Introduction

[Chemgirl]

I am new to this. I do believe my guy has BPD, although he has not shared a diagnosis with me. My struggle is with his “back and forth” where things are good, but he occasionally get to a point he tells me I’m too good for him, or he is not loveable, and I should run away. I can see his fear of abandonment. He does react to some things as a child would-and anything which may SEEM negative is taken as horribly negative, even if it not meant as such. I can also see the regret and horror at his own actions and words afterward. He has raged at me on multiple occasions, but even during the rages I know it’s not the way things really are.

He knows HE has to right himself, and he will shut me out from time to time, but I WANT to be there for him. I want him to know I am there for him. And love him. At the advice of a close friend I tell him every night before I go to bed that I love him. Even if we did not talk at all during the day, or if he seemingly ignored my texting.(The one time I fell asleep without doing that... .as unintentional as it was... .it was a very bad morning the next morning- one of the rages). Clearly, he looks for it and it brings some security and comfort.

I have had a problem with establishing and maintaining my own boundaries in my younger years, so am super conscious of not doing THAT- even though I probably will continue to struggle with it for the rest of my life. Especially with him. I have gone through counseling for that and continue to read up on boundaries for my own mental health.

I love him. I want to be there, and continue to be there for him in a POSITIVE way.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Chemgirl,

Welcome to the family!

It sounds like you are very good at comforting and nurturing your partner and expressing your love. I agree, it is important to know how to preserve yourself in relation to this type of illness.

In what way would you say you are not holding up good boundaries with him at times if I may ask?

I agree that good mental health for ourselves is so important. This kind of relationship has taken a toll on me, but I am trying to keep my spirits up and moving forward in the face of it.

wishing you peace!

[Chemgirl]

Sometimes I am not even sure I am reacting in a positive way, or maintaining good boundaries as in situations where he seems to get upset about something I have said, or not said, or some expression on my face he interprets negatively - I may or may not even know about.

One example was when he reacted by essentially cancelling plans we had. We had planned to go away one weekend and something triggered him (I think he wanted more attention from me) but he responded by trying to make plans for the weekend with somebody else. (Quite literally he attempted to make plans with somebody who has no knowledge of OUR plans right in front of me).

That was very upsetting to me and I let him know it was not my intent to ignore him. I was super busy. I wanted to go away with him still. It was his call - the plans he and I made, or his with his coworker.

Even being direct and (what I believe is) straight forward in that manner, he may express his interpretation as I don’t care any longer. As if he wants a strong emotional reaction from me when I am trying to maintain composure and NOT react in a way that escalates things.

Sometimes I have to draw my line and then let him know I love him, or he reads it as I am giving up on him. I just struggle, because I almost feel he is TRYING to get a strong emotional reaction, as if that is the only way to show I care.

I do have to remind myself sometimes that my health and happiness are not depnedant upon HIS moments.

[pearlsw]

Oh Chemgirl! This is so relatable! I have noticed at times too that if my upwBPD traits is having emotional pain he tries to do things to make me feel his level of pain. They can feel such an intense level of rejection at times we nons would not. I try to be very mindful of this, but I can still miss the signs of when this is coming. He sometimes hides his pain until it simply explodes.

A lot of us are working on these topics... .Validating and boundaries. There is a good discussion somewhere on the board about what boundaries are and what they are not. I am not finding that exact discussion yet, but 1.07 and 1.08 on the Relationship Skills and Tools page are a good start:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

Let us know what you think! Does anyone else know where the discussion on what boundaries are and are not is please?

[Chemgirl]

I have gone through the relationship tools and would really like to see the discussion you mention PearlSW! If you find it please let me know!

[Tattered Heart]

We have this discussion on what Boundaries .

A lot of the time we think that boundaries are putting ultimatums or consequences on someone. Such as "If you don't stop doing X then I'm going to do Y." That's a threat and a form of control being used to try to change someone else's behavior.

A boundary has nothing to do with the behavior of the other person. They are based on a set of value that you have in your life to protect you from bad and let in the good. Think of them like a gate around your front yard. You determine those values and then do what you need to do to protect those boundaries not to change the other person's behavior.

For instance, I don't like it when my H begins to yell at me. My value is that "I will be spoken to respectfully". So if my H begins to yell at me, I will gently, calmly, and firmly say, "I don't like to be yelled at. I'm going to take a walk and will be back in a bit." He can stay inside and yell all he wants, but I don't have to sit there listening to it. I'm not trying to threaten him or make him change his behavior. I'm just removing myself from the presence of disrespectful behavior.