Adult son moved out

[Parents! Get help here!]

 

Sorry I’ve been absent, I’ll try and pop in when I can.

I just wanted to update those of you who know my story and to share with those that don’t.

My DS26 moved out on Saturday. I had mixed feelings that came as a surprise!

All calmly done, DS excited about this step and he organised himself well. He sorted his clothes, bagged up unwanted items, packed, de-personalised his room. Set aside his whole day but then found problems and pressures and he breezed through them. .

I remember back to the day when he personalised it by putting up photos on the wall; childhood photos that he could never look at because he had such bad memories. That day was a big leap and evidence that he was feeling our love. I felt proud of his achievements since he came back home at 24 and to be honest mine too.

I pushed my DS to move out - but nicely. It took a few gentle nudges and I was ready to step in to organise a new place for him. We’d found a beautiful refurbished studio flat not far away and I was hoping to secure 6 months lease and us helping him financially as a half-way situation to get him settled and happy. It was perfect but he wouldn’t consider it because he says he can’t live alone.

He found himself a place and from experience I know that this is best. We have to paddle our own canoe and he’s no different. He’s chosen to live on the same lane as us, he’s moved into a converted garage that’s owned by a friend’s mum. The rent is high for what he gets: room, access to facilities and food. There’s emotion in his decision as he knows she’s struggling to financially manage.

Now this situation is not ideal. This mum sleeps erratically, smokes weed and doesn’t cook. She was pushing him to move in but hadn’t even prepared the room. The room stinks, really bad. My DS had to clear his new room out before moving in. Monday and there was no food to make sandwiches for work. I’ve said nothing. Yes I feel guilty and wonder if I should have been more patient; maybe he’d have decided to move out himself when the time is right. But I know deep in my heart that he isn’t motivated himself.

As bleak as this is, there are positives. He’s close by, he’ll be forced to raise his game as far as financial management skills, he’ll learn to plan food and eating, he can have a period of courtship with his girlfriend (how she stands it in there I’ll neber know). He’ll have the freedom to smoke cigs and weed to his hearts content. This living arrangement will most probably fail but he’ll learn. If it doesn’t fail then there will be a point that he has to move out because the mum is divorcing. Also, since all this has happened I can see a change in him, he’s got plans to go away, he’s socialising more (like going out for meals and to the shopping centre) - he’s doing more normal things. He sorted out a noise on his car. My adult son is growing up slowly. He’s happy, for now.

Our house feels better already. For somebody that was hardly here I can’t quite believe how his presence was felt just in his personal stuff and the way he lives his life.

Is there a happy ending?  I read this a lot in the forum and I sigh. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been there so I know how it feels. I’ve moved on emotionally and I get a loss less upset.

Here’s what I think

There’s no winning
There’s no losing
It’s a situation that does go on and on and on
We have to wise up and toughen up
We have to live our own lives, let them live theirs

The skills and information  I need are here on this forum. If you’re new to this please start on the top right hand side of this page.

Me and my family have come a long way.

Good luck and stay strong

LP

[Lollypop]

 

Sorry I’ve been absent, I’ll try and pop in when I can.

I just wanted to update those of you who know my story and to share with those that don’t.

My DS26 moved out on Saturday. I had mixed feelings that came as a surprise!

All calmly done, DS excited about this step and he organised himself well. He sorted his clothes, bagged up unwanted items, packed, de-personalised his room. Set aside his whole day but then found problems and pressures and he breezed through them. .

I remember back to the day when he personalised it by putting up photos on the wall; childhood photos that he could never look at because he had such bad memories. That day was a big leap and evidence that he was feeling our love. I felt proud of his achievements since he came back home at 24 and to be honest mine too.

I pushed my DS to move out - but nicely. It took a few gentle nudges and I was ready to step in to organise a new place for him. We’d found a beautiful refurbished studio flat not far away and I was hoping to secure 6 months lease and us helping him financially as a half-way situation to get him settled and happy. It was perfect but he wouldn’t consider it because he says he can’t live alone.

He found himself a place and from experience I know that this is best. We have to paddle our own canoe and he’s no different. He’s chosen to live on the same lane as us, he’s moved into a converted garage that’s owned by a friend’s mum. The rent is high for what he gets: room, access to facilities and food. There’s emotion in his decision as he knows she’s struggling to financially manage.

Now this situation is not ideal. This mum sleeps erratically, smokes weed and doesn’t cook. She was pushing him to move in but hadn’t even prepared the room. The room stinks, really bad. My DS had to clear his new room out before moving in. Monday and there was no food to make sandwiches for work. I’ve said nothing. Yes I feel guilty and wonder if I should have been more patient; maybe he’d have decided to move out himself when the time is right. But I know deep in my heart that he isn’t motivated himself.

As bleak as this is, there are positives. He’s close by, he’ll be forced to raise his game as far as financial management skills, he’ll learn to plan food and eating, he can have a period of courtship with his girlfriend (how she stands it in there I’ll neber know). He’ll have the freedom to smoke cigs and weed to his hearts content. This living arrangement will most probably fail but he’ll learn. If it doesn’t fail then there will be a point that he has to move out because the mum is divorcing. Also, since all this has happened I can see a change in him, he’s got plans to go away, he’s socialising more (like going out for meals and to the shopping centre) - he’s doing more normal things. He sorted out a noise on his car. My adult son is growing up slowly. He’s happy, for now.

Our house feels better already. For somebody that was hardly here I can’t quite believe how his presence was felt just in his personal stuff and the way he lives his life.

Is there a happy ending?  I read this a lot in the forum and I sigh. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been there so I know how it feels. I’ve moved on emotionally and I get a loss less upset.

Here’s what I think

There’s no winning
There’s no losing
It’s a situation that does go on and on and on
We have to wise up and toughen up
We have to live our own lives, let them live theirs

The skills and information  I need are here on this forum. If you’re new to this please start on the top right hand side of this page.

Me and my family have come a long way.

Good luck and stay strong

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Lollypop!

You left the "airwaves" for a while and, in my concern, I sent you a private message... .to check up and make sure you were okay.  I thank you for your reply.  You are doing well... .hanging in there... .getting on with life.

Your absence gave me food for thought... .that we are indeed a "family" of sorts on this forum... .all of us in the same boat on rocky seas.  The ones who have their life jackets on are helping those who are struggling to find theirs.

As you have been on this emotional roller coaster with your son, you have written some pretty raw, explicit posts.  You wrote from your heart... .a Mom's heart.  I'm sure you hit many-a-nerve on this forum.  You hit mine.

Years ago, before our problems started, I would have steered clear of a family like yours.  Of course, it had all to do with upbringing... .results of the mistakes the parents had made.  On the other hand, my husband and I were doing all the right things and we were programming/grooming our young children to become more stalwart members of society.  Then reality hit. 

Because of the job I held, I was a very visible part of this small community that we live in.  The shock... .and shame... .of becoming one of "those" parents of one of "those" children shook my world.  No one in our circle of friends... .our family... .could relate to what was happening to us.  Who could we turn to?

One day, after months of jaw-dropping, unbelievably bad behaviour of our daughter, the school counsellor phoned to say she was inviting my husband and I to a meeting with other parents who were experiencing similar difficulties.  The intention was to set up a parent support group called "Tough Love."  This was in the 80's and chapters of this group were springing up all around the world.

Well, many stories I could tell from that period of time we spent in the group... .good/bad... .but I will never forget how elated I was the night I came home from that first meeting.  For the first time in a long time I felt relief.  I had been in a room full of similar hurting, shamed parents.  Some of these parents I actually knew and I had no idea what had been going on in their families.

I have to say now that I felt the same kind of elation when I hit upon this forum.  I would read posts and wonder if they had been written by... .ME.  Who knew there were still others out there walking in my shoes and who were willing to share their ups/downs... .their defeats/successes.

As with you, Lollypop, I had to learn to start making changes.  I went into some pretty dark places as I played the role of victim for way too long.  I'm 74... .more years behind me than ahead.  So... .it is sink under pressure... .or swim with the tide.  It is with constant awareness each day that I work to swim with the tide... .in all aspects of my life. 

With that said, the daughter I have had to distance myself from is always in my heart and hopefully we will have a healthy relationship sometime in the future... .but... .I will just continue to let life happen... .and it makes me feel better.

[Kwamina]

Hi Lollypop,

My parrot sense already told me something was up so thanks for this update

There is indeed no winning or losing, no right or wrong, when dealing with our BPD loves ones. Life just is, once we know better we can do better and it's a lifelong process of making adjustments, learning new things, then applying them all the while still learning how to navigate the many storms. You do your best and focus on the things you can do, that's all you can do.

I hope your whole family will find more peace and that things will go well with your son

The Board Parrot

[incadove]

Hi Lollypop - really happy for you, and your DS!  I know its not perfect but just how it happened, the process, sounds like such a great step forward.  Its not the ups and downs but how you handle them - and if he is handling this difficult step well that speaks volumes.  I'm at work so just a short note but I wanted to also thank you for sharing so much of your life here and for all the support and excellent advice!

Now onwards... .mine are also in pretty good places right now, one I'm a little worried but I think she is going to head in the right direction on her own, and in any case both my dd's are being kind and responsible with regard to others, and taking responsibility for own emotions, which is huge.  So I'm thankful too.

 

[Feeling Better]

Hi Lollypop

I just want to congratulate you on achieving your goal, you must be feeling very proud of your son and of course yourself too. I’ve followed some of your story and know how hard it’s been for you but you hung in there. I have not been on here that long but I feel inspired and motivated, as I’m sure many others on this site do, by reading your posts. So I want to thank you for that.

And so a new chapter begins... .

[Lollypop]

Hi everybody

Yes, we are a kind of a family - especially for those of us who have nobody else to turn to or anybody that truly understands.

We are under so much stress at times, we may not behave or think very rationally but there’s always an ear and a shoulder on this forum.

When I reached the point of acceptance that my DS does not want treatment, wants to continue his skunk and, importantly, blames us for his behaviour I was left with nowhere else to go. What I mean is that there’s nothing more I can do. I felt angry and I found I couldn’t validate anybody at all. I was feeling “what’s the point?”.

I’m in a better headspace now. The tools and skills I’ve learnt here have helped me in all areas of my life. I’m so grateful to this forum,

I repeat, do the learning and practice validation skills. Build up a life for yourself, one where that child of yours isn’t the centre of everything that you do. Demonstrate to them how to have healthy relationships and that includes the relationship you have with yourself. Honestly, my family is so much happier together since I’ve taken better care of myself, spending time doing things that I love doing that doesn’t include them. Balance.

The other thing for me is a small thing but huge for me and that’s my need to feel that I’m loved. Feeling loved is part of my happiness. My DS isn’t thoughtful and so I don’t get a birthday or mother’s day card. If I ask for him to help me, say a heavy job that I just can’t do, he’ll avoid or find an excuse... If I Push it makes things worse, I’m accused of making him feel guilty. It’s a to and fro of emotions. The way I’ve handled this is by having no expectations. If it’s one thing I would want to change in my DS it’s this - quite honestly, truly, I don’t believe he loves us because there’s no evidence of it. It’s so very sad but it can’t be changed.

Sorry for the randomness of the post. It’s been awhile since I’ve opened up.

Thanks for reading

LP

[wendydarling]

Oh LP mate,  I’m deeply touched by your post, who’d have believed the amazing changes you and your DS have achieved over the last two years here, the young non communicative adult  stuck in his bedroom in gloom Xmas 2015, unable to function on any level. Since then, you’ve often said in your posts ‘we are doing our best’ and you have, you have worked SO hard and consistently, finessing the tools and lessons here, working out what works and what does not, with many a good old ‘re-do’ and we have seen your DS respond with those tiny, though significant great break through moments we register here, that give us the hope we need, they add up don’t they? I remember the frustration you felt by DS calling on you at one point in the mornings from work, with problems overwhelming him, helping him work out how to solve his problems himself. You’ve gifted him confidence LP through supporting him, teaching him how through the tools here – (gently leaning on him) to take on his responsibilities, to solve his problems while understanding and importantly respecting his personal limitations, compassionately and without judgement. It takes time, small steps and determination, as parent’s we do not give up, we recognise our situations are unique and work with that.

Next chapter for you as Feeling Better says. I’m also on my next chapter too LP, 12 months since 29DD spent Nov month recovering in the women’s crisis home as her DBT therapist suggested she do in the August as she was struggling. No hospitalisations in 2017 -  , 14 months DBT completed end of August, DD gave up work December 16 to concentrate on managing her BPD through DBT, she’s done so well, she is leading her recovery from the degree burns of this disorder.

Onwards we all go together here on the parent’s board LP.

Thank you LP for supporting me these last two years and sharing our hope together during really tough times.

Just seen your latest post since I have written mine off line, so following you now. Yes we do need to feel loved, hang in there LP - keep going, you've shown your love for your DS through working on your core relationship. Give it time and work on it LP, what may that look like to you? My DD is now saying what's most important to her is to help those suffering BPD, she is doing on twitter AND recognise her family, friends who have supported her through the very worst of her times. She's validating me   While DS is not in treatment, my DD learnt validation through DBT, perhaps teaching him empathy and validation, is the next step to help him express his his love?  Our DBT lessons to the right, again  

I think we may be on alter, our next steps to achieve the others perhaps? Feels like that to me.

WDx  

[wendydarling]

LP, just watched 'Trust me I'm a Dr', BBC 2 Michael Mosley, programme dedicated to mental health. Also Louis Theroux's recent programme talking to anorexia was important, humane... .

They understand 

[Lollypop]

Thanks everybody.

Early positive signs that DS is getting used to a new normal in new territory. He’s happy, eating big meals and not buying junk food because he has to watch his pennies to pay his rent. For him, psychologically, eating healthy improves his mindset. It’s one way that he FEELS he’s taking care of himself. Just one positive example of living independently but having his food prepared as part of his arrangement. I just need to get my house key back before he loses it in the new pit!

“It takes time, small steps and determination,”

Thanks WD.  I wish I could capitalise this and repeat again and again for others to see.  There are no quick fixes, it comes from focussing on the relationship as the core - particularly if therapy isn’t an option or is pursued.

Onwards we all go. Parents and children!

I’ve a spring in my step today.

LP



 

[wendydarling]

Hi there LP

Well I think you are capitalising by sharing your learning and the changes you've made, you've documented your journey all 808 posts so far ...  

It's early days, are you feeling any rest bite?

WDx