its been 4 years since i met the person who would soon destroy me

[burrymemarryme]

Please help me find a comfortable way to get her out of me life. (this is all a very long story short)
I met this girl we will call Salem 4 years ago. We dated off and on for 3 years. Every single time we broke up she had rebounds mostly the same person. i have only recently found out BPD was her disorder. I knew after the first year there was something wrong with her but to be simple i just called her crazy. Push/Pull Love/Hate. I WAS ALWAYS WRONG. the first week i met her was the best week i ever had with her. she was absolutely adorable, nice, and caring. things started being strange when she would obsessively text me and demand i spent all my time with her. This was the first time i left her. Not to mention we were teenagers so i wasnt too scared of leaving this relationship but of course she ALWAYS came back begging to make things work. Things only got worse the 3 other times i was officially with her. i would bring her flowers and try to be the best girlfriend i could for her. NEVER enough. she became utterly sarcastic, violent (towards the wall) soon the sarcasm just turned to straight up verbal abuse. I an say i have made mistakes in our relationship but i will not take full blame for the way things have ended up. After the love/hate became very frequent i left. and there goes the same ___ walking out her house the next day. She told me she hated me and wished i would of died(more than once... ) it has gone as far as i was sent to the mental hospital for a ialed suicide attempt because it just hurt me so bad going through this cycle over and over again. i have her name carved in my thigh and its scars to this day. Im also not saying im completely normal either i have C-PTSD and DID. Although she would never believe that. she blocks me unblocks me constantly since our last break up. She always comes back to tell me how much she loves me and misses me just to say she hates me and i was never her friend.
The past year she has been in a relationship off an on as well with another girl who happens to have alot in common with me. She says im her FP and thats what makes me so important in her life. this is the point where about 2 in a half months ago she got in contact with me again and had told me about her BPD, and how sorry she was. i held up a guard this time i know these games i know the cycle and what to you know two weeks ago she told me she hated me and blocked me on every social media i didnt already have her blocked myself. I KNOW she will come back please please what the hell do i do im going crazy
its so hard to just let her go i need someone who can understand

[itgetsbetter94]

Honey, we ALL understand.
Look, it's of the utmost importance for you to go strict NC. She already pushed you to the edge of suicide. This person is highly lethal for you.
You're asking for a relief from her, but she will never give you that. She's simply not capable. She is not your cure, but your poison.

It's absolutely scary and horrible to see what r/s with pwBPD can do to the person. You literally have to stay away from her in order to save your life.

Please, post here frequently so we can give you support and hold your back.

If you haven't started counselling yet, I would strongly advise you to find a good psychiatrist.  It's not a luxury at this point, it's a necessity.

You're not alone in this, just look how many threads there are on this board.  People suffered terrible and managed to restore their lives.

You will heal, I promise. But, please, go strict NC immediately and find a counsellor asap.