Daughter-in-law has what appears to be undiagnosed BPD.

[SoupLaDle]

Hello,

My daughter-in-law appears to have BPD. We've had four blow-ups in the last four months.Up until recently, I thought we had an okay relationship. She has been married to my son for four years and is step-mother to my 8 year old granddaughter and 6 year old grandson. I'm a long distance grandparent and am afraid that she will try to eliminate my husband and I from our grandchildren's lives. She needs to be the center of attention at all times so I work to get time alone with my grandchildren. The more I read about BPD (my therapists suggestion) the more afraid I get that she will convince my son to keep our grandchildren away from us. It's funny, the blow-ups geared up after my son agreed to let my grandkids travel as unaccompanied minors to visit us. He was so happy with the way the visit went that he began talking about them coming back next year for an even longer visit. I think this set his wife off.  My son has overcome addiction and has a history of not standing up for himself though he stands by his wife even when he knows she's lying. I'm to the point where I'm so sick of being hurt by my son and his wife that all I care about is my grandchildren. I'm worried about their emotional well-being. I'm worried for all of us and our emotional well-being. Thanks for any input.

[evanescent]

Soup, I have been your son. Whatever happens going forward, understand that he loves you. Understand that he has to make choices to appease the BPDw he lives with, and that choice will unfortunately not be what you would want or expect under normal circumstances.

They are not the choices he wants to make.  They are however the choices he has to make if he wants to continue the relationship with the woman he loves.

It won't be easy, but understand that the space that will be forced between you is not what he wants, but must exist to allow for both his sanity and yours.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this, but his priority will always have to be to his BPDw unless he wants to leave her. It sucks. It's a trap. Just know that you are not being pushed out for what he wants, but because of what he has to do. Support him however you can. It is not really about you.

[Notwendy]

Soup, this is a sad and common situation and if you search for similar threads on this board, you will see many posts and a lot of advice.

A good model for this situation is the Karpan Triangle. Basically, if your DIL is upset at something or someone, she will take victim perspective and your son will step in as rescuer and do what she wants to make her feel better.

Since you have experienced drug addiction with your son, it will help if you apply this model to his behavior. This situation- being rescuer - is irresistible to him. If he succeed in being the ONE for her, there will be a period of elation between them that mimics the high of a drug. But like drugs, there are "highs" and "lows" and when there is a low, the craving for the high is there. This isn't illegal like drugs. The relationships are emotionally intense and that works for some people- and they have the choice to be in it.

These relationships can follow different paths and for some, the relationship is worth the emotional price and so long as it is, the person will continue the dynamics. Some people may hit bottom and aim for personal change - which can happen in or out of a relationship. Once that happens, the spouse has to either accept the new dynamics or not, and the relationship may or may not last. This takes a lot of personal work on the non, who may not want to sacrifice the good times or risk the relationship for something different.

But like drug addiction, the non has to choose to change - and only the non can make this choice.

You are at a good point in that- you see something is up but you have not been cut off yet. This is the time to be smart. IMHO, you do not say one word to your son about the situation or his wife. Assume that anything and everything you say will be shared with her- and that there isn't an individual relationship with him. ( whether or not this is true, as he can be persuaded to tell her "everything".

Do not take her actions personally. They are not about you, but know that you can potentially be the recipient of her projections. Do not push, but keep the door open.

One situation that could be in your favor is that the grandkids are not hers biologically. Once they are teens and have a mind ( and mouth!) of their own, she may not be so keen on having them around and may be happy to send them to stay with you for a while. Keep that door open.

Read the advice here, and learn. Your son has to figure out his way in this.However,the grandkids will grow up and if you have a chance to be there for them, it can make a difference for them.