Umm,Hello. I guess

[LeChuck]

Hi,
I don't really know where to start, there seems to be a lot to talk about. (I guess this is normal with someone with BPD in your life.)
Married for nearly 15 years to my S/O and although she was only diagnosed with BPD this summer it fits our entire relationship like a map.
She has caused enormous upheaval and pain in our lives this year. In June I found out she was having an affair with a colleague. Once I found out I "think" she stopped seeing him, but she also tried to hide all of the details from me and has reacted badly whenever I have found out further details of what was going on.
She was also sexting men on snapchat and has managed to run up 6K of debts without my knowledge.

I'm still committed to our relationship, we have 3 small peoples and a step small person. But BPD certainly adds some complications to being able to resolve these issues.

Oh, Hi everyone, it's good to meet you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AskingWhy]

Welcome, LeChuck!

With a diagnosis for your wife, you have some things to go on and, in some senses, you have been validated for knowing something is wrong.

Do you want to describe what has been going on?  (Be general and don't use specifics for confidentiality.)

BPD (and also BiPD) can cause sexual impulsivity and other impulsive behavior like spending and gambling.  

Please join in and let us know how you are coping with the diagnosis.

Is your wife in therapy now?  She may be getting guidance.  As for you as the partner of a pwBPD, you may want to enter counseling for yourself.  If your wife is volatile and raging, you might want to seek counseling for your children.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi, LeChuck

I'm sorry that you have been throu upheaval and pain, also about the lies, and cheating. It must have been very tough on you, while you have to be strong for your kids. You are gonna find a lot of people here that have gone through something similar, and they are going to understand your situation and why you keep fighting for the relationship, while for most people it doesn't make sense. This place goes beyond that, but at least you've found a safe place to talk and be understood.

What are your goals? Where do you want to go from here? Is she commited to therapy, to make amends, to stop destructive behavior? How is she taking the diagnosis?

Some members work on their own, while their SO think and state that there is nothing wrong with them. Even those, they manage to improve the family life by using the tools in the lessons here. Be patient, you already have a lot in your plate. Learn and practice at your own pace, and have faith that it will get better, but know it takes time and also up and downs.

We are a lot of people walking the same path.

[LeChuck]

Ok this is probably going to be quite long.
First of all, she doesn't get aggressive, she is a master of passive aggression. She also can't bring herself to talk about her issues, as she has to confront her actions and feelings. (we're fine talking about my issues.) And if pushed will turn the conversation around onto how bad I am making her feel or how it's entirely my problem.

We started the year really well, she seemed happy and on top of everything, which is the first time in about 8 years that has happened. As the year progressed her behaviour became more impulsive, deciding she needed to look younger, buying a lot of... .stuff, including a new car bought on finance.
She also started to spend more and more time out with friends, until it was 6 nights a week, her drinking also increased over this time.

As all of this was going on she started mentioning a friend at work, then basically asked me if it was ok if she went on a date with him. I was surprisingly not ok about that.
We spent the next week talking it out with her showing little understanding of why I was so upset about it (She has had a previous affair with someone she worked with about 8 years ago, I was never really allowed any closure on that. I understand why now.)
She was drunk one evening and being really obvious about making sure I didn't see her phone, despite the fact she was on it constantly. I checked and there were a series of sexually explicit messages talking about what they'd done, wanted to do.
There were also a series of sexually explicit conversations with a number of men on snapchat.
I confronted her with all of this the next day and she was genuinely sorry. She said it felt really out of character, but at the same time she said that she didn't want me near her phone any more as it was abusive if I checked it.
Since then, I can see she is trying, but, she has still been keeping secrets about him/them, never even really acknowledged the snapchat stuff, and then I found a letter from a high-interest credit card company in her name, when I confronted her about it she admitted she had a card and a loan for thousands.
Through all of this, I have tried to be as gentle as I can be, because I know she can't handle any form of criticism, but have still been accused of constantly making her feel bad about what she did, to the point where I'm not allowed to bring it up any more.
In the last couple of weeks, she has taken a huge down turn, she has threatened suicide, said she needs to leave and has become totally withdrawn.

Then on Tuesday I found you guys and started reading through the tools section. in the evening she said we need to talk about separating, so I stayed calm, said that it was her decision to make. I told her I was still committed to her and us, but if she felt that leaving was best for her then she should do that. We talked, I told her she would have to leave straight away as everything was having a huge effect on our children. We slept on it and in the morning she asked if we would still be best friends if she left for good. I told her that while I would always be friendly with her, that wasn't possible as our lives would go in different directions and I couldn't promise anything.
She has now said she wants to stay and make it work, and get help. She knows she's screwed up.
She has a psychiatrist, but has been told she needs to deal with her addiction problems before she can start therapy.

As for me, I'm still committed to her and us, but I know that in order to do that I have to make some huge changes to my life. And honestly, i don't even know how or where to begin. I've spent so long being afraid of her and being afraid of the isolation when she cuts me off I'm worried I wont be able to do the things I need to do.
I'm in counselling at the moment, it's helping but over the last few weeks I have woken up to the fact I have no self worth, suicide is not supposed to be the thing that calms you down when you can't cope. (I have support with this and I've realised I can't take that as a way out because I would be abandoning my kids) and I've been suffering mental abuse for over 10 years.

I feel totally and utterly lost.

(for clarity she has also been diagnosed with bi-polar and depression/anxiety)

[JoeBPD81]

I hear you,

I think we all have been there. Maybe now we know what to do, or at least what things to try, but have we exhausted all our energy being abused before, losing ourselves in the process?

I can totally relate to that.

I have kids too, and looking out for them has a huge weight in all my decisions, of course. For me, finding this place and learning, has made a total difference. I use to feel "I'll be here until I can't take it anymore, one more week, one more month, 6 months more... ." But now I feel my RS can work. It has been hanging by a thread time and time again, so it's not easy to keep the hope. But you don't have to go on feeling this despair, and feeling so lost all the time. Things get better. And with them, the hope grows naturaly. And with hope you'll be able to do more... .And it builds up. With ups and downs, but one day you look back and you see that you have come a good way.

I hope we hear soon that you're feeling better.