Issues with my mother/forgiving an emotionally unstable parent? (LONG)

[moscas]

So I'm not even sure if this is the right place to post, since my mother has never been diagnosed with anything, but after I've recently broken up and gone NC with a boyfriend with overwhelmingly BPD traits my first thought was "I need to break up with my mom too." It's a strange thought, but that was one of my first revelations after the break-up, and I've also done a lot of analyzing of the relationship and the things I put up with, the ways I reacted and why. So suddenly I just felt this need to distance myself from my mother too cause I realized I can't tolerate another emotionally unstable person who respects no boundaries in my life. I'm also pregnant with my first child after this boyfriend and I'm thinking a lot about what kind of parent I should and want to be. Cause these days I feel a lot of anger, hurt, bitterness and hate towards my mother and I try to have as little contact with her as possible. And the thing is, I have much easier time forgiving my bofriend for the things he has done and accepting that he has a personality disorder he can't handle, but I have a much harder time accepting bad behaviour or mental issues from my mom. I feel like I can't forgive her.

So my mom, she was very emotionally unstable when I grew up, and very inconsistent in her emotional responses. I remember the distinct feeling of being unloved by her. In hindsight I realize she just probably wasn't able to express those emotions then, she felt often aloof, cold, and never genuinely interested in anything I did.
She also had a hard time being empathetic or comforting whenever something bad happened. Usually she would get mad at you if you were sad or feeling down and in need of comfort. (for example, my pet guinea pig died when I was 11 and I was devastated, her response was raging at me and I just withdrew until Dad came home, cause he was the one who actually listened and could give comfort).

I think what was most damaging for me in early years was her lack of interest, coldness, aloofness alternating with loving and caring moments, and her inappropriate responses in times of need. She could never stand when some of us children were ill for example. She would always question if you were really ill and then she would accept it for a while and take care of you when she had to, but her patience was always very short in situations where you weren't feeling well or were dependent on her.

What bothered me as I grew up was that she could never emphatize with other people, only if she had been through the exact same thing, otherwise she just wouldn't understand the situation. Only things that she was (and is) really interested in and understands is herself and what happens to her and she has a very hard time in finding interest in others or share other people's perspectives.

As a teenager I started to become very 'parentified' by her I now realize. Her and dad had a lot of crises in their marriage and she really started oversharing about her emotional life and problems with me. At first I felt validated by this, cause she had never talked to me or shared with me in that way before. Looking back I feel it was far too much emotional burden to put on a teenager. I quickly felt like I became a mediator between my parents and that it was my job to make them understand each other and solve conflicts that seemed impossible to solve.
When I grew up and moved from home I mostly heard about her instability from other family members. Mom having extreme highs and extreme lows and how those affected the family (she has a way of setting the mood for the day, for everyone). My siblings developed many issues with her early on, and I think they also experienced more of instability in those years than I had. During that time I met up with mom from time to time and we usually did some activity that both would enjoy. Our relationship worked as long as it was superficial, as long as I was still able to be her "therapist" (she continued to share emotional and marital problems with me, and I just accepted this role. But it started to bother me that it was always about her and that she almost never asked how things were going with me).

And then, in later years we've had contact seldomly, or only with the whole family together once or twice a year. The family as a whole almost always had a conflict and it was almost always mom that started it, she would feel neglected in some way, or we weren't living up to her expectations as a family, and she would have tantrums. In later years my dad has also shared with me that she has tantrums with him and takes out negative emotions on him almost all the time.
She has also to this day never had a working one-on-one relationship, professionally or otherwise. In her professional relationships and personal relationships where she has spent a lot of time with one person always followed the same pattern - intense enthusiasm/love with the person, that after a while changed to intense criticism and an abruptly ended relationship with the person. Just very black-and-white thinking.

So for years, the attitude in the family has been that mom is not emotionally stable, that she's not like others and that we just need to put up with her. And this has been natural for me, for so long. Dad became the emotional caretaker when we were kids, if we had problems we would turn to him. Dad is also the one that does EVERYTHING in the household, even since us kids moved out, because Mom refuses to do anything practical in the household. And Dad accepts it cause, he know it's pointless to fight about it. He's basically just accepting everything mom does cause it's easier than putting up with tantrums all the time (but those tantrums still come). I've also come to know in recent years that she's very verbally abusive with dad and alternating between hateful and loving periods a lot. My Dad has no emotional stability in their relationship whatsoever. Mom always shares and takes out all her problems on him. He never shares any of his problems cause mom can't handle other people's problems. (I only know this since I've specifically asked dad about their relationship after seeing some of their fights in later years. Despite this, Dad says he has accepted his fate in life, as he puts it, and the most important thing for him is to keep the peace in the family. He thinks he has a working relationship and good strategy with mom. To me it looks more like enabling).

So what happened after I ended my destructive relationship with my boyfriend is that I recognized some traits between him and my mum. And I also realized how many things I had come to accept as normal during the course of the years (like having extreme fights and listen to verbal abuse and then pretend like nothing happened some hours later. My mother did this a lot and my boyfriend too).

So nowadays my relationship with my mom has turned worse. When I told them about the pregnancy she exhibited all the traits I've had such difficult time dealing with - being happy, loving, supportive one day, and then turn to judgemental and trying to convince me to have an abortion the next day. Turning judgemental on me for having had a destructive relationship, raging at me, saying I'm an idiot etc.
Wanting to hug me and support me and give me comfort the next day.

That was it for me. And later when I finally broke up with my boyfriend, that's when I felt that I need to take a step away from mom too (we live in the same town right now).

Whenever we see each other, we fight. And I feel like I've lost all patience, I get triggered by anything she says. We had a terrible fight a couple of weeks ago when I basically spilled it all, all my grievances about her as a parent, about what the whole family thinks about her, it was horrible. And she suggested we should break all contact and I agreed.
And when I did just that, she just cycled back, pretending like nothing happened, seeking contact and sending fb messages all the time and then turning extremely hurt when I didn't answer them.

She's never wanted to seek help or consider any form of therapy. If you suggest it, YOU'RE the one who should go in therapy (and thanks, mom, I already am). You can never question her in any way, cause she takes everything extremely personally and automatically interprets it as you telling her she's a bad person. There are no in-betweens or nuances with her.
I also feel a lot of anger towards my Dad now, cause I really see how dysfunctional their relationship is now and how much he is letting her get away with. And I know he's doing the best thing he can in the only way he knows ('keeping the peace' but I'm just fed up with it. I've had enough of everyone knowing mom should get help and being a "difficult person to live with" but pretending like everything's fine around her and let her behave however she wants.

So now I'm mostly the bad one since I'm "driving the family apart" by not wanting to have much contact with my mom. If I have contact with dad, she says we are in a conspiracy against her (I think she has always sensed that I have a better working relationship with dad, but she's never realized her behaviour is the reason, and not some 'conspiracy'.
Dad even said that they would try seeing a therapist after a big fight a week ago, but I believe it when I see it. My siblings understand me but they've sort of given up on this whole thing ever changing.

So basically what I feel now is a lot of anger, hurt, bitterness and hate, feelings I haven't had for years with her, and now it's like I'm feeling everything after this break-up and planning for the future with my child and I'm really at a loss. I can't stand my mom, I can't be around her. I don't know how to solve this conflict. Right now I feel incapable of finding any kind of strategy or 'fool-proof' attitude with her. I never want to be like her, being a mom like her is my biggest nightmare. And yet here I am, just coming out of a destructive r/s myself, having a child.
But that's what drives me to also want to work through my issues with her, so she at least can have a (hopefully) normal contact with her grandchild and so I can achieve some stability and make sure I never turn into a parent like her.

I don't know.

This is A LOT, and as I said, my mom isn't diagnosed with anything, and I'm not even sure if she has some BPD traits or if it's something else. But I would be very thankful for any kind of thoughts or input on this from people struggling with similar issues! Thank you for reading x

[Turkish]

I can't stand my mom, I can't be around her. I don't know how to solve this conflict.

When it comes down to it,  I can't stand my uBPDx, but over half of our interactions are ok. She could react differently based upon how I present myself (which is true for anybody). 

From what I read,  the conflict isn't yours to solve.  You can however use the tools to reduce conflict,  even it means being short with her by enacting boundaries. 

Your mom may not likely change,  and the comment about aborting your baby was very cruel.  I'd be hurt and angered enough to never let her see your child. Given the rest of the family,  it's likely that there will be contact with her,  yes?

[moscas]

When it comes down to it,  I can't stand my uBPDx, but over half of our interactions are ok. She could react differently based upon how I present myself (which is true for anybody). 

From what I read,  the conflict isn't yours to solve.  You can however use the tools to reduce conflict,  even it means being short with her by enacting boundaries. 

Your mom may not likely change,  and the comment about aborting your baby was very cruel.  I'd be hurt and angered enough to never let her see your child. Given the rest of the family,  it's likely that there will be contact with her,  yes?

Thanks for your answer! Yes, I'll have contact with her, it's unavoidable if I want to have contact with the rest of the family. Her comment about having an abortion is typically something she won't remember if I ever bring it up, I'm the only one still hurt about it. But yes, I know she probably won't change and I'm the one who can use strategies to manage my contact with her. I just don't know how yet, cause having boundaries with her will be a new thing to learn and I'm not sure how she would respond. (I've already said I don't want any hugs while pregnant or if I don't take the initiative first, but she took it very personally and got hurt). But I'll need to work through my feelings first. I definitely want to have some strategies in place once the baby comes.

[Panda39]

Hi moscas,

First, congratulations on the upcoming new baby!  

I'm on these boards because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and they share two daughters.

Your mom acts in a similar way to my SO's ex both indulgent... .getting all excited about the new baby and neglectful or hurtful... .aborting the baby.  It's very hurtful and confusing to get these mixed messages.  My advice is to try and let that go (I know that isn't easy), but IMO focus on you and the baby... .focus on the positive and not the negative.  Do you have other friends and family that are excited for you?  Try and connect more with those people... .the people that are being supportive.

Boundaries are going to be key for both you and the baby going forward.  But when setting a boundary be prepared for things to possibly get worse before they get better.  You could likely get push back when trying to set a boundary because you are not acting in the way you always have... .in the way that is comfortable and predictable to your mom.  She might even escalate the drama like a little kid having a tantrum... .

Here is my simple analogy... .

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no... .kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum. What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up. (The little kid may try and test the boundary every now and then... .consistency is key)

Boundaries are not there to punish your mom but to protect you and your baby.  When you set them you will need to be prepared to enforce them.  She will most likely not respect your boundaries and will try to boundary bust. Since it sounds like boundaries with her will be new for you, know that it will take time and practice for you to learn, so have patience and show yourself some compassion as you learn something new.

More info on boundaries... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206736.0

Take Care, 
Panda39

[moscas]

Hi moscas,

First, congratulations on the upcoming new baby!   

I'm on these boards because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and they share two daughters.

Your mom acts in a similar way to my SO's ex both indulgent... .getting all excited about the new baby and neglectful or hurtful... .aborting the baby.  It's very hurtful and confusing to get these mixed messages.  My advice is to try and let that go (I know that isn't easy), but IMO focus on you and the baby... .focus on the positive and not the negative.  :)o you have other friends and family that are excited for you?  Try and connect more with those people... .the people that are being supportive.

Boundaries are going to be key for both you and the baby going forward.  But when setting a boundary be prepared for things to possibly get worse before they get better.  You could likely get push back when trying to set a boundary because you are not acting in the way you always have... .in the way that is comfortable and predictable to your mom.  She might even escalate the drama like a little kid having a tantrum... .

Here is my simple analogy... .

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no... .kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum. What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up. (The little kid may try and test the boundary every now and then... .consistency is key)

Boundaries are not there to punish your mom but to protect you and your baby.  When you set them you will need to be prepared to enforce them.  She will most likely not respect your boundaries and will try to boundary bust. Since it sounds like boundaries with her will be new for you, know that it will take time and practice for you to learn, so have patience and show yourself some compassion as you learn something new.

More info on boundaries... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206736.0

Take Care,  
Panda39

Thank you  
Yes, I'm definitely trying to focus on myself and try to find positives in the situation.
Those links are great, thanks! I really feel I need to practice having boundaries with her, and reinforce them in a good way. It's also good for me to remember that things can get worse before they get better when reinforcing them. I think I'll really have to decide what kind of boundaries I need with her and then start to practice them little by little.
Thank you for your kind response

[Brkfst@Tiffanys]

Congratulations on the baby! And amazing work seeking out people to talk with and work through all this! I can't imagine how tough it must be to be post-break-up and pregnant and experiencing these feelings and revelations.

A few random thoughts from a fellow daughter of an undiagnosed BPD mother:

1. Apparently the memory loss is a part of BPD? I always found it weird that my mom would recount the circumstances around her worst rage meltdowns like, "haha, I was so frustrated that day." Like... ."WHAT? Frustrated? You were unbelievably awful!" But apparently memory loss can be a part of BPD: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2633116/. Not particularly helpful, but definitely enlightening for me.

2. I also went through a phase where I just couldn't handle her. We were already in a long-running "fight" (basically me asking what was wrong, and her ignoring me or being rude for 2 months), and I finally took a step back from her. I knew I wanted to make one more, clear-headed, compassionate, thorough attempt to fix things, but I couldn't do it for like 6 weeks. Too angry. But eventually I felt some pity for her - she drives everyone away and I know she doesn't want to be the way she is. I didn't excuse her behavior or give her an opportunity to rage just because she wanted it. But I was motivated by my pity/compassion for her to finally reach out with a long email. Ultimately it didn't work in our case, but I was at peace because I set aside my resentment and attempted to reach out to her and bridge the gap. I felt I did the best I could and that it was no longer on my shoulders - ball's in her court. It took time, and when I finally did have that moment of pity, there was a lot of grief. But it helped me move forward and now I have some acceptance. (I still get mad sometimes!)

3. When I had my revelation that she probably had BPD, it was such a rush of conflicting emotions, and it's changed me permanently. On the one hand, there's all this resentment when you start to realize that even if she didn't put you through (in my therapist's words) "Trauma with a big T," she put you through countless "traumas with a little t." Maybe you did go through Trauma as society recognizes it (typically more on the physical side or quantifiable things like abandonment). My mom didn't do that, but she put me through traumas with her words and her reactions, and that deeply impacted me. It's a shock to the system when you recognize those elements of abuse where you used to think it was normal.

I hope you also feel the immense relief I felt when I figured it out. Like, "Wow, other people know what I'm talking about." It made me feel better, in a way, to see people describing their moms using the exact terms I'd alway used ("like living next to a volcano," "walking on eggshells," "rages," "outbursts," "terrified of her," "her fear of abandonment/lack of trust".

It also gave me some clinical ways of handling her, which helped (me, at least). I knew I could never see her the same way again. I was willing to make an effort to fix things, but that no longer involves subjecting myself to her rages. I can't do it anymore. It means setting boundaries, even though it may make things worse before they get better. I can't turn the light off now that it's turned on, and that means I rock the boat more, but I'm so much more at peace with myself now.

-------------

All in all, time has been the biggest thing for me. Realizing she had BPD didn't make me less afraid of her overnight. It didn't make me more comfortable with picking a strategy to deal with her immediately. I took time and space to work through those feelings, and whenever I had mini-breakthrough, I set out some suggestions for how we resolve things constructively. I made a few requests of her and asked for her discussion on whether or not she thought those requests were fair. I said that I was happy to talk in person or on the phone, but that if things got heated, I asked that we take a break and cool off. Ultimately, my efforts at resolving things on mutually acceptable terms and setting some boundaries has fallen on deaf ears, but over time, I've come to accept that her reactions are her own. I wouldn't say I'm grieving her yet, and I'm still open to resolution, but I'm in a place of acceptance that it takes two to make a healthy relationship, and that she's simply not willing to put in that work right now. My progress is not linear, and I have days when the fear or anger or sadness are stronger than my feelings of acceptance.

Give yourself the permission to take a step back and focus on working through some of those feelings. You and your baby deserve some emotionally calm time together, so try to step out of that burden of fear and guilt and obligation. You may still be unsure of how much you feel like you owe her (I grapple with that), but trust me, it should not come at the expense of your own mental health. Eventually you may come to a time when you have strength to spare and you're willing to use that dealing with her. But for the time being, while your reserves are low and your patience is short, don't put pressure on yourself to keep at to solve conflict with her right now. In time, you will give your best effort, and then it will be up to her to decide to be better.

[GreatListener]

Congrats on the new baby! I can honestly say because you have such a clear ability to practice introspection that you will be nothing like your mother. I hate to see other people going through what I am but at the same time it feels so good knowing I'm not alone (selfish I know). Your description of your interactions with your mom sound like I'm reading an excerpt out of my own journal... .its crazy! The marked cycle of her lashing out one day, and the next day acting as though nothing had ever happened- extremely happy and supportive... .then you naturally say to her "I want nothing to do with you after yesterday leave me the f alone" and she is genuinely perplexed and hurt as to why you're giving this reaction. In her mind the entire episode is erased and she expects unconditional love and support regardless of the past. My mom has literally TORMENTED me over the past 10 years. She has emotionally abused me to the point where I have no self worth. I have talked until I was blue in the face trying to use logic to make her see; and when she doesn't see I resort to anger. It is so frustrating and its eye opening to see these posts and know that it is the disease and not me... .

[bright_future_mama]

Memory loss... .or selective memory?  I don't know, but my BP mom doesn't remember things she has done but remember is excruciating detail any wrong done to her... .

[GreenGlit]

The family dynamics you describe closely mirror those of my own FOO. I also have an unstable uBPD mother with an enabling and submissive father, and I like you have been placed in the role of the appeaser. I was the "rescuer" in the family. I was always supposed to be forgiving and patient of my mother's tantrums. My emotional needs were cast aside and suppressed for the good of the family, whatever that means. I also moved away for college to get away. I also limited contact as the years went on. I also am tired of the fighting when I go home.

I hear about how your mom reacts to your pregnancy and I can't help but see the same dynamics playing out the day my husband and I decide to start a family. You must understand that this has nothing to do with you. Your mother will have unpredictable behavior and tantrums no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try to avoid her triggers, and no matter how much you sacrifice for her. It won't ever be enough, because the problem isn't with you, it is her own profound dark insecurities. And at the end of the day what you have left is a relationship which truthfully makes you profoundly unhappy, destabilized, and leaves you feeling confused and guilty when you are not at fault.

How do you solve the conflict? That's an excellent question. You need to decide who you are solving it for - your mother, or yourself. I had a therapist that would tell me at every session, "This is not a problem you can fix." You can't correct whatever upbringing or nature vs. nurture made your mom the way she is. You can't change the way her brain is wired. You can't help her see how her actions hurt you and hurt the family. You can't make it clear to her how backwards it is to blame you for "separating the family" when you are so simply looking out for your own well-being, because she won't.

These are difficult things to come to terms with. I have very limited contact with my mother for this reason, and especially around the holidays, I feel a tremendous hole in my life. Who doesn't want a nurturing, loving, understanding mother? Unfortunately it's not in the cards for us. The sooner you feel empowered to take care of your own well-being and protect your time, the sooner you will feel stability in your own life. You also have another life to consider - that of your innocent baby. You must build boundaries around yourself and protect your family (the one you have made) from the influences that made you so profoundly unhappy as a child. I think most of us who participate on this board would agree... .we want a better life for our kids.

[Carync]

Dang, I totally get you. I never realized my mom had BPD up until I dated someone with BPD. It blew me away after we dated and I kind of took everything in. I just always thought my mom was some kind of unstable super villian.