Feeling lost

[AussieBrit]

Hi,
I'm in a relationship with someone who has been diagnosed with BPD. I love my partner so much but life is really difficult right now.
My partners insecurities run deep after a life of being treated badly. Most of our conflict is around my female friends. Insecurities and jealousies are trigured easily.

I am always the one to blame, the reason for the bad feelings. I'm never supportive because I do not react or feel the same way about what people say or do. You have one chance with my partner and if you screw that up that's it, the door is closed.

I'm becoming very isolated. I am scared to talk to people in case it is a breach of trust. A friend that my partner feels comfortable for me to speak to one day is a direct threat to her the next.

I avoid calls and ignore messages. I have become secretive with my phone because I can't handle being interrogated about who I'm talking to and why.

I myself have had a traumatic childhood so sense of self and setting boundaries in the relationship is a mountain I'm struggling to climb. I see a psychiatrist who is working with me on this but in the middle of a rage I feel
Self disappearing and I blame myself for everything.

I love my partner, she is a beautiful person and most of the time makes me very happy.
I need someone to talk to, someone who really knows how this feels. I have told friends but it's nearly impossible for them to understand.

Can anyone help me?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi AussieBrit,



I am sorry you are feeling so isolated! Please do not take all your partner says to heart!   It is important to try to depersonalize their hurtful words as much as you possibly can. The more you can tune into when your partner is dysregulating the easier this can get, though hurtful are certainly not easy to hear. Sometimes I swap out hurtful things my partner says with silliness (when they echo in my head later) so I can shed the pain a bit.

Please, please be careful not to lose friends if you possibly can! I hear ya, I don't like to be interrogated either so I tend to be more quiet and think carefully before I speak and worry about how things I share (even from 20 years ago!) could get used against me.

I get it. A lot of our friends don't understand this stuff, but we're here, okay? We understand and here with you.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Aussie Brit,

Welcome

Sorry to hear that your relationship has become so isolating. It can be lonely to feel like you cannot go hang out with friends.

I am always the one to blame, the reason for the bad feelings. I'm never supportive because I do not react or feel the same way about what people say or do. You have one chance with my partner and if you screw that up that's it, the door is closed.

In the past I thought my H wanted me to feel and believe the same things he felt and believed. I would get frustrated because he would make these same accusations against me. I started to learn more about being Validating and How to Stop Validating and I found that he did not want me to agree with him on everything. He just wanted to know that I was listening to him and understood where he was coming from.

For someone with BPD feelings=facts. So whatever it is that they feel in that moment is truth for them, even if it's not reality. If you can first begin by addressing the feelings your pwBPD is experiencing, then it's easier to move on to talking about the reality of the situation.

I'm becoming very isolated. I am scared to talk to people in case it is a breach of trust. A friend that my partner feels comfortable for me to speak to one day is a direct threat to her the next.

I avoid calls and ignore messages. I have become secretive with my phone because I can't handle being interrogated about who I'm talking to and why.

I myself have had a traumatic childhood so sense of self and setting boundaries in the relationship is a mountain I'm struggling to climb. I see a psychiatrist who is working with me on this but in the middle of a rage I feel
Self disappearing and I blame myself for everything.

I love my partner, she is a beautiful person and most of the time makes me very happy.
I need someone to talk to, someone who really knows how this feels. I have told friends but it's nearly impossible for them to understand.

Can anyone help me?
[/quote]

[believer55]

Hi AussieBrit

Please know you are not alone and loving someone with BPD traits can be a very lonely place. I have been with my SO for 7 years (married nearly 1) and no one can really understand what it is like to have the person you love - love you then hate you, adore you then rage at you unless they have been through it themselves.

posting here and reading others stories can make you feel less alone - even though you are the only who can take your journey. We see the Jekyll and Hyde and we feel torn. We want to love and be loved - but sometimes we feel so burned. It is exhausting but we are not alone.

B.

[pearlsw]

Hi Aussie Brit,

Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing these days? Are you finding the information and support you need here to feel less isolated?

-pearlsw.

[AussieBrit]

Hi everyone.

Thanks for taking the time to respond, I wasn't sure what to expect but this is really nice.

It has been an exhausting week since I posted. Things escalated last week to a point we have not been to in our relationship before and the emotional come down from that has been intense for both of us.

I am fortunate I suppose that my SO has a family that is aware of her situation, despite us only learning of BPD 2 months ago. Since then it has been a whirlwind and incredibly hard for my SO to come to terms with, understandably. Her family is amazing and check in with me regularly to make sure I am ok and if I need anything.

Believer55, I agree it is exhausting and at the same time completely worth the highs the relationship can take us to.

Pearlsw, thanks for your message. I try to do the same and also tune into what I think she might be saying about herself behind the hurtful things that are directed at me. Most of the time the direct insults are the easy ones to deal with and for me to brush off. Recently I have struggled with her wanting to leave the relationship because the idea of coming to terms with my history (which is very bland and normal) is too hard. The threat and thought of loosing her is the most painful thing. Unfortunately the closer we become the more uncomfortable she becomes with the idea that I have been with and shared experiences with anyone else. For her the fact I have a past is a real struggle for her, I think mostly because of the abusive past she has suffered. I am finding the advice and support really helpful. Shame I don't have as much time and space to spend with it as I'd like.

Tattered Heart,

In the past I thought my H wanted me to feel and believe the same things he felt and believed. I would get frustrated because he would make these same accusations against me. I started to learn more about being Validating and How to Stop Validating and I found that he did not want me to agree with him on everything. He just wanted to know that I was listening to him and understood where he was coming from.

I completely agree with this and I see it happening a lot with my SO. It is something I am starting to understand more with my therapist and during the times when my SO and I are in a comfortable space to be able to talk.

Do any of you talk about BPD with your SO and or their family? I ask because now that we know about BPD my partner is reading "Stop walking on eggshells" same as myself. We are also seeing therapists that work out of the some clinic. What I see happening now when we have an episode is that my SO knows what I am trying to do in terms of setting boundaries which leaves me feeling like I'm in a canoe without a paddle sometimes.

Do any of you experience this as well or have suggestions?

[virtualfriday]

For me the more lost or alone I feel at a certain time seems to be a 100% reflection on how strong BPD is affecting her at that same moment. If I can find a way to repair and control my emotions I can get us both going on a "snowball" type path by building some momentum towards something better and as a result making us both happier.

[Tattered Heart]

Do any of you talk about BPD with your SO and or their family? I ask because now that we know about BPD my partner is reading "Stop walking on eggshells" same as myself. We are also seeing therapists that work out of the some clinic. What I see happening now when we have an episode is that my SO knows what I am trying to do in terms of setting boundaries which leaves me feeling like I'm in a canoe without a paddle sometimes.

Do any of you experience this as well or have suggestions?

I do not talk with my H about BPD. He actually discovered it about himself about 3 months ago, but he keeps forgetting what it's called and I never bring it up. From my experience though in regards to his behavior, he does not like me to treat him like a problem to be solved.

Do you think your partner may see you trying new things and think you are not treating her like a person, but more like a problem? True validation comes from wanting to understand your partner, not from trying to stop her from getting upset. My H has always been able to tell the difference between the two and when I was just trying to stop conflict, it blows up in my face.

Can you share what boundaries you are working on? Maybe we can help you get a better understanding of what is happening.

[AussieBrit]

Virtualfriday I completely agree with you in terms of how alone I feel being a direct reflection of how my SO is feeling. Something I am finding challenging to moderate.

Tattered Heart, I think your insights are amazing thank you.
It is probably likely my SO has been feeling like a problem. I am aware how setting boundaries can come across like that and soi I am conscious to try to not invalidate her feelings or opinions. For now I am trying to balance listening to understand and setting boundaries to avoid us spiraling. I experience the same thing most of the time when trying to avoid conflict.

We found out about BPD at the same time and the diagnosis has really rocked her and has understandably become overwhelmed.

Most of the boundaries I am trying to set revolve around people in my life of past. For example my SO has deep insecurities about previous relationships, however insignificant. The idea I have had sex with anyone else causes intense feelings and she looks at me with the utmost disgust. Typically she will ask questions about groups she know I am or was a part of and then starts to narrow down a potential list of suspects (her profession has made her extremeley adept at this). I have been working on coming towards her emotionally to try and understand what she is feeling exactly and what exactly is making her insecure. Her therapist and mine (a couple working in the same clinic) have suggested that to avoid us spiralling my SO can have 3 direct questions about what or who she is feeling insecure about.

It's very new to both of us and the last thing I want is to make my SO feel like I'm ignoring her or shutting her out. At the same time I can't keep jumping into the whirlpool and hope that we come out the other side in one piece.
We have had a lot go on recently and my mind is all over the place but that is the simplest example I can think of to begin with.

[believer55]

Hi Aussie Brit... .I can really relate to the jealousy about the past.  My H is my second marriage and we both have children from previous relationships. He can not bear the thought that I dated between my prev marriage ending and him. He can also not bear me talking about being pregnant or raising my kids as little ones. It's like he doesn't want to admit I had a life outside the one we share. The hypocrisy is that he will bring up his past and if he wants to hurt me he will say things like 'well I had heaps of women ' etc.

I find this hurtful and hypocritical but never bite back as it will make things ten times worse. I take this and bury my feelings in the hopes of peace. I fail to see how validation would work in this time when his only intent is to hurt me