Love Yourself

[walkinthepark247]

Hey! I've been bouncing between this board and the improving board for several weeks now. I'm still trying to figure out where I belong. Right now, my wife is viewing me as the cause of all her problems. She dysregulates by the mere fact of me walking into a room. My presence causes her great anguish it seems.

Enough about that... .Sometimes, I feel like I am concentrating too much on myself being the victim. On this particular board, the subject is "tolerating". But, let me ask you all (and myself): What are you doing to love yourself?

I just read this book on Amazon and I would highly recommend it: "Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It"
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Yourself-Like-Your-Depends-ebook/dp/B0086BX8UE/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1509630202&sr=1-1&keywords=love+yourself

From the description of the book: "The truth is to love yourself with the same intensity you would use to pull yourself up if you were hanging off a cliff with your fingers. As if your life depended upon it. Once you get going, it's not hard to do."

Feel free to even comment on thoughts related to the description.

Give the book time; it may not be for everyone. Either way, feel free to participate in this thread. The author raises an interesting point: Why do we feel so uncomfortable at times with loving ourselves? He gives specific exercises and meditations that are focused on simply loving yourself. It's really not as crazy as it sounds.

So, even if you don't meditate or read self-help, what are you all doing to love yourselves during the difficult times? Challenge accepted?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Enough about that... .Sometimes, I feel like I am concentrating too much on myself being the victim. On this particular board, the subject is "tolerating". But, let me ask you all (and myself): What are you doing to love yourself?

I just read this book on Amazon and I would highly recommend it: "Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It"
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Yourself-Like-Your-Depends-ebook/dp/B0086BX8UE/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1509630202&sr=1-1&keywords=love+yourself

From the description of the book: "The truth is to love yourself with the same intensity you would use to pull yourself up if you were hanging off a cliff with your fingers. As if your life depended upon it. Once you get going, it's not hard to do."

So, even if you don't meditate or read self-help, what are you all doing to love yourselves during the difficult times? Challenge accepted?

I'd like to suggest that you also post this book on the Book Club Page .

I love the description of how to love yourself. It sounds so urgent, which in our relationships it really is urgent. We may not always get the love we need from our spouse.

I found that over the years learning to love myself was an area where I found intense freedom. I find it confusing that I've found myself in BPD relationship because my self love and confidence are very high in all areas of my life, except my marriage, although it is getting much much better.

My faith plays a huge part in being able to love myself. I know that I am made in the image of God and I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I'm a daughter of the King, which makes me a princess  I spend a lot of time in worship that feels like washing off all the gunk from the day and from the things my H says (or said. He has been really kind lately). I pray.

But as for other things I do, I'm a diva. I shop for stylish clothes. I'm plus size and it's important to me that I always dress nice, get my hair done, and wear makeup so I try to spoil myself at least every couple of weeks. Plus just the process of getting ready boosts my confidence.

I also read... .alot. I enjoy reading so much. I've been a reader since I was 3 and books just fascinate me to no end. I'm involved in a lot of activities. I volunteer. In the past I've led bible study groups for women and helped with pastoral counseling at church. At my new church, at the beginning of the year I'm going to start a bible study for etiher women who are in a difficult marriage or for women whose spouses are of a different faith. Just this week I've started writing material for a new ministry.  I hope to be able to attend speaking engagements on this material.

I have some great girlfriends and we get together a couple times a month to do various things. I also take photography and both my H and I are starting a farm. I love watching my animals and sometimes will spend quite a bit of time just watching our goose, turkey, and chicken scratch around in the yard. It's very peaceful.

What about you? What do you do for self love?

[Enabler]

I'm at the bottom of the pecking order, I feel undeserving of anything for myself despite being moderately (initially typed very but thought that made me sound like a dck) successful, intelligent and all round accomplished guy. I rarely treat myself and struggle to carve our money out of our month family budget for me, even though I work a 12 hour day. I felt/feel that the idea of loving oneself requires a degree of arrogance and I associate it with narcissism and this is a trait I have never warmed to. Although I wouldn't call myself charitable, I do offer my time and energy to help other people when my time is valuable. I place little value on my time although I reserve the rite to get annoyed and blaming about the fact that I'm time poor... .There... .I said it out loud.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I felt/feel that the idea of loving oneself requires a degree of arrogance and I associate it with narcissism and this is a trait I have never warmed to.

Enabler, I hear you. I've been there. With the help of my therapist and friends, it took me time to realize that there is such a thing as healthy narcissism. It is a spectrum. We all have some narcissistic traits and need them to survive and it's okay. Otherwise we're doormats and that isn't good either. I believe we really do need to take care of ourselves in order to help and take care of others. You can't pour from an empty cup. It's about balance. The problems seem to occur when we're at either end of that spectrum.

My ex put me through many guilt trips when I tried to get my needs met myself. I can't count the number of times he called me selfish when I was just trying to take care of myself and my needs. I "simply" got tired of being on the bottom of the pecking order and worked towards changing that. I hated feeling that way. I was depressed for many years believing I didn't deserve anything good. For me, I now know this is probably the message I received over the years from various abusive relationships. It was drilled into me and I believed it for years. At the core of this for me, I think was a feeling of shame for who I was. I felt that my parents didn't accept me for who I was and neither did any of the guys in the abusive relationships I was in. When your needs aren't met as a child, I think it really impacts your adulthood. It took time and a good therapist to help me work through this. I still struggle with it from time to time.

When I take care of myself, I find that it feels good and I like feeling good. Sometimes it's as simple as spending some time at the library because I love to read. Sometimes I go to bed early because I'm really tired. Or I buy myself some french fries one day because I'm craving french fries. Or I take a day off of work and do absolutely nothing because I need to recharge even though I have a ton of things to do. I still struggle with spending money on myself. It feels weird but I still try to find a balance I can live with. Have you tried to give yourself little treats here and there? Sometimes even small things can make a difference.

[Enabler]

I think the lack of self love started at a similar time to my wife's expression of rejection sensitivity and obviously her expression of entitlement. How is one supposed to treat oneself to a night out when the result is their nearest and dearest cutting themselves. Although clearly at the time I knew that was not a rational response and didn't take it onboard, the phrase "if you loved me you wouldn't... ." kinda got branded in my head. All things including DIY seemed to be a rejection/abandonment of her.

It's only when I assert boundaries that our relationship suffers. She very much sees the enforcement of "this is my time, my effort, my life" as a rejection of her control over me and thus  a rejection of her in entirety. This was especially the case when my father died and needed a bit of my emotional capacity back due to being over burdened. TBH I think I made it even worse as I tried to impose myself in her world as I needed things for me from her. Me trying to control her was not at all acceptable, the entitlement trip only goes one way!

[walkinthepark247]

With the help of my therapist and friends, it took me time to realize that there is such a thing as healthy narcissism. It is a spectrum.

Bingo! That's what it is all about. You cannot truly serve others and create a difference in the world if you do not love yourself. It's not about fawning over yourself. Rather, it's about self-care and recognizing that you are to be loved and worthy of love.

[ozmatoz]

Just downloaded... .will listen in the car on my way home.  I find that during the fleeting moments of self-esteem and self love I feel incredible.  Problem is the more I hang out there the worse things get at home... .  Hopefully the book will help me.

thank you for the share!

-Oz

[Chosen]

My faith plays a huge part in being able to love myself. I know that I am made in the image of God and I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I'm a daughter of the King, which makes me a princess  I spend a lot of time in worship that feels like washing off all the gunk from the day and from the things my H says (or said. He has been really kind lately). I pray.

Totally second this.  When H paints me black, it is really hard to feel like I deserve anything.  I feel like such a terrible human being, like I have failed everybody- because that was what H tells me.  Sometimes he doesn't say it in an angry, accusing way, but more of a passive-aggressive, offhandish way ("I'd rather you be like this now, not trying to help with anything, because at least you're not messing with my life more than you already have".  If I take every word to heart, it cuts like a knife. 

But then I remember that God created me in His image, and He thinks I am worthy of His love.  That He has died for me- this is huge!  I pray that He helps me remember this, and that I wouldn't think I deserve to die or I should not have existed.  That I sometimes fail but He still loves me, and that wouldn't change.  I like how you compare it to washing off the gunk from the day.  We need to constantly purge our minds of the terrible thoughts which has been planted in our minds by BPD. 

I think loving ourselves is trying not to be so hard on ourselves, because the BPD people in our lives is already being hard on us sometimes (or all the time).  It is telling ourselves that their view of us is not the only view; is pulling ourselves out of the FOG and trying to view ourselves in a relatively objective way.  It is forgiving ourselves when we fail (forgot all the tools and set of JADEing, anyone?), even though our BPD partners do not forgive us.  It is not getting caught up in the blacks-and-whites of BPD thinking, and know that most of the time we're actually gray, and knowing that's ok because nobody's perfect (and we're not completely evil).  It is also not easy, but loving ourselves is truly important because we need to be strong and stable individuals in order to live lives with BPD.

[walkinthepark247]

So, I'll jump in (since I started it). Lately, these are the things I have been doing to love myself:

1. Take time to really listen and speak directly to my kids. I view them as an extension of myself. Our 4 year old is already starting to exhibit some of the very violent behavior she has seen from her mother.
2. Reach out to old family and friends and be brutally honest about my situation and tell them I need their support. I kept it bottled up for far too long. Called an old friend who I really respect for over 25 years. I don't see him or talk to him often. Spoke directly and without holding back to my parents. Their response? We know we see that there is a major problem whenever we visit your house. Spouse also gives them the silent treatment and snaps at them over minor stuff.
3. Sit down and finally read the book "Splitting" which I have been putting off for far too long.
4. Speak with an attorney and develop a strategy for my future and my kids' futures. <I initially posted this in "tolerating"; it got moved> But, I am working on a better relationship with myself and my kids. Wife will not speak to me and she has "split" me into an awful, evil person with no redeeming qualities.
5. Stretch at random times during the day. Which reminds me... .
6. Try to eat healthier. Cut out soda and reduce alcohol. Smaller portions!
7. I have been practicing some of the mantras in the Love Yourself book. When I have a negative fear or thought about my predicament, I repeat the "I love myself" and remember to breathhhhhhhh. Laugh if you want to, it actually helps calm the mind. I thought it sounded corny at first too.
8. Leave the room when my spouse goes negative on me. Right now, we cannot even be in the same room as each other. The negativity just seeps out of her pores and poisons the air.
9. Set up boundaries!
10. Pray about the situation and keeping my strength today and for the days that I know are coming.
11. Stop looking at my phone before bedtime and just clear my mind.
12. Do yard work. It is great to get out of the house.
13. Once the kids are in bed, my wife really laces into me with all kinds of negativity. Or, she just stews silently. Either way, it's not healthy to be around. Emotional pollution? Instead, I've been going out in the backyard with a chair and staring at the stars. Did anyone see that amazing moon last night?
14. Like others, my faith has been very important to me. As my Christian counselor said yesterday "You are not the Messiah. At least, I hope you don't think you are. You cannot save your wife."

[Tattered Heart]

THose are great things for you to do for yourself walkinthepark247

... .There... .I said it out loud.

Now that you've admitted it, what can you start doing today to love yourself, whether you feel like you deserve it or not?

 Or I buy myself some french fries one day because I'm craving french fries.

How funny! I did this just yesterday!

I think loving ourselves is trying not to be so hard on ourselves, because the BPD people in our lives is already being hard on us sometimes (or all the time).  It is telling ourselves that their view of us is not the only view; is pulling ourselves out of the FOG and trying to view ourselves in a relatively objective way.  It is forgiving ourselves when we fail (forgot all the tools and set of JADEing, anyone?), even though our BPD partners do not forgive us.  It is not getting caught up in the blacks-and-whites of BPD thinking, and know that most of the time we're actually gray, and knowing that's ok because nobody's perfect (and we're not completely evil).  It is also not easy, but loving ourselves is truly important because we need to be strong and stable individuals in order to live lives with BPD.

Love this, Chosen. It's especially important to do this when things are bad. We take the things our pwBPD says about us as truth because there may be something in us that resonates with what they say. Take the lies inside our heads and replace them with the truth.

[Enabler]

You forgot one... .

15) Forgive her constantly

I'm not sure there's any greater love for oneself than having the self belief that you are able to forgive someone else... .because you don't want/need to carry around the burden of being resentful towards them.

"As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison." Nelson Mandela

[walkinthepark247]

Enabler, agreed. That's one that I really struggle with. This is especially true since apologies are always demanded from me for minor infractions. But, you are absolutely correct. It is a terrible thing to hold on to bitterness every day. <see the quote in my signature line below>

At the same time, forgiveness does not mean you forget about taking steps to protect yourself. "The body is a temple". I physically cannot take this any longer. It's driving me into the ground. Must take steps to improve and protect myself and the kids. I also owe a duty to those precious kids and myself.

[Enabler]

forgiveness does not mean you forget about taking steps to protect yourself.

Read a book recently called Toxic Parents, I keep raving about it. It was truly enlightening. she makes some great points about forgiveness. Forgiveness is not about receiving an acknowledgment, it's not about getting an apology, it's about placing the guilt and shame in it's rightful place... ."this is not mine, it is yours". Being bitter requires that you hold on to the hope of both acknowledgement and getting an apology. As you say it means that in future you can protect your soul from future attacks. My uBPDw believes that she has dealt with her uBPDm in 2007, she approached her and her father and told them about the amount of hurt she experienced in her teenage years, they denied all knowledge of the behaviors (even though they still continue to date). She expected acknowledgment and apologies, she expected remorse... .they did not hold out their hands to take her guilt and shame, as a consequence she still owns it. She still hurts when her Mum berates her... .she cannot forgive and she cannot protect her soul.

[Frankee]

I agree with the previous comments.  I firmly believe you have to have self love and compassion. The BPD's in our lives can cut us deeper than anybody else.  It hurts that the people we love and care so deeply about can also be the ones that have the capacity to say and do such cruel things we wouldn't even say to people we hate.  My H can make me feel like I am the absolute worse person on this planet, out to secretly destroy them, ruin/make their life more complicated, that I am going to drive him to a heart attack or kill himself.  It's hard to see past the FOG at times and remember that it is not true, it is their issues, not mine, and I am a good person. 

They can make us believe to have self love and compassion makes us narcissus, selfish, not thinking or caring about others.  The truth is, they are struggling to love themselves and hate the fact that we have the capacity to do it.  That is just my personal perspective.  My H holds me responsible for his happiness and affectionate, when I don't do that of him.

The comments that what they do say negative resonates with us.  It feel almost like they reach down into the shadows of things we don't like about ourselves in some way or things that we wish we could change and then just shove them in our face and say "look at what a horrible person you are".  My H knows me.  The things that I'm not proud of or knowing the mistakes I made could of been corrected if I had done something differently.  He choke holds those moments and tries to hold them hostage.  He's making me face the things about myself that I feel are ugly and wish I could run from.  In a twisted way, it's making me stronger.  I'm having to deal with things that I don't want to, but need to.  He thinks he's breaking me down, when in fact, he's giving me stones to rebuild.

Even know when I misunderstand or hear him wrong, I'm lying.  I'm struggling with knowing that I'm trying hard to keep focused, but it doesn't always work.  He puts so much on my shoulders and then still claims that I don't do anything.  He can't see past his own FOG.  Maybe he never will.