My Wife has BPD. I'm the depressed husband and father at the end of his rope...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Ive been married to my Wife who suffers with BPD for 8 years. I feel my depression made it worse and we are at the absolute worse time in our marriage. I just want peace for my family. I want my best friend back.

[Ra Set]

Ive been married to my Wife who suffers with BPD for 8 years. I feel my depression made it worse and we are at the absolute worse time in our marriage. I just want peace for my family. I want my best friend back.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[wendydarling]

Hello Ra Set

Welcome to bpdfamily   I'm glad you've reached out to us for support, members here understand what you are dealing with, you are not alone. Yes we want our loved one's back, our mission is to preserve the family, we care.

Are you seeking support for your depression? My 29DD suffers too and has done well in managing it with support.

What behaviours are you dealing with you wife? How many children are you caring for?

Glad you're here with us.  

WDx

[Ra Set]

Yes, I'm here for my depression and also how to support my wife at the same time. We have 3 kids. 9, 7, and 1 1/2. I just found out she cheated. Even though I KNOW it's the BPD, it doesn't hurt any less. I've had a suicide attempt about 3-4 years ago and have been having strong feelings lately. My kids keep me here.

[Turkish]

I knew the kids' mom was diagnosed with depression,  and she told me that she refused what I think were SSRIs. I never knew of she shared with her T about her anger.  That was 6 years ago.  A year ago I found out she was also diagnosed with anxiety (this was a "duh" moment for me).

When she cheated on me,  her justifications were,  "but my parents!" (Dad a serial cheater). And she also blamed it on what she termed her "sickness" an unnamed "I think I may have an attachment disorder."

Did this help me? A tiny bit,  but not really.  The behaviors (her choices) hurt, and they hurt badly,  especially with kids in the mix (then D1... .a baby, and S3, neglected by her at the time). It felt to me like a knife though my heart... .they say where your love is your heart is also,  so it was a knife though my love,  despite my previous frustrations with her. 

Did you confront her? Are the kids aware of anything?

Turkish

[evanescent]

Ra Set, as much as you want your best friend back, an understanding that the person you want back may never have really fully existed the way you perceived her is necessary. Many parts of her do for sure, but the parts she chose to conceal until she couldn't do it any longer are also part of your best friend. This is not 'lost cause' thinking so much as accepting that there was always something more to her than you were initially allowed to see, and with the intent of staying together, you are now faced with having to choose whether to accept and address the bad behavior in non-personal ways, or to allow her chaos to bleed over into your own sense of self.

I spent fourteen years practicing the art of gray-rocking with my uBPDw. It seems contrary to supporting her to gray rock, however it does not have to be an all or nothing tool. More simply, it is being non-reactive (or at least minimally) to rages, and affording time and space for the BP to process their thoughts and behavior.

My wife admitted more than one affair to me along the way as well. They were same sex minor flings with people I knew she had history with, but I knew that they were reclamations of the past, not an effort toward a different future, so I never felt threatened by them. (Not sure how I would have felt if there were males involved without history though.)

Regardless, your children are one of the best reasons to push forward.

As a survivor to my wife's suicide, I can tell you that the ones left behind who love you will NEVER understand why. They will always have doubts, guilt, depression, and even anger over it. Sure, those feelings will subside with time, but they will always be there. 3+ weeks out from it (sure, that's not very long), I find myself regularly battling the 'what-ifs' of my own situation, logically knowing that none of that would have mattered, but still playing that twisted game in my head that perhaps there was something I could have done to prevent it.

[Turkish]

How are you doing Ra Set?