right thinking ?

[badknees1]

I need to run something past you all to see if a coping skill I use is right thinking. When my BPD wife begins verbal attacks centered around the things I do or do not do showing I do not love her, I go into a train of thought that I say to myself " she is acting like she hates me, I have ruined her life, and I am a--hole, but she cpuld not live without me". SOmetimes this thought helps me withstand the attack without firing back thinking... .yes I am not perfect but I am not that bad since you are here yelling junk at me, why not leave". I calms me. this self talk seems like a good idea but is it ok to go there?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi badknees1,

Welcome to the family!

How are you doing these days?

I saw your post and was looking for what I might be able to share with you... .

What do you think of this lesson (2.09 How to Stop Circular Arguments)?  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

I thought the part on why we have arguments explains very well why difficult arguments can come up. It sounds like you are doing well at not JADE-ing (justify, argue, defend, explain) which I must say is about one of the best communication tools I've seen!

I picked this example, because I would suggest that instead of repeating her nasty words in her head you find other more positive things. I just think this might be a good adjustment because we are already hearing so much negativity at times as it is, ya know?

I try to take the sting out of the things my partner says too by just shrugging it all off. It is all nonsense when he is he is being mean/dark/unkind. He might as well be telling me monkeys can fly or I am a unicorn. It is not real or true. I don't carry it around with me.

Take care!

[Meili]

I think that you might be on the right track, but may want to revise the thought process a bit.

We generally advise people to not take it personally. You are essentially countering her words with your own logic about why she hasn't left yet. Perhaps you can take it a step further though and understand that she may feel that way in that moment, but those feelings have nothing to do with you really. When she's yelling that junk at you, remember that she's venting feelings. This will help you validate what is actually going on rather than focusing on the words.