Dear all. It's difficult to start this writing as I am young, independent woman, capable of sorting everything our by myself. For the first time in my life I'm standing in front of something, that left me... .Clueless.
My love of two years is showing obvious signs of huge emotional issues. Let me tell you something about him. He is very successful businessman, a manager in hospitality. Hardworking, precise, demanding but fair. In free time he likes to work out, read books, listen to music, cook, travel. He has a wonderful sense of humour and is very sarcastic, able to have a conversation with some real weight as per his intelligence. He is soaking in daily information, news, anything. He is very passionate, caring protective to people that he loves. He loves me, often giving me compliments, is supportive in regards to my career, my family adores him, as most of the people. So, why am I writing this if he is so wonderful? Because there are days when he is not himself.
Our normal day looks like this; we wake up, smile to each other, ask about dreams, ask about the tasks for the day, we hug and kiss and then get ready for work. At work we rock, getting the best results together, wink to each other at small victories. We get home, we cook together, listen to some music, eat, we put on a great movie and open a bottle of fine wine (big wine lovers btw
).
And then... .Some days... .He wakes up as I'm not there. Scrolling his phone for half an hour and rushes out of bed without a word. He listens to his music while getting ready, not even looking at me the whole day, disappear in the afternoon without a word, coming late, no words or barely "hi" going to bed. When I ask him, he is mean. Leave me alone. I'm good. I want to be alone. I'm punished with silence for something that I did not do.
Second case; I wake him up with tons of kisses and prepare his favourite shirt, all is well, he comes from the bathroom and he notices that I'm looking in blank (I'm thinking if I should wear high heels or flats). He looks at me with disgrace "What the ___ is wrong with you, staring in the wall? You are weird." "Nothing love, just thinking about the shoes." He does not believe me, accuses me of wanting his attention. He stays like that for the rest of the day. Then it is on me to try around him for the whole day with being happy and smiling and attentive to get his good mood back. If I - God forbid - decide to be offended because of his behaviour, I'm accused of being melodramatic, oversensitive, you name it. When he calms down, usually after day of two of silent treatment, he apologies as tells me he loves me and that he does not want to fight, but I should be more understanding.
But in this time of silence... .I'm hurting. Ms Perfect. It is killing me. I'm the kind of person who shows him love on every step and he is just taking it and giving back... So little. In his "episodes" he is really going mad; drives unreasonable, drinks too much, he is disrespectful, offensive, completely not capable of empathy or care about anything else but himself. And this on and off moments are too much. He is giving me the best time of my life but on the other hand I've never been so humiliated, unwanted.
I'm used to resolve things, whit conversation, with small steps. I've tried many treatments with him; from being nice and understanding, to showing him my emotions, to tell him what he does not want to hear, to fight him... But lately... .I got scared. Scared for my own sanity. I'm so different. I'm not starting conversation because it can go in wrong direction. I'm quiet. I step back, away. I do not say what I want to say. I'm keeping everything in perfect order so nothing would distract him. I... .I stopped being soft, I stopped leaving him love notes, I've stopped giving him morning kiss, bringing breakfast in bed, inviting him for lunch, dinner, drink, walk, anything. I wait for him to tell what he would like to do and then I adjust.
I know, I see that, I know it should not be like that but I just can not find the force to fight that. Losing him in the process. I believe in good in him. And he has a good hart and would never hurt anyone, but somehow he is just not himself. And the worst part it, that neither am I. We are this perfect figure in public, this crazy successful, handsome couple which is just living the dream. But this dream of mine... .I can not understand how can I love somebody, who terrifies me.
I came to this world in the hands of physically abusive father. And it took long, very long time and very long debates with myself, to grow into a healthy, strong woman. I just wanted to be happy. And here I am again, in the circle where somebody else is more important then myself. How is it possible that I understand everything in theory, but I just can't implement it in my life. I'm not here, searching for a magical answer which will resolve everything. I just need to know, that I'm not... .Crazy. Or if I am; I can take the criticism.
Thank you, dear all, for letting me leave here some of the heaviness, that I carry.
