BPDw heading towards the bottom - let her be?

[anchor]

Hi all,
I just feel a need to share my situation and hopefully have some thoughts from others on how to deal with the fact that I fear my wife is gradually heading towards the bottom.

She is in denial of BPD. We have two kids, 4 and 1,5 years old, and so for the last 5 years or so she has been able to focus on, be busy with and explain difficulties by being pregnant or taking care of babies. There is no way we will have a third one as long as we have current difficulties.

Our youngest started kindergarten in August, she was really looking forward to finally having time for herself, but of course it doesn't make her any happier. She is from another country with another language and although she is very charismatic and there are lots of people she could see (and occasionally she does), she is quite isolated. Her mother (living abroad) and I have an excellent connection, she is the "lightning rod" that I call on when there is a crisis - they talk on skype so she can just hang up if things escalate. And she sets limits when my wife gets into her "totalitarian" mood (my mother-in-law is clear that she will not speaking to her again if my wife doesn't accept differing opinions - e.g. about zoos/meat-eating/younger sister living on her own, or what have you). My only "limits" is protecting our kids (especially the elder one) when my wife abuses them verbally and gets physically threatening, then I just take the kids and walk off to another room. I don't know if that counts as a limit though... .The problem is that I am not ready to follow through an ultimatum where there would be real consequences for her - it would quickly boil down to divorce and I certainly don't believe that would make things better. My wife is in general a great mother and I love her.

I know I can't change her/make her seek help, and so my sense is that the gradual down-turn she is in, is something I should not try to oppose. Of course I should give her all the love and validation I can, but not problematise the fact that she stays awake until very late night, indulging in lots of comfort food, watching online videos for hours and not seriously trying to find a job - as long as she brings kids to kindergarten in the morning and fetches them in the afternoon, contributes reasonably to make the household work and as long as she is ready to reduce spending to live off my salary.

To the extent I have a question, it is more of a pre-emptive one: If/when she hits a real emotional bottom, I fear things can get awful, that she will be even more of a turtle hiding in her shell, refusing to speak for even longer, etc. Does anyone have any advice? Or does it boil down to two outcomes when you reach rock bottom: Either she decides she needs help, or I hit a bottom and give her an ultimatum (e.g. at the very least do couple therapy, which I have tried repeatedly to suggest, triggering just anger).

If any of this rings a bell, it would be great to hear others' stories!

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[pearlsw]

Hi anchor,

Welcome to the family!

I wish I had more personally to share that could relate. I'm in the role of the foreign wife and my h has BPD traits. He is more of a black and white person. He is not so much one that complains and criticizes. He is either totally on or totally off.

Your story sounds similar to many members here, so hopefully someone will be by with more insights!

In the meantime, since you are new to the site, I'd like simply recommend all the lessons to the right of the board - especially things on validation - how to do it and not. I must admit I didn't engage the lessons as much when I first showed up here and spent more time on the boards just "looking for people like me." Well, I found them! But it also helps to study and learn to use the tools here so please stick around and asking questions and sharing your experiences!

Take care!

[RolandOfEld]

Hi anchor, our situations are very very similar. We have two kids (4 and 1.11), we live in her country and are of different races, and my wife has been stay at home mom for about 3 years. She has never been very happy with that situation as has not yet been able to get a new job in her field, which is extremely competitive here. She has also been on a negative downturn for the past few months, with more outbursts and alcohol binges and violence towards the children. When this is not happening, she is a great mother and I love her.

Since it came out that she has BPD (she self diagnosed), it feels like the spiraling and family chaos have accelerated.  I'm sure this has a lot to do with me creating a little distance to take care of myself and also starting to say no to irrational demands. At first I nearly gave up my sanity to try and save her from a situation I have very very little power over but I stopped believing I could. I also expect it to get much worse before it gets better and am to some degree letting her illness take her where it will.

I was also facing the question of an ultimatum, but as you will read in the materials here, forcing them into therapy seems to do little good. Rather, we can focus on improving ourselves, our co-dependent or enabling issues that helped to create the situation, and develop our ability to communicate with our loved ones. All with the goal of them hopefully getting themselves help in the end. 

The resources in the skills section here are fantastic: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106134.0   

Hope this is of some help.