What can I do - married with three kids.

[Dolphin786]

Hi everyone

Very grateful to have found this page.

I'm married and we have two kids 5 and 1 with baby on the way in 5 months.

Things have been rocky since the start but I believe my wife has ,BPD. Reading the description of someone with BPD feels very familiar. My wife is unstable and verbally and physically violent. (Not in front of the kids - yet).

We have tried counselling but that ended after my wife assaulted me in front of the counseller. I'm kinda glad someone else saw it as I've spent the night in a cell twice because she claimed I attacked her which was self basically defence.

She has had a very difficult childhood both parents basically treated her very badly esp her mom.

I've got my own issues I'm very introverted and like my own company and don't show a lot of emotion which probably doesn't help at all.

I'm at the point where I'm not willing to put up with the physical attacks - they are rare but it's put me in a place where all I want to do is not see her but I worry what will happen to the kids.

I'm very lucky to have a great job that's very flexible otherwise we would be financially struggling aswell.

Welcome any advice as I'm very conflicted about what to do.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lakebreeze]

Welcome to the family! I'm sorry for all the hardship and struggle that has brought you here but you have found a wonderful support group. Nobody can make the hard decisions for you but we have all made them or or making them now. So what ever the outcome you will have a sympathetic ear here.
I don't know how familiar you are with BPD. If not take some time to check out the articles on this sight. Some books that really helped me were stop walking on Egg shells and Stop Caretaking the BPD or narcissist. In a nutshell these will help you to stop making things worse. A therapist that I talked to explained it as leaning how to stop putting gas on the fire. It's hard. It's kind of rewiring alot of your natural responses.  Even if you end up leaving these skills will benefit you.
You mentioned you have your own issues. Yeah, we all do. Don't beat yourself up over them. Make your own mental health and physical health a priority. Take care if you because nobody else will. And your kids need you as mentally healthy as possible. Have you ever talked to a therapist? Maybe consider it? I insisted for a long time it wasn't me so no reason for me to go. I wish I went years ago. It really helped me sort things out.
We did marriage counseling too. It never went well. I hear that this is not uncommon for BPD.

Anyway, I've rambled on a bit here but I'm sure our far more qualified members will chime in with there two cents. I wish you all the best!

[pearlsw]

Hi Dolphin786,

Let me follow up on Lakebreeze's kind & helpful reply and welcome you as well!



Let me point you quickly to this link from the Relationship Tools and Skills Workshop: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0  It gives helpful information on men experiencing domestic violence. If you get to take a look let us know what you think of the issues raised there. Anything you relate to?

I'm a bit introverted and certainly less emotional than my partner as well!  I know how hard balancing that can be!

Yes, it's very important to handle this DV situation, without you and your kid's having safety all the other issues won't be able to improve either.