Boyfriend's Mother Fits BPD- Not Sure What to Do

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 years, and we've been living together for a little over a year. Everything is great in our relationship, with the exception of his mother who has now had two major outbursts this year. I first met his family after we'd been together 6 months, and we were moving into our apartment. I really enjoyed his family and felt comfortable around them immediately. His mom went on and on about how much they liked me, and how happy they were for us. It all seemed great. A few months after that she asked me to join their family text forum... I didn't see an issue with that. There were some things that struck me as strange over our first year of holidays together... his mom had to have us there on Christmas Day, and she was quite annoyed when I didn't want a family photo with them at 7 am the day his sister was leaving.  Fast forward to this past April. We bought tickets to the March for Science in DC and somehow forgot to mention this to his parents. The plans involved staying with my sister who lives downtown, and my parents were to drive the 2.5 hours to hang out with us that Sunday. I brought it up in passing to his mom asking if they were going. This unfortunately led to a massive freakout on his mom's part. Our silly oversight of bringing up the trip led to extreme rage from his mother, who felt we spent way more time with my family. Turns out, they did not intend to go to the March, nor could they have because of a sick dog. This didn't matter. Her sudden conviction that my boyfriend didn't care for them had been exposed, and she was so livid. She verbally harassed him for days over text, but refused to talk on the phone. She told him that he should come get his childhood stuff, or she would ship it to him. She lost a son in his first week of life before my boyfriend's birth, and she said that now after the March incident, she had two dead sons. I was absolutely shocked! How could she go from being so nice and loving to being so irrationally mad? My boyfriend was surprised but not totally shocked. His mom had reacted similarly to his sister in the past, but my boyfriend hadn't been on the receiving end much. To me it seemed clear that the underlying issue was her jealousy of my family, and her skewed perception that any time we shared with my family was time taken away from her. I told my parents maybe they shouldn't come, it wasn't worth it to have her be so mean. But at the same time, I always want to see my family as much as possible. I have incredibly wonderful parents, who I now appreciate tenfold with this stark contrast in my life. Anyway, the situation finally resolved after maybe 5 days when my boyfriend called his parents (after she finally allowed this) and apologized about a million times to both of them. The crazy part was that even his dad was a little hurt by the situation... .we feel he must be swayed by listening to his mom nonstop. So things slowly went back to normal. I couldn't believe that she didn't apologize for the things she said, I didn't understand how my boyfriend could move on and get past that. It seems like everyone is able to recognize that they were wrong after the fact, but I realize people with BPD can't do that so easily. I had left the family text forum, which led to minor drama, but I stated that I didn't want to be so intimately involved if this would happen again. I had grown to feel close to his parents, and her rage was very upsetting to me. After a couple of months his mom texted me and said they would love me back in the group. I went along as to not cause more trouble and I hoped things would be better. Over this past summer, she texted me tons of wedding ideas, dresses, venues, rings, and she kept sending videos about picking engagement rings to my boyfriend. I didn't mind talking to her about this and everything seemed to be stable. About a month ago, I told her via text about my history with eating disorders in an effort to enlighten her as to why I am happy with my current job and not pursuing more school/stress, and in hopes of growing closer to her. (She was constantly sending me info on possible careers and different areas of schooling I should go into, so I felt I needed to make her understand why I need a break.) I've been symptom free for one year, a huge accomplishment for me, so I now feel more confident sharing. She was soo incredibly nice to me about me ED, she complimented my strength and courage for sharing and doing well with recovery. She thanked me for sharing and even said she loved me. I felt like it was a positive moment for us, and I hoped it would help her better understand me. Well, two weeks later, my boyfriend sent what turned out to be a horrible text. We had planned a trip to Asheville Nc over the summer, and his parents who live 3.5 hours away immediately wanted to meet us there for one of the 2.5 days we'd be there. We both felt fine with this and were excited for the trip. A few weeks before the trip we learned that his sister was coming the first day of our trip and staying two of the three nights, and his parents were coming early the second day and leaving late the final evening. I was immediately bummed by this news, as even though I was happy to spend time with his fam, this trip was meant to be for us to explore the city and decide if we'd like to live there. I am an avid hiker, and a major reason we want to move to Asheville is to be in the mountains. So of course I wanted to plan some cool hikes for our little trip. SO, my boyfriend sensed my frustration that we had no time alone, and he decided he could maybe strike a compromise and make all of us happy. He texted his mom how excited he was to see them, and that we also really want to explore the city and surrounding nature to get a good sense of whether we want to live there, so would it be okay if we met up with them later after spending the day in the mountains? Unfortunately, we didn't know the exact time of their planned arrival, we think approx 2pm... so he could've avoided sending this message altogether and we could've just hiked from 7-1:30 or something. But, the damage was done. She immediately got defensive and asked how we could get an idea of a place by hiking? That it was a silly way to spend our time. Within twenty minutes she had cancelled their plans to come, it was better to just not go now. Then things spiraled further, she started sending horrible abusive messages to my boyfriend for days. The next day, we were uninvited from thanksgiving and she was no longer coming to visit us in December. We were horrible selfish people, and my boyfriend needs to learn how to treat people because he was not taught to be so rude. On and on and on. It was so horrible we both felt crushed for days. How could she interpret that text so badly? How come she can't be rational once she's made up her mind? My boyfriend is very exceptionally calm by nature, and he just doesn't respond to her mean texts. I think this is likely a good idea, as it's clear there's nothing he could say to change her mind. But it's oh so frustrating to let her play the victim and just let her rage. It has now been almost 3 weeks since the text, and she still won't talk to him. Last week she sent a long mean email, criticizing me for being emotionally unhealthy, and saying he should've left me when he found out about my eating disorder. Which is so crazy consisdering her own mental illness struggles AND her daughter had an ED as well. She said we were not welcome there anymore and she has to protect herself from my boyfriend, because she loves his sister and his dad and needs to be there for them. She said she knows my boyfriend is trying to have a relationship with his dad still, but to know that it is very stressful for his dad. UGH. That line made me cringe. So, I had happened upon an article on BPD, and I couldn't believe how spot on it was. She has been in treatment for depression for years, her sister committed suicide 20 years ago, and its clear mental health issues are prevalent in his family. But, to my boyfriends knowledge, no one has ever mentioned BPD. What is also frustrating, is the absolute lack of action on his family's part when this happens. His sister seems burned out and totally unsurprised by all of her mean comments, I suppose because she's seen it all before. And his dad seems to just take a hands off approach and wait for her to calm down. He isn't mad at my boyfriend and has talked to him some, but he never offers an apology or seems shocked by the things his mother says to my boyfriend either. I just feel like they all need to wake up and take action. His mom has been suicidal in the past, and I think they all fear pushing her over the edge. Of course I understand this, but I also feel like if she is suicidal over something like this, and her only outlet is abusing her son, there's a bigger issue at hand and maybe she needs more serious treatment. The risk of suicide shouldn't mean she gets to verbally abuse people. If that is such a concern, she needs to be stabilized and maybe institutionalized. I have a fear that this will just continue forever because I don't see his family taking action and standing up to her. I realize there's no point in arguing with her, but I strongly feel my boyfriend needs the support of his dad and his sister right now, and they are silent. I told him he needs to set up boundaries, which could involve telling her (once she calms down) that if she says something mean, he will block her number r until his dad says she is ready to talk calmly  again. This way, my boyfriend wouldn't have to read her horrible messages, and perhaps she would have an easier time getting over it if she didn't have to secretly regret sending the messages too. I don't know. I am much more of a fighter than my boyfriend, and I wonder if I can sit quietly while this continues to happen. If there seemed to be an effort to make positive change, I would feel much more heartened. As it stands, I am envisioning a long hard road with his mother. I don't want to feel guilty for spending time with my family, and I don't want someone to be constantly keeping score. I don't want his mom to end our relationship, but I also don't know if I am up for dealing with her antics. I will not be able to sit back and watch this verbal abuse. I think my boyfriend is starting to realize something needs to be done, but he's in a really tough spot. What can he do if she won't even talk to him? He's seen a therapist already... something his mom heavily suggested because he needs to learn how to treat people, ugh! He says he will never just push her away, he can't do that. When she is a good mother, she's great. But it's so awful when she's bad, I don't know how we can get past this. Now we have had to change our already expensive plane tickets for a charge to see my fam for thanksgiving. We thought she might be over the whole thing by then, but his dad suggested we go ahead and change the tickets. I am wondering what my role should be in all of this. Should I expect his family to continue to sit back? Do I have a right to feel this hurt by her behavior? Should I stay in this relationship if she's likely to continue to lash out? I never imagined questioning our relationship over his mother, but it's come to that.

[Sophcat]

I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 years, and we've been living together for a little over a year. Everything is great in our relationship, with the exception of his mother who has now had two major outbursts this year. I first met his family after we'd been together 6 months, and we were moving into our apartment. I really enjoyed his family and felt comfortable around them immediately. His mom went on and on about how much they liked me, and how happy they were for us. It all seemed great. A few months after that she asked me to join their family text forum... I didn't see an issue with that. There were some things that struck me as strange over our first year of holidays together... his mom had to have us there on Christmas Day, and she was quite annoyed when I didn't want a family photo with them at 7 am the day his sister was leaving.  Fast forward to this past April. We bought tickets to the March for Science in DC and somehow forgot to mention this to his parents. The plans involved staying with my sister who lives downtown, and my parents were to drive the 2.5 hours to hang out with us that Sunday. I brought it up in passing to his mom asking if they were going. This unfortunately led to a massive freakout on his mom's part. Our silly oversight of bringing up the trip led to extreme rage from his mother, who felt we spent way more time with my family. Turns out, they did not intend to go to the March, nor could they have because of a sick dog. This didn't matter. Her sudden conviction that my boyfriend didn't care for them had been exposed, and she was so livid. She verbally harassed him for days over text, but refused to talk on the phone. She told him that he should come get his childhood stuff, or she would ship it to him. She lost a son in his first week of life before my boyfriend's birth, and she said that now after the March incident, she had two dead sons. I was absolutely shocked! How could she go from being so nice and loving to being so irrationally mad? My boyfriend was surprised but not totally shocked. His mom had reacted similarly to his sister in the past, but my boyfriend hadn't been on the receiving end much. To me it seemed clear that the underlying issue was her jealousy of my family, and her skewed perception that any time we shared with my family was time taken away from her. I told my parents maybe they shouldn't come, it wasn't worth it to have her be so mean. But at the same time, I always want to see my family as much as possible. I have incredibly wonderful parents, who I now appreciate tenfold with this stark contrast in my life. Anyway, the situation finally resolved after maybe 5 days when my boyfriend called his parents (after she finally allowed this) and apologized about a million times to both of them. The crazy part was that even his dad was a little hurt by the situation... .we feel he must be swayed by listening to his mom nonstop. So things slowly went back to normal. I couldn't believe that she didn't apologize for the things she said, I didn't understand how my boyfriend could move on and get past that. It seems like everyone is able to recognize that they were wrong after the fact, but I realize people with BPD can't do that so easily. I had left the family text forum, which led to minor drama, but I stated that I didn't want to be so intimately involved if this would happen again. I had grown to feel close to his parents, and her rage was very upsetting to me. After a couple of months his mom texted me and said they would love me back in the group. I went along as to not cause more trouble and I hoped things would be better. Over this past summer, she texted me tons of wedding ideas, dresses, venues, rings, and she kept sending videos about picking engagement rings to my boyfriend. I didn't mind talking to her about this and everything seemed to be stable. About a month ago, I told her via text about my history with eating disorders in an effort to enlighten her as to why I am happy with my current job and not pursuing more school/stress, and in hopes of growing closer to her. (She was constantly sending me info on possible careers and different areas of schooling I should go into, so I felt I needed to make her understand why I need a break.) I've been symptom free for one year, a huge accomplishment for me, so I now feel more confident sharing. She was soo incredibly nice to me about me ED, she complimented my strength and courage for sharing and doing well with recovery. She thanked me for sharing and even said she loved me. I felt like it was a positive moment for us, and I hoped it would help her better understand me. Well, two weeks later, my boyfriend sent what turned out to be a horrible text. We had planned a trip to Asheville Nc over the summer, and his parents who live 3.5 hours away immediately wanted to meet us there for one of the 2.5 days we'd be there. We both felt fine with this and were excited for the trip. A few weeks before the trip we learned that his sister was coming the first day of our trip and staying two of the three nights, and his parents were coming early the second day and leaving late the final evening. I was immediately bummed by this news, as even though I was happy to spend time with his fam, this trip was meant to be for us to explore the city and decide if we'd like to live there. I am an avid hiker, and a major reason we want to move to Asheville is to be in the mountains. So of course I wanted to plan some cool hikes for our little trip. SO, my boyfriend sensed my frustration that we had no time alone, and he decided he could maybe strike a compromise and make all of us happy. He texted his mom how excited he was to see them, and that we also really want to explore the city and surrounding nature to get a good sense of whether we want to live there, so would it be okay if we met up with them later after spending the day in the mountains? Unfortunately, we didn't know the exact time of their planned arrival, we think approx 2pm... so he could've avoided sending this message altogether and we could've just hiked from 7-1:30 or something. But, the damage was done. She immediately got defensive and asked how we could get an idea of a place by hiking? That it was a silly way to spend our time. Within twenty minutes she had cancelled their plans to come, it was better to just not go now. Then things spiraled further, she started sending horrible abusive messages to my boyfriend for days. The next day, we were uninvited from thanksgiving and she was no longer coming to visit us in December. We were horrible selfish people, and my boyfriend needs to learn how to treat people because he was not taught to be so rude. On and on and on. It was so horrible we both felt crushed for days. How could she interpret that text so badly? How come she can't be rational once she's made up her mind? My boyfriend is very exceptionally calm by nature, and he just doesn't respond to her mean texts. I think this is likely a good idea, as it's clear there's nothing he could say to change her mind. But it's oh so frustrating to let her play the victim and just let her rage. It has now been almost 3 weeks since the text, and she still won't talk to him. Last week she sent a long mean email, criticizing me for being emotionally unhealthy, and saying he should've left me when he found out about my eating disorder. Which is so crazy consisdering her own mental illness struggles AND her daughter had an ED as well. She said we were not welcome there anymore and she has to protect herself from my boyfriend, because she loves his sister and his dad and needs to be there for them. She said she knows my boyfriend is trying to have a relationship with his dad still, but to know that it is very stressful for his dad. UGH. That line made me cringe. So, I had happened upon an article on BPD, and I couldn't believe how spot on it was. She has been in treatment for depression for years, her sister committed suicide 20 years ago, and its clear mental health issues are prevalent in his family. But, to my boyfriends knowledge, no one has ever mentioned BPD. What is also frustrating, is the absolute lack of action on his family's part when this happens. His sister seems burned out and totally unsurprised by all of her mean comments, I suppose because she's seen it all before. And his dad seems to just take a hands off approach and wait for her to calm down. He isn't mad at my boyfriend and has talked to him some, but he never offers an apology or seems shocked by the things his mother says to my boyfriend either. I just feel like they all need to wake up and take action. His mom has been suicidal in the past, and I think they all fear pushing her over the edge. Of course I understand this, but I also feel like if she is suicidal over something like this, and her only outlet is abusing her son, there's a bigger issue at hand and maybe she needs more serious treatment. The risk of suicide shouldn't mean she gets to verbally abuse people. If that is such a concern, she needs to be stabilized and maybe institutionalized. I have a fear that this will just continue forever because I don't see his family taking action and standing up to her. I realize there's no point in arguing with her, but I strongly feel my boyfriend needs the support of his dad and his sister right now, and they are silent. I told him he needs to set up boundaries, which could involve telling her (once she calms down) that if she says something mean, he will block her number r until his dad says she is ready to talk calmly  again. This way, my boyfriend wouldn't have to read her horrible messages, and perhaps she would have an easier time getting over it if she didn't have to secretly regret sending the messages too. I don't know. I am much more of a fighter than my boyfriend, and I wonder if I can sit quietly while this continues to happen. If there seemed to be an effort to make positive change, I would feel much more heartened. As it stands, I am envisioning a long hard road with his mother. I don't want to feel guilty for spending time with my family, and I don't want someone to be constantly keeping score. I don't want his mom to end our relationship, but I also don't know if I am up for dealing with her antics. I will not be able to sit back and watch this verbal abuse. I think my boyfriend is starting to realize something needs to be done, but he's in a really tough spot. What can he do if she won't even talk to him? He's seen a therapist already... something his mom heavily suggested because he needs to learn how to treat people, ugh! He says he will never just push her away, he can't do that. When she is a good mother, she's great. But it's so awful when she's bad, I don't know how we can get past this. Now we have had to change our already expensive plane tickets for a charge to see my fam for thanksgiving. We thought she might be over the whole thing by then, but his dad suggested we go ahead and change the tickets. I am wondering what my role should be in all of this. Should I expect his family to continue to sit back? Do I have a right to feel this hurt by her behavior? Should I stay in this relationship if she's likely to continue to lash out? I never imagined questioning our relationship over his mother, but it's come to that.

[AskingWhy]

It is very sad to see you are with a man who has an apparently dysfunctional mother.  Have you discussed this at length with him as you know a good deal of family history?  The mood swings seem to indicate BPD or another PD.

It's sad to watch someone you care about enmeshed with an unhealthy family dynamic.  You are a caring person.

In the end, it's your boyfriend's M and not yours, nor even your MIL.  It is disturbing to be near a pwBPD acting out, but your BF needs to get a handle on this as it's his own M.  Your relationship to this woman comes through your relationship with your boyfriend.

In the meantime, keep making progress on your ED and be supportive of your BF.   

[No-One]

Hi Sophcat:
I'm so sorry about what's going on.  The harsh reality is that you have no power to change her and her son has no power to change her.  She has to want to change.  People with BPD or strong BPD traits typically can't admit that they are the problem.  Everyone else is the problem, from their perspective.  Some brides don't discover the things you have, until after the wedding.  You have an opportunity to decide if you can accept what will likely be ongoing drama - different versions of what you have experienced.

He says he will never just push her away, he can't do that. When she is a good mother, she's great. But it's so awful when she's bad, I don't know how we can get past this. Now we have had to change our already expensive plane tickets for a charge to see my fam for thanksgiving. We thought she might be over the whole thing by then, but his dad suggested we go ahead and change the tickets. I am wondering what my role should be in all of this. Should I expect his family to continue to sit back? Do I have a right to feel this hurt by her behavior? Should I stay in this relationship if she's likely to continue to lash out? I never imagined questioning our relationship over his mother, but it's come to that.

What you have experienced is typical BPD behaviors.  Everything you experienced will likely repeat over and over again, as you can't count on his mother getting treatment.  Even when people want to change, it's a difficult and long road.

The only power you have is over yourself and how you interact and react to his mother.  Boundaries will be important (they are for your benefit and up to you to enforce).  The farther you live from her, the better.  The less you share with her, the better.  The less you engage in the family text forum, text messages, emails, Facebook, etc. the better.

Enjoy Thanksgiving with your parents.  I'm sorry that you have to pay more to change the tickets.  I'm thinking it might be worth it to have a peaceful and enjoyable time with your own family.

Check out the menus within the large green band, at the top of the page.  The "Tools" menu is a good place to start learning some communication tactics and skills, that will be helpful.  The last link in the "Tools" menu, leads to a few pages of workshops/tutorials.

If you are considering marriage to your boyfriend, you might want to get some premarital counseling.  It could be beneficial for you and your boyfriend to discuss the various issues with a professional. 

[Struggles]

My MIL is undiagnosed BPD, and has had the same argument with my husband that we see my family more.  Which is funny, because we only live an hour away from his mom and dad and before going NC with her, would typically see her about 20 or more times a year.  My family lives 4 hours away and we see them maybe 3 times a year on a good year. 

My advice to you is to stand by your boyfriends decisions that he makes with his mother, but also know that it will take time for him to stand up for you when it is right.  It took my husband a few times before he stood up to his mother when she was treating me, him and our whole family badly. 

Definitely set boundaries and do not discuss personal information.  Even if you are having a good moment with her, and everything seems normal, in my experience this has been used against us in the bad moments. 

Make sure and have good communication between you are your boyfriend, and stick together.  His way of staying quiet about things may be the way he has coped with the behavior and how he's been able to manage. 

Even though his mother has put us through literal hell, I appreciate that she brought the love of my life into this world.  Even in the hard days with her, I still couldn't imagine giving up such a wonderful man, just because of the hurt and anxiety she causes us. It is worth it. 

Don't give up, keep reading on ways of coping and healing.  Def keep posting here, there are so many knowledgeable people here and it has been extremely therapeutic for me just to be able to write my feelings down with people who are going through the same.