Did they ever say "don't fall in love with me" or similar

[Depression = 72% of members]

I had one girl tell me she was incapable of love, which at the time i thought was very strange, and another say she said don't fall in love with me, but in like an twisted way.
Like to hear your thoughts

[lucky013]

I had one girl tell me she was incapable of love, which at the time i thought was very strange, and another say she said don't fall in love with me, but in like an twisted way.
Like to hear your thoughts

[insideoutside]

Not those words no, but I heard that us being friends wasn’t a good idea a hell of a lot; when the ST kicked in and he came crawling back I’d hear ‘I’m no good for you’ many times as he knew he had hurt me.  My  friend was aware that his issues were harming our friendship but he just could not stop the push/pulling and silent treatment. 

[lucky013]

I'm sorry to hear that, I guess my question would be more related to an intimate relationship. Instead of a friendship.
What the situation of your friendship like now?

[insideoutside]

I'm sorry to hear that, I guess my question would be more related to an intimate relationship. Instead of a friendship.
What the situation of your friendship like now?

Dead in the water; after a huge arguement about his conflicting thoughts and pushing me away for the umpteenth time I lost it.  A lot of things were said in anger by both parties and we haven’t spoken to one another in nearly 8 months.  He’s cut me out of his life because I stood up for myself and called him delusional and a narcissist.  I’m sad and miss him but he caused me anxiety so at least I’ve had 8 months of no drama.

[Tired_Dad]

She did, but not to the extent needed to actually scare me off.

She portrayed herself as having depression and being in treatment and on medication. Otherwise she was wonderful and that made me think that she had her situation under control.

Little did I know that I was only in the idealization phase and that soon it would be a constant push pull dynamic and 15 years later I'm wondering if I should have just listened to her.

[once removed]

I had one girl tell me she was incapable of love, which at the time i thought was very strange, and another say she said don't fall in love with me

these statements and others like them are statements of emotional unavailability. in fact, theyre about as honest and vulnerable as someone can be.

how did you respond?

[Turkish]

these statements and others like them are statements of emotional unavailability. in fact, theyre about as honest and vulnerable as someone can be.

That's a good way to put it.  My ex told me she was still stuck on her ex bf, whom she wanted to marry  (there was one in-between which was a self punishing r/s... .she ended up getting an RO on him).

I believed her,  but I also believed in love,  which in retrospect wasn't a mature belief on my part. What does that even mean anyway? The first time she told me she loved me,  it sounded like she was forcing it out of herself despite herself.

My take away would be to respect the feelings of anyone in the future who communicated thusly,  and move on.  

[heartandwhole]

My take away would be to respect the feelings of anyone in the future who communicated thusly,  and move on.  

This is my takeaway, too.

lucky013, I didn't have the exact words, but I was told that no relationship had lasted beyond a few months, which was a bit concerning. I chose to ignore it.

heartandwhole

[salvage]

Interspersed with love bombing there we moments where I heard such things as below:

"I push people away".  My response well you have a choice but if you push me away I will go.

"you don't want to marry me"  - please note I didn't bring up marriage... .she did
"I'm not easy to live with".
"If we lived together and it didn't work out what then?"
"I'm not a good person".

during that time I didn't take her at her "word"... .I thought it was a self esteem thing... .Upon reflection it did seem these statements were genuine... .and either her way of removing herself from any responsibility (ie i told you) or perhaps a part of her trying to warn me.

Who knows... .only she knows the truth of what she meant when she said it or if she meant it... .

All I can say is my experience was genuine, real and ultimately horrifically painful.

[Danny_99]

She said: "Let's see how long you can handle me"

Challenge accepted.

Wish I never accepted it. xD

[SummerStorm]

When I told my ex-friend that I was falling for her, she told me, "I destroy people.  Walk away.  Don't be an idiot."  Really should have taken her advice... .

Of course, I instead interpreted it as low self-esteem and her trying to push me away.  But really, in a moment of clarity, she was warning me and trying to save me. 

Most of the time, when she told stories about her exes, they were completely in the blame.  But once, she told a story in which, although the guy had done some bad things, she was the one who sounded like a complete crazy person.  She ended that story with, "He was living with me at the time."  Looking back, I think about how revealing that was.   

[Duffer09]

At about 3 months in as I got more frustrated with the push/pull, she said "I don't think you have the bandwidth to love me".  It wasn't until I saw her angry outbursts and silent treatments over minor issues did I really understand what she meant.  She kept testing me until finally I walked away for good. 

[papayagirl]

"I'm going to hurt you"/ "I have the potential to hurt you"
"I'm a mess... .you need to stay as far away from me as you can"
"Run don't walk"
"You need to understand that this is going to keep happening"
"I'm going to absolutely tear you apart"

These are all things he said to me. But in my mind, since he couldn't help it, since he didn't want to actually hurt me, maybe I could be so amazing that I could stop it.
I couldn't. He did all of the above.

[Wolfsocks]

My ex partner told me many years ago when she was quite young that she was incapable of maintaining a relationship. I should have believed her... .

[Tired_Dad]

At about 3 months in as I got more frustrated with the push/pull, she said "I don't think you have the bandwidth to love me".  It wasn't until I saw her angry outbursts and silent treatments over minor issues did I really understand what she meant.  She kept testing me until finally I walked away for good. 

Mine has started saying something similar. Stating that "You can't handle me" when she is dis-regulated and unable to balance herself out. I have found that it is useless to state that it is more that she can't handle herself as opposed to me not being able to handle her.

I think that in many ways this is them fearing abandonment so much that they are actively killing the relationship by putting the blame out in the middle somewhere. By saying that we can't handle them is not directly putting a blame on us, but on our ability to handle a their emotions which they often don't control themselves.

[jo19854]

She once said " run away from me as fast as you can because i will ruin your life". After picking her up and helping to get all her operations and chemo she delivered her promise. She left when i was at work almost 4 years ago, took a plane and my wife dissapeared and i have never heard from her ever again. She delivered what she promised and indeed destroyed me. Still fighting every day with the facts.

[hereforthefood]

I'm sorry to say that I heard the same things twenty years ago.  She would tell me she couldn't be loved, that she would only make me miserable, etc.  Then there were days where she would have me "promise" that I wouldn't leave her.  Looking at how she continues to treat me, I certainly wish I listened to her and never progressed.  It's been twenty years of torture and only seems to be getting worse.  I feel hopeless.

[Juan Pablo]

Things I heard

"Hang on, it will be a wild ride" ... .I had no idea how true that would be

"Everyone always abandons me" ... .now I know why

"I'm hard to love" ... .you're not hard to love, you're hard to live with

[Harley Quinn]

Yes. 

Get out, save yourself.
You don't deserve this.
I'm trying to protect you.  Leave me.
Get as far away as you can and don't look back.
You need to run from me.

What does this tell us?  About our ex and about ourselves?  Why was it easier for me to disregard these statements which were spoken in anguish and turn my attention more fully on saving him than myself?

[unicorn2014]

I would say take what they are saying at face value and look for someone else.

[truthbeknown]

sort of:

mine said:  " my dad said (ex husbands name) saved his life by getting out of the relationship and away from the family"

"i don't want to hurt you... ."   (kept saying this the last week we were together)  -  yep she hurt me!

"I think I'm entitled; it sort of runs in the family"

" My name- I think i'm full of myself"   Yes shes a perfect blend of BPD/narc.     I tell my counselor she is like a "sweet narcissist" / whatever that means-  I think it means that no matter how much she said these things, i felt like she was just a misguided child and somehow I could stay grounded for her.

in response to this I said, "there is a book that talks about turning princes into frogs called the 'Queens Code', maybe you should read it?"   her reply, "yep that's what i do (says cutely) but i don't need to read it I probably could have written it."  ( she also has a superiority complex- after dumping her therapist she said, "i should be a therapist- all you have to do is listen to peoples drama."

I just can't explain how she can say all these things with a sort of childlike cuteness that always would lower my defenses.  It was typically very difficult for me to get mad at her- that's what sucked me in.
still miss her cuteness even though she was deviant. 

[Stripey77]

 

Ohhhhh I could give you a whole list.

These are all following the first break up... .


"You should forget me and hate me" (I heard this one on several occasions).

"My brain is injured... .maybe you could heal it."

"It's complicated... ."  (following another 'you should forget me and hate me' comment).

"I can't even explain it to myself" (following the 'injured brain' text conversation).

"Everything about me is wrong... .lots of things" (part of the 'injured brain' text conversation).

"I don't want to cheat you".

"I don't deserve you (because of how I've treated you)."

"I am not your happiness. I want you to find your happiness".

":)on't touch me, I'm evil"

"Are you sure?" (when I told him he was the love of my life)

[soonbefree]

"I don't know what is going on in my brain"

"You are amazing, go have fun with other blokes"

"I am a weird person so sorry you have met me"

"I am not the one you are supposed to be with"

[truthbeknown]

"I don't know what is going on in my brain"

"You are amazing, go have fun with other blokes"

"I am a weird person so sorry you have met me"

"I am not the one you are supposed to be with"

I had forgotten I got the first one you put up here too!

I think they accept that they are broken but the APATHY to do anything about it is what trips my trigger! And yet I don't know how many times she labeled others addicts from her ex husband to an ex friend and finally on our last sexual encounter- ME!   Yep that's how I knew we were done.  Once she finally gave me that label I knew in her mind that she would be pushing me away for good and using that as her new evidence for the next person/ (friend or lover). 

[Stripey77]

Look how similar some of the remarks are.  It still makes me shake my head after all this time, it is so fascinating, so life changing to be on the receiving end of and so utterly, utterly sad for all concerned.  I find the 'brain' comments the saddest, I feel so sorry for these people despite the heinous pain they've caused- and believe me I know all about that.  But there are some common themes running through here.

In the case of my ex at least, it's very clear to me that he knows there's something very wrong with him, but he does't know what it is, and he blankets it all in a ever deepening downward spiral of functioning alcoholism and drug taking. We, the ex lover and an increasing number of ex friends are watching this unfold. The man who reached out to me to ask for help seems to have disappeared from existence, and he has gone on to cause more misery and broken friendships. He can't seem to see that the common denominator is in fact, him. Although I suspect he knows deep down and I am pretty sure that the person he actually despises is not me, but himself.

I can't imagine what it must be like to be inside their minds even for a day and have the self awareness to be able to say "my brain is injured"... .but not be able to articulate what that actually means.

When I think of my the things my ex said to me, I have so so often thought of Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' video. Remember when MJ's character was transforming into the werewolf and tries to warn off his date, telling her to get away from him? He was trying to save her because he knew something he was hiding a dreadful secret and was about to transform into the 'other' him.

My ex told me on several occasions, whilst almost imploring me but grabbing my hand and wanting to be close to me, that I should forget him and hate him. Those were the words he used.

I think he was, in effect, telling me to get out and save myself.

[truthbeknown]

Stripey,

In reading your remarks, I too believe mine was trying to warn me to get out.  Unfortunately, I just talked to an ex friend of hers (who still sees her occassionally because she has issues about being addicted to people) that my exBPDgf probably did sleep with her old bf that she claimed didn't want her before.  What's strange is after she got off of her meds she changed into a person that is almost like a wild animal.  She fooled me after her heart attack and I thought that was her "wake up call" instead she had sex with me and then it seemed to have possibly caused something to awaken a sex addiction in her.  Looking back I think i knew this because she projected it onto me. 

Not being sure, I consulted with two of my friends that are psychic/intuitive.   One said she thought she did sleep with someone or several men the last few weeks i was in town and the other said, "no i think she has thought about it and is pretending like she has by inviting men over to her house but i don't think she actually did the act."

Whether she did or not, I feel like she warned me by saying, "I don't know why you want to be with me" and "i don't want to hurt you." 
The nail in the coffin was "are you a sex addict or love addict?"   

I don't know what information is correct but i now am tortured by the thought of her possibly juggling me as one of her sex partners the last two weeks we were together.  Because I didn't live with her it would be easy for her to do. 

Sorry for this long response and i might post it somewhere else I just am hurting with this new news.