Intro

[Vero]

Hello All-

I'm looking to get some support and any advice you can provide based on experience.  I've been with my BPD wife for 9 years, we have 4 children (2 from her previous marriage, 2 of our own).  I've known deep down that it wouldn't last for a while now,  but was unable to leave because I felt obligated to stay for the children and had guilt about spitting up the family. 

I've now come to the conclusion that being in this marriage is damaging to everyone.  She refuses to accept she has a problem, and will not get help.  I do all the housework, work a full time job, manage finances, take care of groceries, etc.  Her only real responsibility is to drive kids to and from school when needed, and she struggles to even do that.  Though we are still living together, I've emotionally detached and decided that I will pursue a divorce after the Holidays. 

I'm embarrassed to say that I've been too empathetic during our marriage and was manipulated many times for her to get what she wanted.  One concern I have in divorcing her is potentially giving up too much to help her, as I have a bad habit of sacrificing myself to help others---something I'm working on in therapy.

Any suggestions or advice based on your experience would be appreciated!

[polaris9]

I am in a similar spot and just filed for separation as, just like you, I felt that we had no reached the point where continuing in the marriage was damaging to me, the kids and (likely) her as well.  My wife also refuses to admit that she has a problem - she says it is all me - or others.

So you are not alone.  All of us in this state have been manipulated through the years.  I have found that now that I have decided that I won't continue in the relationship I am no longer walking on eggshells.  I am not living my life in fear of sparking one of her tantrums as I know that I am moving beyond that and out of the relationship.  That has relieved a lot of stress.

Try to take care of yourself, and good luck!

[Vero]

Thanks Polaris9, I really appreciate it.  Best of luck to you as well!

I've documented many things she has done over the years, and I reference that when I feel down about leaving. That seems to help me remember why I'm doing what I'm doing.  It's still not easy to deal with at times. 

[Panda39]

My suggestion is if you can't fight for yourself (and the question here is why is your own self esteem so low and how can you turn that around), then fight for your children and focus on their needs when they will be with you.

They need a place to live (so do you)
You need enough income to feed, clothe, house, your kids (and for yourself)
Your kids need time with you (and you need time with them)

Focus on your life with your kids.  As hard as this is your stbxw is no longer your concern, she is an adult and perfectly capable of taking care of herself you do not need to "gift" her everything she wants nor should you.  The needs of your children should be your first priority and that will also be the priority of the court.  And don't be fooled by you're the "bad dad" and that she is their mother and knows best garbage that might be thrown at you.  Every child has the right to see and be with both parents.  I can tell you that my own father was extremely important to me and you are to your kids.  Don't sell yourself short simply because the stbx says so and don't give up time with your kids they will need you more than ever.

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

Don't feel overly bad that the dysfunctional marriage has failed.  If you review the Five Stages of Grieving a Loss then you'll see the last stage is Acceptance.  Accept that you tried but had no way to succeed... .well not if she wasn't improving in therapy.  Most of us here had to Accept that nothing we did was enough to make a marriage or relationship work if the other wasn't also working on it.

And yes, the children will do better once they have an opportunity to live at least a part of their lives in a relatively normal, stable and chaos-free home.  However, unless you adopted her other children, you'll only get parental rights for your own two children.  She may even claim she doesn't want the children split apart for you to have your own parenting time.  You of course don't cave to that controlling angle.  Your children need you.  It's sad that probably only your two get to come to you on a parenting schedule, but that's life when a parent with BPD (pwBPD) is in the mix.  Who knows, maybe all four kids may come over sometimes.

Is the father of the other two children getting time with his kids?  (Most pwBPD claim all their ended relationships were abusive so don't believe everything she claims about the prior ex.)