On again off again relationship is currently off

[Lady Itone]

I've been loving a gorgeous, funny, sweet woman, for 2 years. I suspect she's BPD, but I'm strictly an armchair psychiatrist. Former doctors have diagnosed her with ADHD and bipolar, but her current therapist has only seen her a couple times, and isn't sure what she thinks yet.

She is fairly low-functioning. She lives off welfare, she was sleeping on her crappy boat when I met her. Now she stays with me, or with a friend whose child she babysits. She has been hospitalized twice since I've known her. She's working towards her Associates degree at the community college, but may have to drop out because she lost her financial aid. She's a talented artist, but hasn't figured out to translate that into $$$. Substance abuse, few friends, strained relationships with her FOO, etc.

She will give you the shirt off her back if you need it. But she also loves to make life hard--Like when she decided she was going to stay in the eye of a Cat 4 hurricane, though the rest of us were leaving. I don't appreciate living in constant crises mode because of her bad decisions, and I resent having to do most of the heavy lifting in the relationship because of her problems.  

I'm also deeply flawed. I've struggled with depression, I abuse substances for fun and mood regulation, and according to an online questionaire on the topic, I'm a love addict. However, I've got a stable job, I'm able to pay my bills plus a few luxuries, I have a support system of good friends, and I'm active in the community.  I'm also 14 years older than her, had a more nurturing family life and better education. I have to believe we're both doing our best.    

The sex has me hooked, we have unbelievable physical chemistry, and sweetness. We really do care about each other and want each other happy. But this week we broke up. Again. She provoked me until I went into a rage. Yep, I'm the one who has the BPD rages in this relationship. She pushes my boundaries until I snap. She's a lot bigger than me, but I will act like a crazywoman. There's been physical altercations, not super-violent, she isn't low-empathy, and neither am I, so we're really not trying to hurt each other. But that scary lady is not who I am.

In the past when I've thrown her out, she's threatened self-harm. She's trashed my house. This time she stole my damn keys (she finally gave them back this morning.) I said some awful things to her, I felt so violated that she'd steal from me. We haven't spoken for days.

We're addicted to each other, but I'm not willing to be in this relationship with both feet. I'm ga ga about her, but I can't seem to find a way to be comfortable with her limitations. So we cycle... .make up, break up.  It's tiring.
 
  
 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AskingWhy]

I am sorry for this happening and I understand your wanting answers, Lady Itone.

You have a very clear and honest knowledge of yourself, and you are to be commended for this level of introspection.  You are also very honest in your knowledge of your partner and her history.  You also suspect you have BPD characteristics.  Have you been to a counselor for help?  Sometimes pwBPD cause "crazy-making" and the nonBPD partner will often seem BPD in response.  It's part of the dance of codependence that sometimes comes with being in a relationship with a pwBPD.  We feel BPD ourselves.

Constant crises are a part of the relationship with a pwBPD, and other personality disorders. It's one crisis after another.  You state she lost her financial aid but don't elaborate.  Many people with PDs are self-sabotaging.  You are high-functioning in spite of your issues, but she is low-functioning. 

You say she threatened self-harm.  That sounds very BPD to me. 

On the up-side, she is in counseling and has some diagnoses to work with.  Both of you know you need help on some level. 

The interactions with your partner (don't use her real name) are key.  You know you say awful things in the heat of the moment.

You add the sex is what keeps you hooked.  People with PDs often use sex as a "reset" button that helps both parties return to a stable place.  The real trick is not to let disagreements escalate to where your partner is dysregulating.

You might want to research this site for tips on how to communicate with your partner when she is dysregulating if she is indeed BPD.  There might be other strategies on how to communicate with someone who is bipolar.

I wish you the best.  Browse the site for articles on relationships and see if you find anything that helps.

 

[Lady Itone]

 You also suspect you have BPD characteristics.  Have you been to a counselor for help?  Sometimes pwBPD cause "crazy-making" and the nonBPD partner will often seem BPD in response.  It's part of the dance of codependence that sometimes comes with being in a relationship with a pwBPD.  We feel BPD ourselves.

You state she lost her financial aid but don't elaborate.    

The interactions with your partner (don't use her real name) are key.  

Thank you for responding, definitely helpful to know someone is out there who gets it.

I don't think I'm actually BPD, but I definitely experience emotional intensity, have fear of abandonment, and as you said, I seem to reflect her whenever I'm too fed up to deflect her. I've seen it called "catching fleas" elsewhere, but that sounds awful she is a beautiful human, she is not a mangy dog in any way.

I'm not clear on how she lost her aid, I think because she's taking too long to finish school, then her letter of appeal wasn't well done. I really try to let her sink and swim on her own. She's 31 years old and has survived things I can't even imagine. I also have low tolerance for stress, so I step back, hard, whenever she tries to make me do things for her that she should be doing herself. Otherwise, I worry she'll suck me dry.

She says I don't appreciate the things she does do for me, and I definitely need to work on that. The small amount of money she gives me monthly for staying at my house, the little chores she does here and there, the sweet little gifts she brings home... .they're nice gestures, but they don't add up to a real 50-50 partnership, and I really want that.

Right now I have blocked her from phone and messenger, she can still email me if she wants to talk (she hasn't yet.) I have some serious soul-searching to do to decide if I can move forward. I look forward to reading more here, this seems like the best of the forums and webpages on the topic I've seen so far. Thank you.    

[Lady Itone]

I want to add that about 5 years ago I had a devastating albeit brief relationship with a woman with narcissistic traits. I learned all about npd from that painful experience. I'm wondering what it means for me that the last 2 women I've been serious about were both disordered.