At what point did you say, "enough is enough?"

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Maya Angelou on Twitter: ""When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

Maybe one day this will sink in for me, .I am too trusting?... .believe in making up, believe things will change, .think that things will one day get better, well they do fo just a short while and then it’s right back to the same old same old... .yesterday we cycled down again, eleven days since the last bout, which lasted “eleven” days... .“believe them when they tell you who they are”... .I called this “default behavior” in another thread, like when a light bulb fails, it’s default is to go out and never give light again, .when was the first time?, .and why am I here now, v/r Red5

[Red5]

Maya Angelou on Twitter: ""When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

Maybe one day this will sink in for me, .I am too trusting?... .believe in making up, believe things will change, .think that things will one day get better, well they do fo just a short while and then it’s right back to the same old same old... .yesterday we cycled down again, eleven days since the last bout, which lasted “eleven” days... .“believe them when they tell you who they are”... .I called this “default behavior” in another thread, like when a light bulb fails, it’s default is to go out and never give light again, .when was the first time?, .and why am I here now, v/r Red5

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Red5, No, I don't think you are too trusting; rather, you are dealing with a terrible disorder that is extremely challenging to live with, due to the cyclic nature of BPD.  The tranquil periods don't last long, I'm afraid, and the other shoe always drops, which is why I used to walk on eggshells.

LuckyJim

[SamwizeGamgee]

I was going through some papers earlier this year and found a letter never sent that was breaking off my engagement to my now wife of 20 years.  In my own words, without the education in mental illness I have now, I was saying that I wish things could work out, but there were things that  just didn’t seem to be right.
Dated February 16, 1997. 
The road not taken... .has made all the difference. 

[ElinorD]

Samwize, that must have been stunning to see. I think about the road not taken, too. What if I had taken care of my own needs instead of feeling like my calling in life was to take care of his? What if I had considered the damage I'd inflict on my children by giving him this father, rather than believing I could mother his children to emotional health?

I wonder when I'll hit my limit. I suspect I will at some point. If he becomes estranged from one of our kids, which his family members have done. If he becomes an actual white supremacist in his increasingly easily offended-ness/tribalism. Maybe if he won't quit berating me now that I can see that behavior clearly. If these cycles keep going even once I've learned these skills and the kids have grown up.

I can't imagine being happy with being so careful for the rest of my life, as I reach a more freeing time of my life. He would have to change, and that seems unlikely. I used to expect that he would, so I had hope.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sam, Agree w/ElinorD: that must have been stunning to see.  You stopped me in my tracks because, some 20 years ago I called off a marriage to my BPDxW.  We ended up getting married a year later, but, like you, I sensed that something wasn't right.  I had never heard of BPD and had no ability to put into words what was bothering me.  I thought I had a fear of commitment and needed to jump off the diving board into the marriage pool, after which it would go better.  It did go better, for a while, but it didn't last very long.  I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

LuckyJim

[SamwizeGamgee]

LJ - I have a funny personality trait too, that if something seems scary I do think it over, but I'm strongly decided to "not not" do something out of fear.  So, I think I squelched my inner voice - thinking it was just a case of the nerves.  
And once I jumped, I recognized it was felt wrong, not what I wanted.  But, she was such a "good girl," and once you're married, you might as well work on it.  Then one kid.  Then another.  Then the post-partum depression blew a chasm through what was left of my idea of marriage hopes and dreams. And I stayed, and had more kids.  I certainly proved I wasn't afraid!  

So so sorry to 5Min and the community to contributing to so much of the tangent. I took up all your space.  Sorry!

[love4meNOTu]

I am asking what was your threshold. I am part of the problem in that I am a procrastinator and avoider. That comes from my childhood and am working on it. It is not every time there is an episode, but when it escalates, the abuse consists of hitting me in the head with whatever is in her hand, kicking, slapping, hair pulling, clawing, etc. Sometimes she goes off slapping herself. I can not physically leave when that happens or she goes totally berserk. It does not matter what I say, she twist it into what she wants. Every problem in her life (job, kids, etc) is my fault. Every movie, book, etc is twisted into how the characters are so much better a man/husband/father than I. There is the blowing up my phone all day and the continual coloring me as the demon. I see no hope.

Hi 5min -

You asked at what point did I say enough was enough.

I was married just a few weeks when I started to understand that I wasn't dealing with just jealousy or insecurity on the part of my xhwBPD "traits". Something happened that made me question the entire relationship, won't go into it in depth, but it broke my boundaries of how a husband and a wife treat each other.

I promised myself I would wait one year, and try to work through the issues we were having, but at the end (and a marathon 7 hour extinction burst)I grew fearful of him, and when he was verbally attacking me in front of my teenagers (in private he was much worse, but sometimes he liked an audience) I made the decision to divorce. I did go to a therapist initially myself, then we went to 1 marriage counseling session together but it was already over. I was just confirming what I already knew, do you understand?

It was painful. Admitting defeat and what a poor judge of character I was... beating myself up. It's been almost 4 years since that all transpired but sometimes it feels like yesterday because I struggle with decisions in my personal life, it's like I don't trust myself anymore.

I have this weird naiveté about people, going in too trusting, being so glad to be liked that I don't question their motives. (PATHETIC) I think (I know you didn't ask this) that whatever perfect person I expected myself to be I am clearly NOT and that creates this negative well of pain inside of me that just begs to be eased. And for a time, he eased that pain but in the end he was the cause of it.

One thing that helped me a bit was visualizing my life after x was gone. What would that be like?

So I ask you, what would your life be like after your partner is gone? Does that help you reach a decision about your relationship? Maybe not all the peripherals, finances, kids etc, but would YOU be happier?

L



 

[Dragon72]

I think I'm just about there.

Every 2 weeks I give my SAHM wife half of my hard-earned net salary. I take the other half, but I take care of all the big expenses car, rent, school fees, big supermarket trips, healthcare insurance, utility bills.  She uses her half for... .well, she's never been straight with me about how much she has left over and what she has used it for. But I give her the money every 2 weeks anyway. In cash. Which is how she asks for it.

The day before yesterday she said she couldn't find the most recent stack of bills I gave her and that she wants me to return the money I stole from her.   That's right, she is insisting I stole that money from her.

Now, I understand the BPD brain enough to figure out that she is trying to divert attention away from her flaws and shame (in this case the negligence of losing the money, or perhaps even squirrelling the money away for herself) and so her accusation of me stealing the money is her way of dealing with that shame.

Well I'm sick of getting caught up in her aggressive defenses.  Ya me cansé.  Every floor in our house is carpeted with eggshells and it's not me who keeps putting the eggshells there. Time to move to a different house.

[Tattered Heart]

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