After 18 years, I’m worried that my marriage is finally ending

[DaddyBear77]

I go to sleep every night and things seem to be OK. And then many mornings, I’ll wake up to a fight that I can eventually work my way through. This morning and this afternoon things are very very different. I believe her this time when she says she’s leaving this time. It hurts so much. I should probably be posting this on “saving” but maybe I’m in denial still.

The reasons are ridiculous- at least the stated reasons. I’m a son of a b, I don’t care about her, I won’t “break up with my parents.” And she’s right, I’m not willing to do the things she needs me to do. But they’re not reasonable things!

So much love and so much time and it hangs in the balance. I’m shocked. I don’t know what else to write right now, but man this sucks.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

I'm here with ya! What is with today? It's not a full moon!

I don't know if I am denial either! Man, with a non, I always knew when these break up things were ultimately real, but with these BPD traits... .man, who knows.

I know! Reason? Reasonable? Nah!

Break up with your parents? What does that even mean? Give them up for her? Yeah, they can say some unusual stuff.

I went to bed thinking things were OK too!

Does she have somewhere to go? Has she ever walked out the door before? Why do you think this might be different?

 

[Notwendy]

Lack of object consistency.
And fluctuating feelings that come from within them,  but they perceive them as coming from the person who is supposed to make them feel loved- you.

It is good to be kind and loving to someone we care about- but we can not "make" them feel that if they are not feeling it in the moment. We actually can not make anyone feel something or fix their bad feelings for them.

They perceive their feelings of not being loved as something in the moment- " you didn't buy the ring" or the yeast infection means you rejected them sexually. But this is all in their minds. You might be able to help it with temporary appeasement but it is temporary.

The ups and downs, black and white, push and pull are part of the relationship dynamics. My best guess is that the waves went up ( the renewal of vows, the ring) and now they are down again. But soon the tide will probably rise.

How can you take  care of yourself during these times? Take your D to the park, go for ice cream, do something nice for yourself.

"Breaking up with your parents" won't solve the issue and will likely hurt them.

[Radcliff]

Hey, DB, hang in there.  I'm not betting big money that it's over.  My wife can be so convincing even after decades with her, I'll become convinced that the hammer is really coming down this time.  There's always a way she raises the ante, adjusts her approach, or exploits a weakness.  I find in these times I need to wait 48-72 hours (your mileage may vary) before attempting a repair.  Any immediate attempts at repair just feed the drama.  I just try to maintain some distance, not do anything through my behaviors to fan the flames, and put some energy into other relationships, like the kids.

Good luck.  Give it a day or three.  You'll be OK.

WW

[DaddyBear77]

Thanks everyone. I don’t have a lot of time so I’m just checking in for now.

I think what I have here is a choice. I can continue to try and convince my wife that I’ll “pick” her and cut my family off, and that’s how things get “resolved” for 5+ years at least. Or, I can just “come clean” and say what I believe, which is cutting off my family of origin is not something I’m willing to do and that I’m done sneaking around behind her back to talk to them and sneaking around behind my parents back telling them I’ll fix things and it’ll all work out.

It won’t. I think I’m finished. I’ll be back on when I can. But This is enough.

[pearlsw]

  Thinking of you and wishing you the best at this terribly difficult time!

[Sluggo]

DaddyBear

Break up with the family

That was my threat.  She did kick me out of the house becuase I said no.  I ended up coming back the next day after a night of negotiations saying I would stop talking to them for a period of time until she felt more comfortable.  Comfortable never came...

For me, that was the beginning of the end.  Giving into her demands, losing my family, was just another demand in a string of demands over a period of time.  I made that promise at year 15 of my marriage.  Unfortunately, mine ended in year 18.  The worst thing I agreed to was not visit my father in Hospice because wife told me I couldn't and I promised I would not visit family (from agreement).  I was just as unhealthy (if not more so) to agree to it.   

If to do over, I would not have given into the demand to stop talking to family as it was just a short change in behavior for a long term problem.  I lost my sense of dignity through it.  I should have stayed strong.

Sorry you are going through all this Daddy Bear as I know it has been a roller coaster for you for quite a while. 

Sluggo

[DaddyBear77]

pearlsw - thinking of you too. Thank you. 

Sluggo - hello again. Thank you so much for posting this at this moment.

As I type this, I am taking a break from a very long roller coaster emotional session. I am trying SO hard to validate and remain calm. I totally understand how upset she is that I lied and just went on speaking with my family of origin behind her back. I regret that. Would I have regretted it more if I DID stay away from my FoO and had an irreparable rift to deal with? Maybe. But what would have REALLY happened 5 years ago if I had said “absolutely not. I respect your point of view, but I respectfully disagree. I am going to have a relationship with my FoO because I believe it’s the right thing.” One thing that could have happened was my pregnant wife would have walked out the door. I believed her when she told me she would if I stayed in contact.

Anyway, the result is I’m dealing with both the lying (which IS on me), AND the unreasonable demand that I cut off my FoO.

And yes, I can foresee a day in the not too distant future when one of my parents are in hospice, having never gotten to know their granddaughter and being alienated from their son. Not good. Not what I want. This isn’t reasonable.

[Radcliff]

Hey DB,

As you know, I have my own history of giving into demands, making "deals with the devil," concealing the truth to avoid conflict, etc.  The price has always been higher in the end.  Yup, suck it up and admit where you violated your values (not where you violated her unreasonable expectations).  Then take the true path.  Do not shut out your FOO. 

Does she have any reasonable points about your FOO?  Any realistic concerns appropriate for partial validation?

Not telling you to run, but if you are talking about a potential ending, I will mention that you should read "Splitting," by Bill Eddy.  Have you read it yet?  Are you documenting your child care efforts and any out of bounds behaviors by your wife?  Even if you stay, documenting can be consistent with the "Improving" mindset because it helps you keep your bearings on reality.

WW

[DaddyBear77]

Thanks WW - I made another compromise of my values again tonight, albeit a smaller one than usual. Now we’re headed to bed together finally, rather than me sleeping in my car. We have 4 sofas in the house, but apparently if I didn’t come up with a “solution” tonight I was going to be forced to leave the house because “she can’t rest with me in the house.” Then later when I asked her why she thought she could force me out she told me she would tell the police she didn’t feel safe. Um, yeah.

Anyway, as for any reasonable points, yeah, there are certainly things my parents could have done differently over the years, and likewise there are things that both my wife and I could have done differently as well. My wife’s perception is that my parents want to interfere with our relationship, and that my mother wants to dictate how we live our lives. There’s some truth to that - my mother has said things like “you kids really should... .” or “why don’t you kids just... .” I’ve acknowledged my role and told her I didn’t think this was fair for my mother to do this, but I’ve tried to encourage her to bring this to the table and we’d all work it out. Instead she picked the nuclear option and this is where we are.

I’m going to try and get some sleep now but I’m still thinking things over. Splitting is a great book. It’s helped me be more confident in my abilities as a father and my position should anything come to that. Thank you for suggesting it. I don’t hear “run” - I AM still trying to improve things. It’s hard work.

[pearlsw]

Hi DaddyBear, I am glad you are not out in your car tonight! Hope things can improve tomorrow! 

[Sluggo]

Daddy Bear,

There were some details I did not realize on your part and I did not share when writing last night.  As many stories we have seen on this web sight... .this is very similar. 

I totally understand how upset she is that I lied and just went on speaking with my family of origin behind her back.

After I made the first negotiation with her... .(like you after being up late and a series of days of not sleeping well), I said I would not talk to FOO but I did behind her back. She found out a few months later, and trust was shattered.  I should not have done that.  No excuses but I was avoiding conflict.  After that happened,  I came back at 2nd negotiation and said I would not talk to them and I did not talk to FOO for about a couple of years.  No birthdays, no Christmas, etc.

I was going to be forced to leave the house because “she can’t rest with me in the house.” Then later when I asked her why she thought she could force me out she told me she would tell the police she didn’t feel safe   

Exwife said the same thing.  Actually one night she did call 911.  She told the operator that she did not want me in the bedroom.  She told the 911 lady (she was on speaker phone thinking I would tell her to hang up) that she wanted me to leave.  The 911 said, is he hurting you... .'no' wife answered.  911 said, why dont you just leave the room.  wife left room and cops came about 25 min later.  Nothing happened. 

One time she scheduled an appointment to visit the Deacon in our church together.  She said the same thing that she wanted me out of the house.  I said no, she said she would call the cops.  Again, she said just my presence at the home made her feel crazy.  Deacon asked me what I was going to do.  I was crying saying I did not want to leave the house. However, I chose - the first time I ever saw divorce/separation as a solution- I left the house for a day until she asked me back.  That 'option' was very freeing to me.  I finally realized I did have an option.  Just having an option made me feel more in control and not a victim.  It gave me strength   

[JoeBPD81]

Hey DaddyBear,

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. We all know the desperation about dealing with unreasonable demands, and among all the turmoil, to have one (small) thing to feel guilty about, opens the door to feel really awful about it all. We are not meant to be perfect. You did your best dealing with unreasonable demands.

You mother could be whatever, but still, you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her. You couldn't be a husband if you didn't have parents. So it is only natural to want to keep in touch with them. And if they are intrusive, deal with it with your wife as a team.

I hope things turn better, and that maybe this crisis is an opportunity to deal with the issue in the open, and you don't have to lie anymore.

Best of luck, and a big hug, brother.

[Radcliff]

Thanks WW - I made another compromise of my values again tonight, albeit a smaller one than usual. Now we’re headed to bed together finally, rather than me sleeping in my car. We have 4 sofas in the house, but apparently if I didn’t come up with a “solution” tonight I was going to be forced to leave the house because “she can’t rest with me in the house.” Then later when I asked her why she thought she could force me out she told me she would tell the police she didn’t feel safe. Um, yeah.

DB, I've slept on the garage floor in a sleeping bag for the very same reasons.  Finally, I pushed back.  I'll sleep in the house on any flat surface that is not in a bathroom.  My wife has said the same thing about feeling threatened by me, even though she's threatened to take a baseball bat to me and wakes me up in the middle of the night when I'm sleeping on the couch.

Don't sleep in the d*mn car.  Call her bluff.  Document every time she threatens you with calling the cops.

I can't remember, has she ever been physically violent?  If you are concerned about her calling the police, you might consider visiting them in the middle of the day when nothing has happened, introducing yourself, telling them what's happening in your home, and asking them for tips.  This will give you a feel for how your department handles these things, how they treat men on the receiving end, and will establish some credibility for yourself.  This could be another confidence builder for you.

On the FOO thing, I think most guys have a bit of learning to do about how to deal with their FOO's opinions, particularly their mother's, when it comes to respecting their wife and how she runs things.  It goes with the territory.  So, make your adjustments, be open about it, and drive for a solution that still includes your family.

And don't ever sleep in the freaking car again.  You need to be rested for work so you can put food on the table and be a good dad and husband.

WW

[flourdust]

DB... .let me offer a couple of suggestions.

First, I agree with those who say you should call her bluff on calling the cops if you don't leave the house or accede to her demands du jour. Well, "calling her bluff" isn't exactly the right term. Instead, I would say, do not give in to threats. All you are teaching her is that threats work to control you. IF the police tell you to leave the house, you leave the house then. You don't leave if she threatens to call them. You don't leave if she calls them. You don't leave if they come to the house and she tells them a crazy story. You calmly explain your situation to the police. They'll try to de-escalate, which may involve asking you to leave the house or some other solution. Then you go along with the solution the police offer. But I suspect that her threats are empty and it will never come to that.

Second ... .this may be a situation where a modified form of SET is appropriate.

Sympathy. You are so sorry for lying to her and contacting your parents behind her back. You were dishonest, and that is your fault.

Empathy. You understand how she might feel she can't trust you, and you would feel the same way if she was lying to you.

Truth. It isn't reasonable to ask you to cut off contact with your parents, and you aren't going to do it. Ever. Period. You will not hide that contact from her in the future, and you'll be honest about your interactions with them. But cutting off contact is not going to happen, no matter how much she asks or threatens. Period.

I think you will need to be this clear and this firm. You will not make her happy with this SET, but you will have definitively established your position -- and you will not engage in more debates or circular arguments about this -- you have told her what you will do, and she can leave or stay as she likes.

[DaddyBear77]

Knowing how similar these stories are is both reassuring and making me really sad for what goes on in these kinds of relationships.

Sluggo - I am so sorry you had such a similar pattern emerge. I also cut off contact TWICE, once for 6 months and again for 3 or 4 months. The demands for a complete ban on all contact started while my wife was pregnant with our D4. I couldn't bring myself at the time to stand up to my 6 month pregnant wife and say "absolutely not." And it was a real out-of-the-blue kind of thing - up until my wife's pregnancy, I was only "strongly discouraged" for me to have contact with them.

WW - Perhaps the best therapist I ever saw was someone who said exactly what you're saying - reach out to the PD now, explain the situation, and get a feel for how things will go. Make them aware before my wife does, just so I can get my side heard in a non-threatening environment. I really appreciate you sharing that with me. My wife has only been physically violent a couple of times, most recently she kicked a hole in the wall this past June. Before that it was about 2 and a half years ago when she tried to break my fingers. And before that it was throwing a remote control or something else that was handy. It's calmed down a lot, but it's one of the reasons I heard about seeing the police ahead of time.

flourdust - your SET is perfect, and it's something I've been trying to articulate in various forms over the past 24 hours. I really really like how you laid it out, though, and I am going to internalize this.


It seems like I'm more or less in another calm period. It was crazy how quick it flipped this time. I was literally lying in bed with her this morning after leaving to drop off D4 at day care. She was picking right back up where she left off at 4 in the morning. She hadn't gotten out of bed and left me to get D4 off to school, which was great, I loved it, it was SO much easier with out my wife involved.

Anyway, she was about to tear into me one more time and I just rolled over and said "I love you. I want to be with you. I want this to work. It's been 18 years today since we met. I WILL work this out with you" - and then, 30 seconds later, we were talking about spending the night in a hotel making love.

Despite the calm right now, though, I am really NOT OK with where things are. So they WILL change. But at least now I have some breathing room. I have no intention of squandering it.

[isilme]

The demand to cut things off with your family is a BPD-isolation tactic.  In order to ensure you are enmeshed and become an emotional appendage, all other contacts need to be cut, decreased, ridiculed and ended. 

There is likely a fear that you talk to the family about her, and they may think poorly of her and therefore encourage you to leave her.  And, family means you have a safe harbor of sorts, should she go off the deep end.  She may want you out of her sight, but she won't want you on Mom's couch, either. 

There is a line from one of the letters my BPD father wrote me, after going NC when he disowned me at 19 for telling him "No," for the first time in my life regarding an order.

I was about 21-23 years old, had been working in my field after graduating college on a full scholarship cum laude.  I was by no means well to do, but I was doing for myself with some help from H's parents (then BF, we were living together and they helped with some of his bills).  I got a letter AT MY PLACE OF WORK after being NC for about 3-5 years, and one thing that stood out was the prophesy/statement that my dad would only be happy "when you crawl back to me on your hands and knees in a fit of depression." 

He was angry I was denying him the pleasure of being enmeshed, of granting him full control over me. 

I know you want to decrease conflict, but I agree you don't need to be sleeping in your car.  If your house has multiple sofas, can you lock any door to one of those rooms and sleep in there?  And yes, if not the PD, reach out to some outside entity (lawyer, clergy, family counselor) that can document your marital difficulties BEFORE the battered woman act can come into play. 

The anger about lying is a smokescreen.  Basically, her emotions are a mess, and like others have stated, she NEEDS them to be your fault.  She needs YOU to "fix" them.  And when we, the "nons" DO mess up for real through exhaustion or fear of their reactions, they are "gotcha, I was right all along!".

[Radcliff]

Anyway, she was about to tear into me one more time and I just rolled over and said "I love you. I want to be with you. I want this to work. It's been 18 years today since we met. I WILL work this out with you" - and then, 30 seconds later, we were talking about spending the night in a hotel making love.

BINGO.  You got it DB.  In a calm tone, that short statement expressing confidence in the relationship and that we'll work it out.  One of the most effective tools in my toolbox.  Doesn't work every time, but it's a keeper.  Also, feels a million times better.  You are a shepherd, not a sheep.  Glad it worked!  And thanks for the reminder -- I'll need to use my own advice this week.

WW

[Meili]

I gotta say that I agree with everyone who has said that you shouldn't let her bully you. I've never understood what someone meant when they said, "She threw me out of the house last night." I don't know how someone does that without a court order.

As for the thing about your FoO, what is valid in what she is telling you? There is a reason that she wants you to cut contact. What is behind the words? That is what you are dealing with.

As for the lie part, I know that it's a drag, but you have to take your lumps on that one.

I'm sorry that all of this is going on for you. 

[Notwendy]

The topic "break up with your family" is distressing to me - having been on the receiving end of this from my father, at my BPD mother's directive. I wish any of you considering cutting off your parents for this reason would spend some time reading the heartbreaking posts from parents in this situation on the other board.

If this action actually helped your relationship in the long run, I might say go for it. If cutting off my grandparents, aunts, uncles and eventually me actually saved my parents' marriage, I would say OK do it because I also would have wished that for my father. But it didn't do it. It didn't change a thing. My mother was not happier in the long run. So this action basically hurt the people who loved him for no real benefit to the marriage. Maybe temporary relief but not real change.

So, you lied. People mess up. It is rarely the crime of the century, unless someone makes it so. Intrusive mother? What mother is perfect?  Probably most mothers have made unwelcome suggestions to their grown children- because they are mothers and because they care. The problem isn't that someone is intrusive or they made a mistake- it is the interpretation of it and the black and white thinking from victim mode- that the person deserves a punishment far out of proportion than the actual crime. So you may upset her, and this means sleeping in the car? So your mother says something that may feel intrusive- she may even express concern for her child who is in a difficult relationship and for that, you should cut her off?

I know some of the things my father went through- the being tossed out of the house, the suicide threats, some of it was truly hard and I know he would have done anything to make my mother happier but cutting off his family didn't do that.

The problem is not your family. The problem is the dynamics in the relationship and the way a person with BPD processes emotions and projects them on to what they perceive is the issue in the moment. What they are upset about isn't the problem. They feel lost and invalidated in the moment.

There are ways to improve your marriage, but cutting off the people who love you isn't one of them.

[Graceinaction]

DB, I don't have a whole lot to add. You've gotten really good advice, and I hope for your sake things are calm tonight like this morning. Just having that break in tension can help get your thoughts in order and let you focus on yourself for a while.
I really just want to say I'm right there with you on so many points. Sometimes I feel so alone, and reading these posts helps me know I'm not alone. You're not alone. There are lots of us out there, all over the world faced with these ridiculous situations and wondering how we got here and what the heck to do now.

[DaddyBear77]

Hey everyone - so, remember how I said we talked about making love in a hotel? Well, we’re at that hotel. We had this planned for a while so it’s not exactly spur of the moment. But we got here, had dinner, had a drink. At dinner, she even said “there are so many great things about our relationship. They’re really good great things. Why can’t we just have the great things and walk away from the bad?” So it seemed we were doing well.

We get back to the room, start to get ready for bed, and BALM! “I just can’t do this. You were talking to your MOM! I can’t do this anymore. It’s not even about your lying. It’s just the fact that you want to talk to your mom! I am leaving you. You just can’t live without her. You aren’t able to be in an adult relationship. You need to just go home and leave us alone. It’s the only way you’re going to be happy.”

I’m in the bathroom now. I’m about to go back in and see if I can talk this through. But I get the feeling that she looks at me talking to my mother as me having a legitimate affair. Like, cheating on her and having sex with my mom or something. It’s like my mother is literally a sexual and relationship partner threat. It’s more than I can even really comprehend. And I’ve been working on this for a long time.

[pearlsw]

Hi DB, Oh, I was so rooting for you in the hotel room! What a twist it took there! I am so sorry. Gosh, why, why must people's minds be this way? I hope she flips back to wanting to be with you, but I know you are in for a long struggle. 

[DaddyBear77]

Thanks pearlsw - they did flip back around and we’re getting some sleep. It’s funny - she also has a personal situation that made sex not a possibility even if things were perfect. I so totally get it and would never pressure her. I’m just happy to be sleeping in the same bed.

But the issue with my FoO is still completely unresolved.

 She’s holding firm to her position that contact with them is a betrayal and the equivalent of having an affair. I’m holding to my position that it’s perfectly reasonable. She screams in my face and calls me a horrible person for not thinking the same way she does. I silently, secretly shake my head and come here for a sanity check. We go to sleep next to each other and wake up and try again.

This cycle will end soon. And I will need to be the one to end it.

[JoeBPD81]

Oh God! the "I just can't do this" when things are going great, it's like a knife in the heart. We are there with you.

[Notwendy]

Maybe it would help to see a pattern of this. Could it be that during the times the two of you are relaxed and without distractions that her feelings of resentment come out? There may not even be a good reason for them- they are just there- and tend to be projected on the issue of the moment- talking to your mom. But that may not be the cause- the cause may be her own feelings projected on to the reason. Solve the "reason" but the feelings are still there and another "reason" takes their place. Before the mom issue- there was the ring. You solved the ring- you bought it. It may have brought a reprieve, but how long did that last? Did it solve the issue?

There may be no resolution of the issue with your FOO- because that may not be the actual problem- just the projected focus on it and the difference in realities. If you go along with hers- you are giving up your version of reality and your value system: it is OK for an adult to have contact with his parents, in fact, it is a good thing to do- a kindness as cutting them off would be hurtful to them.

[pearlsw]

Oh God! the "I just can't do this" when things are going great, it's like a knife in the heart. We are there with you.

exactly. i got the "knife" this week too. i wish i had the chance to mend things. i feel so sad and lost.

Hey DB, Any ideas on how to handle this family issue? It is so unfathomably unreasonable to ask a person not to talk to their own family! I am so sorry she puts this pressure on you. I wonder if in a way it is just... .is it just something that she knows you won't give up and since she may "want" an ongoing unsolvable fight it makes her feel justified to be angry all the time? Who knows! I am trying to imagine what I'd do if someone asked that of me. I'd naturally want to reason with them, but since we know that is not an option... .what do you do on this ya think? Just not JADE? 

[Meili]

There may be no resolution of the issue with your FOO- because that may not be the actual problem- just the projected focus on it and the difference in realities.

Notwendy is getting at the very thing that I was trying to point out.

There is some fear behind her demand. Until the two of you manage that fear, this is going to keep occurring.

[Notwendy]

Pearls- that is a good thought. I've dealt with the "push the boundaries" as "proof that you love me" thing in my marriage. The same result- it didn't work. Drop one boundary- then the next, then the next. It didn't solve the problem, and I was miserable.

With BPD mom it is a little of this as well as the challenge. She seems to enjoy being able to do this- push boundaries until we give up ( which we don't anymore). Maybe a sense of control? IDK.

The only thing I do know from observation is that it may give a temporary reprieve, but it doesn't stop. One boundary to the next.

The solution for me was "tough love". That may not work with everyone, but it was the way I was able to hold on to me during the difficult moments where my own reality felt challenged. IMHO, I think we have to be the emotional leaders in the relationship, with love- hold on to reality or live in the "feelings are fact" world.

On the break up with your family issue - teens can be  a challenge  and they can speak their minds.  If a pwBPD doesn't like the intrusion of family members, just imagine a teen in the house. My mother told me I was the reason for the problems in my parent's marriage. I graduated early from high school and left for college. I really believed that their marriage problems would be solved once I left. I only learned later from a sibling that they were not.

So the main point is still- projections of the feelings are behind the "reasons". Solving the "reason" - not speaking to your mother doesn't solve the problem because it isn't the reason in the first place.

[Sluggo]

Daddy Bear,

 

But I get the feeling that she looks at me talking to my mother as me having a legitimate affair. Like, cheating on her and having sex with my mom or something. It’s like my mother is literally a sexual and relationship partner threat. It’s more than I can even really comprehend. And I’ve been working on this for a long time.

One of our biggest fights where I was actually hit multiple times and my phone destroyed.  It happened at night when I was sleeping that my wife was going through my phone and read a text to my mom where I ended the text saying "Love you".  She started hitting me and took my phone and kept smashing it on my night stand.  She started stating that I was having sex with my mom.  She got graphic in detail (rated x graphic). 

It seemed to her love is a 0 some game.  That is if love was 100 pts... .  If I expressed love to my mom (ie 20 pts of love) then that meant I could only give her the rest of the (80 pts of love).  This became more complicated with the kids.  As if I expressed love to our kids (reading to the kids at night, going to games, etc) then this meant fewer points of love to my wife.  So any attention not showed on my wife in her eyes was a type of betrayal.  She would do whatever she could do wrestle that back (threaten divorce, yell, scream, put down, call names, micro manage, etc). 

What is the reason why behind all that?  I am not really sure.  But it seems it is a pattern in many of these relationships which maybe the 'why' is simply the mental illness.  If that is the case, then it changes the the way I approach it and understand.  That is, I did not cause it, I can not control it, I can not cure it.  From that point of view, I can take the appropriate actions which is best for me