No Matter What It’s Always There

[Tattered Heart]

First weekend I haven’t had to sell at market so I slept in. Woke up and started cooking us breakfast and saw that my H is especially critical this morning. He got annoyed that I didn’t let him watch a Snapchat of my niece and that I never share them anymore (he told me over 2 years ago he didn’t care to see them).  He criticized the way I cut the sausage, heated the pan, buttered the toast. He has jumped on me for the way I told a story then judged me for another story. He made 2 little jabs about my faith. I told him I felt like he was being a little harsh with me and he told me I’m being too sensitive.

My anxiety is through the roof now. We are about to take our dog to Petsmart together for the first time plus it will be the first time we will be going to a store together in over 4-5 months, which has always turned into a fight.

It’s always there. No matter that it’s been almost a 1 1/2 months since he dysregulated. The tones are there. The language pattern is sharp and tense. It sits in the shadows, waiting, watching for a moment when I’m not prepared. When my guard is down, when I begin to feel happy and hopeful. And it attacks, erases my confidence to handle conflict.

And I’m just sitting here crying and typing this but really he hasn’t done anything too wrong. I’m just feeling a lot of FOG and I’m not reacting to him well. I’m predicting bad behavior from him which will lead to bad behavior but my mind is stuck in this spot telling me it never will truly get better. How do I get out of my emotions, my fear, my hopelessness? I’m having a hard time seeing the progress over the past couple months.

 Or was it really progress? Was it just that his last dusregulation was so intense that it just stopped his upcycle and has nothing to do with me using skills?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DaddyBear77]

 

TH, I am so sorry the storm is brewing today. Stay strong. The skills don’t cure BPD but they help us weather these storms as best as possibly can be.

Tell us how things are going now when you get a chance. We’re here for you.

 

[Tattered Heart]

I think I’m actually mad at myself. A couple harsh words from him  and I withdrawal. I act like I have some kind of narcissistic wound. Is that what it is? Is that why I shut off so easily from him? Why did I let myself get so wounded from 1 hour of him in a bad mood when we have had a good 45 or more days since his last bad mood?

He is fine now. He is trying to figure out what’s wrong with me because I am withdrawn and quiet. I can actually see him walking on egg shells with me. And if I don’t get myself back to baseline soon he will take my behavior as rejection (which it is) and our fights will start again.

[DaddyBear77]

Oh man, do I know this dance.

First off, somewhere inside of us we know that crtiticisim over how we heat the breakfast pan is utterly ridiculous. If another person was in such a foul mood that they would find fault with how their loving partner cooked THEIR breakfast, we would fully expect that other person to snap out of it and say “wow, I am so sorry I was so critical of how you made the breakfast. You work so hard to make a nice meal for me and I am really grateful for that. Thank you!”

I think, for me at least, it’s a kind of mourning. We’re mourning the loss of that ideal partnership we thought maybe we could have or should have had.

Also, what if you were to tell him, straight up, “I was hurt by the way you nit picked my efforts to make breakfast” - what would he say? Would he continue the stance of “you’re too sensitive?” EVERYONE needs validation! We have varying needs, but his response was invalidating. I’m sure you’re feeling that too.

And finally, maybe there’s even a little PTSD mixed in?

These are all guesses, and a lot of it comes from my own feelings and maybe projections.

Do these things ring true to you?

[pearlsw]

It’s always there. No matter that it’s been almost a 1 1/2 months since he dysregulated. It sits in the shadows, waiting, watching for a moment when I’m not prepared. When my guard is down, when I begin to feel happy and hopeful.  
but really he hasn’t done anything too wrong. I’m just feeling a lot of FOG and I’m not reacting to him well.

 Or was it really progress? Was it just that his last dysregulation was so intense that it just stopped his upcycle and has nothing to do with me using skills?

Hi TH,

  I go over similar thoughts in my mind at times. After what I saw recently, while I am proud of my improved communication, I see this mental illness of his is much bigger than me and it works on its own cycles. I am not in control of this any more than I am the sun rising and setting. I wish it was that predictable though! It feels like progress to get to experience 1.5 months of relative calm instead of weekly eruptions, but we are simply doing our part - doing our best. I feel like as long as I am doing my best with communication than I am doing what is humanly possible. With time I can observe more and continue to evaluate if this life is possible.

This is a lot like what happened to me last week:

He is trying to figure out what’s wrong with me because I am withdrawn and quiet. I can actually see him walking on egg shells with me. And if I don’t get myself back to baseline soon he will take my behavior as rejection (which it is) and our fights will start again.

Folks like this are incredibly sensitive. It amazes me how sensitive - how the slightest signal can be picked up by someone with BPD traits and then they blow up! He says I was telling him a story last week, and my face turned red, and he felt I had slept with someone else years ago in the story I was telling - I hadn't. I was afraid he could take the story the wrong way (twist it up and weaponize it although it was neutral to me.) and hesitated to tell it, but thought, ah heck, I'll just tell it, I should be able to tell stories. (It was about other travelers showing me their city. It was one day out of a month long trip - but he ignored the rest of the trip. Just these few hours mattered because I MUST have slept with someone!) He felt this was true just off some red color he thinks he saw so... .he blew up.

Anyway, I know how hard it is not to withdraw. I did that at times. I am darn sure not telling him a lot of stories though. Their behavior does begin to shape us. I want to resist and remain myself somehow.

Take care! I know how much it hurts!

[Tattered Heart]

I go through the mourning process every few months. I think its just a part of Radical Acceptance.

I'm pretty sure my H has PTSD from the abuse from his dad as a child. Certain situations that are seemingly unrelated link together in his mind.

After we left to go run errands together, his mood drastically improved. Later in the day he said he was really glad that we've been getting along so well. I mentioned this morning and he said that was nothing really. I (as in me) was in a bad mood and he just let it go.   But I agreed that things had been going very well overall and shared that I was happy that it wasn't because our life is just going good that's causing it.

I let him know that I see that he is really trying to make improvements in his response to life stress. He denied it but I shared a few examples of times that I've seen him talking himself through stress outloud. I also talked about how I am making it a point to make sure I"m really listening to him. He agreed that I've been doing good at that too. He thinks a big part of things is that 1) He got off FB 2) He got some help at work and doesn't feel quite so overwhelmed all the time. I 100% agreed with him on this and again tried to show him that there are times when he has worked through smaller stressors for himself.

[pearlsw]

Hi TH,

I always read your posts with an eye towards the similarities and differences in our situations!   I am wondering a bit about PTSD lately and how far back it may go with my spouse if he indeed has it too.

I understand about the mourning. I feel like sometimes my h picks up on me getting low about our relationship (and its limits) and he sort of unconsciously tries to jumpstart the relationship by shocking me a bit into a higher level of emotion that he desires. I am more balanced and never particularly high in my moods. I can be positive and upbeat, but I am not walking around declaring him to be as WONDERFUL as he sees me when he is in an elevated high mood state. I do try to offer a steady, consistent stream of loving words and behaviors to provide a secure, loving home for us... .but any small slip in this and he can lose it completely. Last night he started to get very upset at himself because he is recognizing his behavior is driving people away and hurting them. (me mostly) I could see he was not ready for these topics so I kept things short and followed it with more upbeat talk to help keep his mood elevated.

I am happy with his efforts at improvements this week... .We'll see how long they last.  I'm not trying to address every little detail of the latest drama, just going slow and letting things settle down again.

I think a lot of these kinds of conversations where we congratulate each other are great healing efforts! (What you describe you and your husband have been talking about.) I think sometimes putting this stuff into words helps to bring into life the healing we are trying to do here. We do this to cheer each other on in our efforts. Does your husband see himself as a team with you on improving the relationship?

[Tattered Heart]

Does your husband see himself as a team with you on improving the relationship?

Honestly no. He can see that I've made some minor changes but I don't think he is really even observant enough to notice the real changes I've made. He thinks a lot of it has to do with things he has done, not us together. I'm ok with that. It boosts his self worth and he has done some work.  I don't need credit for what I've done to work on things. My reward is that I don't hate him and that I'm no longer scared of him.

[isilme]

It will always be a bit sad to know that it's lurking there, even if it's asleep.  But it sounds like you did really well even though you were not totally on your A-game, and things calmed down a bit. 

We are allowed to have funky days, too.  I have to tell H that I can be down and it not be about him.  He insists on asking "what did I do, how did I fail?" and I have to explain that I have a full-time sometimes stressful job and plenty of things that can make me stressed and tired that have nothing to do with him. 

And like others have said, the set of my face can make him freak out.  I have been having some horrible eye-allergies sine spring, and so I am often squinty on a bad day, simply trying to see out of puffy, irritated eyes.  And I am very tired.  But he takes my less than enthusiastic responses as rejection instead of fatigue, and my squinty eyes as me expressing anger, not an allergic reaction I've been talking about since March. 

Yes, they can be very sensitive to perceived slights against them, but they can also totally miss the fact that we can be tired, exhausted, and that being the more emotionally aware and responsbile person is in itself draining, and that we can have emotions that are not tied to them, or ARE, but we don't want to stir the pot by talking about them until we can figure out how and be in a place where we can manage ourselves.  That in itself is one thing I think they may miss, being somewhat slaves to their emotions - that we take breaks internally to sort things, and get quiet not as punishment to them, but to keep control of ourselves.  It's a skill they are at best learning, and they may not be able to understand it from the outside. 

[pearlsw]

Hi TH,

I hear ya!   I also know what it is like to wake up with anxiety over what mood he may be in.  I count it a success to that I don't hate him, and that I'm willing to keep waking up to my life. I know what he is capable of in terms of nasty threats, but I try not to be scared about it on a daily basis.