Tired of being blamed

[GreenSea]

I’m a new father, working hard to be a good husband, father, friend, brother, son, coworker and member of a community.  The BPD in my life makes the good thingsin life hard and Ive searched for ways to get through but I’m getting tired of taking the blame for her unhappiness.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[wendydarling]

Hello GreenSea

Welcome to bpdfamily.    Becoming a new parent is hard isn't it, a life changing time, you are doing your best, members here understand what you are dealing with.

Can you share with us how your partner is blaming you for her unhappiness, makes the good things in life hard, what behaviours you are dealing with? How do you respond?

You are not alone, I'm glad you reached out for support, there is a way forwards GS

WDx

[pearlsw]

Hi GreenSea,

Welcome to the family!

Congratulations on being a new father! I know how hard it is to hear blame from our partners. That is very painful especially when you are giving so much as a husband, father, brother, son, coworker and community member. You are doing a lot! These kinds of relationships can certainly be draining. Are you doing any self-care?

Sorry to hear of the troubles that brought you here, but glad to have you with us!

[Lakebreeze]

Welcome! And I'm so sorry to hear about the struggles that bring you here. My husband is undiagnosed BPD. I can relate to how difficult it is to be a new parent with a BPD spouse. It's miserable.
I'll just say what I wish someone had said to me when our daughter was a baby ( and I had no idea what BPD was).
1)All the blame you are taking for everything. It's a lie. You are not the cause of her unhappiness. You can't make her happy. Let go of the idea that you can make her happy. Don't let her emotions mess with the way you feel. You decide your emotions.
2) Don't let her comments, or moods or rages change who you want to be and who you are... .especially right now as a new dad. Celebrate your role. You are doing a great job. That baby is SO lucky to have you. Give that baby a chance to meet the real you.
Come back here for support, or a sympathetic ear or whatever you need. We are here. So many of us have been there too.
All the best!
Lakebreeze

[Frankee]

I’m getting tired of taking the blame for her unhappiness.

Congratulations first off on becoming a new father.  My kids are the main reason that I can find the strength to keep moving forward.   

Previous comments are right.  All the blame you are taking for everything. It's a lie. You are not the cause of her unhappiness. You can't make her happy. Let go of the idea that you can make her happy. Don't let her emotions mess with the way you feel. You decide your emotions. 

I had this exact fight this morning with my BPH.  He got angry at me, saying that he's been telling me for a long time that he's unhappy.  It's because I keep messing up.  I can't do anything right.  I'm selfish because I'm only concerned with my happiness.  Telling me that I will never change and if I get a call from the cops saying my husband blew his head off by the beach, maybe then I will care enough to change.  They are going to put it all on others.  You are not responsible for her emotions or happiness. 

She is battling her own issues in her head and from what I see with my H, he wants me to feel his pain.  He wants to either drag me down to his level or heightened the emotions to a point where I end up blowing up.  This push/pull is hard at time to find a middle ground.

The mother may have her times where she may be crippled by her rages or moods.  It's going to test your will and sanity.  She may call you selfish, but make sure you self care.  Take time for yourself, even if it's 10 minutes to step outside for some fresh air.  It's going to be a hard road with a new baby and the BPD is your life, but I believe you have the strength to make your way through.  Your child will give your strength you never knew you had.

[GreenSea]

Thank you all for your warm welcome - It's really appreciated

I wanted to give some background and also a current issue that I faced today.

The first is BPD.  I'm really conflicted about BPD because I've come to a subjective diagnosis/opinion that my wife is a BP.  This is not seated in years of professional experience in psycho analysis or even an undergraduate degree in psychology. I made this "diagnosis" on my own with initial influence from a family member.  I should make it clear that the family member that brought BPD to my attention does not get along with my wife and received this diagnosis through a friend of their’s who is a professional mental health professional but never interacts with my wife.  I also understand that this is a hard condition to deal with because it does not seem to be widely acknowledged as something that members of the professional medical fields like to work with. 
I have read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and really truly felt like someone was talking to me.  It was scary how my experiences were published in the written word.  I felt like the author knew and was explaining exactly how I felt and what I was experiencing. 
So my concern and doubt is that I am making a professional diagnosis and yet I am untrained, biased and the direct "adversary" of the so called "BP".  I've reflected on this tirelessly wondering -" what’s to say that I'm not the BP"?  I come back to what is mentioned in the book and on this website which leads me to believe that I'm correct in my thoughts but it’s hard.  I feel like I am really trying to be extremely self-aware in this “diagnosis” and generally in the relationship with my wife.  I feel I'm being open to try and understand why she has certain feelings and beliefs yet it’s extremely hard not to blame myself. There is the part of me that feels responsible for everything and I get mad at myself because I’m starting to believe her or feel like I should be "fixing" things.
Here is a list of items that I believe shows signs of BPD:
1.   I feel like she’s always walking a fine line between unhappiness and complete full blown emotional outbursts.  It’s rarely an occurrence where things can be said without some time of disagreement or disappointment.
2.   Blame and the Zero sum game. Everything always needs to find someone to blame.  In anything she’s upset with it constantly needs to be blamed on someone, there is no middle ground or rationally trying to explore motivations for actions of other people.  For example, My wife was out of work for a year during the birth and first 9 months of his life.  I saved money to try and accommodate for us to be able to live normally and have her not work.  She’s a school teacher, which is a very stressful and difficult job, which I understand.  She went back to work and is basically holding my responsible for her unhappiness.  Ive made it clear to her that we have options: we can change our lifestyle and live in a more affordable house or she can work on finding another job.  At the end of the day these things don’t matter and I’ve been the sole owner of her terrible life.
3.   Everything is absolute, she constantly uses phrases like “ I have never been mistreated like that before, never in my life”, “Your mother will never be left alone with our child”, “ I would never treat anyone the way you treat me”, “I am 100% done with this marriage”, “My life sucks and I just have to accept that I will be miserable for the rest of my life and you will control me and make all the decisions” we can never work through a conflict or issue with an open minded view.  Even if it is the same opinion as hers there is no ability to sit back and recognize another point of view.
4.   Interpersonal relationships, she doesn’t have many close friends from her past.  She’s constantly telling me how bad this person was and putting blame on them.  The people she does remain friends with there are constant fights and catty talk.  She really enjoyed being with my parents before we were married, we spent a lot of time at their house stayed over as they were a few hours away from us.  Now that we are married and have a child she has this terrible view and contentions relationship with them.  It’s like she needs to control everything when it comes to our interactions if not then she perceives that someone is scheming against her.  The unfortunate part is that they are starting to “scheme” of other ways to have a relationship with my child because they feel that they never can communicate with my wife.
5.   She is so in fear of how others view her that it consumes her actions.  She is in constant fear of not being absolutely perfect with her job that she consumes hours of time doing things that are not high priority.  In our interactions at home if she perceives that someone had made a judgement about how she does something she over compensates by doing more and then has an outburst.  There is no ability to let go and just prioritize on the important stuff.
6.   There is never an opportunity to look on the bright side and enjoy life.  We are always stressing out about something.  Holidays, Gatherings, Birthdays, in all my time with her there has never been a get together without so much anxiety before that it overshadows the event.  Sometimes we need to withdraw from the event because it is such a problem.  Thanksgiving and Christmas have never gone off without some type of resentment towards me or blaming me for screwing everything up.  She cries on her birthday every year because something didn’t go as planned or to her expectations.  Everything is always centered on her and how her needs aren’t being met.  Yet once we go and attend the event she has a great time.


Things I don’t think are behaviors she has:
1.   Drug and Alcohol abuse – she has completely given drugs and alcohol up to the point that she resents me if I have a glass of wine or beer.
2.   Eccentric Behavior – I don’t see here dressing up strangely, getting tattoos etc
3.   Self-Harm – there have been a few episodes of threatening suicide but they are few and far between.  She isn’t cutting herself or recklessly behaving in a manner that puts her physical body at harm. 

So that’s what got me to the group.  I associate with the writings in the book and on the website, I have a very difficult relationship with my partner and I’m looking to fix it.  I used to think I could attack problems and logically fix them but I no longer do.  I’m working more on listening to her and being as compassionate to the way she feels as I can.  I’m not always good at it, in fact sometimes I make it worse because I try to explain something she fundamentally doesn’t agree with or worse I raise my voice and yell.

As you can see I can go on and on with these type of ramblings, yet I remain conflicted to weather it is her and “BPD” or it’s just me. 

So then today happened, after posting my first post on November 1 my wife picked up the ipad and saw the web history of this forum and articles and videos related to marriage and BPD.  Today, November 9, she somehow discovered this at 6am in the morning, rushed into the bedroom where I was awake but just getting up/still in bed playing with my son and said “Do you think I have a personality disorder?”.  To which, I responded “No”.
I was taken off guard, she was not happy and I lied.  The truth is I do think she is but the reality is that it’s just my opinion and we’ve never even discussed it so I think subconsciously that triggered me to instantly lie.  Maybe I’m making excuses for myself, but I responded “no” when I am mostly leaning “yes”.  So now here we are, she’s extremely mad at me.  She declined my invitation to go out for a “date” tomorrow night, she’s in the middle of a very stressful weak at work and I’m now to blame for adding an additional stress to her life.
Where do I go from here? I don’t believe she has seen the posts just a you tube video and the main page.  I feel like I’m being deceitful now and that’s the last thing I want.  I’m going through with this post because I need to even if there is a risk she reads it – am I wrong?
I want my marriage to work and right now its mostly for my child

[isilme]

I don't place a lot of stock in an official diagnosis being needed.  If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, even if it's only 51% of the time, tools to work with ducks will likely help.

Most of us can never get that validation of an official diagnosis - our pwBPD simply won't even set foot in the clinicians' office.  Of those that do, it's often not caught, and can even be mis-represented a way for validation that YOU are the problem, not them.  And many professionals can't spot it, and don't know how to treat it.  BPD is elusive, often comorbid with anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and a number of other possible causes for the erratic, self and family harming actions.  Basically, I see BPD as a name for the behaviors, and it as an emotional disability, not exactly a mental illness. It's also a spectrum, and the bad behavoir can ebb and flow based on current circumstances, time of year, external influences, and even health.

So it doens't matter if you saw a bullet list of actions that seem to fit, or you ahve mutiple PHDs in mental health - if it seems to fit, you can find help here   The tools and lessons can help with ALL communication in your life, and while they are tailored for working with an emotionally volitile person, it can help you be mindful in all areas of your life.