Is this gas lighting?

[Heir2theThorn]

Hi, I'm on these boards b/c of family-of-origin members who I suspect are either unBPD (sister) or have BP/NP traits (mom/dad, strong traits but probably not quite enough to be "disordered".  Recently though I discovered my husband has been gaslighting me.  I don't think he's a Borderline, but I've been seeing a therapist (without husband knowing) who says he may have something diagnose-able going on that would explain this behavior.

This morning I discovered a new, very blatant, gaslighting incident and it's sending me into a bit of a tailspin. Recent conflict with him has been triggering all sorts of uncontrollable anger, anxiety, something akin to panic attacks, distraction at work, etc.  I'm talking about all that stuff with the T but we both have a lot of scheduling conflicts so appointments will be getting less frequent.  My husband is not abusive, but when an incident like this occurs I feel afraid of him, and it becomes an hourly battle not to think about hurting myself or even killing myself.  I've sort of mentioned this to the T, but we've never really discussed it and I'm not sure she gets how "close" it is... .not sure if I want her to either, b/c she did mention something about hospitals and I'm terrified of going to a hospital.  I also have young kids.

Anyway, I wanted to ask if anyone here has experience with gaslighting and can explain what's going on in my husband's head when he does it?  I don't see him as a "bad guy", but the stuff he's doing is very blatant and deliberate, and it just freaks me out that he would deliberately try to hurt me (emotionally).

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[Enabler]

Can you describe some of the situations to give us more of an idea?

[needhelp!]

I am not sure of what specific experiences that you might have had but my husband does it all the time. (gaslighting)  He will usually try to convince me I saw something I didn't see or that He said something he didn't say.  He will tell me to do something and then ask in anger why I was doing that later.  Usually when he does that he has a certain disposition that by now I can recognize.  I was taught to call out his manipulation tactic by name.  I then remind him that that might work with his family,  that might work with his acquaintances, that might work with our friends but it is not going to work with me.  (said kindly, of course)  I usually then invite him to try another manipulation tactic.  Then it becomes a joke and it is all over... .  But that is what works for me... .

[pearlsw]

Hi Heir2theThorn,



I am sorry to hear what has brought you to us, but am glad you have found the site. I don't have personal experience with gaslighting, but I think some of us here certainly do - and many other difficult behaviors as well. I can imagine this must be very frightening and confusing.

Do you feel like hurting yourself? Is your therapist providing you the support you need with this?

It seems like focusing on your own needs is important right now. I hear that you are grasping to understand his behaviors in order to get a better handle on your situation. There are lessons to the right of the board here, when you have time, to help in understanding your partner's behaviors.

Are you able to tell us more about he is disrupting reality for you?

Take care!

[Heir2theThorn]

Thanks for the replies.  Here are 2 situations (below).  Assuming this is "gaslighting", I'm just starting to be aware of it but think both of my parents may also do it.  My sister does it for sure.

Firstly, we (husband and I) have a dog that's been a real problem running away, getting picked up by animal control, etc.  We either need to re-home her or invest in some fencing.  I prefer to keep her, but before sitting down to discuss the situation with my husband I made a decision (difficult, b/c I love the dog) that if he felt strongly about re-homing her I would agree to it.  So I started the discussion with that statement, gave him all the reasons I prefer to keep the dog, and then asked his opinion.  He said I made good points and said he agreed to keep the dog.  I feel like I was really fair and not coercive at all in my communication (sometimes I can be controlling, but in this case I tried really hard not to be).  A few days later, before I could order any fencing, the dog got out and got picked up again and my husband lit into me about how bad it is that we still have this dog.  I reminded him that we'd agreed to keep her but work on fencing, but he said he'd never agreed to that and specifically that I was the one insisting on keeping her.  I reminded him that I'd been willing to give her up, but he said no, I'd never said that.  I then got pretty flustered, as I had very deliberately told him I'd be willing to give her up, but he kept insisting I'd never said it.

Second case involves a missing portable computer drive (jump drive... .about 2 inches long).  Husband and I have a small business together, and this drive has a lot of important records on it.  Several months ago he did some laundry, didn't check my pants pockets, and accidentally ran the thing through the wash.  I recovered it, backed it up onto a new one, and asked him to be more careful about checking pockets if he was going to try and help with laundry.  So last week the new jump drive was in my pants pocket again, and he ran the pants through the laundry without me knowing.  When I realized the drive was gone, I asked if he might have accidentally put it through the wash.  He said no, so I assumed I'd misplaced it, even though I was certain it was in those pants.  I looked everywhere, and am 100% certain it was not sitting on top of my dresser.  Meanwhile husband's berating me for always losing valuable things, not appreciating him for helping with laundry, saying I blame him for everything, etc.  A few days later, I walk past my dresser and the drive is sitting on top of it in plain site.  No other people in the house could have put it there, and I'm certain it wasn't there the day before.  Husband insists he knows nothing about it.

Question #1: Is this gaslighting?
Question #2: Is he aware that he's doing it?  I could see how distorted thinking might lead to different recollections of the dog discussion, but the computer drive incident involved conscious physical actions on his part... .I don't see how that could be "inadvertent".

[pearlsw]

Hi Heir2theThorn,

Hmmm. I am no expert, and hopefully others will reply as well especially if they see it differently, but I would not so much call that gaslighting as simple lying to get out of blame. He may feel blamed, criticized, and not want to be wrong so perhaps he is saying anything to make himself "right" and put the blame squarely on you so you can be "wrong" (and not him). That is very difficult though because then you are in a position to confront him about a negative behavior - he's either distorting (erasing the part of the conversation that he no longer, or situationally no longer, agrees with) or lying.  I would be wary though because if he sees he has success with this he could keep doing it more. I can't say for sure though!  

And I must say, on the pants situation, because I've been there, you are better off taking the blame for leaving something in your pants that ended up in the wash if they were in a laundry hamper and you forgot to take the drive out of your pocket. If he just picked up clothes in the wash basket and tried to wash them he is just a last (hopeful) check on things - and this is not a usual chore of his then I'd expect even less in terms of remembering every step. It might relieve you a bit to portion out some blame to him, but you can just check yourself on this and eliminate the problem. He probably did lie to you on this one and put the drive there on the dresser, but I would guess his motivation is to avoid conflict with you as well. That's not ideal, but he must feel like he takes a lot of blame and didn't want it. Lying doesn't help, but that is likely why he did it as I read it. I could be wrong.

So, hard to say, but you may need to reconsider how you are speaking with him. You say you can sometimes come off as controlling and are aware of that and try not to be - that's good. But it sounds like you may still have some work in this area. I know that taking blame and criticism out of the way we speak with our partners can do a lot to make life more calm and easier - the peace you gain here can give you the extra strength you will need for other aspects of dealing with BPD.

For example, last night I needed my h to take care of a backed up sink and a full garbage can while I was cooking. I could have said "I've already asked you twice about this! You never help when I need you to! You never listen or pay attention to me!" Instead I said, "Baby, can you please help with the sink and garbage? It helps me a lot if you can come right away when I ask because I can't do other things when the sink or garbage are full." Then he could say, "Oh yes, I was caught up with something on my computer. I'll come right away baby!" and then we had a more loving moment. He felt like a hero who rushed in to help while also balancing with his stuff. I got the help I needed just in time, and a hug. These are small things, but cutting down on blame and criticism helps people to not feel attacked and blamed and it makes us easier to be around instead of feeling like we are sources of conflict to be avoided.

These are just my two cents. I apologize if I am off on this!

[Heir2theThorn]

Thanks for the 2 cents pearlsw... ."simple lying" versus "gaslighting" is helpful.  Just for clarification/context:

- On the pants situation, I didn't put them in the wash.  He took them from my dressing area (probably well-intentioned initially, just to do laundry, though I didn't want them washed) and deliberately removed the drive from the pocket and spent 3 days telling me he had no idea where it was, berating me for "losing" it, and giving me guilt for "accusing him" of running it through the wash.  He was secretly holding onto it the whole time, until he decided to put it on my dresser.  I asked him to please look me in the eye and tell me honestly what happened, and he said he has no idea what I'm talking about... .he didn't touch it.

- A couple years ago he had a cyber-affair with an ex-girlfriend, which I discovered on his cell phone after becoming suspicious.  At that time I told him I had proof of something and would he please look me in the eye and tell me the truth about what was going on.  He looked me in the eye and insisted nothing was going on, even after I told him I had proof. (Several years before that he attempted a real/physical affair with my best friend, who declined and then told me about it.  At that time he also looked me in the eye and denied it initially, even after I told him I had proof that something had happened.)  This sounds more like simple lying to me, but I'm mentioning it here just for context/history and b/c the calculated lying felt so similar.

[Enabler]

Morning all, I think Pearlsw has a point re simple lying but I also think there's an element of gaslighting here as well. There are 3 types of lies; outright lies, embellishments, and refraining from giving information that someone might well need to make informed decisions. Gaslighting as I understanding is the intentional manipulation of information or the physical environment to manipulate others perception of reality and perception of their own sanity... .I guess this could be as macro as propaganda to a whole nation or as micro as moving furniture around in your home and then claiming it was always that way.

In your examples it seems pretty evident that the core issue is his guilt and shame. I have often said that my uBPDw has an allergy to guilt and shame. I guess she has an aversion to the physical pangs you get from guilt and shame, you know, that sick feeling in your stomach when you know you've done something wrong. If you think about a child, they will often go to enormous lengths to try and avoid guilt and shame, that child who wets the bed and tries to put the bed clothes in the washing machine rather than have his mother make a fuss that he's wet the bed... .he can't deal with the shame. My guess is your husbands emotional immaturity means that he can't cope with the intense feelings of guilt and shame and therefore most likely realised he'd put the drive in the washing machine again, when discovering this he dried out the drive for a couple of days, then tested it, then placed it on the dresser... .Now, why did he attack you? Well, he most likely thought you knew what had happened and he certainly did, so although you couldn't guilt and shame him based on facts (which you didn't have because he had withheld those facts from you), he knew and he felt guilt and shame anyway... .so unfortunately for him his maladapted coping mechanism to avoid guilt and shame (weak and helpless emotions) was ineffective because the guilt and shame didn't go away. He'd now dug himself a hole where the best course of action was to attack (powerful emotions) you and make you feel his guilt and shame (projection) rather than stay in his state of emotional helplessness. Drive returned, nothing to see... .guilt and shame gone.

What it's called doesn't so much matter, he did it to avoid guilt and shame which he has a serious allergy towards. Did his mother or father guilt and shame him? I see a very similar thing with my wife, her mother was a huge fan of blame, shame and guilt... .in fact both of them tend to focus more on avoiding and deflecting guilt and shame by blaming others than actually resolving the issue at hand. I started reading a google books preview of a book called Emotionally Immature Parents which seemed to cover the topic pretty well.

It's very tempting to want to put blame and shame in it's right place and I think that many of us have spent many years carrying the burden of guilt and shame where we thought we were the ones at fault because our SO's told us so... .but thinking about outcomes, what makes both of your lives better and how is it best to deal with his allergy and sensitivity? If he had chronic hayfever you would avoid a cornfield in the heights of summer. What can you do here?

[pearlsw]

Hi again Hier2theThorn, And Hi enabler, thanks very much for your insights on this!

I had a feeling that might another possible scenario! That he decided to "help" and grabbed pants you didn't want to be washed, etc... That adds more. He took the drive out so it wasn't washed after all? Well, there's that at least! I agree with enabler that guilt and shame can be strong factors in our partner's behaviors. There is always a lot to unravel and it is not always so intuitive. 

Are your feelings about the affair still an issue in the relationship or have you both recovered from that? Does it tend to color how you see him/treat him? I am sorry for you pain over this!

[bengaltropicat]

Rent the movie "Gaslight", you'll get it.  My ex was a gaslight pro.  He did it to exert control over me.  I didn't realize it until near the end of a long marriage.  I had never heard of it until a therapist I knew told me.  Here's what he would do:
I'd leave for work and the house would be all clean and orderly.   When I came home there was stuff all over the house.  A couple of times he took motors apart on the dining table and left them there for weeks (I couldn't touch the parts or clear the table for us to eat).  It was just to drive me crazy.  He would relate something I said which I didn't say.  He would make up stories about things I did and I didn't do them.  When I learned about it, I realized that it was something he did continuously and without thinking.  He is very good at it.  Gaslighting undermines your confidence. 
While I'm kind of embarrassed to admit it now, I started to gaslight him during our divorce.  It is a very effective mind control technique.  He had been doing it to me for nearly 30 years.  He could not cope when I did it to him.  He was stalling so it did help bring the divorce to an end.  I had him believing that investigators were hacking into his computer and phone.  He took the electronics to have them scanned and nothing came up.  Told him that I wouldn't hire amateurs, only real pros, that their spyware was state of the art and could not be detected. He couldn't wait to sign the papers after that.  BPD's don't like it when you know what they are up to.  LOL
PS A week after the divorce, he bought a new phone and a new computer. I'm not usually vindictive but I did feel empowered over that. 

[isilme]

Enabler has it "allergic to shame"- even if you don't feel your husband is full on borderline, there seem to be examples of extreme lying to avoid shame to distort reality, to make you question reality, and to make things your fault - otherwise known as gaslighting.  It IS a form of control.  The square peg of your memories must be hammered into the round hole of theirs, or they have to fave being "wrong" and shame from a mistake, feeling silly, feeling embarrassed.   

My BPD parents did this, both of them, and H does this.  The problem is, you can't change their reality, and outright confrontation will just make them back up against a wall and strikeout. 

I usually look at this as a form of triage.  If the situation is rather small - H revising history about small things, like which of us said something funny in a story he's telling, I usually try to let it be.  Meh.  It's not worth a fight.  When he accuses me of something serious because his emotions went off and he can't manage them and needs someone to yell at, or he did soemthing stupid and can't face it and needs it to me my fault instead, I need to set things straight if possible, but NOT DURING A RAGE/SHOUTING event.  At that point, nothing you say will get through and you need to end the rage event by taking a break, ending the conversation by leaving the room or house if you can.  This is not a time where you can use logic or reason to get your point across.

Add to this he seriously DOES seem to ahve a poor memory for the order of events, for words said, whle I ahve a near photographic memory, and given the right prompt can relay word for word a conversation as long as it's moved to long-term memory storage, you can end up with some serious he said/she said arguments. 

Also, one more thing - he may honestly at first forget things if they are spoken - he may need to SEE or READ things for it to "write" better into his brain.  Then, if/when he realizes he messed up, he needs to lash out, because he cannot internalize those feelings.

Find new ways to communicate that go beyond just talking.  If you are talking about a fence for the dog, have printouts of quotes and options to look at together.  The drive - use the Cloud instead 

[Enabler]

He would relate something I said which I didn't say.  He would make up stories about things I did and I didn't do them.  When I learned about it, I realized that it was something he did continuously and without thinking.  He is very good at it.  Gaslighting undermines your confidence. 

Details and facts for a pwBPD are a bit scratchy, feelings = facts. It makes sense that these feelingfacts get jumbled up with factfacts. So its a bit inevitable that he accuses you of things that you've not actually done and said... .well purely because he felt like that's what you said or maybe you having said that would match what he feels happened. It's crazy-making fro sure, malicious I'm not so sure. They totally believe what they're saying and it's been said that it's like coming out of the cinema with your BPD SO and they've been watching a completely different movie!

Gaslighting to me feels like it needs to be intentional. The intentional attempt of someone to manipulate your perception of reality for their betterment or cruel pleasure... .maybe it doesn't have to be intentional or for any cruel intent.

[Graceinaction]

This is my personal opinion on gaslighting, and not based on any books or facts. I've read books, research, papers, websights, and that is what my opinion is based on combined with my own experience.

My husband does the same types of things as your husband. I call it gaslighting, even though it technically isn't. I don't believe that when he begins the lie that he intentionally tries to make me feel crazy, but I do believe that once it does make me start to feel crazy he enjoys it and keeps it going for that reason. Whether he begins it as intentional gaslighting or not, it all ends up the same. He perpetuates the lie because he likes seeing me feel confused/scared/crazy because it's how he feels most of the time. If the roles were reversed I would not be ok with a lie I told doing that to someone I cared about, and I wouldn't be able to keep it going. I would come clean to alleviate the other person's anxiety. Our husbands choose not to.

I decided for myself that because he keeps it going, it is indeed gaslighting in my opinion. My opinion may not carry as much weight as a psychiatrist or LSW or researcher, but in my world it matters. I think dealing with it as gaslighting once they cross the line between lying and letting you think you're crazy makes sense. And it helps me keep a clear head and know that I'm not crazy and I know what reality is.

That's my experience. You can decide for yourself what helps you deal with it. If calling it and handling it like gaslighting makes things better for you, go with it. If handling it as a simple lie helps more, go with that. But with BPD it's rarely as simple as when a narcissist uses gaslighting intentionally. Like everything else it is all twisted up in lies, confusion, control, and child-like behavior. 

[walkinthepark247]

There are 3 types of lies; outright lies, embellishments, and refraining from giving information that someone might well need to make informed decisions.

I think this was a very good explanation. I'll give some examples that I have experienced recently:

Outright lies = My wife really has this ability (desire?) to drive people against each other. She tells me over and over that her mother doesn't like me. At the same time, she tells me over and over that I "hate" her mother. Nothing could be farther from the truth and it starts to wear on me to the point I wonder whether I do "hate" her mother. It also leaves me vulnerable because I constantly wonder what she is telling her mother. I truly have no idea whether her mother "hates" me. We had a very pleasant conversation the last time I saw her.

Embellishments = My wife is always going "I'm going to cancel XYZ". The last time it happened, she told me verbatim that she was going to cancel our appointment with the marriage counselor (which we don't see anymore). I emailed the marriage counselor later in that day and told her I would still be at that meeting. I included my wife on that email. I didn't mention the fact that my wife had told me earlier in the day that she was going to cancel (because I'm such a rotten / horrible human being). When we got to the meeting, she spun it that "oh, I though maybe we should reschedule the meeting". She was adamant that this was all she said. It was clearly in an effort to try to make me look unstable and untrustworthy.

refraining from giving information = My wife often withholds pertinent information. When I contact her to ask about that information, she says "see, and you say I'm the crazy one". Or, she'll tell me that she just told me that information. When she says this, it is in an attempt to get me to question my memory. It's not out of genuine concern.

Another example that would fit into a couple of these catagories: I spoke on this board over the summer about an upcoming beach trip with my family. For several weeks, she was flipping about going. She verbatim told me several times that she was not going (No chance in hell). Then, when I would speak to my family about the trip, she would say "see, you're trying to exclude me from the trip". No, you just told me that a) you wanted a divorce and b) you weren't going to the beach.

In each of these instances, I believe there was a conscious decision to try to make me question my sanity / memory. They were often coupled with statements that I needed mental help. "There's something wrong with you".

[isilme]

In each of these instances, I believe there was a conscious decision to try to make me question my sanity / memory. They were often coupled with statements that I needed mental help. "There's something wrong with you".

He perpetuates the lie because he likes seeing me feel confused/scared/crazy because it's how he feels most of the time.

I think this may be as good an explanation as any about this behavior and fits with other things I have observed about wanting me to feel upset if he's upset, or happy if he's happy.

First, I think it's to avoid shame and deny things that have been said or done or shift the blame.

Second, I agree that one thing I've noticed is that H likes to try to drag me into feeling whatever he s feeling.  My having my own thoughts and emotions is somewhat invalidating to him.  If he's angry about anything at all, irritable, cranky, he needs to make sure I am irritable and cranky too.  If he is feeling really disordered, he will want a fight to vent and he can't do that unless he gets me worked up, too, and will poke and poke until it happens if I let it.

So yes, if they feel confused, scared, and/or crazy, they will want to make us feel the same.  It's a weird thing, but I feel that once we are "privileged" enough to be allowed to see this side of them, once Mr. Hyde has come out to play, we have been absorbed into them in a way.  We are now an appendage, a "safe" part of them that can take on all the negative feelings they have inside - and so those are spewed at us when they can't handle them and dysregulate. 

I think the history rewriting, the lying, and embellishing all may initially start as shame avoidance.  But then I also agree now that I've read two others write it, that trying to make us feel as confused as they often must feel can also be a part of the equation.  Throw in the fact that if we are kept off balance, they may feel like they have the upper hand at that time - it makes a little more sense.  H resents at times that I am, well, more "adulty" that he manages to be.  On some level, he knows I can manage wihtout him, but doubts he can manage without me, and he hates feeling that way (I try to not enforce it, but he makes choices to ignore things he doens't want to do, and I don't).  He does not like that I can manage the bills, a job, pretty much all around the house and yard, AND still try to help him with things his poor executive control misses.  So I know he likes to take me down a peg, to dispute my supposedly perfect memory (never claimed it's perfect, just better than average), and he needs to bring me down to feel he is on par. 

[Graceinaction]

It's a weird thing, but I feel that once we are "privileged" enough to be allowed to see this side of them, once Mr. Hyde has come out to play, we have been absorbed into them in a way.  We are now an appendage, a "safe" part of them that can take on all the negative feelings they have inside - and so those are spewed at us when they can't handle them and dysregulate. 

This is an amazing way to explain it, and makes so much sense!

[Enabler]

Hmm yes I agree, very well described. You've managed to pull together many bits and bobs there and summarise them nicely. Thank you.

The points about them wanting you to feel much the same way that they feel inside is very interesting... .a problem shared and all. "If I can make everyone around me come to my level then I might not feel quite so out of control!"

[Heir2theThorn]

Thanks all who replied; this has been super helpful.  Lots of good information, but in particular I can relate to the idea of a spouse starting off with a "simple lie" but then keeping it going b/c they enjoy seeing that it makes you feel crazy... .that description seems to fit. 

[Enabler]

I posted something elsewhere on the board today and feel it has some relevance re the gradual movement of responsibility from them to us. Gaslighting and even the lies are subtle... .well they are subtle until you're fully aware of them and then they're just ridiculous, but as you say "once we are "privileged" enough to be allowed to see this side of them, once Mr. Hyde has come out to play" you can see the lies and gaslighting so much more clearly.

So why did we not see it before? My conclusions are that my love for her is real, I believe her love for me was real and we shared the same reality and ability to cognisise the same reality. I play football on a wednesday night, I have certain expectations of the people I play football with... .they know the rules, they know where the ball is and they wouldn't intentionally hurt me whilst we're playing. I had an understanding that my wife loved me and that in our partnership we would not lie to each other, I couldn't understand that her interpretation of obvious facts would be different nor could I comprehend that her perception of facts would change with her emotional state. In short, I wasn't expecting her to lie and manipulate therefore I took her accusations and her fabrications as fact and something I should listen to rather than for what they were... .total tosh. It's hugely liberating being released from those expectations, as though someone has taken a blindfold off. Just yesterday I noticed 2 completely unnecessary lies, small and totally fruitless:

"I don't look  at Facebook very often at all, in fact I reckon I last looked at it a week ago" - so why is it whenever I check facebook and it shows the last time other people have viewed FB on the right hand side it always says your name and 2h ago?

"I haven't spoken to her in ages and rarely ever see her" - this person told me she speaks to you all the time and I see you active on whatsap constantly with her

Just pointless... .

[pearlsw]

Okay, this interesting. Now that folks have sketched this out a bit what could be a response to this? What can one do about it? Thoughts?

[Enabler]

I asked myself the question... .why do I need to respond? Why do I need to put the narrative right? The answer is that I don't and actually attempting to correct the narrative = conflict and conflict = reward. The lies and the attempts to manipulate are clues and signals... .the signals are invaluable in working out what is going on. I now absorb the information given in the clues, avoid triggering the shame response (which is more powerful than any rational reasoning) and have faith in my own narrative.

[pearlsw]

Hi Enabler, Oh, I hear ya! I never clung onto reality so hard until I was in this kind of situation!

[isilme]

Yeah - you don't need to respond or correct in each and every instance.  Sometimes, it's fine to just ignore it, say, "yes, dear," and mover on with your day.  Conflict averted.

H's grandmother went through some pretty sad delusions as her dementia increased and her reality skewed farther and farther away from the rest of us.  His mother, who sadly has her own BPD-related fleas, insisted on fighting with her to "prove" her wrong.  It just made them both mad and was a waste of time in my opinion.  I found ways to respond to the grandmother that did not make me feel I was either lying nor advocating her new reality.

She insisted in I lived in a fancy railroad car.  She was obsessed with the idea her late husband was coming to marry her and take her away on a train.  She asked me once if I had a microwave in my train-car, since it was so small.  H heard me truthfully reply that while our kitchen was small, we managed to make space for a microwave.  Most of the time, you could avert her distress and outbursts by picking and choosing when she needed to be reigned in.

I see this as no different.  Some days, it really does not matter if H feels he needs to say he's "never" on social media, or he's"always" worked full time, whatever.  Others, when he is accusing me actively of something, I need to find ways to set the record straight.  It's a case by case basis. 

Also, if you don't react to the fibs and exaggerations, or you give them a vanilla pudding bland response, sometimes, they simply stop. 

[Enabler]

Agree isilme. Like a cat backed into a corner, when a pwBPD feels threatened the lies will start flooding out. There is zero upside in fighting this unless you want to perpetuate the situation. By moving on swiftly "yes dear", emotions are likely to return to baseline... .you know the truth, he/she knows the truth and you can isolate the illness rather than the person. It's sad... .but it's reality. Like your MIL found out, fighting someone else's reality is rarely fruitful. Interesting video at the bottom of this page which describes why:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy