Finding closure difficult.

[Steach]

I had been in a relationship with a BPD male for most of this year. He didn't tell me about his BPD until well into the relationship. Everything progressed very quickly, he moved in, I met his son, he was in my entire life. Although, I was never in his as he had cut off most of the people in his life as he said they were awful to him. I'm quite a maternal and positive person and (as I just read in a post) this was obviously a perfect match as he was broken and I wanted to look after him. I took him in, soothed him and ignored the signs when I knew his behaviour wasn't right. His mood swings slowly began to become more frequerent until a point where he would start "splitting" often- where I would be the cause of his bad mood etc. He would frequently leave the bed saying that I had said something awful. He began saying he couldn't sleep when I was there so I would sleep in the spare room. Intially he was eager to meet my friends and family and did, but as soon as his moods were developing he retreated from any social occasions and I would worry if he did attend what he would do/say. I began staying at my parents more frequently to allow him a "place to be sad"- and when I would arrive home I would feel unwelcome. There were hundreds of awful days and I became so used to being sad and then starting fresh with him that I feel conditioned. He would say awful things in a rage and appear back after 20 minutes on the doorstep claiming I was the best thing in his life and he loved me more than anything. We have been breaking up for 2 months and it has been messy. Back and forth, phonecalls, sad texts, him on my doorstep at 1am. And then he would end it- I couldn't understand why I allowed myself and tried to reconcile over and over again- until I read this article. When we broke up the first time my overwhelming thought was that I couldn't believe that someone who relied on me so much didn't need me anymore. Even though I was miserable suring the relationship (those memories fade and the ones of weakness/love always prevail). He messaged 2 days ago and asked for me to go over to his house- and when I was at his door i recieved a message saying he felt weird about asking me over. He let me in and we hugged in bed- he said he felt better as it was "human contact"- it ended in a teary and hostile argument where he told me the whole time he had been thinking about his ex girlfriend and that "you loved me so much it scared me away- you were controlling and in your next relationship don't try so hard."He also confirmed that that evening he hadn't wanted 'me' to go around- he just wanted a human.
I feel like I was in a make believe relationship- that i've wasted this year on something that wasn't real. I feel damaged, heart broken and that I was a 'happy plaster' that he thought would make him happy- but as time went on- he made me sad to the point where he left. That night he informed me that he would be blocking me for a while but he'd still like to be friends. He stood and opened his door. I left. I have been offering myself up for punishment and selfish bahviour. I feel like a loyal dog that goes back time and time again. I know that now is the end. I'm weepy and hurt- butI'll be okay- it's time. I just don't know how to protect myself in the future- I'm scared that I will attract people with BPD as they think I can make them happy. I feel like damaged goods.
I had an ephiphany last night that I didnt at the time- he said I was controlling and not loving him from the beginning- but actually he was such a mess that I gave him somewhere to live, picked him up, washed his clothes - it wasn't control- I was being his Mother. (who he hates and blames for his BPD).
He has had 3 relationships in a row and they have all ended similarly- and I know he will be in another shortly. I just feel that I'm the one who has to do all the work now. I have to fix myself, fill the hole he created and have the issues that hes caused.
I'm just very upset that it all happpened.

[OLR1986]

First I am so sorry for what you have been through, myself and many others have been exactly where you are standing now. I know that does not necessarily give you comfort, just know that you have a place to vent and speak of your situation.

I have been there, most recently three months ago. Scarily, my situation is very similar to yours. I can say that you have a rough road ahead, and I am sure you already know that. Its important for you to seek help, therapy and find people around you to support you. Trust that time will assist and help, the more time you give it the stronger and more knowledgable you will be.

Closure with an ex that suffers from BPD seems hard to come by... I personally didn't find an ounce of it, even when she saw how painful and harmful her actions were. I found some closure in knowing that you have to count on the symptoms and fallout of the illness as opposed to the person you wish would give you closure. For instance, now I know that I was not to blame, sure we have to take credit for our 50% but more often then not this isn't about you...

They move on so fast, without really skipping a beat. That you know already, he will move on and it will hurt, there may be a time where his new relationship will not work out... You have to deiced now if you are going to start making the steps to close that door once and for all, its very probable that he will come back and try to recycle.

You mentioned that you have a fear of attracting people with BPD, you also have to give yourself credit for being such an open and loving person. I think as time goes by and you recover you will learn how to keep a light guard, really see what people bring to the table and then introduce this amazing quality that you have.

You are not alone, and again I hope you find some peace as you recover from this loss.

[Ceruleanblue]

So much of what you said is just so sadly typical. They glom onto us, then later rewrite history, thereby blaming us for all their feelings and trying to make us feel like all of it was our fault. Don't buy into it.

I too got used for things after I left my BPDxH. Mainly sex, but certainly at times still a way to unleash his ugliness and anger. I did this long after I knew I was just a tool or commodity for him, sadly. I guess because I loved him and was onto his game. I saw it for what it was. I couldn't really expect him to be different, because he'd shown me for years that he was content to be the abusive person he was.

You sound strong, and like you know you'll get through this. Hugs to you.

[Maya60]

Your story sounds like exactly the same as mine.
I always thought I could help help him, he separated with his ex after 9 years and they have two young kids. I thought I could take away his sadness and built a new life with him.
After a year of living he starting becoming more and more jealous, picking fight with me. Actually a load of the classic BPD symptoms. I should have seen the signs earlier... .but I was so much in love.

Especially the part you mention about social contacts. I also wanted him to meet my friends and family. But he only likes 2 of my friends. To others, he doesn't really talk, doesn't ask a question to get to know someone else. In the beginning he even picked a fight after drinking to much at a friends party.
So later on I just went everywhere alone, since I couldn't predict how he would react (meaning I'd feel awkward).

I broke up with him last week. And now he keeps overwhelming me with messages. Wanting me back.
But too much damage has been done. he does not want me back, he wants the relationship back. Not me as a person... .
He wrote me a sensitive email yesterday. And everything is about his feelings and about us together... .not about how he misses me as the person who I am. 

[Steach]

I broke up with him last week. And now he keeps overwhelming me with messages. Wanting me back.
But too much damage has been done. he does not want me back, he wants the relationship back. Not me as a person... .
He wrote me a sensitive email yesterday. And everything is about his feelings and about us together... .not about how he misses me as the person who I am. 
[/quote]

Thank you for your message.
It never ever really is about us. Always about their feelings, needs, fears... .
I was the most amazing person he met and then I would be somebody who controlled his life.
They have such an obsession with themselves that it is hard to break through. I would watch him in social situations not asking people how they were- or going off on a tangent. He then slowly began to completely switch off and would regularly just sit at my parents' house with his eyes closed. 
They are the most charismatic and frightening people because of their ability to flip. A late night or a pizza would send him off into a world of doom and I would be the person to blame.
It's extremely hard not to jump at those chances they offer in reconciliation- the 'idealisation stage' haunts me- but it was temporary and it was at the beginning. Be strong. We shouldn't allow ourselves to be open to selfish behaviour.

[Steach]

So much of what you said is just so sadly typical. They glom onto us, then later rewrite history, thereby blaming us for all their feelings and trying to make us feel like all of it was our fault. Don't buy into it.

I too got used for things after I left my BPDxH. Mainly sex, but certainly at times still a way to unleash his ugliness and anger. I did this long after I knew I was just a tool or commodity for him, sadly. I guess because I loved him and was onto his game. I saw it for what it was. I couldn't really expect him to be different, because he'd shown me for years that he was content to be the abusive person he was.

You sound strong, and like you know you'll get through this. Hugs to you.

Hugs to you too. Crazy how we allow it to happen to ourselves- at one point I would be grateful and so happy to receive even a short and stern message from him. If any of my friends would say that to me I would be appalled. I would demand "How could you disrespect yourself so much?" "How can you want someone like that?"- It's bizarre and so so sad.
We are better off.

[Steach]

First I am so sorry for what you have been through, myself and many others have been exactly where you are standing now. I know that does not necessarily give you comfort, just know that you have a place to vent and speak of your situation.

I have been there, most recently three months ago. Scarily, my situation is very similar to yours. I can say that you have a rough road ahead, and I am sure you already know that. Its important for you to seek help, therapy and find people around you to support you. Trust that time will assist and help, the more time you give it the stronger and more knowledgable you will be.

Closure with an ex that suffers from BPD seems hard to come by... I personally didn't find an ounce of it, even when she saw how painful and harmful her actions were. I found some closure in knowing that you have to count on the symptoms and fallout of the illness as opposed to the person you wish would give you closure. For instance, now I know that I was not to blame, sure we have to take credit for our 50% but more often then not this isn't about you...

They move on so fast, without really skipping a beat. That you know already, he will move on and it will hurt, there may be a time where his new relationship will not work out... You have to deiced now if you are going to start making the steps to close that door once and for all, its very probable that he will come back and try to recycle.

You mentioned that you have a fear of attracting people with BPD, you also have to give yourself credit for being such an open and loving person. I think as time goes by and you recover you will learn how to keep a light guard, really see what people bring to the table and then introduce this amazing quality that you have.

You are not alone, and again I hope you find some peace as you recover from this loss.

Thank you for the message. It really is typical - as soon as I found out about his BPD I began to research and was horrified. That this person would be capable of such things. I couldn't (didn't) believe it. Until he was.
"For BPD, distance makes the heart grow colder"- is what I am clinging dearly too. I feel that NC will transform me as it has been 2 months of hell, upset and sleepless nights.
So strange that the reason he fell for me was my openess, positivity and humour. And that is what he has stripped me of.
Once again,thank you for that message- it helps knowing I am sane and not 'making this up'.

[CloseToFreedom]

Thank you for the message. It really is typical - as soon as I found out about his BPD I began to research and was horrified. That this person would be capable of such things. I couldn't (didn't) believe it. Until he was.
"For BPD, distance makes the heart grow colder"- is what I am clinging dearly too. I feel that NC will transform me as it has been 2 months of hell, upset and sleepless nights.
So strange that the reason he fell for me was my openess, positivity and humour. And that is what he has stripped me of.
Once again,thank you for that message- it helps knowing I am sane and not 'making this up'.

Its normal to feel insane. After countless recycles and being dumped all the time I still ruminate on if it was all on me. The fact that you are questioning yourself makes you normal - unlike our exes that seem to continue life like its the greatest thing ever. We will get there eventually. But we must process all the hurt first. Thats a normal way of doing things.

[Maya60]

So strange that the reason he fell for me was my openess, positivity and humour. And that is what he has stripped me of.
Once again,thank you for that message- it helps knowing I am sane and not 'making this up'.

This exactly is what makes me angry and sad! He also made me a more insecure person. First he liked me because of the reasons you just mentioned, but after a year he was fighting and disrespecting that part of me.
I doubted myself so often. But now I see he did not want me to be myself. Only the version he thinks he loves.