BPD Wife - Not sure what to do

[Motorcycle Man]

I'm not a mental health professional but have been married for 20+ years to a loving woman.  When she's on track, she is loving, supportive, and a great partner.  Shortly after our engagement, I had a feeling that something was wrong with her but couldn't identify it.  I cried on my way to the wedding and dismissed it as "cold feet" and ignored my feelings.  Fast forward to about 1 year ago and through some reading and discussions with various therapists, I've discovered that her erratic behavior, that is symptomatic with BPD or the result of PTSD (she was emotionally abused by her father and physically assaulted in her late teens and early 20s) has been a source of sporadic and unpredictable irrational outbursts of anger and mistrust during our marriage. I've been blaming myself for all of these situations and it's taken a big toll on my otherwise happy life.  I take ownership for the normal conflicts of marriage but this one has driven me to depths of depression.  Despite every effort I've made to try and believe that she is mentally ill and I am not to blame, every time she has a rage or just the daily put-downs she dishes out, I blame myself and it consumes all of my energy and thoughts.  I want to remain in the marriage but realize that her reluctance to admit that she's ill and needs help is a block to making any progress.  Any suggestions or stories of success would be greatly appreciated.  I don't want to leave her but if I stay, the pain will eventually cut my life short. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Motorcycle Man,

Welcome to the family! You are not alone, okay! Many of us share similar experiences and struggles to what you have described. I know how painful it can be when you begin to get all of this information and it can seem hopeless and overwhelming. There are some Success Stories at the top of this board. I reread them often to lift my spirits. One thing you will notice here is that there is a lot you can do, just on your own, even if she does not get a diagnosis or treatment to help the dynamics. Just learning how to validate, how to not JADE (justify/argue/explain/defend), how to depersonalize her behaviors, etc. are things you can do right away to help the dynamic. There are some success stories, but also keep in mind, many of the successful people leave the boards and we don't always hear from them again. But we love to hear from them! (see here too: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=317016.0) The boards and resources here can help you no matter what stage you are in, if you want to work on improving, or the days you are in crisis, or have a particular problem we can all put our eyes and brainstorm responses to with you. We're here!

Does your wife want any treatment to help her cope with her abuse and anger issues? Would that be a way to get her interested in dealing with some of that?

Personally, my situation is far from perfect, but at least on most days, by using the tools here I feel better, less confused, and more able to head off or blunt some of the worst reactions from my h. He is still going to dysregulate at points, he may also be bipolar I am not sure, and he thinks he has PTSD, but on a day to day basis I tend to hear nice things. It is only when his thinking is extremely black that I get the worst sides of him. I can't do it all, and it would be nice if he could get some help for some of his issues, but we can't do anything right away due to financial constraints. There is hope, but a lot of it comes from making adjustments to yourself, but since you can do that with some effort... .you can at least control that!

take care, pearlsw.  

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Motorcyle Man,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are hurting so much. The words our pwBPD can he so painful. You said that you were worried your life will be cut short. Could you explain what you mean by this?

Sadly, it's very hard to get our pwBPD to admit they have an issue. In many situations they may never get to that point. But there is hope for you. We have so many lessons and tools on the right side of the page that can help you begin to work on your own response to your pwBPD. Often by changing your response you can start to feel empowered and gain hope. Finding Inner Strength and Hope

When your wife gets angry, how do you respond?

[Motorcycle Man]

Hi  pearlsw.  Thank you for responding and for your support.  You mentioned depersonalizing her behaviors and this is the area where I struggle the most.  Ever since I can remember, I have interpreted her erratic behavior as something that I must have done to create it.  For many years, I struggled with this and after reading a great book "Stop Care taking for the Borderline / Narcissist" by Margalis Fjestad and having some conversations with mental health professionals, it was clear that she was mentally ill and not all of the rages were my fault.  In fact, I overcompensate in my behavior to prove my worth but I have yet to be successful with separating myself from taking this behavior so personally.  About one year ago, we began Family Therapy to help us cope with a tragic situation that happened to one of our children and from that, came a few couples sessions however, there wasn't  much progress.  I don't mind taking the lead in making the appointments but she relies on me to do this so I'm wondering if she really cares.  She exhibits the same behavior when having to book appointments for other things so it may be that she is incapable of taking this next step.  I'm frightened too because I still love her but I know that unless she can get help, our relationship will fail.  We went on vacation last year and my otherwise very stable digestive system was a mess for the entire trip... .until we arrived at the airport to return home.  I'm not sure if she is cognizant of the fact that she needs help.  She doesn't trust any doctors and refuses to go even when she's sick.  I traveled to my home town a couple of weeks ago to spend time with a couple of my high school buddies and had a great time.  When I returned home, I was given the "third degree" because she was convinced that I went there hoping to see a woman who is the wife of one of my best friends because she believes that I have some secret relationship with this woman which is the furthest thing from the truth.  In fact, she and her husband, another one of my close HS friends, live in another part of the country and I rarely speak to either of them.  She saw a posting on FB that showed "the wife" visiting what she thought was my home town and that set off the rage.  My buddy and his wife weren't even in the same state as I was.  This is a pattern she shows with other women and has done so for many years.  I'm totally faithful to her and have never cheated.  I don't deserve to be treated this way.  Sorry to rant!  I hope that your situation will improve and I wish I had some advice for you.  Best of luck through the holiday. 

[Motorcycle Man]

Hi Tattered Heart.  Regarding that my life would be cut short, I was referring to the damage to my physical health that the stress has caused and feel that ultimately, I could have less years to live than I would have without it.  No suicidal thoughts!  When my wife gets angry, I get nervous and very defensive.  I stutter when I respond and often will "alter the truth" with the hope to get me through her rages.  When my children were younger, she threatened to take them away from me so I was always cowering with the hope to satisfy her so she wouldn't.  I breathed a sigh of relief when my youngest turned 18.  I'm now trying the following coping mechanism.  I keep telling myself that I have nothing to lose if I respond by "standing up to her"and not cowering.  I haven't tested it yet but I have a couple of short business trips coming up during the next few weeks and when I told her about the travel, I could feel the heat beginning to increase as she began interrogating me about why I had to make these trips and for the second trip of 3 nights, was the day 3 meeting all day?  The behavior I can control is mine and that's what my mission is.  Thanks for responding.  This hell is too much to handle alone.

[JoeBPD81]

I'm sure all of us relate to that. We have to be alert all the time, and we don't know when we are going to be attacked. I get up and I take a deep breath before living my bedroom, I kind of assume I'm gonna get a cold welcome, or even a hostile one, and I concentrate in advance on not reacting. This is the start of my day, even if the night before ended beautifully. So I get on guard even if I know I didn't do anything "wrong".  So if I have to comunicate something, or I did something that I know she's not going to like... .You know.

I see that sometimes I get so nervous that even when she doesn't react bad, I was so worked up that I react bad, so I guess all of us disregulate in one degree or another.

We need to react to the facts. But we have our own cycle of feelings that disregulates us and makes us feel and act worse. I have a bad response - a loved one shouldn't treat me this way - but I fear standing up for myself - what a coward I am - who would love a coward like me - no wonder my Rs is so sad - this sadness is taking a toll on me - I should have a life that fullfils me... .

We can chain judgements like that from here to the sun. And we feel worse by the minute. I've gone through exercises that say "describe the situation" if I start to judge, I go back to the begining and I try to describe without the judgements... .It's so hard, and then I forget and I go back to the old cycle.

We do our best, and we should celebrate that, even as we keep trying to be even better. We cary a lot that is not ours to carry, and still we expect us to be perfect. Be kind to yourself, mate.

[Tattered Heart]

I haven't tested it yet but I have a couple of short business trips coming up during the next few weeks and when I told her about the travel, I could feel the heat beginning to increase as she began interrogating me about why I had to make these trips and for the second trip of 3 nights, was the day 3 meeting all day?  The behavior I can control is mine and that's what my mission is.  Thanks for responding.  This hell is too much to handle alone.

I know that feeling all too well. It's tiptoeing around, walking on egg shells, hoping that we can regain some semblance of control. But has that really worked? She still gets mad right?

I know for myself I found that when I walked on egg shells around my H, it actually made things worse. He picked up on my nervousness and tension, which caused him to think I was trying to hide something. Through posting here, working through the lessons and workshops, I'm now at a point where I can for the most part share with him what I need to share without fear of him getting too angry.

One of the first communication skills I implemented for myself was Don't JADE. When you find yourself starting to justify, argue, defend, or explain yourself to your W, just stop. I always try to slow the conversation down too. So if I say something and my H starts to get worked up, I'll control my breathing, my response time, quiet my voice, etc all so that I can give myself a little space to think through my answers, see it from his perception, and communicate better.

[Motorcycle Man]

Thanks for all of the support.  I'm trying a new "coping skill" by reminding myself several times per day that I have nothing to lose.  This has given me some inner peace but I'm sure that even putting my best effort forward, the next rage will be devastating.  Good luck all for the upcoming Thanksgiving Holiday.  Emotions can be high and many times brings out the worst in people's behavior.