Peeling Back the Layers

[drained1996]

It isn't just the people here that trigger the emotions, it's my surroundings. There is so much negativity and "bad" surrounding me on a daily basis that it keeps me at a heightened state of arousal and very guarded.

Is it the "bad" and the surroundings as much has how you allow yourself to react to those perceived triggers? 

[Meili]

I don't think that it's my reaction. I know that there was a marked change in how I felt here beginning in 6th grade, and that was 35ish years ago. At this point, it would really be hard for me to tell.

I've tried to "make the best of it" and find the good. That has never been very successful.

In 1998, I moved to Colorado for six months. I felt completely different during that time period. I had to return here because of my child and on going custody issues in court. I spent a total of 10 years involved in custody disputes issues and living "under the microscope of the courts." But, I digress.

My T's position on all of this is that I should take more trips and venture out more while not giving up the safety and security of the job that I've had for nearly 20 years.

[drained1996]

I don't think that it's my reaction. I know that there was a marked change in how I felt here beginning in 6th grade, and that was 35ish years ago. At this point, it would really be hard for me to tell.

I've tried to "make the best of it" and find the good. That has never been very successful.

My own personal experience was that it was my own reactions/my own ___ that made my world a not so happy place.  I could manage it, live in it, but never really understood it until I peeled my own onion as you seem to be doing.  I learned I did not love my mother... .that was only the first layer. 

[Meili]

I have, essentially, been estranged from my family for a while now. I distanced myself from my mother a few years ago. Well, thinking back, I've been an outsider in my own family since I was a teenager. There is no closeness there at all.

I'm completely indifferent to my mother and feel sorry for my father. I have zero respect for either of them or my siblings. I don't even feel ashamed or embarrassed about it anymore.

The problem and reactions with where I live have more to do with the people here than my family. There is so much racism and prejudice. I'm astonished that people still think and act this way in the 21st century.

[drained1996]

I'm completely indifferent to my mother and feel sorry for my father. I have zero respect for either of them or my siblings. I don't even feel ashamed or embarrassed about it anymore.

And I was and am in the same position... .I'll ask where are you in processing all of that?  Has there been some or any reconciliation/recongnition of any of these feelings by your family?  Or have  you simply come to your conclusions and "let go" of the "family" you thought had?
Both my parents have passed, and I feel pretty much the same as you stated, indifferent to my mother, and sorry for my father even in their passing.  The rest of the FOO will work itself out with time and patience.  I understand what I'm dealing with.

As for the racism and prejudice that people think... .seems to have been magnified in the last decade.  No political statement there, just that we are of the same age, and I know in my own experience, things have digressed more in the last decade race relations wise than you and I have ever seen... .taking us back to where we cannot remember.  But that seems nationwide... .not something confined to your own little piece of this world.  

The problem and reactions with where I live have more to do with the people here than my family. There is so much racism and prejudice. I'm astonished that people still think and act this way in the 21st century.

I'm certainly not trying to be judging, nor sound invalidating... .do you think you may be more emotionally impacted by the people who are your "family" and have a much more rooted influence on the way you feel about who YOU are daily, than what you refer to as the problem with the people that surround you where you live?      
  

[Bo123]

Meili-- You sound like one of those people in life who was just handed a bad deck of cards.  None of it your fault, but it sucks.  Childhood trauma is unfortunate and tough to overcome.  You're seeing a T, FANTASTIC.  Change is what I think you need, keep that 20 year job, forgive those people in the past, not for them but for YOU.  Odd concept but it works.  You seem to have most of you stuff together but need a new path than the one you've worn thin.  Consider the trips, blank out the past, may a new T will have a different viewpoint if you feel you're not making progress with this one.  Life is a journey and I got a good feeling about your future and you should to.

[Meili]

drained1996

I let go of that "family" long ago. When I was in my early teens, my mother told me that we are not a family, but rather a group of people genetically combined. As I relate to the rest of them, I don't think that she could have been anymore correct. I was one of those kids who, basically, took care of himself since a very young age.

Coming from Detroit in the early 70's, I'm no stranger to racism. I was very young, but I still remember my parents complaining about the school district becoming integrated. I have always been very troubled by their outlook on people just because they fit into one group or another. That probably has a lot to do with my intolerance of it from people that I choose to allow into my world.

What I'm starting to learn is that I am not putting myself out there. It is my own fear of rejection that causes me to dismiss others and not allow them into my world. In my last thread, there was a discussion about how hard I find it to make friends with others. The focus there was about how I view other people. They are not good enough for me was basically what I was unwittingly saying. After reflecting on that, I realized that I was doing what I witnessed as a child, but I wasn't doing it based on the color of a person's skin or socio-economic background. Instead, I was lumping them into other preconceived groups and applying my own prejudices.

That being said, I rarely allow people to get close to me. The ones that I do, do have a large impact on me. This is why when my r/s ended with my x, I was so deeply impacted. Recently, I probably did something very stupid after seeing my x that has resulted in one of my best friends discarding me. I have not heard from him since that night. It took me a bit to realize that I was bothered by this because, subconsciously, it reaffirmed my self-image of not being worth anything. It translated to "If I was worth anything, my friend would have talked to me about whatever it was that I did (I still have no real idea, there was a lot of alcohol involved), but since he isn't, I must not be."

Bo123

I completely agree, forgiveness is a gift that we give ourselves. I hold no animosity toward the people in my past. They were doing what they thought was best/right at the time. There is no way to change it now.

My current T is newish to me. I switched a few months back. She does have a different view on things. We are still finding our path together though.

Change is what I'm working on now. I'm in a period of discovering just who I am and what I want to do going forward. It is an interesting journey to say the least. I'm struggling to find balance and a place between the behavior that should have landed me in prison or dead and the ultra-safe place that I've hidden in for so long.

The real struggle seems to be finding and maintaining healthy stimuli.

[drained1996]

I probably did something very stupid after seeing my x that has resulted in one of my best friends discarding me. I have not heard from him since that night. It took me a bit to realize that I was bothered by this because, subconsciously, it reaffirmed my self-image of not being worth anything. It translated to "If I was worth anything, my friend would have talked to me about whatever it was that I did (I still have no real idea, there was a lot of alcohol involved), but since he isn't, I must not be."

A lot of what I read in your posts resonates... .and for me it pointed all back to FOO.  Not worthy enough, the inability to validate myself, and of course their part in invalidating me and my feelings beginning at an early age. All that is not something easily reconciled.   
I'll ask, have you tried to contact your good friend to see where things stand?  If not, why?

[Meili]

Nope, I have not tried to contact him. The main reason had been because of that feeling that if our friendship was not worth it to him, then it's time for me to move along. Then I realized that the friendship didn't really mean that much to me. I was basically accepting him as a friend because he was available. Sad, but true.

He did contact my gf a few days ago to let her know what happened. But, didn't want to talk to me. What was interesting to me was that he didn't let her know because she should know (I had already told her that I was sure that I did something bad), or to cause problems between her and I. The reason that he contacted her was because he and his gf were afraid that I was saying bad things about them.

Anyway, yes, all that happened that day was the result of my FOO issues. I'm honestly glad that it did. It has given me a deeper understanding of how my mind works and where I'm really at with those old wounds. It also made me look at the people that I allow in my life and why. I have known that my choices in romantic partners basically boiled down to just accepting whoever would have me. I can now see that I have been that way with friends too.

My T and I have talked about my not allowing my friends to get emotionally close to me. I thought that it was because of a fear of rejection and abandonment. But, that isn't really it. I don't let them get close because I am just not that interested in most of them. I just accept them as friends because they wanted me as their friend. Most of my friends over the years, I didn't actually like.

It all came down to self-worth.

[enlighten me]

Hi Meili

Do you find others boring? I thought this but what I came to realise is that I got more exasperated with their choices than them being boring. They keep on making the same mistakes and having the same complaints which gets frustrating.

[Meili]

Yes, I've found most of my "friends" to be boring. It wasn't because of being exasperated for making bad life choices however. Most were very single-minded people and lacked the depth and complexity that I seek. That realization happened when I started to look at some of my favorite hobbies, like riding motorcycles and SCUBA diving. Both those activities are more fun in a group. But, neither allow for or have much communication between those in the group.

Because I'm a high sensation seeker, their bad life choices were actually a boon for me; it meant drama. Even better, it wasn't drama that involved me.

Since recognizing these things since the ending of my r/s with my pwBPD, I've had to rethink what I really want in my life and the types of people that I want to surround myself with.

It has also meant that I've had to face some harsh truths about my own choices. It has been very hard to admit some of the damage that I've done to myself as I replay the traumas from my childhood. It has been even harder for me to accept that everyone is going to treat me like my FOO. And that is where the true fears begin for me.

I've written before that I'm not afraid to die. The void as Harley Quinn calls it does not scare me in the least. Unfortunately, living terrifies me. For me to accept that I am worthy of love, friendship, and adoration means that I must accept the reality of my parents. There is no struggle for me to accept that the things that I experienced happened. The reasons behind those things though... .those I struggle with.

[Meili]

pearlsw said something to Tattered Heart in TH's thread that was an awakening to me:

I thought being with my "h" would lead to more in life and not... .so much pain and so much less personal success.

The pain part doesn't apply so much, but the personal success part rang true for me.

As of late, I've been struggling with feeling frustrated and unhappy. When I got involved in my current r/s, I had big aspirations for personal successes in my future. None of which have been realized.

I started noticing a pattern with my gf after my surgery a few months ago. She loves to "take care of me" (read: mother me). This played right into my FOO issues about my neglectful mother. Finally, a woman wanted to take care of me.

But, as I've been going through T, I've had to take an honest look at how I live my life. I started to pay attention to the dynamics of the r/s. I've noticed that my gf gives lip service to being supportive of my goals and dreams, but does things to sabotage or block them when there is no direct benefit to her. I've allowed these things to happen because of fear of stopping them. The axiom we teach others how to treat us is in play here.

So, the next question that I must answer is why I readily allow this to happen? I suppose that my 'conflict avoidance' defense mechanism is in full swing. But, that begs the question of why I seek to avoid the conflict. If I'm honest with myself, I am afraid that she will end the r/s before I'm ready.

So, I'm sacrificing my personal successes because I'm afraid.

[Harley Quinn]

Does there need to be a conflict?  In other words, is it a given that this could be the only outcome of your pursuing your aspirations regardless of her actions or words?  How else could it play out?

Love and light x

[Meili]

Of course, there are an infinite number of possible outcomes.

I think that my fear about the outcome is the relevant part. I'm still allowing my past scars to dictate my future.

My logical mind says, "So what if things go sour before I'm ready? It's the outcome that needs to happen for the two of us to grow and move toward happiness anyway." But, I still allow the fear to paralyze that part of my life.

[drained1996]

My logical mind says, "So what if things go sour before I'm ready? It's the outcome that needs to happen for the two of us to grow and move toward happiness anyway." But, I still allow the fear to paralyze that part of my life.

What exactly do you fear?

[Meili]

Moving out of my comfort zone before I'm prepared to is the heart of things.

Change only occurs when the pain of where you're at is greater than the fear of where you are going.

There isn't much pain in where I'm at. My life is pretty comfortable. Unhappiness is so familiar to me that I barely recognize it.

My T has put it that I only take action when needed, rather than when wanted. Examining my past relationships, I only terminated them when I felt that it was absolutely necessary. Otherwise I stayed in them even when I wanted out.

[drained1996]

Unhappiness is so familiar to me that I barely recognize it.

I think many of us have felt very similar in our own circumstances.  Yet you do recognize this particular unhappiness.  You deserve to be happy.  So how do you see yourself going from comfortable with some degree of unhappiness to a more full and healthy happiness?