What am I responsible for?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi, everyone.  I am here because memories of BPD-ex (diagnosed) have pushed me to look at family of origin stuff.  I cut the cord between myself and BPD-ex over twenty years ago by moving away from home state to attend college in another region. As my curiosity about BPD-ex persists, it has occurred to me that I didn't just leave him when I moved.  I also abandoned chaos associated with family of origin.  Is it possible these memories I'm having of my last year with him in home state are a big red arrow directing me to look more closely at everything that was going on with me before I left?  I am not in touch with BPD-ex, nor do I believe I want to be.  I am in touch with parents and siblings and have many questions about my relationships with them.  What and whom am I responsible for?

I grew up in a rural and impoverished part of the U.S.  I remember, as a much younger person, feeling horrified by possibility I could end up pregnant and dependent on an abuser (BPD-ex?) with dismal prospects?  Thankfully, that wasn't my fate.  I moved on, eventually met the man who became my husband, got a degree in a field I love, and the two of us have established ourselves in a small city that we both like living in very much. It's here that I've been able to shed what I thought was chronic depression, find friends and do interesting work.  No kids by choice and chance.  The one thing this place lacks for me is sense of being part of a family/having extended family and roots nearby.  This is something I feel sad about. 

I feel guilty about leaving.  My parents are divorced.  My dad has done OK, remarried and is stable-seeming.  But my mom who lives alone has struggled with relationships.  There are estrangements and family members I'm "not allowed" to have contact with because of feuds.  When I think about either of my parents I see loneliness and feel heartbreak.  I feel lonely on behalf of both of them because their kids & grandkids all live away and don't visit (except for me who visits annually).  And I feel heartbroken for myself because extended family feels distant and fragmented.  I have OK relationships with individuals in my family I care about, but there is a lack of constancy and closeness, feeling part of a familial group.

Did I have a role to play in mediating family conflict that I failed to play by moving away?  (If I had stayed, might my mom be more stable?  She has become more difficult.)  Did I "inspire" sibs to leave by being first to leave?  Do I have a role to play in mediating family conflict now?  Do I need to go back there to resolve something?  If so, what?  And if I did, what would that mean for my marriage and everything I've created here?  Am I even asking the right questions?  Lastly, what kind of care will each of my parents need from me as they age and become less independent and will I need to go there to provide it?

My goal is to more fully detach from BPD-ex/address what needs addressing/and figure out for myself what I need in terms of love and family relationships.  Thoughts?

[Insom]

Hi, everyone.  I am here because memories of BPD-ex (diagnosed) have pushed me to look at family of origin stuff.  I cut the cord between myself and BPD-ex over twenty years ago by moving away from home state to attend college in another region. As my curiosity about BPD-ex persists, it has occurred to me that I didn't just leave him when I moved.  I also abandoned chaos associated with family of origin.  Is it possible these memories I'm having of my last year with him in home state are a big red arrow directing me to look more closely at everything that was going on with me before I left?  I am not in touch with BPD-ex, nor do I believe I want to be.  I am in touch with parents and siblings and have many questions about my relationships with them.  What and whom am I responsible for?

I grew up in a rural and impoverished part of the U.S.  I remember, as a much younger person, feeling horrified by possibility I could end up pregnant and dependent on an abuser (BPD-ex?) with dismal prospects?  Thankfully, that wasn't my fate.  I moved on, eventually met the man who became my husband, got a degree in a field I love, and the two of us have established ourselves in a small city that we both like living in very much. It's here that I've been able to shed what I thought was chronic depression, find friends and do interesting work.  No kids by choice and chance.  The one thing this place lacks for me is sense of being part of a family/having extended family and roots nearby.  This is something I feel sad about. 

I feel guilty about leaving.  My parents are divorced.  My dad has done OK, remarried and is stable-seeming.  But my mom who lives alone has struggled with relationships.  There are estrangements and family members I'm "not allowed" to have contact with because of feuds.  When I think about either of my parents I see loneliness and feel heartbreak.  I feel lonely on behalf of both of them because their kids & grandkids all live away and don't visit (except for me who visits annually).  And I feel heartbroken for myself because extended family feels distant and fragmented.  I have OK relationships with individuals in my family I care about, but there is a lack of constancy and closeness, feeling part of a familial group.

Did I have a role to play in mediating family conflict that I failed to play by moving away?  (If I had stayed, might my mom be more stable?  She has become more difficult.)  Did I "inspire" sibs to leave by being first to leave?  Do I have a role to play in mediating family conflict now?  Do I need to go back there to resolve something?  If so, what?  And if I did, what would that mean for my marriage and everything I've created here?  Am I even asking the right questions?  Lastly, what kind of care will each of my parents need from me as they age and become less independent and will I need to go there to provide it?

My goal is to more fully detach from BPD-ex/address what needs addressing/and figure out for myself what I need in terms of love and family relationships.  Thoughts?

[gotbushels]

Hi Insom  

Well done in moving toward exploring your FOO stuff. I think it can be a difficult step and it takes some courage to look at. It can feel much easier to continue with the previous ways that we handled relationships.

It could be possible that the feelings and thoughts that you experience in the memories with your ex are leading you to question your role. Simply, a relationship involves two people, and when some searching of our partners is done, it makes sense to look at ourselves too. I think that helps us with current relationships we may have as well as any we look forward to in the future.

I do think it makes sense that not having a close FOO member nearby is something that may cause us to feel sad. I spend quite some time away from my FOO members and thinking of the duration makes me feel sad. Of course, if many people around me have apparently healthy FOOs, and I don't think I have that, then it sometimes causes me to feel sad too.

It's interesting that you describe yourself as feeling lonely on behalf of your parents. If an FOO is fragmented, I think it's quite normal to expect that there's an absence of constancy of relationships and closeness. If you don't see a family member regularly, then it's not going to be constantly keeping in touch. So no feeling of constancy.

I think there's quite a lot of issues you'd like to work through. Beyond the board, I hope you can look at working with a T or P to supplement your exploration here. I do think it will be beneficial to you.

As to what you're responsible for, I do cautiously suggest that you're responsible for behaving in a way that's consistent with your values and beliefs. I would consider that you're neither responsible for the life of your parents, nor your siblings. I think it could help to distinguish between feelings of love, feelings of care, feelings of obligation, as well as the idea of responsibility.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Insom,

I can relate to a lot of what you've written in your post. And I very much understand your questions. I struggle with them, too.

My FOO dynamic has led me to tend to take responsibility for things that are not "mine" to deal with, for example, my parents' and family members' feelings and choices. At times it has been difficult for me to detangle what is "mine" and what is, for example, my mother's, as we have had a close relationship all my life.

I have moved to a small town to the family home in part because my mother is aging, alone,  and has had health problems the last few years. I wanted to try out a different lifestyle and be here as a support. There are many good things about my decision. But there are times when I ask myself how much my staying here is related to feelings of FOG, unhealthy dynamics, etc.  It's a balancing act and it requires me to be very honest with myself about my motivations and needs.

When I was in therapy after my breakup, my therapist and I did touch on some of these dynamics. I needed to be reminded (and still do) that I'm not responsible for the loneliness or difficulties of my parent(s). And yet, I want to be there for my family. I think it really helps to get an objective, outside view on this, even if your gut tells you that you want to take action toward improving your family dynamic.

You are not responsible for your parents' choices or the state of their lives. Wanting to support them, be there for them, etc., is healthy and caring, in my view. But, as gotbushels has alluded to, doing that from a place of autonomy and making the choice based on your values is miles away from doing it from a place of anxiety, guilt, or obligation.

heartandwhole

[Insom]

Gotbushels and heartandwhole, thank you for your thoughtful replies.

Getting into therapy has interested me for awhile but the cost and process of finding the right person have felt daunting.  Also, the open-ended and very long term relationships some people seem to have with therapists (therapy that goes on for years) scare me.  How do you know when you're done?  Is is appropriate to set a time limit before you get started?  What is a good amount of time to work with someone?

It's my sense there's an insight I need to have or behavior I need to change to be able to detach from this stuff in my past but I just don't know how to access it.  And that getting it has something to do with understanding what I want or being able to articulate what I want and that's something that has felt hard for me to do in a true or deep way.  Can therapy help with this?

I hope/believe there is a possible, satisfying future for me here in the place I've chosen, or perhaps another place.  While there are certainly arrows/thoughts pointing me "back home."  But I don't feel called to go there to live as of today.  Do I really need dish myself up another helping of abuse to learn my lesson?  Or is there another way forward?

FWIW, since turning my focus inward to look at this painful family stuff, my thoughts about BPD-ex have subsided.  I just don't care what he thinks about any of this nor want him near me while I deal with it even though he played an important role in me creating space for myself in problematic relationship with parent. 

I do cautiously suggest that you're responsible for behaving in a way that's consistent with your values and beliefs.

Thank you, I will think on this.

And this . . .

You are not responsible for your parents' choices or the state of their lives. Wanting to support them, be there for them, etc., is healthy and caring, in my view. But, as gotbushels has alluded to, doing that from a place of autonomy and making the choice based on your values is miles away from doing it from a place of anxiety, guilt, or obligation.

[Pretty Woman]

Insom,
  This is a great post! I think you are already delving deeper into yourself and trying to find answers for your own closure, and that is a good thing. You are very self-aware and that takes time, practice and sometimes many life experiences (good and bad).

Yes, our childhood and family experiences have a strong influence on who we become, how we tolerate/deal with specific life situations tossed at us.

No one on here is going to be able to provide you with a definitive answer on what you should do. You have "free will" and whatever you choose will be the right decision for you, at that specific time. There is no wrong answer. It will always be how you interpret the situation.
 

From my own experience, I have learned to trust my gut. If the timing isn't right, it isn't right. I have revisited things at different stages of my life and based my feelings at that time.

In my situation, a few years ago I stopped talking to my mother. At that time, it was healthy for me. It was right after the break with my ex and I was seeing a lot of similarities between them, how she spoke to me, how she blamed me in my 40's for things I did when I was 8, 10yrs old. I felt ganged up on, beat up when I really needed love. Not to be trite but I needed a hug, I needed to hear "I love you" and how special I was.

I did not get that. I had to give that to myself through looking at everything I have accomplished in my life. Things I have done without the assistance or support of others.
Hell, I really did pretty good!  

Today, I can deal with my mother. I limit contact and I don't engage in any dialogue that begins to put blame on me for something in the past. I am polite, I don't explode on her as I have in the past. If she continues to try to pluck my feathers, I block her for awhile. I don't see it as "childish" I see it as critical to my self-preservation.

I cannot promise I will not speak with my mother in the future. I have no way of predicting that. All I know is I have a CHOICE. If it feels good and I am happy, that's great. If it makes me unhappy, I think on it and try to see where I fall in the situation, am I being too sensitive, etc., assess and then make the decision... .

For myself.

Many of us are innately "people pleasers" we don't want to hurt others. That is actually an admirable trait and we should be good to others, share the wealth and love where we can... .
but not at the expense of our own well-being.

If we don't give care to ourselves first we are no good to anyone else. That's the truth!

[heartandwhole]

Getting into therapy has interested me for awhile but the cost and process of finding the right person have felt daunting.  Also, the open-ended and very long term relationships some people seem to have with therapists (therapy that goes on for years) scare me.  How do you know when you're done?  Is is appropriate to set a time limit before you get started?  What is a good amount of time to work with someone?

Depending on what kind of therapy you are interested in, you don't have to go on and on for years. Unless you choose to. My therapist didn't even want to dig around into the past too much, she was very goal focused and preferred dealing with the here and now. She was also very open to me coming when I felt the need, as opposed to a regular schedule (although I did go regularly at the beginning). Since it was a big expense for me, too, I asked her if she had a reduced rate (she often worked with couples, so that her fee divided by two wasn't off the charts, but for one person it was high), and she did.

Also, some therapists give free initial consultations, or at least at a reduced rate, so that you can both see if the therapy might be a good fit. I'm really glad I did it. Having an objective, knowledgeable, and caring person help me through my grief was a great investment. 

heartandwhole

[livednlearned]

Hi Insom,

The one thing this place lacks for me is sense of being part of a family/having extended family and roots nearby.  This is something I feel sad about.

When you think about what you yearn for, is it something you remember having before? Or is the desire for something you never had, but would like to have?

I feel guilty about leaving... .When I think about either of my parents I see loneliness and feel heartbreak.  I feel lonely on behalf of both of them... .

You are kind and caring, and want your parents to be ok, emotionally and psychologically.  

One of the things that can happen in dysfunctional families is that the parent-child role gets inverted. Instead of our parents validating our emotions, the opposite occurs. We feel responsible for how our parents feel. Is that something that is happening with you and your parents?

Did I have a role to play in mediating family conflict that I failed to play by moving away?  (If I had stayed, might my mom be more stable?  She has become more difficult.)  :)id I "inspire" sibs to leave by being first to leave?  :)o I have a role to play in mediating family conflict now?  :)o I need to go back there to resolve something?  If so, what?  And if I did, what would that mean for my marriage and everything I've created here?  Am I even asking the right questions?  Lastly, what kind of care will each of my parents need from me as they age and become less independent and will I need to go there to provide it?

I believe I moved away because the distance was essential if I wanted to develop a healthy self. I would never have described it that way at the time, but now that I'm ready to look more closely at my choices, I can see that's what I was doing. Taking care of myself (when others were not equipped to do so).

That impulse to protect yourself, or grow, or get healthy can kind of go pffffft and get stale if things are more or less ok in your new life. Now that you are feeling stable, could you be feeling that you have the necessary strength to get to the bottom of things?  

I notice that the questions you ask are kinda like a moratorium on your goodness or badness in making decisions that can't be undone. A yes or no answer would either add to or alleviate guilt. Does that seem right?

There is a good book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents that might be a useful place to explore the feelings you have. Many of us took on much more adult responsibilities for what were often emotionally immature parents, and we develop an oversized sense of importance about our role in their well-being that can be psychologically crippling.

I know for myself that the sadness and longing to be close to my family (who were never close and were in fact abusive and codependent) has changed after learning how to truly take care of myself.

Therapy has helped a lot. I'm not sure a psychologist would agree with this, but it seems to me that there are two basic approaches to therapy. One is psychoanalytical, and gets to the root of the core wound, takes many years, and can be very powerful, especially if you are motivated and able to bear witness to your own pain in the presence of someone else. The other is some variation of cognitive behavioral therapy, which is more skills based. Whoever you see, it's important that you connect with them.

If therapy isn't an option, the skills discussed on the Improving and Parenting boards apply to any and all relationships. While we can get away a little easier without these skills in non-abusive relationships, they are still highly effective and can bring a lot of peace and emotional maturity into all of your relationships, including with yourself.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you may be searching for relationship skills that will give you the confidence to more clearly see your role in your family, and how that has defined your relationship with them (and yourself), in a way that allows you to feel protected and emotionally safe, whether you live close by or far.

 

[Insom]

Thanks for the thoughts, everyone.  I don't always respond right away because participating here is emotional for me and I don't always know what to say but want to let you all know how much I appreciate your feedback. 

[Insom]

Hi again.  Things are happening so I thought I'd share this update with you.

•  I had a nice chat with one of my sibs over the weekend.  Sibs and I aren't close but I started reaching out to one of them last April by initiating light contact, "thinking of you", now and then.  Hadn't gotten much back until Sunday when sib sought me out for a real conversation about what's going on with mom.  This created a feeling of connection for me and confirmed that I'm not alone.  Also confirmed that FOO problems are real.  (We both feel like parents to our parents.)

•  Was able to say out loud to husband that I am feeling sad due to holidays and family stuff.  This may not sound like a big deal, but to me it is a big step toward being more real.  I hope over time actions like this will help me better understand what I want/what direction I want my life to go in instead of denying even thinking about what I want in service to fixing things for others.  I'm not saying I don't want to be of service, because i do very much want to live a helpful, connected life, but I hope I'm getting a better idea of how to do that that isn't self-abnegating. 

•  Thanks, Pretty Woman and heartandwhole, for sharing your stories about your moms.  I found both of them quite interesting and helpful to hear about.  It's becoming ever more clear to me that my choice to be in relationship with BPD-ex was a response to what was going on in family at the time (when I was a teen).  Thoughts and feelings about BPD-ex are still present and fluctuate between wanting to reach out to him and feeling repelled at concept reaching out - which is exactly how I feel about the idea going home to "mediate conflict" within family of origin - drawn to the concept, curious about it, and also horrified by prospect.

•  In another thread I asked the question, how might BPD-ex might react to me reaching out to him?  Someone here (Skip, I think) turned the question around and asked me how I'd want him to react, what kind of a reaction was I wanting?  I couldn't answer this at first - just being asked the question felt very, very confusing to me - but I've given it some thought and can say now that what I'm craving is acknowledgment.  He and I went through an intense series of experiences together over a period of years when we were both very young.  My way of coping until very recently was to just pretend that a lot of that stuff didn't happen; to pretend I came from a healthy family; pretend I didn't experience abuse at his hand; pretend I was healthy, and just move on with building my life.  And while in some ways denial truly worked as a strategy for me in getting on with life,  In other ways it has left me stuck.

I'd love to exchange acknowledgement with this person.  I want to acknowledge to him that I remember what happened between us, that he was an important person to me and that I wish him well.  And I'd love for that acknowledgment to be reciprocated similarly.  I don't know if it's possible to get this.  I don't want a relationship with this person, nor do I want to be in an ongoing correspondence with him.   Is it realistic for me to get what I want in this situation?  if not, is there something else I can get to provide the relief from "remembering" that I am seeking?  (I don't want to forget him, but would prefer to think about him less.)

•  Thanks to all for your support around seeking out therapy.  I think it's a great idea.  It's on my radar to consider planning for this in the coming year.  Thanks also, livednlearned, for recommending "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents."  My library has it so I can check it out this week.