Moral Injury

[morningagain]

"Moral injury is the damage done to one’s conscience or moral compass when that person perpetrates, witnesses, or fails to prevent acts that transgress their own moral and ethical values or codes of conduct." -- from The Moral Injury Project, Syracuse

For me, this is insightful and useful.  It simultaneously acknowledges to me, yes, I may have been 'victimized', but also acknowledges that I hurt others through my own actions and inaction.  From being diagnosed by one doc with PTSD, to another with BiPolar, to another with major depression, etc., etc., the focus was always on "you poor soul, you are a victim of your spouse, or of circumstance, or... ."

By acknowledging I also am a transgressor - it restores my self power.  Being stuck in victim mode, well, victims are helpless - at least that is how I felt.  Sure, I carried guilt, but could not get to the bottom floor to truly acknowledge that regardless of anything else, I made wrong choices, I hurt others, I violated my own moral code - over and over, but also there is a fundamental part of me that is good.  I am no longer powerless, AND I recognize I DO have a valuable moral code which was injured - a good part of me was injured.  And I accept fully I have a good part, it was injured, I injured it, and I know what it is, I am in control, and I can heal it.

I forgave my ex 3 years ago.  I could never forgive myself for hurting my children, especially.  Perhaps because now that I freely accept I do have a good part, is the 'reason' I now have finally given myself permission to forgive myself?

Difficult to put fully into words, but I am curious how others might respond to the "Moral Injury" perspective?

[Sunfl0wer]

By acknowledging I also am a transgressor - it restores my self power.  Being stuck in victim mode, well, victims are helpless - at least that is how I felt.

I appreciate this thread.

I am of the belief that we are all participants of our circumstances.
I try not to think in terms of perpetrator or victim.
I rather analyze what my role is, what their role is, and how my behavior is enabling this relationship to continue.

I find it disempowering to be told that I am a victim of domestic violence even as my husband would have beat me to my death. Being told that enables me to continue feeling powerless. I find it much more meaningful to be told I am participating in an abusive relationship.  Every time I return, fact is... .my behavior communicates the messages on how I am allowing folks to treat me.  My behavior communicates my values... .my boundaries. So am I ok with this? Am I at peace with me and my decisions?

I find it utmost importance... .to accept responsibility for my roles in relationships that were not what I want.  Important for me to have awareness on what my contributing elements are, how I can manage myself differently in the future if I ever encounter such conflicts of values.  And how I can maintain resolve and continue to self reflect when I feel my values challenged.

My issue, imo... .is not that “i was married to an abuser.”
Imo, better to resolve my issue of... .“I lack sucficient self worth to feel ok without this external validation of having this husband and being his wife and trusting myself to be capable of surviving and thriving all by myself.”

[MeandThee29]

I agree. I definitely have responsibility in what happened. Initially my therapist focused on the emergencies of getting through the first few months of separation, but then she started working on me.

I've had to consider what my part of it was and what I need to change. Not by dwelling on the past, but so that I can have a new, better chapters head. It's been hard. She's so positive and encouraging, but she's not letting me off the hook either. At times I sit in the car afterwards just overwhelmed. Of course I know I need it. I'm much more positive and feel more free after just a few months with her. She travels and speaks a lot, so I average 2-3 sessions a month with a lot of homework. Maybe it's a good thing so I can recover and work through things in between!

It all seems odd after 25 years of marriage. I'm dealing with it and becoming something better. My husband remains a bitter, isolated man who is convinced that the separation was 95% his wife's fault.

So I take a deep breath and push on. It's hard, very hard.

[Skip]

You've come a long way.

 

[morningagain]

You've come a long way.

Hey skip    speaking just for me, I have come a long way.

I am finding it difficult to put into words what "Moral injury" means to me.  There are so many steps forward, and steps back, and moments of epiphanies, and disappointments that dragged me back down, and then another step forward... .

I "Crashed into these boards" around five years ago.  Searing pain, I was a total mess.  Just confused and despondent.  I found here there was someone who understood.  And I clung tightly to the empathy here, and wished and hoped that with each step I took - "Yes!  I can make sense and go forward!"  then I would run into another obstacle - the further I progressed, the more obstacles I encountered came from me.

So I came to understand BPD more.  I spent countless hours striving to understand BPD.  Very wrapped up still in how I could fix her.  Eventually, slowly, painfully, I started to see myself again - my entire being was so wrapped up in her.

And I saw how damaged she was, but started to see how damaged I was, too.

Ultimately, I chose to go my own path, without her.  I accepted I could not fix her, and that I just could not withstand what is needed to be a good mate for her.  Others can be good partners to their BPD partners, I chose that I could not with mine.

Fast forward to this week.  I had spent a couple years away from these boards.  I had realized she was not all at fault, I played my role, I realized I was not all at fault, I had forgiven her - but I could never forgive myself - especially for the hurt I inflicted on my four children from my first wife.

"Moral injury" -- moral injury is the damage done to one’s conscience or moral compass when that person perpetrates, witnesses, or fails to prevent acts that transgress their own moral and ethical values or codes of conduct.

Moral injury encompassed that I had witnessed, been injured by others, and injured myself.  Hence that whole path that it was not all her - I played a part.

But I was still stuck!

I could not forgive myself.  I hurt my own children, for the love of mike!

Moral injury - that one definition, made me realize - my moral compass was injured.  My moral compass was good and worthy of healing.  My moral compass was and is me - my heart, my insides, my essence - that is more me than my hands or my voice.  It is good - and worthy of forgiveness.  My moral injury is a good thing to heal!

I am worthy of forgiveness.  Because my moral compass is good - even though I wounded it too.  I finally, finally, gave myself permission to forgive myself.