She has warned me not to call her again and her family is ignoring me

[jackandrabbit]

Hi everyone!
I got into relationship with this girl one year back. She was amazing back then and with a very bad past. I tried to be as good for her as i could be. So much so that she used to call me a dream guy. I did everything that a girl can think of. Everything was happy happy. Our families knew that we were together. We were pursuing the same career. We started living in and i was the person to take her virginity. We went to places and i helped her in winters and even gave food to her.

Later after living in for 3 months or so, we had to work from different cities. So i couldn't meet her for 4-5 months. But things were amazing as we used to talk for a hour or two daily. I also sent her gifts occassionally and helped her in her studies.

Things started getting ugly after 8-9 months when she shifted near my city. She was constantly asking me to pay a visit. And i wanted to meet her too. But i got ill and it was not possible then. Suddenly her behaviour started changing and within days she started verbally abusing me and this tore me apart emotionally. No one has ever verbally abused in my life and she was the kindest person i knew.

I was confused and hurt and for 2 months i have been trying to make things right explaining things and all. But the more i try the more i get abused.

My fault: >> I once asked her to block a guy on phone who was her friend. I apologized for that and matter was settled months ago
>> She says that i put too much restrictions on her like i stop her from drinking. I do that because she may start abusing it as she is going through very tough phase of her life. She has a history of self harm and alcohol abuse
My intention was never bad

Why i think she has BPD?
>> Relationship evolved as mentioned on this site
>> She has suicidal ideations
>> She used to self harm (cutting)
>> Her rage. That was actually very dangerous. A LOT OF verbal abuse. On call she even threatened to stab me to death
>> Even after breakup she has tried on occassions to call me because she needed emotional support of mine or to say she still loves me
>> From hero of her life, i have suddenly turned into a villain. Even her best friend took my side and was confused about her sudden rage and behaviour change. She even verbally abused her best friend
>> Few days before breakup my name used to drop from every line she spoke and was discussing about marriage with me with her best friend
>> She didn't like my family because she felt that they are taking me away from her. But on the other hand my mom was planning to make her sweets with her own hands so i could give it to her when we meet but i fell ill
>> She used to create havoc if i didn't message her anyday because of work. She wanted me to give all my attention to her

What i did until now?

As everyone would do. I tried explaining her everything. I went to her city to meet her but she didn't come out of her building to meet me. Have sent her long emails explaining everything. In the end when her verbal abuse didn't stop, i called her parents and told them about her behaviour. Now she hates me and her family is also ignoring my calls.

There were days in last month when she after all the mess called me and said i still love you. Or she called me when she was very depressed and needed someone's emotional support. She asked me to remain her friend. I refused. Then she again tried to get back in relationship but we broke up next day as her rage again erupted on some petty issue. This was the time when i called her parents. Probably after my call her family would have gone into huge tension. Now she has warned me not to call her again and her family is ignoring me

What should i do?

I plan to send back her all belongings with a letter for final closure. I have done a hell lot of things for her for which she has no appreciation. I gave her my clothes, food, expensive gifts, dinner in 5 stars, helping her in her work sacrificing my own targets and time, helping her parents. I'm career consious, health concious, always treated her like gentleman. But she ONLY sees me like i'm some villain. I'm not so much social like her. Earlier she use to like this about me. But now her excuses to part with me has dipped to such a level that she says we don't like same food, we don't like movies i like. I mean how does it even matter!

I plan to send her some material she asked me before breakup for her work along with her belongings and a letter. I'm confused if i should do this or not because i'm hurt and she doesn't appreciate my help and efforts and all the good things i did in past. Her family and she never admitted their fault even for verbal abuse. Never apologized.

What should i do? try or leave things as it is

I'm really really hurt and have been crying for months. Performed really badly at work in past 2 months and this has REALLY affected my career... .

I think the abandonment trigger was when i couldn't come to meet her. Just before that i refused to shift to her city. I asked for 15-20 days time. But she didn't had patience. As soon as i felt ill, her rage erupted and that was really scary

*sorry for language mistakes. English is not my first language*

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[Tattered Heart]

HI jackandrabbit,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so confused right now. Break ups are really hard and when it's with someone with BPD it can leave you really unsure of what to do.

Just to be sure I'm clear you guys broke up about 2 months ago? Is that correct?

As for right now, it sounds like she has clearly asked you to not contact her. It's important that you respect her wishes on this. If not, it could push her further away. She may change her mind in the future but while things are settling, she is saying that she needs time. It would really nice of you to pack her things and send them to her with a kind note.

In the meantime, what are you doing to help you through the breakup?

[Meili]

I would like to join Tattered Heart in welcoming you to the bpdfamily. I'm sorry for the struggles that brought you here, but hopefully this site can provide you with the same support that it provided me.

I agree that sending her things back is the right thing to do. What do you think that you would say in the note?

I encourage you to read the posts of others and ask questions. We've all been through similar things and there is a lot that we can learn from each other.

I look forward to reading more of your story.

[jackandrabbit]

HI jackandrabbit,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so confused right now. Break ups are really hard and when it's with someone with BPD it can leave you really unsure of what to do.

Just to be sure I'm clear you guys broke up about 2 months ago? Is that correct?

As for right now, it sounds like she has clearly asked you to not contact her. It's important that you respect her wishes on this. If not, it could push her further away. She may change her mind in the future but while things are settling, she is saying that she needs time. It would really nice of you to pack her things and send them to her with a kind note.

In the meantime, what are you doing to help you through the breakup?

Hi @TatteredHeart. Thanks for replying. Yes we broke up 2 months earlier. Two weeks ago she called and asked to patch up again. I agreed but on next day, her rage again erupted and she again started verbally abusing me. I called her parents finally. Now she has warned me ask said 'don't dare to call me again.'

I don't know if should send her stuff or not. I don't want things to get worse. She hates me. Never appreciated my efforts and care. She just sucked all the love and never gave back. I hate her but at the same time i love her. I've gone through a tough time in the past two months. I had a work assignment and if succefully done, it could have changed my whole life. But now it is hard. I've spent all days crying and in pain. She didn't even say 'sorry' at least once. Not even for a formality

I think she knows she has created a disaster in my life and now her guilt is stopping her from coming back to me. Why can't she say 'sorry'

What's so tough in that? Why can't she face the consequences of her acts?

Or maybe she doesn't even think she was wrong.

I feel like plastic paper cup. She used me as much as she could and finally threw me away

[jackandrabbit]

I would like to join Tattered Heart in welcoming you to the bpdfamily. I'm sorry for the struggles that brought you here, but hopefully this site can provide you with the same support that it provided me.

I agree that sending her things back is the right thing to do. What do you think that you would say in the note?

I encourage you to read the posts of others and ask questions. We've all been through similar things and there is a lot that we can learn from each other.

I look forward to reading more of your story.

Hi! I plan to send her the stuff she asked me for work before the break up. Along with that a note saying that i love her but it will be hard for me to forgive her. Take care, sometimes visit the places we used to go together. Keep me in your memories and take care.
I'll perfume the letter with her favourite fragrance. I don't know if it will make her more angry or will calm her.
I'll also send a hairpin she was asking me to buy before break up

[Tattered Heart]

Hi! I plan to send her the stuff she asked me for work before the break up. Along with that a note saying that i love her but it will be hard for me to forgive her.

Saying that it will be hard for you to forgive her may make things worse. It's very difficult for someone with BPD to understand that they have a role in the issues in a relationship and without her being present to see your facial expressions and hear your tones, it becomes even harder for them to understand.

What if you sent the note saying I love you. Take care. Remember the good times and places. And I'll be thinking of you and am available to talk when you are ready?

That puts the ball in her court and leaves the door open but also doesn't place blame on either of you. And while you are waiting on her, begin working on the forgiveness but you don't have to tell her about it.

[once removed]

Saying that it will be hard for you to forgive her may make things worse.

... .

That puts the ball in her court and leaves the door open but also doesn't place blame on either of you. And while you are waiting on her, begin working on the forgiveness but you don't have to tell her about it.

this is really important advice. if you want this relationship back in any form, its going to be hard, and in order to do that, as hard as it is, you must put aside and nurse your hurt. if you relitigate issues from the past, it will sabotage all of your efforts.

id skip the perfume. i dont think she will know what to make of that. i think the message you want to communicate in sending her items back is one of grace and respect, no more, no less. just be a stand up, up beat guy, the guy she fell for in the first place.