just know it is dysregulation. He is writing me from work. Saying his usual stuff he says when he dysregulates. I am trying to just be sweet, nice, loving and see what happens. But, given my past experiences, it is good he is talking. In the past he says he likes that I have talked to him during these times. It's hard. I get him back but then I am left in a heap! I am just expressing love and saying I hope he comes home. Other than that I am trying not to JADE about the stuff he is throwing at me. "I'm not 'pure'. I am a horrible wife. We are not the same. I am responsible for his emotional pain. etc." This from a guy who was just gushing and dancing about how in love and happy he is a day or two earlier.  

Thanks for this reminder. I will try to use this to picture my husband as screaming for milk right now! Even though he does not really want it! That's a good one.

Keep us posted on what is going on with you! I really hope things can get better. I know how painful all this uncertainty is.  

[isilme]

I would say the best and most rational thing you can try to do is prepare for things to be over while hoping they will not be, if that makes any sense.  Line up a place to live.  Talk to a lawyer if you feel it will protect you and your interests.  Find a way to keep most of your stuff - maybe prepare to ship small items to where you'd go if you need to leave.  Take him at his word, prepare in case he is in earnest.  If he's not, cool,  If he is, well, you did all you could to keep yourself protected.

Also - this person he is staying with - she's not a friend in the least.  I see your comments she was a friend - nope.  Also, if he "can't stand her" at all, I doubt he'd be over there at all.  I will hazard a guess she has been painted "white" while you are painted black.  As long as he can play the role of victim to your villain, he will tolerate her.  The issue here is not whether he makes the 2 weeks.  It's what made this course of action even appeal to his emotions.

Also, you mention your birthday is coming - hate to say it, but that could be a key point in this timing.  If you are separated during your birthday, he won't be responsible for trying and maybe failing at celebrating it.  Also, pqBPD seem to freak out about milestones that mark the passage of time.  So, that's just some food for thought.  There may be more than the simple "you can't sleep with me I am rejected" problems. 

Yes, body issues like illnesses and infections of any kind can disrupt sex... H also feels anything less than steller porn-worthy sex is me not showing interest and he takes it as rejection.  So when I have to decline or change what's "on the menu" due to cycles or illness, he gets in a mood. 

At this time, your best hope is to figure out how best to move live your life as is he is gone.  Disentablge things as you can, make sure you have access to money, get in touch with anyone who can serve as a support network or help with transportation and lodging until you can get on your feet.  Take care of any Visa type issues or passport stuff if you need to cross any borders.

Talk to that lawyer.  Him telling you not to seek legal counsel under threat of destitution is enough to make it more important to do so, in my opinion.

As for seeking him out - I hate to say it, but I think that's a no.  What would your goal be if you talk to him?  Would you try to talk him out of this?  Would you try to coax him home?  Would you spill your plans to him, allowing him to throw a monkey wrench in them?  I think this is a good time for you to work on taking care of YOU, allow his absence to be a vacation of sorts where you can destress as much as possible in a situation like this, and see were the deadline takes you.  But I think seeking him out is about the same as badgering a pqBPD during the silent treatment.  It just keeps them angry and wastes your time. 

I hope thigns improve for you however they may.

[pearlsw]

Hi islime,

Thank you for your thoughts and taking the time to share them. It is very nice of you to drop by! I think with a non I would take this more seriously, with his issues and sheer number of breakups it is harder to tell. I actually do know some of my legal rights. I spoke to this lawyer/ex-friend back in March at another breakup moment that was much more severe.

Legal expenses here are extremely high. I think I will book an appointment later this week or early next... .if I don't see some change today or tomorrow. The reason he even helps this lawyer is because he had massive legal bills and we were actually both, at one point, "indentured" to her for services to pay them down. I also helped him get her to give up a $50,000 legal bill. I am cool like that, and apparently should have been a lawyer as good a case as I made to save his butt on that.  

Divorces are expensive here. If I don't agree to a "fast one" he is forced by law to support me here for 2 years and he has to move out, not me. I don't want such a thing, but he did invite me into this life and I gave up my past life for this life with him so... .there is stuff to sort out if he really wants to take it that way.

I am a very ethical and honorable person, or was until I got caught up in his loco life. I would have actually been willing to leave with nothing if he was just a non guy living in my home country who had not put me through the grinder with these hundreds of breakups and promised and taken the world and my life away so many times. Even with all that, I don't want to make his life bad. I am not a vindictive or mean person. I prefer to have dignity and honor - that is worth more than anything in life. He has an ex and child support to pay and he is also older than me and doesn't have much time left in life to worry about his retirement, but the thing is neither do I. I've lost a lot on this relationship work-wise, etc.

Worst case scenario I fly to the US to any state I have a relative in and knock on the door and the wheels start turning to save my sorry butt. I've never in my life asked, but I know they would not let me suffer... .and would be devastated to know what I've really suffered in life. I am just very shy and private and like to take care of myself - I have always been that way and that is not any easy change overnight after 40+ years of that. But I am also practical more than anything.

The thing that has always made this hard... and here is my main weakness with relationships... .is I lost my dad to cancer as a kid. It was a long term illness. My mom supported but also sort of... .didn't. She broke down and left him and us while that happened. It got built into me as a kid that I wanted to stay with someone through hard times. But I have left people - I've had to - people whose problems derailed my life in one way or another. I always have. But it is much easier to leave when you are on the same continent and have friends nearby and don't have feelings anymore.

I have certainly privately dreamed of getting out of this life at times, but it never goes far in my thoughts. I don't want that. I want to either do it all myself... .or, in a way, with this lawyer watching over him and forcing him to be mostly ethical (she is not always ethical, I know her) he will take some share of responsibility for the mess he's made.

But I have left relationships before, and gave all the stuff to the other person. I prefer to walk away with dignity. I want to save this relationship. I know this might not last forever, but I feel like there are still some good years left in it potentially. I can't stop him divorcing me. I have managed to stop it already many times so far though because it was not what he really wanted - ever. It stopped before any papers went anywhere - just filing here is expensive. He has handed me papers, threatened, cajoled and tried to force me to sign, and I didn't. Then later told me he was a fool to have done so. He loves me. He has severe black and white thinking. Severe. I was just "the woman of his dreams" whom he "never wanted to be away from even for a few minutes" just a couple of days ago. He dysregulates, always, over sex. It is sad, but that is what happens.

I don't know what to do, but I don't have to rush. He will make threats. I would like to know if a restraining order of some kind can prevent him from following through on any of those, but we'll see. I have stood up to him and his lawyer before and I will do it again if need be - me, in a foreign country, with different laws and no friends. I am strong. Mostly.

You are right about her. She is enabling him and doesn't get it. I try to be compassionate about it. I tried to seek her help for us earlier in the year, but she is... .let's just say not much of a feminist and not at all understanding of my struggles despite her years working with people dealing with divorce. She gets divorce, but not mental health. Not at all. Anyway... .

I don't think it is about my birthday actually. He already gave me a gift for it. It is just bad timing. I think he has co-morbidities... .the seasons are changing and at certain times of the year he seems to also have depression, but it is hard to say. He had legitimate reasons to be stressed out all these years because of his ex and kids... .but in time I realized his reactions were just way over the top and that I was in big trouble with his mood swings - they were very serious. I thought it was somewhat cultural at first, or wondered if he had similar mental health issues as one of his brothers. I still have no idea. I just focus on the behaviors and trying to relate to them and react to them as best I can.

If I really thought he didn't love me or want me I'd leave. And under normal circumstances I'd take nothing. He made this offer, I didn't ask for anything, but I will accept help so I can make it back to and restart my life with as little damage as possible.

My goal now is to soothe him and help find balance again. If he was a non and said he did not love me I would agree to a regular old fashioned break up. He is having a mental breakdown of sorts. I can't leave while that is happening.

He is saying all this stuff about divorce and money but he has no money for it at the moment. He can't afford to do this at time even if wants to to be honest. We are both better working things out, helping me find more work here, and getting back on track. We do love each other, hard as it is. Just two weeks ago he was talking about moving to my home country and starting a life there. He is just unstable. That's all. We'll see. Anything can happen! Who knows what he really wants/believes/feels.

Thanks again for joining the conversation! I appreciate it! You ask interesting questions and offer interesting insights.

[flourdust]

Hi, pearlsw. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. May I suggest that you start a post explaining your situation on the Family Law board? You can get some advice from the board members to better understand your options if you decide to look for a lawyer (or if you think your husband is doing so).

[pearlsw]

Hi flourdust, Thank you. This had to occurred to me... .but I wasn't sure if it was too soon or not. Thanks!

[flourdust]

No worries. It's a good place to ask hypothetical questions and explore scenarios.

[Tattered Heart]

One thing I am seeing at least, for myself, is I am willing to work on things if he wants to come back. Just go on. But I am not willing to beg and plead and crawl. I think if I just don't panic... .If I can not panic too much... .but it will be lonely... .these days. I gotta find hotline numbers so I can hear a human voice. I am not expecting to see/talk to another human until at least Thursday. Just Thursday and Friday and then... .a few days later it will be my birthday.

What kind of hotline number do you need?

I just had a thought. It won't fix things but I like to understand why something is happening. Could it be that you have been using the skills so well that he could not react inappropriately to little things? So instead he is acting erratic, coming up with new behavior to try to get the response from you that he used to get.

[Tattered Heart]

He is saying I "am the cause of his emotional pain and this has to stop." I am trying to say nice things via short notes. I wish I was better at validation. I never quite feel I have this right.

Can anyone please help me with starting with this all over again? With learning validation all over again from scratch I mean.

I am watching one that Tattered Heart recommended to me the other day. Maybe I will go reread lots of her posts and help set this into my speech responses better.

What is he saying? Let us help you practice some validation?