What to do about the "Rescuer"

[SurvivingBP17]

As I was reviewing the lessons found in this site, I came across the thread about the Karpman Triangle.  I have to say that when dealing with my uBPDw, it is quite a challenge to avoid creating these triangles.  With so much turmoil in my relationship, I am constantly looking for release valves.  I want very badly for someone to jump in and rescue me from the situation.  But, I also know that this behavior is not necessarily the right thing to do.

6 months ago, when my uBPDw and I were in the throws of another breakup, her cousin moved into our home.  At the time I felt that it was a good idea.  He and I have been good friends over the years, and I felt that it would be good for her to have someone she could vent her frustrations to, and for me it would be someone to hang out with and perhaps a distraction from her behaviors.  I also have to say that, I really had no choice in his moving in, so I was supportive of the new guest.

At one point in time I confided in him about the strained relationship I was in and asked him for advice.  His response was that he was no expert in relationships and that I was trying to draw him into a Karpman Triangle.  I understood the response, felt a little guilty and acknowledged that he was not willing to help.

So here we are 6 months later.  I am being forced to leave the house.  Day in and day out I can see him taking on more and more responsibilities that are typically mine to take care of, mostly household chores.  But I have even seen him scold my children.  Strangely my uBPDw is fiercely protective of our children, and typically would confront anyone who dared to scold her children.  But for some reason she says absolutely nothing to him.  I have made comments to him that he is crossing some boundaries, but when I mention it to her she is defensive of him. 

I should also say that nearly everyday they hangout.  They go to the bar together, go shopping together, and generally spend free time with eachother.  If I didn't know better I would say that they are dating.  And worst of all he kows about her infidelity.
 And yes I am jealous of their relationship.  But I also think its messed up for another man to spend so much time with another man's wife. Especially when he knows about the ongoing issues within the house.

As I said I am jealous, but try to keep the situation in perspective. While he is not responsible for any of my feelings or my marriage, I can't help but view him as an obstacle in recovering my floundering marriage.  My question to you all is, am I right to be upset about this relationship. I can see how he has become the "white" while i am the "black".  Should I confront him about it? Should I confront my uBPDw about it?

As always thanks in advance for your help. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Harley Quinn]

Hi Surviving,

It's great to hear that you read the article on Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle.  It's a really enlightening piece and I gained a great deal of insight into my r/s by absorbing the information within.  Which role do you feel you tend to adopt?  

I have to say that when dealing with my uBPDw, it is quite a challenge to avoid creating these triangles.

This is extremely common, which is why the Karpman Triangle information is so valuable a resource.  We can adopt the roles without needing a third party to be involved also.  Having an understanding of this can allow us to spot when we are gravitating towards the stance of a rescuer or victim (personally I tend to go between the two) in a BPD r/s.  At the end of my r/s I even became the persecutor.  What did you learn from the article that you would say applies to your current situation?  

I felt that it would be good for her to have someone she could vent her frustrations to, and for me it would be someone to hang out with and perhaps a distraction from her behaviors.

From what you describe about how their relationship has developed, it would appear that your wife is getting the listening ear you had hoped for.  By being that person for her, she is seeing him as her rescuer as you put in your title.  :)oes that feel like competition for your role and would you say your role has changed as a result?  

I'm interested to know how your r/s with her cousin is now?  You state that you were friends for a long time prior.  Has this eroded in light of the competition you're perceiving and do you feel he also sees you as a threat to his popularity with her?  What I am trying to establish is whether this discomfort goes both ways or if he is still open to your friendship also?

Lastly, when they spend time together, is that time you would normally be spending with her or is it time that she is free and you are unavailable?  There is a difference between spending time you're not free with her and spending time with her that would usually be spent with you.

Love and light x

[SurvivingBP17]

For me, I try stay out of the triangle. The optimal word being try. But I've been all three at one point or another. She has lots of conflicts with other people, so I am usually the rescuer. While I don't think some of the conflicts are what she makes them out to be, I try to be supportive.  If I were to tell her she is overreacting, I would immediately become the target of agression. I've played the victim a few times. But I've learned two things about doing that. 1. Nobody that knows her would dare confront her. Unless that want an express ticket out of her life. 2. I will never, ever, ever, be allowed to play the role of victim to her.  And then of course I've slipped up and become her persecutor. I was horrible about it until I started getting counseling. So now I try very hard to keep out of that role. Because with my w, a benign statement can make me the persecutor unintentionally.  

Reading about the triangle helped me identify moments in my r/s when I was trying to move ownership and responsibility of my problems on others. It taught me how to recognize when I was unnecessarily dragging others into situations that I should be handling myself. It also taught me that since I have accepted the role as her caretaker, I will most ly find myself in the rescuer role quite often.

You make a point about getting what I asked for though.  He is doing exactly what I thought he would. And quite honestly, I probably wouldn't complain if I wasn't being looked at as the persecutor currently. The r/s between myself and he'd cousin is somewhat strained at this point. We share a very similar moral code. But becasue she is family to him, the loyalty resides with her. And likewise, becasue I am not married to him , my loyalty resides with her. I mention that because, on occasion he has asked me to go hangout. I typically decline becasue my w sees it as me wanting to get away from her and an attempt to steal his attention from her. There is direct correlation in the time I spend with other people and increases in hostility. It's like she gets hit with a double dose of abandonment, which is then transferred directly to me. smh And as far as venting my frustrations about her to him... .well I once sent him a text about how I was having a really hard time dealing with the way things were going with her. I felt that I could find some support in him. I had my times before about other stuff. He was kind enough to share my messages with my w. Needless to say, I came under heavy fire from her when they got home. I Definitely played the persecutor role that night. So yes, the r/s with him is different now.

I will admit though that I am jealous. The time he spends with her used to be time I spent with her. Dinner used to be a family event; at times just me and her, while the kids ate in front of the tv (don't judge us ;-) ). Now there are times when she will make dinner, and then go out with him to eat somewhere else. At least 3 nights a week, they're at the bar.Trips to the grocery store, etc. It's been months since her and I went somewhere together. Probably not long before he moved in.

And as far as competition.  I do feel like I'm competing for my life. Without being asked he continues slip into roles I have always filled. Not in a bold, "get out of the way, I'll take it from here" kind of way, but slowly he's starting to do everything I do. For instance I usually help m w prepare the plates and pretty much act like a gopher while she cooks. The other day, she started earlier than normal and I wasn't there. When I heard the familiar sounds of her making dinner, I went to assist. Low and behold, there he is doing exactly what I normally do. To the outside world, this seems like no big deal. But to my uBPDw, I am not helping her make dinner. 1 point for the cousin: 10 point deduction for the husband.

I have to be careful though, before I start vilifying him. Im not sure if i'm actually upset with him. He's a good guy. Who always looks for opportunities to be helpful and useful. When he first moved in, he didn't do anything at all. I actually thought he was pretty lazy (w may have even told him so). Again, I'm getting what I asked for.  

I'm just having trouble accepting the current situation.

[Enabler]

My experience has been that regardless of how many details your wife has given the new rescuer (be that a potential replacement of not), many men/women believe it will be different for them and therefore unconsciously trot down the very same paths previous failed rescuers have gone down. I suspect that it's the way that the behaviours are framed, the honesty with which the pwBPD illustrates many of their historical indiscretions. Looking back on my own personal experience, my uBPDw laid all of her cards on the table about infidelity but she framed them in a way that she was the victim, either by lack of care and attention from her BF at the time or that these other men took advantage of her. It involved sympathy for her and actually encouraged the white knight in me. This cousin may well believe that he has rigid boundaries, believes that he can see the situation for what it is, but in reality he's very unlikely to be able to see and experience the small kinks in day to day reality that generate the full experience of living being intimate with a pwBPD. He most likely believes he's doing what is right, being caring for someone who needs his help, and unlike you, he doesn't resent it YET. He is meeting her practical and probably emotional needs, and most likely she is meeting his need for significance.

The subtlety with which rescuers adopt practical tasks which go against reasonable logic and the process by which they transition from Her role to my/your/cousins role is such that it goes unnoticed unless you look in the rear view mirror... .e.g.

Wife - I've been so swamped with stuff this week, I've not been able to make it to the supermarket to do the shop, you wouldn't mind stopping on your way home from work would you?
Me - Yeah sure sweetie, I know you've been jammed (actually I don't know that at all but you've told me you've been jammed so I kinda believe you and I don't have the heart to pull the BS card on you, plus I know if I did you would get all defensive on me and ignore me for a week so I'm just going to roll with it), I was going to play football tonight but I'll do this instead.

1 Week later
Wife - You able to stop at the shops on the way back home tonight? We just need a few things (list which looks very much like the weeks shop)
Me - Yeah sure, send through the list. How comes you've not been able to go yourself this week?
Wife - WELL OF COURSE I WOULD HAVE GONE HAD I HAD TIME BUT I'VE NOT, ARE YOU IMPLYING I'M LAZY OR SOMETHING?

1 Week later
Wife - Here's the list of things you need to get on your way home from the shops tonight.
Me - Okay

In reality it's a slower process than that. I know she should be doing it, she's now convinced herself that her life is far far to busy to do the shopping (however in reality it isn't at all). I've been unwilling to take the relationship pain to place ownership of responsibility back where it belongs as it's similar to having an argument with someone with a gun. I know i've gone off on one here but I was just trying to illustrate how your cousin might feel like he's being nice and kind, but subtly his good deeds will turn into the transfer of responsibilities from you... .to her... .to him. pwBPD are not comfortable with responsibility as responsibility = potential for future failure = potential for shame. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi SurvivingBP17,

I'm sorry to hear about this drama triangle in your relationship. That is really tough. In my experience, it can be quite a challenge to see our role and how we are contributing. I'm sure I've participated in countless Karpman merry-go-rounds. 

Keep reading the material on this subject, and keep practicing moving toward the center. How is the communication between the three of you?

I am being forced to leave the house. 

If this house belongs jointly to you and your wife, I'm not sure that anyone can "force" you to leave. Have you let her know that you don't want to leave and don't intend to?

If it were me, I'd call a family meeting where all three of us could sit down and discuss how to resolve the situation. "Honey, I hear that the marriage is over for you and you want me to leave the house. I can understand you not wanting me here; I'd feel the same in your shoes. This marriage is not over for me, however, and I intend to keep living in this home. I'm open to finding a way to resolve this situation that works for all of us."

Do you think something like that might help?

It sounds like you've been here countless times, but this time the cousin's presence has exacerbated the issue and is giving your wife a release valve so that she may not be as willing to try to salvage your relationship. Does it feel different to you, too, or is this where you've been before?

heartandwhole