Is it important to keep those things in mind?

[disorderedsociety]

As in, the things the ex did that were red flags, or weird, or crazy? I find myself thinking maybe I was wrong to leave her, but all my friends who I told about how I felt and how the relationship was, agreed it needed to end. So did my counselor, who suggested she has BPD. There were plenty of red flags at the beginning that I didn't heed, because she wasn't the type to be outwardly angry, hostile or crazy-acting.

So, is it important to keep in mind the reasons we left, or to just try and focus as much as possible on the present?

[itgetsbetter94]

Whenever my mind goes back to our golden times, idealisation phase, nostalgia, memories, I remember all the reasons why the relationship ended.
Idealisation was only a prelude to discard.  Idealisation phase wasn't sustainable as such. It was only stage 1. Some say "it is a first abuse, the time when the most damage was inflicted". Sadly, but it's the truth. That was the HOOK that got us addicted. :-/

As I said, I have to keep my mind consciously in check in case it wanders of to the dangerous, harmful territory.  In time, my mind would pull it self together (I hope), but until then, I have to sometimes active remind it why is it my perogative to stay the hell away. And why it was the good decision to leave.

[Tattered Heart]

I think balance is important. Skewing too far positive and too far negative distorts our view. I would say there is nothing wrong in acknowledging that there were good things about the relationship, but also remembering that the negative times were just as bad if not more powerful than the positive.

I think more important than what others say, is do you think it needed to end? You ended it for a reason right? Remembering what brought you to that decision may help you stay the course better.

[OLR1986]

As in, the things the ex did that were red flags, or weird, or crazy? I find myself thinking maybe I was wrong to leave her, but all my friends who I told about how I felt and how the relationship was, agreed it needed to end. So did my counselor, who suggested she has BPD. There were plenty of red flags at the beginning that I didn't heed, because she wasn't the type to be outwardly angry, hostile or crazy-acting.

So, is it important to keep in mind the reasons we left, or to just try and focus as much as possible on the present?

I can relate to this very well... My ex, like yours did not display extreme BPD behaviors. She is high functioning, her main traits are splitting, manipulating blame onto me, rapidly moving onto other men, recycling etc... Its very easy for me to look back and blame myself for what happened. I think about it often, what helps me is to look at the extremes and abnormal behaviors.

During the most recent recycle she was obsessively affectionate, she was super into our relationship. Two weeks in she decided she wanted new wedding rings, we upgraded and I thought to myself, this is sudden and quick... In a matter of 30 days of purchasing the rings, she returned them and left the house asking for a divorce. Not too long after that she is "in love" with someone else...

Thats the one story I look back on and confirms to me that no matter what I did, this was always going to be the result. We can try to decipher the moments of good and how we could of done things differently to resolve and better our relationships. To an extent that may be true, but the current reality is that we are on this message board for a reason... We can only take responsibility for our 50%...

[disorderedsociety]

I think balance is important. Skewing too far positive and too far negative distorts our view. I would say there is nothing wrong in acknowledging that there were good things about the relationship, but also remembering that the negative times were just as bad if not more powerful than the positive.

I think more important than what others say, is do you think it needed to end? You ended it for a reason right? Remembering what brought you to that decision may help you stay the course better.

Well, it was everything. I was just unhappy in it. I constantly thought of leaving. I wasn't that attracted to her physically and was in a bad place when we met, and she moved in within a couple of months. I think all of those things are valid reasons to leave, but I would guess I'm not well-practiced in validating my own reasons for leaving. I also really fantasized about other women a lot, and wondered what it would be like dating some of them.

In the beginning, her calling me cringey love-names like her "prince" and love-bombing me right away, should've been enough to alert me. Possibly the strangest thing is that she wanted to "retain our friendship" during the break-up, then I brought up the things she did and didn't do that she was trying to shift the blame to me for, and now I'm blocked on FB! Haven't heard a word from her. I would think if she was so mature and what-not like she liked to say she was, she would at least be willing to talk it out, but nope, she wouldn't own up to anything except, "I -had- bad boundaries, -we- have communication issues, -you- weren't ready for a relationship, I understand, it's just all the trauma from your mom and your ex" Wow... .

[MeandThee29]

I think that you have to ultimately step away from the past. I found that I was churning over it, and it often made it hard to sleep. I kept thinking about what I could have done differently.

The reality? I can't change the past. And in therapy, I learned that no matter what I had done, separation was inevitable. He had been talking about it periodically for eight years, and on an ongoing basis for two years. We separated twice in 2017. The first time he tried to commit suicide five days later, and then this time he moved many states away.  Of course he blames me for it being too hard to work through. I remain the cause of our breakup and the crazy one. He was supposed to get help, and we were supposed to work towards reconciliation. As far as I know, he never sought counselling or medication. My therapist predicted that it would get even more ugly because of the feelings of abandonment, and in time he would just give up and make his own life because it was too hard for him to work through. That's exactly what happened. I get a few emails from him regarding business matters, and that's it.

Living in the present is easier for me than living in the past, and ultimately more healing. There's some financial uncertainty because I currently have two part-time jobs with no benefits. I'm job hunting, but have good prospects. If I have something by summer, we'll be fine. I don't know if he'll push for legal separation or divorce at some point. He's said that he will and then backed off multiple times. I have a file open with a lawyer and know how I'll pay for it.

It's been said too many times, but one day at a time gets me through.