Introduction ... another break-up

[Qman]

Hello. An introduction to me. I'm in a relationship with an amazing woman who has BPD and it's pretty brutal on both of us (she's previously been told she's bipolar, saw many psychologists who were really of little help, and just now entering a fairly intensive DBT program, including individual and group sessions over 12 months). She tells me she can't trust me. She breaks up with me over seemingly small things. She will spend days in bed in the dark all day, won't talk to me, won't eat (unless I leave the house, then I notice she will have been up and taken some of the food I've prepared from the fridge). But then after she will reach out and come back to me again, and most of the time we have a very fun, happy, close, and loving relationship (she'll say "I can't trust you, but I can't help myself, I keep wanting to come back to you. Why?".

I've never spoken to anyone else who has a partner with BPD, so this is very new to me. Others have told me, pretty clearly and bluntly, that I should leave her, that I don't need this in my life, and asked the very logical question (which I guess comes up for a lot of people who have partners with BPD): Why would you want to stay in a relationship like that? What is it about me that also makes me want to stay and not walk away from the relationship?

I've come here for some different perspectives. I feel like I want this relationship and I feel that I am committed to it, but it's a rough ride. I'm hoping that with her DBT therapy and me learning more, we can better manage the hard times.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Qman,

Welcome to the family! These are not easy decisions, but there is a lot of information here to help you sort this out every step of the way.  Have you read up yet on the Do's and Don't in BPD Relationships? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

There is definitely reason to have hope - especially if you are willing to do the work involved. Changing/relearning your communication skills can make a big difference.

Many of us don't have people in our lives that "get" BPD or BPD traits so we're lucky to have a place like this where people do understand and can offer us support with the many complicated issues we face.

I have found certain tools are very helpful such as depersonalization, mindfulness, and listening for my partner's feelings beyond his (sometimes) very mean words. Let us know if you have more questions about the tools. A lot of us are in the process of learning them and making mistakes so it can help to talk them out together.

Wishing you the best!

[isilme]

Why would you want to stay in a relationship like that? What is it about me that also makes me want to stay and not walk away from the relationship?

Well, often by the time we realize there is a name for what's happening, we've already committed so much of ourselves to this person and we love them, that we stay.  I think it's very easy, too easy, to simply tell people to leave, find another fish in the sea, you can do better, etc.  It's far different to be the one receiving that advice than the one giving it.

And, all told, if you feel it gets to a point where you CAN'T manage anymore, that is totally okay - only YOU can really make that call.

BPD and maybe bipolar disorder - they can coexist.  My mother was bipolar but now I know her behavior was along the BPD spectrum. 

The trust issues sound frankly very common, as do the periods of, well, depression, when you add in the bipolar possibility.  She is going to push and pull you, want to be part of you but separate.  It's very good that she is currently willing to do DBT - I'd see about also working on any depression or mania she may have as well.  H gets depressed, and then ahs his disordered BPD emotions feed the depression, and it gets really bleak.  I told him yesterday that it was pretty draining to have to exercise a force of will over being positive for both of us.  And winter isn't even here   (He is poorly affected by the change in the seasons and darkness early in the evening).

Keep writing - it really helps. 

[Qman]

Thanks so much for these messages and the support. We had a nasty split on Sunday with her demanding that I move out of the house or she would "take action" (whatever that really meant). I was worried enough that I did - flew interstate to stay with my family for a few days. She was shocked that I actually left and wants me back, but it's given me space to calm down, think, and read and understand more.

I definitely need to work on communication, particularly not "invalidating". We had a very direct (and quite confronting) talk, and she's starting to see patterns in her life and things she wants to change. I really want to see where the therapy leads and develop more my communication skills and being firm with boundaries. I go back home tomorrow.

[SunandMoon]

That's really good Qman - the fact that she recognises things that she wants to change and is starting an intensive DBT programme brings lots of hope to your relationship. You are in a much better position than many people on these boards.

Keep reading other's posts to help your understanding of BPD and learn ways to make it better by working through the lessons (on the right hand side of the board).

DBT can often make things worse before your loved one starts getting better but, by learning the new skills, you can be a great support in hopefully transforming your relationship.
Good luck