Is this abuse?

[MrRegretful123]

My wife became drunk at a show that I was performing. During the show, I observed her conduct that was very troubling to me. I did not want to confront her because she was drunk and I know she gets very angry if I confront her. I wanted to wait until we were home and not drunk. However, I think she knew that I was upset and confronted me on the way home. She began yelling at me really loud so I yelled back at her... .she punched me in the face while driving. I stopped the care and opened her door from the outside and told her if she hits me again, you will get out of the car. We began to drive again and she began to shout again... .I shouted back... .she punched me again so I pushed her away with my right hand and told her to not hit me again... .this is twice... .well after 5 minutes she began to argue and shout again so I shouted back at her... .she punched me again with more force... I stopped the car, opened her door and told her to get out... .she would not get out so I grabbed her by the jacket (right arm) to pull her out... .she would not leave the car. I got back into the car and we drove home. The next day, she had bruises on her arm... .I feel bad because I know I should have handled it different... .was this abuse?

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[morningagain]

yes, your wife was being abusive - from establishing the pattern that you do not confront her under the circumstances described, to her punching you, etc.  my wife would at times choose such circumstances where i was 'stuck' and could not separate myself from her, to really go off, which is the circumstances you found yourself in.
my perspective is that is her defense mechanism to try to ward off the emotional pain she realizes at some level she is inflicting, by being angry to put up a wall, by inciting you into yelling, and other gas-lighting, to 'justify' her response even to include using physical violence on you.  at least that was my experiences.  my wife would walk out of the car in the middle of a large city in an unfamiliar area, once i carried her back to the car, but could not 'force' her into the car.  she used that tactic a number times again, and all i could do was follow to do my best to keep her safe.  it is frustrating, painful, impossible at the time to deal in any successful way with the situation.  i viewed it as my wife was utterly controlling me into helplessness with no good options for me, and there was no good way to predict when i would be put into these impossible situations.
yelling back never helped.  never ever ever.  she would escalate past any kind of escalation i might try such as yelling back, or driving aggressively, or even getting so exacerbated to strike myself - anything to distract from the futility and searing emotional pain and frustration.  all i can suggest is there is no choice other than to remain calm, and get separation from her as soon as it is safe.  this was the only way i could even survive with a shred of sanity left for myself.  she would still be angry and blame, etc.  but when she is going through something that irrational and volatile, you cannot save her from herself - try reviewing extinction bursts.
i am sure others might be able to give you better advice - the baseline is to stay safe.  when my wife was so irrational and volatile, there was absolutely nothing i could do at times it seemed - whatever it was i did or did not do, she might escalate.  in retrospect, if i would have been more emotionally mature, with more self-esteem, more self-control, less guilt and blame and confusion, i could have handled it much better and minimized the number of times i contributed to such scenes.  one thing to learn is you cannot control her, and you cannot fix her.  some successfully have relationships with BPD's - i know you can find help here in that regard - to be successful, i see no other way than to know yourself and grow yourself into a confident person standing straight and not twisting yourself up to fit her.
hope this helps.

[MrRegretful123]

Thank you for the feedback.

Yes, it seemed I was boxed in the car and I had no resort but to scream back at her. I even mentioned divorce in the argument. I feel extremely bad that she has a bruise on her arm from me trying to get her out of the car... .Was I going to leave her on the side of the road. Yes, that is what I felt like doing at that time. However, I would have come back for her. Also, I regret mentioning divorce.

When we got home that evening, she was still irrational and violent so I called the police. I told them exactly what happened. They were going to arrest her but I chose not to. I ultimately had to leave the house and sleep in a parking lot in my car.

I wish we could go back to the morning of November 11 where we were both doing good and getting along. The evening of November 11 will haunt me forever. I am feeling pain that I have truly never felt before. It hurts. It hurts terribly bad.

Today, nothing has changed. It is all my fault. Whenever I attempt to talk with her I get really mean responses from her and she wants me to move forward with a divorce since I mentioned it. I told her I did not mean it and that I said it out of anger. She cannot believe I called the police. Well, I guess it is over... .just have to try and get over this extreme pain I am feeling.

[morningagain]

bottom line is she was violent.
i was arrested twice - the first time when i called 911 when she was in a car accident.  i don't know what she told the police, but i was arrested for domestic battery.  the judge threw that out when we brought in pictures of the car wreck, and she passionately defended me.
the second time, we had been in an argument, and i left the house.  when i got back, the police were there and arrested me for the same thing again.  that was also thrown out by the judge.
all i can tell you is i have never once laid my hands on a woman, including my wife.  though she kicked, hit, bit, even pointed a knife at my chest.  i thank God there were never any guns in the house.  When she started talking about getting a gun, that finally tipped the scales where i knew there were circumstances under which i would leave.
know this - those charges, even though the judge threw them out, are still on my record for any inexpensive background check.  it makes it difficult to find work.  it is humiliating knowing how people perceive me that read a background report on me.

my advice - as she has already crossed the threshold to physical violence, ask yourself if she might be capable of escalating further, even to pressing charges or worse violence, and if she ends up with a bruise the next time, how will a court/judge perceive you even if you are innocent?

my experience is not necessarily yours, but the physical violence element is a line that should not be crossed, and I am unaware of many such abusers reversing the pattern of increasingly violent assaults.  and the psychological violence, in my case, hurt more.  when she bit down as hard as she could on my arm, and on my neck the next time, i relaxed - physical pain was a relief.

stay safe.  reflect on what you know is right - what does your moral compass tell you when she is not telling you how wrong you are?  i am certain you need peace of mind - ask yourself how you might find peace of mind?

take care, take care, take care.

[MrRegretful123]

Thank you for sharing your experiences and time to respond to me.

[AskingWhy]

Yes, Mr. Regretful, this is abuse. And even a pwBPD has no excuses for this.

Please reread this by morningagain, "as she has already crossed the threshold to physical violence, ask yourself if she might be capable of escalating further, even to pressing charges or worse violence, and if she ends up with a bruise the next time, how will a court/judge perceive you even if you are innocent?"

pwBPD have a way of creating massive drama and outsiders have a hard time seeing who's right and who's wrong.  Law enforcement almost always side with the woman as abusers tend to be men.  Screaming at her only played into the drama, which is what she craves.

Again, take care.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Mr.Regretful123,

I'm sorry that you are experiencing violence in your marriage. It sounds like emotions were running high for both of you. Your wife was being abusive when she hit you. And when you became physical with her this was abusive also. I can see that you were provoked, but just as your W is responsible for her behavior, us nons are responsible for ours.

My H and I have been in situations where his emotions were high, so I increased my  emotions and behavior, which caused him to escalate more, and it just becomes a cycle where things get closer and closer to becoming physically violent because every time one person ups their emotionalism, the other has to go higher to win.

Abuse is about more than just being physical though. Abuse is controlling another person through emotional, verbal, or physical threats, intimidation, coercion, etc.

It sounds like in the car you were attempting to set boundaries with your W. You wanted her to stop hitting you so your response was to physically remove her from the car. Often when someone starts to set boundaries, it becomes about getting the other person to do what you want them to do and to change their behavior, but Boundaries are really about you changing your behavior to match your values.

A better way of using boundaries would be to approach the situation a little differently. Such as: Can you chose not to drive while you are fighting at all? Can you choose to physically remove yourself from her and from the vehicle? Can you call the police on her if she assaults you?

Safety is always first and foremost important when in a physically dangerous situation. We have a Safety First fact sheet that can help you set up a plan for what to do in a situation where you are in physical danger.