Mom's Issues Following Me

[Turkish]

My mom lived with us from December of 2015 until April 1 2016. I was forced to take her back to her filthy hoard,  worse than that TV show.  I last talked to her December 2016, almost a year ago. 

She ended up being kicked off her property and ultimately ended up living in a small hotel which hosts many permanent residents.  It eats up most of her $1400/mo social security check,  but she's in a safe place and Meals on Wheels helps her.  I was told this by her adult protective services case worker. 

I'm NC, but I'll take her call. I'm NC because of the accusations of criminal elder abuse she lobbed against me: that I was keeping her prisoner (safe, warm, fed) in the city, and also that I was stealing her money.  She also accused then D3 and S6 of stealing her money.  Kids she idolized from afar,  until she had to live with us.  dBPD, dPTSD, and Depression aside,  she lapsed into paranoia. 

This morning,  which I took off work to watch my kids, I got a call from my mom's neighbor,  the one who has property next to her abandoned 5 acre hoard. I was having lunch with the kids.  I let it go to voice-mail.  No message left. 

A few hours later, I got a call from the mountain area code and I answered. It was a sheriff deputy.

Before I took my mom to live with us,  a young guy had moved onto her property and ended up assaulting her.  Not to blame the victim,  but my mom wasn't smart either. 

So this guy returned to her abandoned hoard, neighbor saw his truck,  called the cops.

The guy spun some story to the sherif about stolen firearms.  He had found in the house over ten years abandoned pistol cases from my .45 and a .40. In California,  pistols are registered. The deputy ran the numbers and saw they weren't reported stolen. I assured him that both pistols were with me,  l locked in a case under my bed.  He seemed relieved.,

That guy is even more off the walls than I thought it he thought he could get away with start he was trying to pull.  I have to hand it to small towns.  The guy gave me his personal cell number and told me to call if he could be of any help.  He asked if he could take the cases anywhere.  I thought about telling him to throw them out,  but asked if he could take them to my friend who manages a well known business in the small county.  I texted me buddy who later texted back that he got them and that the deputy was a cool guy and that the perp was trying to make something out of nothing. 

Despite an RO, the system really wasn't protecting my mom,  so it's even better that she isn't allowed to go back to her property.  That weirdo is hopefully the last in a long line of shady people my mom invited into her life driven by rescuing people.  The first time I started to apprehend this was when I was 8 when we were living in the city and my mom had moved a family into her home.  Almost overnight,  after months of things being cool,  turret suddenly moved out,  much screaming and yelling... .the pattern repeated itself,  from the early 80s until now. 

[Kwamina]

Hiya Wolfish

Yeah I remember your stories about that guy. It's sad that he is still doing weird stuff like this after all these years, also really says a lot about his own state of mind. Are the authorities taking any further actions against him?

I am glad that your mom is in a safe place. I understand your motivations for being NC, especially since you also need to consider your children's well-being. But even when being NC, you can still care for a person and monitor the situation from a distance as you are doing.

Take care

The Board Parrot (no I didn't fly away, still here!)

[heartandwhole]

Turkish,

I'm glad the neighbors called the cops. It helps when the community looks out for its members. What a difficult situation to be in. I can understand your having to keep your distance from your mom. You have to take care of you and your kids. 

heartandwhole

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey Turkish,

Thanks for keeping us up to date about your mom. I wonder off and on how things are going, if you've heard from her or about her. I believe it takes courage to stay NC as well as to put your kids first above mom (my mom seemed to expect to be first always). You do have to think of them and it is right that you put them first. All the more reason to stay NC. Sounds as if she is probably safer, and you are safer from her as well.

It occurred to me while reading your post that my uBPDm was also a rescuer. I hadn't stopped to ponder it really before now. I think in my childhood mind that I thought it was goodness and kindness (which it may well have been in some ways) that caused her to do what she did. I'm far enough along in T now to understand what boundaries are and what they aren't. She was typically obligated by her own FOG to have to step in and fix things, take food, sometimes spend money. On one hand, I learned to look out for those who were down and out. On the other hand, I learned that you need to help or rescue nearly everyone. Never even knew the word 'enabling.'

This week in T I began to learn about the addictive cycle, what it is, how it works. Addiction isn't always through a substance. It can be to something seemingly good or neutral, not always to something bad or harmful. Addiction can also be to other things that bring us comfort, or to those things which bring us back into what is normal. Normal can be dysfunction. Co-dependency illustrates the addiction cycle I found out.

I guess your mom and mine, probably others too, have rescued because it was an integral part of who they are/were.  Maybe in her new place your mom will be less inclined to rescue. She has a smaller place, someone to check on her, all good things.

 
Wools

[Turkish]

I had to kick out a family in 2005. I remember my mom said that she and the "mother" who was really his older sister,  had to call the cops on the 14 year old brother when he raised a hammer at my mother.  I never got that angry,  but I could will imagine the kid being easily driven to it.  I used to take the kid into the woods target shooting, to spend time with him away from his 3 half siblings, older sister and the "dad" who dropped dead of a heart attack on my mom's dirt road months before my mom and the surviving family suddenly hated each other... .my mom,  "mom" and "grandma" to the kids.  I used to hear them call her that. 

But this recent scum bag was the most dangerous. 

With this incident,  I felt like I did something wrong.  I think I left those empty cases in a duffle bag in my mom's trailer over a decade ago.  Said trailer is like those on construction sites.  I remember when my mom bought it and a big rig backed down her dirt road to leave it there.  Within two years it became full almost to the ceiling with stuff. It's not coming out of there without cutting torches and a couple of large dumpsters which is what I thought at the time it was pulled in there. 

I'm about $6000 into the property over the years for saving the mortgage and property taxes.  She (or I) could probably get $30k as is for the 5 acres.  I don't want to deal with it,  even to part the property taxes to prevent it from going into default again.  I could afford to. I'm NC with that too.  It's not entirely logical.

[Kwamina]

With this incident,  I felt like I did something wrong.

When you say you felt like you did something wrong, are you talking about you leaving those empty cases there all those years ago? Or are you talking about the way you handled things after you got that call from the sheriff's deputy?

[Turkish]

Leaving the cases since it resulted in drama. 

[Kwamina]

Leaving the cases since it resulted in drama. 

But even if you hadn't left those cases, there was still a high likelihood of drama considering that dude's dramatic nature. Generally speaking, it might be better not to leave such cases lying around somewhere, yet when looking at the cause of the drama, I would say it is 100% that dude. And the reason there is a connection to him at all is that your mother had taken him in all those years ago. And the reason she did that was related to her disorder and her disorder is at least partly very much related to the things she herself experienced as a child. So there are many factors here leading to drama and you leaving those cases there seems like the least problematic factor in my parrot eyes

[Turkish]

The guy had to dig into a lot of stuff to find those things. 

I got a call last week from the deputy again.  The guy returned.  Neighbor called the sheriff. He asked if I gave permission to tell the guy that he was not to be on the property "since you're caretaking." I told him that I wasn't caretaking but that for sure the guy wasn't supposed to be there. I told him where to find my mom if needed. 

[Kwamina]

More evidence that this guy is indeed the cause of the current drama.

I am glad your mother isn't living there now.

Not the caretaking wolf but the monitoring from a safe distance wolf  Good lesson for everyone, being caring without actually taking care of the other person.