Now that I'm done and have asked for divorce, he is doubling down

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm in a weird situation. I am stay at home, work at home mom, I am the bread winner (not by choice) and have finally woken up to the nightmare that the promises will never happen. The promise of change for 6 years, the counseling, the attempts to find help (for him and for our marriage). Back in April I was done. We went camping that month and I can close my eyes and picture me and my little girls in the tent, crying hysterically, as he raged outside the tent calling me horrible things. I remember seeing the fear in my LO's eyes, especially because they are so young and camping was a new thing.

I made him take a seasonal job that week, he was gone May until Sept. We felt 5 days per week what it would be like without the chaos. I asked for a 3 month separation (after the seasonal was to end) but he gave me 3 weeks instead. When he returned he came into the ring swinging... .that was Oct 5. It's been a nightmare ever since. It's like I opened pandora's box.

He told me a few days ago he is "doubling down". He's going to make my life more hell. Then 2 hours later, he's his nice personality and it's like "oh hey, I made dinner everyone, let's eat!"

He saw a psych who did not diagnose BPD, he labeled him something else. He put him on meds that he is now just 1.5 weeks later saying he's going to wean off (himself, not with docs help). He is more manic than ever, and now I am draining my last $$ to give him deposit and first month to get an apartment. I spent all my money on the psych, a therapist, etc. etc.

So with 18 pages of journaling the nightmare that has become my life, I feel guilty. I don't feel this way if I read the journal, but when he is nice, he tells me "I don't want to be this way". I know it is an illness, and I think I know the real guy (although when he is raging, he claims the mean one is the real one, and he is possessed by demons).

My 6 yo twins are showing signs of all of this. One is using violence to solve her problems, and screaming so loud it busts your ear drums. The other is saying things like "I know I am stupid" and "I know you don't like me". Wow. I cry so much these days. I am actually a strong woman, who has loved hard and lived life to the fullest... .and I feel so much shame that this man brought me down. He says "I hate you, I hate these children" and the next day is "hey, I fixed your bike wheel"

The girls are confused, I'm lost, and I wonder... .will I be able to give them enough love, and a better life, all by myself? Will I be able to help them heal? Will they rebel as teens and get back at me for letting it go on for 6 years of their life?

I am a momma bear that has to protect her cubs. I hate that I have to choose between them being on a rollercoaster of emotional turmoil OR be alone with me, raised without a father present. I know I am doing the right thing to protect them, but I am still SO LOST.

He is looking at apartments tomorrow, and I pray to god he finds one, as he is not scheduled to work until Thursday, and he could cause extreme toxic turmoil in the next few days.

[so_overit]

I'm in a weird situation. I am stay at home, work at home mom, I am the bread winner (not by choice) and have finally woken up to the nightmare that the promises will never happen. The promise of change for 6 years, the counseling, the attempts to find help (for him and for our marriage). Back in April I was done. We went camping that month and I can close my eyes and picture me and my little girls in the tent, crying hysterically, as he raged outside the tent calling me horrible things. I remember seeing the fear in my LO's eyes, especially because they are so young and camping was a new thing.

I made him take a seasonal job that week, he was gone May until Sept. We felt 5 days per week what it would be like without the chaos. I asked for a 3 month separation (after the seasonal was to end) but he gave me 3 weeks instead. When he returned he came into the ring swinging... .that was Oct 5. It's been a nightmare ever since. It's like I opened pandora's box.

He told me a few days ago he is "doubling down". He's going to make my life more hell. Then 2 hours later, he's his nice personality and it's like "oh hey, I made dinner everyone, let's eat!"

He saw a psych who did not diagnose BPD, he labeled him something else. He put him on meds that he is now just 1.5 weeks later saying he's going to wean off (himself, not with docs help). He is more manic than ever, and now I am draining my last $$ to give him deposit and first month to get an apartment. I spent all my money on the psych, a therapist, etc. etc.

So with 18 pages of journaling the nightmare that has become my life, I feel guilty. I don't feel this way if I read the journal, but when he is nice, he tells me "I don't want to be this way". I know it is an illness, and I think I know the real guy (although when he is raging, he claims the mean one is the real one, and he is possessed by demons).

My 6 yo twins are showing signs of all of this. One is using violence to solve her problems, and screaming so loud it busts your ear drums. The other is saying things like "I know I am stupid" and "I know you don't like me". Wow. I cry so much these days. I am actually a strong woman, who has loved hard and lived life to the fullest... .and I feel so much shame that this man brought me down. He says "I hate you, I hate these children" and the next day is "hey, I fixed your bike wheel"

The girls are confused, I'm lost, and I wonder... .will I be able to give them enough love, and a better life, all by myself? Will I be able to help them heal? Will they rebel as teens and get back at me for letting it go on for 6 years of their life?

I am a momma bear that has to protect her cubs. I hate that I have to choose between them being on a rollercoaster of emotional turmoil OR be alone with me, raised without a father present. I know I am doing the right thing to protect them, but I am still SO LOST.

He is looking at apartments tomorrow, and I pray to god he finds one, as he is not scheduled to work until Thursday, and he could cause extreme toxic turmoil in the next few days.

[Panda39]

Hi so_overit,

My advice is be the mama bear, focus on you and your kids.  Focus on what is (your husband has BPD traits) and not what you wish he would be, you can already see how his behaviors and the family dynamic are affecting your kids.

Yep, he's gonna double down (FOG), I felt like my SO's uBPDxw had a 2 year long extinction burst during their separation and divorce.  It sucks, it hurts, it can be incredibly hard but quite frankly he's gonna do what he's gonna do.

Once he moves out, I suggest switching to email communication only.  It slows down the interactions, and documents them.  You will have time to read over what is sent and think about your response if one is warranted.  Only respond to emails about the kids, if the email is ranting and bashing you ignore it (and save it).  Lower the contact and don't feed the drama.

I know you care about your husband, but now it's time to focus on you and your children and what you need.  He is an adult and believe me he will focus on what he wants.

Panda39

[so_overit]

I know you care about your husband, but now it's time to focus on you and your children and what you need.  He is an adult and believe me he will focus on what he wants.

Panda39

All good thoughts. I don't actually care about him anymore, except to feel sorry for him. He has said so many vile, horrible things to me, that any romantic feelings were crushed years ago. He is now making my life hell, I don't want anything more to do with any of it.

You are right, he's gonna do what he's gonna do and he hasn't stopped, no matter how many promises that he will. Gotta focus on these two babies of mine... .

[ForeverDad]

You are right, he's gonna do what he's gonna do and he hasn't stopped, no matter how many promises that he will. Gotta focus on these two babies of mine... .

Correct.  You and your children are your priority now.  He's an adult, let him take care of his own interests.  In fact, don't hide his misbehaviors when seeking to end the relationship.  No need to be overly nice, overly fair or whatever.  Avoid any of those impulses that might be self-sabotaging.

[so_overit]

Correct.  You and your children are your priority now.  He's an adult, let him take care of his own interests.  In fact, don't hide his misbehaviors when seeking to end the relationship.  No need to be overly nice, overly fair or whatever.  Avoid any of those impulses that might be self-sabotaging.

ooh, your quote, "can't reason with the unreasonable" so good! so true!

[livednlearned]

I agree, focus on your babies.

They are experiencing trauma, and will need an emotionally stable environment to heal. If they inherit any of the sensitive genotype their dad has, there is no way they can level out in a toxic environment.

It's a down day for me. I left 7 years ago today and my son is now 16. He's had 3 years of therapy + medications for anxiety/depression, under the guidance of a wonderful psychiatrist. We live in beautiful home with a great father figure, and he's at a school that's a perfect fit for him.

And still, he is working through trauma. Some days I wonder how he'll ever heal from what went down in our home, the fear and terror and trauma he experienced

They are dependent on you to protect them. That's what I said to my son the day we left. It's my job to protect you, and I cannot do that in this home, with your dad.

I'm so sorry you're at this crossroads. It is a hard and sad, sad place to be.

Glad you have friends here to walk with you so it's less lonely. This place was a gamechanger for me and I was never able to donate funds so I vowed to pay it forward and be here to help others going through the same nightmare.

Hang in there.

It can and does get better.

LnL

[so_overit]

Just an update, he moved out 10/31, my fav holiday, but after he was gone we had a pizza and watched a halloween movie, and just tried to thaw. I completed the divorce papers on 11/1, and asked him to meet me at the bank yesterday to sign in front of notary.

He was polite and went into the bank, signed, and came out. Told the girls that he'd get himself better and then they could go on a hike or something on his day off. I didn't engage, couldn't help but cry (tears streaming, but not sobbing), and just stared ahead in the car. He tried calling me later, and also today, but I did not answer.

It has been blissfully quiet for the past few days in the house. Well, as quiet as it can with 6 yo twins. Just no yelling, screaming, of the aggressive nature.

[so_overit]

And still, he is working through trauma. Some days I wonder how he'll ever heal from what went down in our home, the fear and terror and trauma he experienced

I'm so sad to read of your son and what he's had to do to overcome. I am so worried about the trauma that has affected my girls. They have mentioned the "fear" they experienced around him. I know it is a shoulda-woulda-coulda, but I really do wish I would have stood up and ended this when I first saw the signs of his anger towards our kids. It seemed to come out of nowhere and just get so bad so quickly.

Now the he is being so humble and nice... .I'm having to remind myself that just a few weeks ago he came into the room and said 'I hate you, I hate those children". How do I let him around them remembering that?