BPD Wife - Affair - Divorce - Reconciliation

[wind4me]

Good Morning,

First, I’m happy to have stumbled across this page.  It’s been extremely helpful and a wealth of information.  Second, Sorry for the long post

I’ve been married for five years.  During that time my wife has displayed most if not all of the traits of a person struggling with BPD.  While we dated, she walked me through her past which included an attempted suicide with hospitalization after a relationship breakup.  She told me she suffered from depression and was taking a few different medications (Depression, Anxiety, Sleep Deprivation).  She wanted to “come clean” and let me know that she had been the other women in extra marital affairs with married men.  She had struggled finding the “right guy” and had multiple relationships end badly.  She told me that she had been raped in college (drugged and date raped).  I took all of this information in during the time we dated and felt comfort and happy that we had such an open relationship.  She did have a few outbreaks of anger and a lot of outbreaks claiming that I didn’t want to marry her or was going to leave.  She had a few complete melt downs where she would just chant “please don’t leave me” over and over.  Through all of this I just felt she was struggling with depression and possibly a fear of commitment.  I didn’t even know what BPD was.

After marriage (immediately after) she shut down sexually.  Prior to marriage we had been very active romantically and after the honeymoon it just cooled off to almost nothing.  She struggled finding a job in our new city and drank heavily (more so than normal).  Our first few years were dotted with outbreaks of anger, accusations, and insults.  She would scream at me for trying to show her affection or just ask questions regarding her distance.  She would insult me, become physically aggressive, and was a complete financial disaster.  Traveling for work, even for just a day or two, would almost always cause some type of outbreak.  I can remember catching her in a lie once regarding another guy and she yelled at me that I was suffocating her. 

The behavior became extreme while we tried having children.  I felt it was the result of her having to come off of the medication she had been on for what I thought was depression.  Once we found out she was unable to have kids without help we went through the IVF process.  This time was probably the quietest time in our relationship.  The process its self is so intimate that I feel like she had found some type of peace.  The IVF worked and we had two children back to back over a two year period.  As these children have grown I have been the hands on primary care giver.  She has just not shown an interest or the patience to do the daily activities raising a child.  She sleeps in until 9am or later, has little to no interaction with them for play, and just gets frustrated or angry doing all of the routine work (meals, baths, reading, changing, ect.).  Her typical day involves sitting on the couch or in bed for hours on end while I manage the kids and work (I work from a home office).

2017 started off rough.  My wife’s behavior became more unstable and erratic.  Her outbreaks of anger and insults were more extreme and she threatened to leave on more than one occasion for no real reason.  Sometimes these outbreaks were triggered from something as simple as the dishwasher not being loaded properly or the way the Tupperware had been put away.  If I traveled for work she would almost always initiate some type of fight or argument which would be laced with insults.  During the spring her sleeping patterns became worse and I notice irregular texting and phone usage sometimes in the middle of the night.  In June she completely came unglued when I became friends with someone on Facebook that I had dated in high school twenty five years ago.  She ranted that I was going to leave her because this other person was so much better that her and her family.  This outbreak was so severe and out of the ordinary I felt it was attributed to her having an affair and dealing with the guilt.  It was at that time I checked her phone and found that she had been having at least one physical affair with a local man and one possible emotional affair with someone from out of town. 

Prior to a work related trip, I hired a private investigation company, and they caught her with the man at our marital residence three times.  Upon return from my trip I confirmed what they had been doing at our house from reviewing text messages both before and after the meetings on her phone.  I confronted her and she admitted to having the affair.  I found evidence of a second man on our iPad as at some point it synced with her phone and she admitted to exchanging inappropriate text messages and pictures with him.  After a few weeks of taking in all of the information I decided to file for a divorce.

The divorce process has been slow and an emotional roller coaster.  We are both still living in the same house as I won’t leave the children because I’m still providing almost all of the daily parenting for them.  The weeks/months have been one hysterical outbreak after another.  She has threatened me, insulted me, told me she loves me and doesn’t want a divorce.  She has intensified her self-destructive behavior staying out late, drinking, and driving home.  She has run up her credit cards buying all types of things and hiding them in our house.  She has made crazy comments around suspicion of me having affairs and has told me I’ve been abusive and emotionally distant.

I have been seeing a therapist now for over a month and it was during my second session that we discussed BPD.  It was like being hit by a truck and suddenly 5 years of living with my wife made sense.  All this time I had been walking around on egg shells (like the book) and didn’t know such a thing existed.

My question for the group is this:  Is my marriage salvageable?  To answer the obvious question – do I want to save it – well yes, but I just don’t know if she’s willing to get the help that’s needed.  I’ve  read about treatments for BPD but can that outcome lead to a caring relationship with a spouse that has BPD?  As the children grow older and their needs intensify will she struggle even worse with them?

Thanks for any feedback! 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Enabler]

Tough 5 years buddy. You're amongst friends here and a wealth of experience. I won't profess to being that wealth of experience but I'm in the trenches now and a few questions come to mind, a few questions that I have had to contemplate myself.

Firstly and this is more of a statement, you can only control you

- what if she never gets the treatment you think she needs based on your diagnosis of her. As you have articulated she ticks many boxes BUT and it's a very big BUT, is she self aware enough to agree that she needs help. I know from personal experience that despite what we see as overwhelming evidence that proves our SO suffers from BPD, they may see different justifications for their actions or may in fact not be aware of them all together. Can you keep going with the relationship if nothing changes?

- what has led you to tolerate the relationship thus far? The fact that you have started divorce proceedings would suggest that you aren't tolerating it and you want out, but since you ask can you come back from this would suggest you don't 100% want a divorce.

Good that you are seeking professional help

[livednlearned]

Hi wind4m3,

Welcome and hello  

I remember the same relief when I discovered the name for all the behaviors. I'm glad you were able to get that closure, and at the very least, know that you aren't alone.

Most of the people who are on this particular board made the decision to leave, or were left by their spouse, so opinions will reflect those experiences. If you have one foot in divorce, and one foot in the marriage, it might help to post on the Conflicted or Deciding board while also posting here.

A compassionate and helpful book about divorce that you may want to read, regardless of your choice, is Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse.

Highly dysregulated BPD spouses can become very high conflict and go on the offensive by abusing the legal system. Many of us have to keep several plates spinning while we work through the viability of our marriages, which can definitely feel like the heart in conflict with itself.

Fortunately, gathering information does not commit you to a particular action, although a lot of members do seem to struggle with guilt and obligation, and might put off a fact-finding mission because of the emotional overhead involved.

We also have a lot of Lessons about Family Law issues in the links at the top of this page.

Whatever you decide, we are here to walk with you. You're not alone anymore in trying to puzzle out these behaviors.

As for getting the help she needs, I will share with you what my therapist said. Sometimes, for a person to get the help they need, they have to hit rock bottom. And if we are always protecting them from hitting that bottom, they aren't as likely to seek help.

It's a sobering catch 22.

How are your kids doing? Do they show any signs of attachment issues with their mom?

LnL

[wind4me]

Thanks for the feedback.

As for the divorce – I’ve filed because of the adultery and I’m contemplating reconciliation because I have a feeling that her actions were a direct result of the BPD.  Will she seek treatment…... I’m not sure.  She was hospitalized for attempted suicide a few years prior to the start of our relationship so my gut tells me she is aware of her condition (BPD or something else). livednlearned – My therapist has said the same exact thing “she needs to hit rock bottom” prior to seeking help.  My thought was to approach her with an option to save the marriage.  One which would require treatment, therapy, and a postnuptial agreement.  If I have the ability to approach her in a manner where she can actually comprehend the discussion in a non-threatening way and is willing to do the work I’d consider reconciliation. 

My therapist has also told me that my feelings to reconcile could very well be guilt.  Guilt brought on from the dynamics of the relationship and how it’s affected me and my mindset.  I guess I just need to do some real soul searching to see if one last chance is the right thing.  The right thing for me and the children. 

[livednlearned]

My thought was to approach her with an option to save the marriage.  One which would require treatment, therapy, and a postnuptial agreement.

Do you think she will experience this as an ultimatum? Have you given her any ultimatums before? If so, how did things work out?

My therapist has also told me that my feelings to reconcile could very well be guilt.  

If you struggle with guilt, you'll fit right in here  

A lot of people here have worked through fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG).

One exercise that can be very helpful is to think deeply about your values -- this becomes the foundation for setting limits with your wife. For example, and this is just an example, you might have a value that people do not yell at you. That becomes the basis for your limit. You recognize that your wife yells, and you can't change that, but you can decide that if and when she yells, you leave the room, or house, or car. This would be something you tell her when she's emotionally regulated. When she yells, you remind her that this is one of your limits, and you leave the room, letting her know that you need time to yourself and will be back when you have had a chance to regroup.

Obviously that sounds much easier than it is in practice, but it's one of the mainstays describing how we, the non-BPD spouse, can have some control over the chaos and abuse.

When it comes to infidelity, you have to search your soul and decide how to walk this path with her, and what your limit is. The limit setting is the hard part because we often want our partner to change their behavior, except we really have no control over that. Setting limits is about thinking what we do have control over, which is our own behavior and how we respond.

It's not easy.

[wind4me]

Do you think she will experience this as an ultimatum? Have you given her any ultimatums before? If so, how did things work out?

Hi livednlearned,

No I have never given her an ultimatum nor have we ever talked about BPD or other issues outside of depression.  In the past, when I thought the outbreaks were related to depression, I'd try to talk to her about it and the conversation would always get flipped, become hostile, and spiral into conflict.

So for the most part I've steered clear of confronting her on the behavior and have just learned to live with it.

wind4me

[Tired_Dad]

Wind,

I would like to say that it will get easier for you now that you have a name for what you are experiencing. Unfortunately the whole experience of a BPD "partner" defies the logic of a naming convention.

I have been on this roller coaster as you have for some time now and I am also in the process of initiating a divorce. I have been very cautions about going through with it as I cannot bear to leave my son alone with her without a tempering influence or the ability to intercede that would be the result of a divorce. As he is getting older now and is more aware of what is going on and is more able to care for himself along with a more favorable work schedule situation I am less resistant to initiating a divorce.

This condition defies logic as I experience it and those of us who are problem solvers or inherently of the caretaker or rescuer mentality get drawn in hard and have difficulty getting out from under our own sense of duty to family. I have seen on this board many strong people just pushed to the edge with their own emotions cracking as they struggle to care for a family under the influence of a BPD.

There can be peace and success in maintaining a relationship. There are many that have, but it took commitment to the change from both members of the dynamic and getting that buy in from a BPD spouse is not easy to come by, and often does not last. But when it does the rewards seem to be great for all parties.

You need to decide for you how much of this you can take, what your boundaries are, and how to be kind with out being compromised (I struggle with the last one myself).

[ForeverDad]

Historically, infidelity has been an almost universal basis to divorce since it broke the marriage bond.  However, if you reconcile then what assurance do you have it won't happen again?  Unless she Lets Go of her Denial (understandable, no one wants to admit to issues), gets meaningful therapy, applies it diligently in her life, keeps on despite brief relapses, and makes solid progress toward recovery... .well, unless that happens then the future will be like the past.

Promises aren't enough to make reconciliation work.  You would need time to determine if she really is solidly on the path to recovery.  That will be hard for her, many don't do it.  You would have to give it time to see if she really does sticks with meaningful therapy.

Beware of the thought that the kids need you two together.  If the example they would see would be of recurring conflict, demands and appeasing then there is risk that they'll feel it is 'normal' and that may shape what sort of relationships they choose when they're grown.  Here's a post I made recently.

Ponder what example staying in a dysfunctional relationship would be for them.  When they grow up, what example would they have known, would they have experienced normalcy, stability, consistent parenting?  Would you be happy for them to have two inclinations, either to be playing catch-up or perhaps appeaser like dad, or to be like inconsistent and unstable mom?  Many children will tend to drift toward and choose what they've experienced.  Even considering your efforts in the last couple years, will it have been enough to help them make informed and confident choices in their adult relationships?

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, alienation attempts, overall craziness, etc.  Over 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.

Even if the discord and insanity is of lesser nature, it is important to ponder whether establishing a separate and stable home would make a significant positive difference for the children, not just you.  They could still have time with their mother, perhaps a lot of time, but the point is that they will almost surely notice your better example over time in your own stable home and that example could make a real difference in their futures.

I am a huge fan of marriage but if it is dysfunctional and unhealthy then... .  I wasn't happy to divorce but my marriage had become unhealthy (had imploded) and there was no other option for me.

I'm not saying you shouldn't consider reconciliation — I offered and she refused — but be sure you do it for the right reasons, right expectations and right methods.  So much depends on whether she seeks recovery.

[wind4me]

Just wanted to pass along an update

I just found out that my wife has been seeing a counselor.  One that specializes in Dialectical behavior therapy and Cognitive behavioral therapy.  This seems like a big step on her part but also seems to indicate that she was diagnosed with BPD or an illness in close proximity at some point.  After checking in on the clinic this particular counselor is the only one that specializes in the therapies.  This seems like a good sign to me – Am I missing something?

[Tired_Dad]

That is excellent news for you and her that she is getting those forms of treatment.

As a caution she may not have been officially diagnosed with BPD as it is easier for a therapist to diagnose severe depression, anxiety, etc. and it may be detrimental to your situation if you bring up the subject of her diagnosis as BPD as it may come across as blaming and further inflate the issues.

[livednlearned]

It could be very helpful for you to learn the DBT skills, too, even if you do not mention a potential BPD diagnosis. They are easy to understand, harder to put into practice and take to heart, even for those of us who don't have BPD. That alone can build empathy.

There is evidence that family members who embrace DBT skills and create a validating environment can prevent things from getting worse.

That's a little different than saying they will save the marriage, but it's something at least.

[ForeverDad]

In years past many with BPD were diagnosed as Bi-polar since that had medical therapies and is more easily included in medical insurance policies.  For BPD, it was harder to get authorization since it's not about meds but therapy.

LnL is right, if you learn DBT skills yourself then you will be more aware of how to express yourself and communicate with her, perhaps even notice ways she is improving.

Of course, attending DBT or CBT sessions is not enough, she has to apply it in her life.  How can you ensure that she is making real long-term improvements and not just marking time?

[wind4me]

In years past many with BPD were diagnosed as Bi-polar since that had medical therapies and is more easily included in medical insurance policies.  For BPD, it was harder to get authorization since it's not about meds but therapy.

LnL is right, if you learn DBT skills yourself then you will be more aware of how to express yourself and communicate with her, perhaps even notice ways she is improving.

Of course, attending DBT or CBT sessions is not enough, she has to apply it in her life.  How can you ensure that she is making real long-term improvements and not just marking time?

It is very difficult to know if she’s just “making time” as you stated.  I don’t think she’s hit rock bottom yet and the trigger for getting help was more than likely her own understanding of her issues.  I mean she hand-picked the only counselor in an office of many that specialized in DBT and CBT so my gut tells me she’s attended that type of therapy before. 

[Portent]

Just wanted to pass along an update

I just found out that my wife has been seeing a counselor.  One that specializes in Dialectical behavior therapy and Cognitive behavioral therapy.  This seems like a big step on her part but also seems to indicate that she was diagnosed with BPD or an illness in close proximity at some point.  After checking in on the clinic this particular counselor is the only one that specializes in the therapies.  This seems like a good sign to me – Am I missing something?

IMHO you need to put your foot down and demand that you be included in the therapy. DBT works best with family involvement but the therapist cant require the patient to do so.