Hi believer55,
I understand your feeling. My h is not diagnosed, and does not see any problem with himself. I don't feel like he's ever going to, and will therefore never attend any support group, nor will let me do it (because that will mean I think he is ill).
I guess I am feeling a mixture of anger that it is still happening as I am so exhausted and then guilt that I am not being more appreciative of the work he has done. It has helped having a diagnosis as we can now say we know why he struggles the way he does, but when it suits him everything is my fault and I "drag" him into these situations that escalate his emotions. I feel I still want so much more from him and I don't know if that is fair.Do other people feel this way? Am I being too hard on him?
I guess it helps to have realistic expectations of the future. It's great that he is diagnosed- many of us nons can never hope for that (for instance, I don't see this happening to myself). But a diagnosis is only the beginning. It's exhausting to be with a BPD partner sometimes, especially when they are dysregulating. However, they do have the tendency to put the blame on others when things get tough/ not go their way, and I think this is never going to completely go away- it may in the long run, but they're not just going to "snap out of it".
I don't want to be a Debbie Downer but it's probably going to be easier for you if you try to give up the notion of "wanting so much more from him", because 1. it creates pressure for him to change, and we know BPDs cannot be forced to change, it has to come out of their own willingness (otherwise they will blame it on you forcing them to do such and such), 2. you never know to what extent he is going to improve in the future. If you're hoping that he will get rid of his BPD tendencies completely, then anything less and you will feel like he hasn't improved enough, and you will probably be disappointed. Being constantly disappointed in no way to live! I think you will have to encourage yourself to look on the bright side, trying to see how much he has improved rather than how much is still "not right". Of course, when he's dysregulating, you may feel different, and it's completely normal. I feel really down as well during those times, like none of the tools have worked and why did I bother etc.
But generally speaking, we as nons have to remind ourselves that we have gone a long a way, that things weren't as bad as before (if you really have seen improvement, no matter how small it is), otherwise I think you'll really struggle in the long run because you will feel unfulfilled in the relationship.
