I'm finding myself having a hard time with people

[Depression = 72% of members]

Since my break up I have learned that people aren't very understanding of each other.  It's making me have a really hard time with any type of relationship (friends, family, dating).  

I am not perfect nor is anybody else.  I make mistakes.  I find I am not allowed to make mistakes or have feelings, therefor, people have left.  

Now I am finding myself pushing people away because no one is willing to understand my background.  Not even my own family.  

My whole life I've been so passionate about things, and so full of love.  My heart is permanantly broken and I find myself not being able to love as easily before.  

I think I will forever be alone.

[Shedd]

Since my break up I have learned that people aren't very understanding of each other.  It's making me have a really hard time with any type of relationship (friends, family, dating).  

I am not perfect nor is anybody else.  I make mistakes.  I find I am not allowed to make mistakes or have feelings, therefor, people have left.  

Now I am finding myself pushing people away because no one is willing to understand my background.  Not even my own family.  

My whole life I've been so passionate about things, and so full of love.  My heart is permanantly broken and I find myself not being able to love as easily before.  

I think I will forever be alone.

[Tosquinha]

I can relate to this.  It definitely has a way of making us see everything differently.  I wouldn't have considered myself an a$$hole at all prior to this but these days?  I feel like I have turned into my ex.  I have a wonderful, caring, loving person in my life and I just don't know what to do with it and I have found myself pushing her away. 

I think it's because I have work to do on myself still.  But there isn't ever the thought that I can fully do this at the innocence I had before my ex BPDer came into my life.

[Shedd]

I can relate to this.  It definitely has a way of making us see everything differently.  I wouldn't have considered myself an a$$hole at all prior to this but these days?  I feel like I have turned into my ex.  I have a wonderful, caring, loving person in my life and I just don't know what to do with it and I have found myself pushing her away. 

I think it's because I have work to do on myself still.  But there isn't ever the thought that I can fully do this at the innocence I had before my ex BPDer came into my life.

Sorry you're going through this.  It isn't easy.  It's nice to know you've found someone else.  Gives me a little hope. 

I think part of the problem is I don't believe in love anymore either.  She took that away from me.  I put her too high on a pedestal she never came down. 

I don't want to keep working on relationships if people can't understand my side.  It seems like the majority of people are all about themselves.

I'm becoming like that and I really don't want to be, but it seems inevitabe. 

Time to focus on me, and my needs.

[once removed]

I am not perfect nor is anybody else.  I make mistakes.  I find I am not allowed to make mistakes or have feelings, therefor, people have left. 

Now I am finding myself pushing people away because no one is willing to understand my background.  Not even my own family.  

can you tell us a bit more about the conflict, what is happening and with whom? what do you mean when you say no one is willing to understand your background? what mistakes?

[Shedd]

can you tell us a bit more about the conflict, what is happening and with whom? what do you mean when you say no one is willing to understand your background? what mistakes?

Well, it's been a very rocky road the past 3 years with my family especially. I easily snap at my mother more (she is most understanding however and gets it.) Though that has decreased a lot less because I am more over my ex.

I believe my step dad is NPD I feel trapped in my room a lot of the time because I don't even want to deal with him.

I live with my parents right now because my ex and I were going to move into a place together after her lease got out, but she broke up with me before that, and I've just been trying to pay off bills and save money.  I have now been able to pay off all my debt, and am currently looking for  townhouse to live in which will change my life dramatically, yay! So I hope that helps.  

Uhm, I've been so depressed in the past especially with sister and grandpa dying 5 months apart from each other, and my ex abandoned me permanently in that time.  It hasn't even been a full year since they've been gone.  

My brother and step sister have both emotionally abused me over the last year.  My brother basically said I was a piece of **** and needed to grow up, and my step sister called me an ungrateful brat. That lead to me blocking her phone number because she likes to create drama.  I believe she is bipolar. Neither of what they are saying about me is true.  This weekend I was hanging out with my step dad we were drinking watching football.  He's trying to help me, but if I don't agree with what he says he gets angry.  So I stated my own opinion and he told me that I only care about myself. (I also have a lot of health issues, that my family seems to forget I've had.)

Which is true that I'm only caring about myself... .in this moment, but has never been true in the past.  I have walked on eggshells constantly for my family, work, friends, and my ex and I am tired of it.  My ex really taught me to stand up for myself, and I find that by doing that people fight back.  I am not mean about it.  I am trying to be honest about my feelings and my boundaries.  

Friends... .Well, they've been the most supportive out of anyone besides my mother.  My mother is really supportive. I just find myself pushing them away because they'll end up leaving me one way or another. I've had a lot of abadnomnent over the years by friends.  When I was in the breaking up stage I lost a lot of friends, and now they're back in my life, but I do not trust them as well as I did before so I keep them at a distance.  I believe some of them are only using me for money, and I'm not rich by any means, but I am a very giving person and have given to them in the past.  

Dating.  I've never had luck with dating like at all until my ex.  That's why I put all my eggs in one basket and that's why I focused so hard on her.  I didn't want to lose her.  I wanted it to last forever.  

I've gone on a couple dates with women, but generally I see a red flag and run.

[Shedd]

Dating.  I've never had luck with dating like at all until my ex.  That's why I put all my eggs in one basket and that's why I focused so hard on her.  I didn't want to lose her.  I wanted it to last forever.  

I've gone on a couple dates with women, but generally I see a red flag and run.

Also side note.  I wouldn't say I'm ugly to say the least.  I have plenty of men hitting on me all the time.  It's just very frustrating because most women think I'm straight.  I am attracted to feminine girls (not butch), but it seems like the feminine girls are only attracted to butch girls.  

I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere.  

[Pretty Woman]

Shedd,
   I found myself feeling that way too... .initially. I was so consumed by this relationship and wanted so badly for my loved ones to tell me this wasn't me, that it was her.

Which they did. In retrospect I think to end my obsessing over it. People were sick of hearing about it (I don't blame them).

I had PTSD after this relationship for a good couple months. I felt alone because there was no longer conflict, there was calm. Conflict and chaos had become my norm so when things were quiet and "" normal, I felt unloved and ignored. When my ex finally cut and run the game changed. She DIDN'T come back and I was forced to sort through the chaos I lived for three years... .by myself. I was sad, angry, ashamed and resentful. I wasn't used to sitting in the silence with my thoughts. My relationship was "all consuming" and anytime I thought about anything else I'd get dumped. I learned to stuff my feelings away for years to keep this person in my grasp so now, now that she was no longer there, they were all surfacing to the top and it was overwhelming to say the least... .

AND I was going through grief at the same time, grieving my relationship while all these stuffed down feelings were rising to the top, bubling at the top like a pot about to overflow on the stovetop. I was ANGRY. Angry and probably not the nicest to those around me for awhile.

Shedd, this WILL eventually pass. You will find love again. All is NOT lost. Please don't be so hard on yourself. This is a process and healing does not happen overnight.

In my case I looked on the surface like everything was ok so others proceeded as such with me. I wasn't fully healed though. Others had no clue I was grieving because I didn't want to keep burdening people with stories about my ex over and over again.

Try not to be hard on others. They likely think you are doing better and have no idea you are still processing all this. You are doing the right thing by posting here and getting your feeling out to people who understand, who have been through this "unique" experience.

Shedd, I have been reading your posts for months. I don't always comment (which is part of my healing process, sometimes I just read and absorb, think on things in relation to my own situation) but you are very aware and insightful.

Don't give up on yourself. We aren't giving up on you, that's for sure! You have a lot to offer this world. Keep working though your feelings. Things ARE changing for the better with you. I can see it in how you are expressing to us through your writing.

 
PW

[Shedd]

Shedd, this WILL eventually pass. You will find love again. All is NOT lost. Please don't be so hard on yourself. This is a process and healing does not happen overnight.

Try not to be hard on others. They likely think you are doing better and have no idea you are still processing all this. You are doing the right thing by posting here and getting your feeling out to people who understand, who have been through this "unique" experience.

Shedd, I have been reading your posts for months. I don't always comment (which is part of my healing process, sometimes I just read and absorb, think on things in relation to my own situation) but you are very aware and insightful.

Don't give up on yourself. We aren't giving up on you, that's for sure! You have a lot to offer this world. Keep working though your feelings. Things ARE changing for the better with you. I can see it in how you are expressing to us through your writing.

 
PW

This made me cry (in a good way) Thank you.  Your words mean a lot to me.

I don't know why I'm so hard on myself.  I think it's just because people are hard on me so in turn I'm hard on me, and them?  I always want to do the right thing, and I feel like I do, but then I'm always wrong, or second best.  I do not know how to not be hard on myself.  Everyone tells me this.  

Like you I've also stopped telling people about my ex because I know they're tired of hearing about it.  I just now keep to myself about most things too.  Maybe why I push people away I don't think they have the capacity to understand.

Thanks again!  

[Pretty Woman]

You seriously start to heal once you stop talking about it ad nauseaum. It's like a broken record after awhile, at least to outsiders. It only ostracized us more because who wants to be around a ":)ebbie Downer"?

We all are entitled to grieve but when it takes years and years to do it... .and the person hasn't died, we need to look inward. Why can't we let it go? They have moved on and are living their lives, in most cases with someone new.

Why are we punishing ourselves? It's time to put forth the love with gave them... .unto ourselves.

[Shedd]

Why are we punishing ourselves? It's time to put forth the love with gave them... .unto ourselves.

I used to know how to do that before her, but now I don't know how to love myself anymore.

[Pretty Woman]

You do. It's like riding a bicycle. You may wobble at first, might even fall off it, but once you are up and going there's no stopping you!

[Tosquinha]

Also side note.  I wouldn't say I'm ugly to say the least.  I have plenty of men hitting on me all the time.  It's just very frustrating because most women think I'm straight.  I am attracted to feminine girls (not butch), but it seems like the feminine girls are only attracted to butch girls.  

I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere.  

Not totally true.  I'm personally attracted to women who are somewhere in between.  I consider myself a soft butch, and I like soft butch women.  I'm not generally attracted to fems.  However, it does depend on the person.

[once removed]

the end of my relationship represented a turning point. it took me a little while to see it.

what i was doing (the way i was conducting myself and living my life, interacting with others in general) had served me up until it stopped serving me.

i still struggled even after i was over the emotional pain. i struggled in my interpersonal relationships. i struggled in romantic relationships.

it was glaring at me. something had to change. what i was doing was no longer sustainable.

Shedd, i really encourage you to start digging into the tools we have on this site. let me explain why, and how they can help you shift into that turning point.

you have a great deal on your plate emotionally. youre recovering from a relationship that was really tough on you. to top it off, you have lost two loved ones in a short amount of time. adversity is pounding on your door and it wont leave you alone. the tools here can give you the space to cope and to thrive.

I easily snap at my mother more (she is most understanding however and gets it.)

it is helpful that she is patient and that she gets it. i was a pretty big pill to my own mother, who was also patient and understood. is it healthy coping? is it helping you? is it something you want to carry to future romantic relationships, or that lends itself to finding supportive new friends?

we all get triggered and we all snap sometimes, especially when our emotional plate is heavy.

practicing mindfulness and wisemind (https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind) can go a long way here in identifying what triggers us, why, and how. that gives us space to make adjustments. it helps us to see what part is ours, what part is someone elses, and then we can respond, cope, reach resolution, from a centered place.

but how do we put that into action? mindfulness is only the start. it doesnt necessarily, by itself, inform as us to next steps, though it helps. thats where learning more about the karpman drama triangle (https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle) comes in. once mindful, we can learn steps to escape drama, and not to fuel it ourselves. we can actively move to the center.

standing up for ourselves is good. yours is an important realization many members have reached, having played a passive role in their romantic relationship, and interpersonal relationships. sometimes though, we can swing from one end (passive) to the other (aggressive). i remember after my relationship, i would be in conflict with others and tell them that they were "crossing my boundaries". what i learned is that you can tell someone that until youre blue in the face. boundaries are really about us, and how we live our values, they arent a means of changing someone elses behavior, they are a lifestyle.

as this article explains, the phrase "setting boundaries" can be very misleading: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

the world is full of difficult people. they are in our churches, our work place, they are our friends, our family, acquaintances, etc. simply put, staying in our rooms so to speak, isnt really an option.

one thing that has hugely helped me deal with difficult people, as well as just simply interact with my loved ones, is to learn the communication tools that we teach here. they have helped me to be more assertive. they have helped me be more supportive. they have made my life lighter and drama free. it was awkward at first, to learn them and to put them into practice, but like any skill, with practice, they became natural, and i use them all the time.

there are so many of them. everything from ending conflict (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict), listening with empathy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy), learning not to be invalidating (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) to learning the techniques like BIFF, SET, DEARMAN, and avoiding JADEing (learning not to JADE was where i started, and what i found easiest. the only real effort required is resisting the urge. it sounds like this would be really helpful when it comes to interacting with your family).

All of us need to know how to ask for what we want
 
There is a formula for speaking with someone that has a better chance of success if used properly. Our attitude, tone of voice and body language has a huge impact on how our message is interpreted.

most of these communication techniques are covered here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190


yes, im throwing a kitchen sink of links at you, i know. i dont expect you to read them all, let alone master them all, though they are all applicable to the issues youve described. if it helps, pick one that appeals. read it, reread it, start practicing it, ask us questions about it that we can help you clarify. you will see growth and change, i can promise you.