Introduction: Protecting my wife from my mom (and from my trauma)

[Blicero]

I just saw on the sidebar to this site the "survivors guide" -- this is new to me and really helpful. So let me say, "I am in a breakthrough crisis."

My mother has BPD, although I didn't realize that until three years ago when I was planning my wedding. So in some ways, the three years of my marriage have been an ongoing breakthrough crisis, while trying to figure out how to protect my wife, and now my son, from my mom and her toxic worldview. And, I now realize, how to protect them from my own trauma, which I haven't fully taken responsibility for, but now I need to. It's important to me that I not reproduce the dynamics of my parents' relationship in my own marriage, and that my son not learn the worldview that was normal to me growing up.

When I was a kid, I would have these implosive rages when I was outside the house -- I would feel so angry and frustrated I'd start trying to break things around me or hit myself or hurt myself. Last night I manifested that same thing in front of my wife, causing her a lot of distress and me a lot of shame... .

About a month ago my wife insisted that I send my mom a short email that said I couldn't be in touch with them anymore, and that I'd reach out to them when I could. I need to figure out whether and how I can re-initiate communication with them in a way that protects my marriage. My therapist says, correctly, that we won't be able to change my mother's behavior, but can only change how we react to it; but I can change how I react to it, because I've got a lifetimes practice in disassociating, but I can't control my wife's reaction; she gets upset when upsetting things happen, understandably. And my disassociation, then, doesn't help her at all -- she needs me to get upset and defend her.

I don't have a concrete sense of what to say to my mom to re-initiate contact, in a way that will be safe -- she oversteps any boundaries I set, flagrantly, drawing attention to the fact that I can't stop her from doing it. She questions my decisions as a parent, she insults my wife endlessly, and so on. And yet, there hasn't been a big climactic violation that caused me to break off contact with her -- just a series of "I'm not able to handle this" especially as life for me and my wife got difficult, with work, having a 2 year old, etc; I just can't devote so much emotional energy to my parents, who should be a source of support in a time like this. Even if I do cut off contact permanently, or just keep on as I've been, just ignoring her emails and texts and calls, I'd like to someday send her something that at least explains why -- at least to my satisfaction.

Anyway, thanks for being here, I'm tremendously grateful to be able to reach out to this board... .

[Struggles]

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I know this is hard for you on so many levels.  My husbands mother also has BPD (undiagnosed). 

My husband says he has grown so used to it that it doesn't effect him and his brothers as much like it does me and my sister in laws.

Although here lately the rages have gotten so bad, he had to result in little contact at first, and now no contact.  Lately it's gotten so bad.  In the last couple of months she has threatened my sister in law, called her grandchildren horrible names to their faces, threatened to stalk me, followed me into a public restroom (blocked me from leaving the public restroom and grabbed my arm), accused me of cheating on my husband and doing drugs, and told my husband and his brothers that they don't make her happy anymore and wants nothing to do with them, and many more horrible things.  She has also started seeing snakes that aren't there and putting holes in her walls at first and now tore down the walls in some of the rooms of her home. 

For my husband, he made the decision on going no contact with her because to him she went to far and it was hurting him to see me hurt.  I hate that it has come to this.  He advised her that because of what she has said and done that there is a wedge there, and told her that she could only fix it by getting help.  We all feel like this will never happen, as she does not see a problem. 

I can't tell you what is the right or wrong way to handle the situation you are in.  This is most definitely a hard situation to be in.  If you still want to remain in contact with your mom, I do suggest boundaries that you can set with her, and maybe that could be something you and your wife discuss.  Boundaries that you feel you would like to be set, and boundaries that your wife would like to see set.  I have read that if the boundaries are crossed then there does need to be a consequence to those boundaries being broken.  Maybe someone can come along with some good links on setting boundaries. 

I sure wish that my husbands mother didn't take it as far as she took it this last time, because turmoil and conflict is something I cannot stand. 

It might be helpful for your wife to do some research and maybe even join as well to help her cope with the hurt she has.  It has been extremely helpful to have people who are going through the same things to listen.  And I think just writing out what we feel is so therapeutic as well. 

Sending lots of hope for resolution your way.  Take good care. 

[Blicero]

Thank you for your support, and sharing your story -- that's really a lot like our situation, a terrible place to be. Since there's so many parallels, can I ask your advice and some more questions?

Did your husband try to tell his mom why he was breaking off contact, or did he just do it?
On the way to it getting so bad, to this point, how did you and your husband communicate and stay on the same page? My mother, and many BPDs, try to split people, and in my case especially she tries hard to split me from my wife. Did you and your husband come up with any ways of communicating that kept you from turning on each other? If she was acting hurtful to you in front of him, how did you communicate to him that you were being hurt and he needed to step in? Was he good at recognizing when he needed to step in, get in the way of his mother from hurting you, or did you have to ask him to? Was he able to do that kind of intervention?

These are all things I'm struggling with so much. Since my survival tactics have long been defensive (just shell up, disassociate, and hope it's over soon), I have to make a real effort to recognize in the moment when my mother is hurting my wife, even if my mother has a smile on her face when she's doing it.

My mom's not as far gone as your mother in law, in that my mom's hallucinating; sometimes she's able to present to the world as healthy, and she often tries to pass off the mean things she says as jokes, and people generally let her get away with it, because people generally are generous. A strong parallel to my mother is that your in-law doesn't recognize that there's a problem, and so would never get help; my mother is utterly incapable of self-awareness -- the problem with the world is always external to her, the world is always out to get her (which is baffling to the world at large, because she's a therapist by profession). Since I'm her son, at an early age I internalized that the problem was me and not her, that I was deeply flawed in a way that constantly triggered my mother's rages (which were always only emotionally abusive but not physically).

[Struggles]

You are so welcome, and of course I don't mind answering any questions you have.  

My husband and I have been married 11 years, together for 13.  In the beginning, he didn't step in and tell his mother when she was wrong.  Also, the things she said back then or when she over stepped boundaries were very minor as to what they are now.  

i can remember a point where we fought so much because the stress of dealing with it.  We used to live right next door to her.  My husband reached his breaking point with her constant control and lack of respect for us that he decided we needed to move.  So we bought a house about an hour away.  We didn't tell her until we were already in contract.

In front of my FIL she acted happy, but when all was said and done she was furious.  He told her that a big part of why we moved was because of her.  She came to my work, got in my face.  Literally an inch away from my nose.  

All of us (me, my husbands siblings and spouses) have done the same as you, just let it happen and hope it passes quickly and goes back to normal.  

None of us like confrontation, but have reached the point now where we cannot let it go on any longer.

My husband didn't tell his mother he was not speaking to her anymore, but he did explain to his father that he had blocked her from his phone and would no longer be around his mother or go to their home.  

She has tried to hide a lot of what she has said and done from my father in law, but he has found out through all of us.  My father in law says he feels like he's lost the woman he used to love and doesn't know how to get her back.  

It's so hard to say how my husband and I stayed on the same page, there were sometimes of course we weren't on the same page.  Communication, I can tell you is the best tool in this.  Whenever there was something we needed to talk about, we would always sit down on the couch and talk about it until we felt it was resolved.  And wow, those were some long talks I can tell you, but totally worth it.  

You are very right that a BPD likes to tear down a relationship.  She has even tried to get my husband and his brothers mad at their father.  She has sent mean text messages from his phone acting like they were coming from him, but my husband and his siblings can tell the difference in the text messages.  They let my father in law know and sure enough he didn't know she had gotten his phone.  But she deleted the texts so that my father in law wouldn't know.  She's very good at what she does.  

Looking back, we finally realized that giving his mother even the slightest bit of personal information was always a big mistake, because she would either tell everyone she could or turn it against us.  So we finally stopped giving her any information about us.  

I also think that maybe if you and your wife can make a signal that only you and her know, so that when you are around your mom and your wife is uncomfortable she can let you know.

We have done that a few times as well, generally now we can pretty much tell by the looks on each other's faces what the other is thinking.  

The last time my husband had contact with his mom, she blamed me for him not speaking to her, and accused me of cheating, and saying she was going to stalk me.  He reached his breaking point and text her back.  He told her that I was not the reason that they weren't close anymore, that her and her actions were what caused that.  That her constantly hurting everyone and her manic episodes were why he didn't want to come around her.  He told her the only way she could fix the wedge she had created was to get some help.  And he finished it up with "and lying about my wife is petty, but sadly I'm not surprised by your actions anymore".  

She continued to bash me, tell him what a crap son he was, and that is when he blocked her.  He is very angry, and I don't feel it is my place to tell him when and if he has contact with his mom so I don't sway him either way.  I tell him that I am proud of him and thank him for taking up for me and for ultimately taking up for himself.  

If they can get back on good terms and she can stop hurting him, I hope that can happen.  But as for me, I know I will not have anything to do with her again.  And he completely respects and understands that.  

I think where I am trying to go with all this, is always support one another in what's going on, and put each other first.  And I know that can be so hard when dealing with someone who has BPD.  

Once you both have established the boundaries that you are comfortable setting with your mom, and have worked out what you both feel is necessary, try not to let that be the only thing you talk about.  I know for us, when we are in the middle of the fire with his mother it can tend to be the only thing you discuss.  so now, we do keep each other informed of what's going on or if something new comes up with her.  We discuss it quickly and then we go back to normal, doing something we enjoy with each other or tell each other about the rest of our day.  

I understand completely what you are talking about with survival tactics.  The more I read about BPD, the more I understand what my husband had to deal with his whole life, and why it's hard to tell her when she's in the wrong.  It feels pointless, because she never admits fault, and never apologizes.   To this day, my husband cannot have a heated conversation in a small space.  Because his mother has always trapped him in a small space to make him listen to her when she was angry.