How am I feeling?

[EdR]

Hi there! It's been more than 3 weeks now since my pwBPD finally replied and confirmed that she wanted to cut off every contact with me. I asked her that literally, because her Silent Treatment was driving me insane. And she confirmed it by almost copying my question word for word and turning it into an answer.
So how am I doing now? Well, better... .but I still feel the pain and sometimes I even feel like I am in a crisis mode... .Talking about 'NC' would be ridiculous, since there just has been no contact to honour her wish. 'NC' sounds like a strategy. This is not. But I do feel the Silent Treatment is over though. Yes... .she still is definitely as silent as a dead man, but this time it does not feel like she is punishing me. It's just over. Done.

So how am I feeling then?

Happy and calm
First of all, her final and first unambigious test did what I suspected it would do. It took away the urge to contact her. And I am really truly happy about that. The lack of closure still hurts though... .but I do not expect to find closure unfortunately. I feel calm in a way. Happy and calm.

Confused
I rationally understand her behaviour and her unfortunate shift from my best friend to ... .well... .someone who just hurt(s) me. Rationally I can blame the BPD traits. However, emotionally I still absolutely cannot understand it. More than 2 years of idealising... .and then *poof* I became devalued.
 
Hurt
The hurt is still quite powerful. It's the hurt directly resulting from the end of our friendship / r/s. It's the hurt resulting from all the weird behaviours, the splitting black. etc. etc.
But something which is quite difficult for me results from the previously described confusion. Sometimes I wonder whether or not blaming BPD traits isn't just a little too convenient. I never was someone who likes labels, so from time to time I see her on FB seemingly doing just fine. Living like every normal human being on the planet. A pwBPD is not missing an arm, so it is a little easier to ignore the perceived illness for a while. I then imagine what the reasons behind her splitting black and treating me like crap all of a sudden could be without blaming BPD.
I do this a lot... .and I get stuck every single time... .I then try to blame myself instead, but without trying to sound like a complete jerk: I really do not know what I have done so wrong. I wish I could blame it all on me though... .

Scared
Sometimes I am scared... .I am scared of her continuous influence. I just noticed she's adding some of MY female friends on FB. She DOES NOT know them and they do not have any common interests or something. This really scares me... .what is happening here? Is she trying to paint me black all over again? Is she trying to get little pieces of information? I don't like this one bit 

[EdR]

So looking specifically at being scared; did you guys experience stuff like this as well? Befriending your (!) friends on social media without even knowing them?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi EdR,

Firstly to say that it's great you're actually thinking about and identifying your feelings.  Can you be OK with them as they are without feeling a need to think into them?  In other words, it's alright to feel hurt by what has happened.  You don't need to assign anything more to that, including trying to blame yourself.  Does that make sense?  Better that we let the hurt, well hurt and accept it for what it is.  A feeling and like all feelings it will come and go.  If we get too caught up in the thoughts we may not process the feelings and they can hang around much longer as a result, until we do process them properly.  I speak from experience, as someone who has pushed things down for years and they come back to haunt me.  When I learned mindfulness I became very aware of that and that it's much healthier to stand and face our feelings as they happen without judging them or trying to push them away.  What a difference that makes!

Regards the friending stuff, it does sound like something my ex would do if I gave him opportunity.  I don't use SM at all, for a number of reasons, not least being what I read here on any given day. 

Seems to me you have two options.  Continue looking at what she is doing and torturing yourself with questions about her motives... .or stop looking.  What she does she will do with or without your worrying about it.  It is up to her now if you are no longer together how she conducts her life. 

Before social media people parted ways and got on with their lives and that was the end of that.  SM is not great for many real life situations it seems, especially breakups.  Have you considered leaving your account untouched for a while to take a break away from painful reminders past or present, in order to begin to heal?  It's one thing being away from the dramas of our r/s's in our daily lives, but then opening up a screen and finding ongoing dramas unfolding just draws us back in and doesn't allow for that space and time to gather our thoughts and feelings.  It could be that she is trying to get a reaction from you.  Does that fit with past behaviour?  3 weeks is not long to have been 'over' when it comes to a BPD r/s.  Perhaps she is hoping to reopen lines of communication and is testing the water. 

Are you ready to let go EdR or would you prefer to reconcile?  What would be the ideal situation for you right now?  This should help inform your next move, if any.

Love and light x

[EdR]

Thank you once again for your reply Harley Quinn.

Yeah, I am a social media dinosaur as well; FB is the only thing I use. I do not like the shallowness of Instagram and snapchat and I must say that FB is becoming more of the same (less genuine interaction, more superficial stuff).

I do feel that her recent actions on FB are not without reason. It's like she is gently poking me.
It is most definitely something she would do. During some of her Silent Treatment/painting me black periods she would suddenly be buzzing around me like a bee again. Quite subtle behaviour, but very much intentional... .
You're right though... .It should not matter to me. But I'm just afraid that she could paint me black again and I could lose some of my friends... .Of course they then would not be very good friends, but I just don't want her to try and influence them.

To answer your final question: these almost 4 weeks have also taught me that my feelings for her were and are more profound than I thought... .
But like I said before:
Without the odd behaviour and BPD traits I would most definitely want to reconnect and well... .tbh perhaps even try and be in a relationship in the long term.
But the weird behaviour is unmistakably there... .I wish I could go back to the first 2 years of our friendship, but I don't think it's possible.

I think my somewhat realistic ideal scenario would then be to have a a normal conversation about everything that happened and to move on as just friends or even just acquaintances. 
But a normal conversation has also proven to be borderline impossible unfortunately... .

[tornANDfrayed]

Hey EdR, you've commented on some of the few posts Ive made here and I felt I owed this community more as I continue to struggle. Ive been observing and still reading up on BPD quite a lot but not really posting. Ive also had some really unfortunate things happen last month that sent me into a terrible state. All on top of being forced to let go and trying to process the breakup with my exBPD partner. Im functioning, but man am I hurting.

One thing that I've experienced and have heard talked about (on NPR recently) more and more is the use of social media and all of the negative influences in peoples lives. This includes neurotypical individuals but wow it musssst be absolute hell for most people with BPD. I know for a fact it is such an unhealthy/crap coping mechanism overall for my BPDex. To get you up to speed, she is a very low functioning person with BPD with few friends in real life and only a handful overall from other parts of the countries, connections I believe she made through support groups and the like. She is a great person, Im not going to take that away from her, but she suffers hard, and its really not her fault. But until she starts making a strong effort to change her ways she needs to be held responsible for her quick poor decisions. Part of me wishes she were at the other end up the spectrum being the type that lashes out so I could call it done swiftly, be mad, learn to get rid of the resentment and fully move on if that makes sense? But back to my two cents on the social media and FB bit.

I absolutely witnessed her 'grabbing at straws' and making 'friends' with a few people I had interacted with online. Granted we live in the same small town, she's never met these people in real life. One of them (a guy) I noticed a lot of 'liking' of photos back and forth for a bit and her commenting in a cute way trying to reel him in essentially. All of this even though their ideals don't even seem to match, what she actually stands for and so on. Ive since noticed her delete some of her comments on his page, stuff I witnessed her do before towards the end with us. And I think she realizes they won't pan out and thats not what she wanted. So its very messy and sad really. Theres a lot more details I could go into, maybe in a PM sometime if you want but my take is their public image and persona is obviously huge to them. We all tailor what people see of us online to our liking to a degree obviously and thats where the whole phony BS thing comes in with social media, super unhealthy in my opinion. But I know and she admitted a few times that she has posted pictures of herself for validation and what not. She's beautiful so of course she'll get a handful of likes but what does that do for you at the end of the day, you know? Its so temporary and I'd told her before that she goes beyond this gorgeous face. What was frustrating when we were together is when shed post a song that has a strong meaning to her or art or something that she's interested in there would be no likes, but then when it was her pretty face of course the same few guys would give it the thumbs up.

Ill type more a bit later and will be making the rounds when I can but just wanted to throw that out there, which a lot of people know and can see, that social media can be a 'safe' place for them, especially those 30 and under Id imagine. But at the same time its a very dark and unhealthy place. Where they can easily paint a picture of who they kind of wish to be or how they want to be perceived when thats not totally whats going on. Obviously seeing others 'succeeding' or reaching milestones in life can be upsetting, I know its this way for healthier neurotypical people. But its such hell for them, it really sucks to witness. I don't know if you've ever glanced at the BPD subreddit or are familiar? I know reading some of that has helped me in some ways to 'get into their minds' a bit as far as depersonalizing my own experience. Its absolutely reaffirmed some ideas I had and my understanding of things. Some posts I've seen in regards to how many of them interact and do with social media hits the nail on the head 100%.

I hope you can have a good night tonight, talk soon.

[EdR]

Wow... .Just wow... .

Today her two "evil friends" showed up at my workplace (I still feel they were a major negative influence when she suddenly split black).

I heard them mentioning me, but when I just pretended to be unaffected they disappeared after a few minutes.

What the hell are they doing ? Why come to my workplace?  I hate this... .

I really feel this is all just to get some reaction out of me :-(