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Author Topic: Looking for parents dealing with BPD & several serious degenerative med issues  (Read 440 times)
KCat

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
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« on: November 15, 2017, 04:46:25 PM »

I have a 39 year old daughter who has been diagnosed since her teens as "textbook borderline".  To be honest she has been a mother's worst nightmare since day 1 when she when she was in the NICU because of not breathing. As a child she had severe asthma and other respiratory issues which were life threatening. At age 12 she became anorexic and was not expected to live.  I was a single parent with no family - I was on my own.  She also has a very rare genetic autoimmune disorder which is
so rare it took 10 years and thousands of dollars to get a diagnosis. Only one kidney functions despite two surgeries and at this time she may have to undergo surgery to remove the bad one.  She has been hospitalized, for both medical and psych reasons more times than I can remember.  I've spent so much time, money and energy dealing with her illnesses that I've reached burnout.  I feel like I can't cope with anymore of her explosive, abusive borderline behavior. She hates me and blames me for everything.  I'm utterly exausted and wondering if anyone can relate.  I feel so alone with this and am being treated for depression and anxiety.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
incadove
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Posts: 291



« Reply #1 on: November 17, 2017, 01:18:56 AM »

Hi KCat

You are not alone!  Welcome to the board, and very glad you are here.  That sounds so terrifying and exhausting, its amazing you've been able to cope and provide so much support for so long.

My story is not nearly so difficult and scary as yours, but I can relate to the feeling of being emotionally exhausted and burned out, and dealing with sometimes explosive behavior, and receiving blame when trying to do your best.  Those things are really hard and painful in any case, but when combined with dangerous medical conditions I can only imagine what you are going through.

I'm glad to hear you have some treatment, is your therapist helpful?  :)o you have supportive friends or any family to rely on, or ways to do self care to get the strength to continue doing what you need to to support your daughter?

Has your daughter had therapy or learned skills to deal with her emotional dysregulation?  Some time ago the therapies were not as advanced, some professionals gave up on those labelled 'borderline'.  Although it won't be a panacea, learning more skills to deal with her behavior may help calm things down over time, what do you think of the validation and boundary links on the right?  :)oes anything resonate or seem like it might be helpful?

Thank you for posting, please come back and let us know how it goes, one day at a time.  

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KCat

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 14


« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2017, 07:36:17 AM »

Hi KCat

You are not alone!  Welcome to the board, and very glad you are here.  That sounds so terrifying and exhausting, its amazing you've been able to cope and provide so much support for so long.

My story is not nearly so difficult and scary as yours, but I can relate to the feeling of being emotionally exhausted and burned out, and dealing with sometimes explosive behavior, and receiving blame when trying to do your best.  Those things are really hard and painful in any case, but when combined with dangerous medical conditions I can only imagine what you are going through.

I'm glad to hear you have some treatment, is your therapist helpful?  :)o you have supportive friends or any family to rely on, or ways to do self care to get the strength to continue doing what you need to to support your daughter?

Has your daughter had therapy or learned skills to deal with her emotional dysregulation?  Some time ago the therapies were not as advanced, some professionals gave up on those labelled 'borderline'.  Although it won't be a panacea, learning more skills to deal with her behavior may help calm things down over time, what do you think of the validation and boundary links on the right?  :)oes anything resonate or seem like it might be helpful?

Thank you for posting, please come back and let us know how it goes, one day at a time.  

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KCat

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« Reply #3 on: November 22, 2017, 11:24:31 AM »

Hi incadove

I really appreciated hearing from you. thank you for your support, understanding and encouragement.  It's difficult to think clearly when circumstances are so chaotic.  Thankfully my daughter no longer lives with me, but the drama continues.
I've decided this year that I had to pull back and limit my contact which has been taking a toll on me while accomplishing zero for her improvement or understanding. She refuses any treatment because she is convinced her difficulties are everyone else's fault.  I think that the wake up call for me occurred when she began using the internet to post cruel lies about me.

I'm not spending Thanksgiving with her which is both a relief  and a very painful reminder of the impossibility of having a relationship with my only child. Holidays are especially difficult.

Thank you for "listening" Hope to hear from you again.

KCat
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wendydarling
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« Reply #4 on: November 26, 2017, 08:11:26 AM »

Hello KCat

I'd like to join incadove welcoming you to the family and hope you find some comfort here, you are not alone.     You have and are doing your best in very difficult and painful circumstances, I can't imagine how you've held up supporting your daughter through such serious medical conditions and chaos BPD can bring. She's lucky to have you her parent.

Holidays are painful times for many here, is this the first year you've not spent Thanksgiving with her, what did you do?

WDx
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
incadove
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« Reply #5 on: November 28, 2017, 05:25:11 PM »

Hi KCat

Excerpt
I'm not spending Thanksgiving with her which is both a relief  and a very painful reminder of the impossibility of having a relationship with my only child. Holidays are especially difficult.

Yes, and birthdays - those raised expectations accentuate hurt.  I found during painful times that it was best to spend the holiday focused on something external, for me volunteering with other youngsters was very healing. I spent my last birthday volunteering at a preschool for refugee children and had a wonderful time, it really helped my perspective.  But again, my small hurt was really not comparable to what you have gone thru.

Still, it may help you and your daughter to find healing and some level of detachment.  "Impossible" is a strong word.  "Not possible at this time" may be better.  And for now, if you focus on your life and on other things than her, if she is less central to you then the pain will be less and it may be easier to feel positive towards her and do the radical acceptance thing - this might take some time.  For me, the books, videos, learning and the metta bhuddist meditation were really helpful to my mental state.  One of the books I used that isn't mentioned here, is Cathy Glass' "Happy Adults", which she wrote after fostering many children in the UK.  What kinds of things help you the most?

Thanks for posting and if you feel moved to answer others, please do - none of us are experts, we are all just helping each other.  For me answering other parents is also healing!  It makes me feel more purposeful and less alone.  

Hoping for the best for you and daughter  
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KCat

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Posts: 14


« Reply #6 on: December 02, 2017, 07:27:50 AM »

Thank you to all those who have replied to my first post Nov 17 as well as the posts of others.  Hearing from people going through BPD turmoil has been a blessing. You have validated that I am not "uncaring" or " overreacting"  and that I'm not a failure as a parent and that  there are others who care and understand what I've been going through as a single parent for so many years.
I would really like to hear from someone who has a family member with both BPD and and severe medical issues.  I feel like I'm only recently facing the toll BPD has taken on me.  I was in the denial and trying to fix it stage because of the demands of her life threatening medical illnesses were more than I could handle.  It took me getting to the point of breakdown and the support of my pastor to recognize that I had to take care of my need, not just her's. 
It feels like I'm walking a tight rope with her upcoming kidney surgery and no other family.  She was recently divorced from her abusive female partner(who has a felony record) and  I don't know much about her life in the gay community.  She seems unable to maintain any close relationship though she is considered high functioning and has tested as having a genius IQ - which makes her a genius at manipulation. I'm 74 years old and not up to driving a long distance to a congested major  city and risky neighborhoods in a car that is 18 years old . She hasn't told me any details and she is also a long way from this Major medical center. Because it is so close the the holidays, my friends are not available. Once she gets out of the hospital she will have to return for follow up visits.  Her home is two hours from where I live and going to see her will be a time bomb.  She will be nice and well behaved with the doctors and nurses then take it out on me. I'd welcome the thoughts and experiences of others.
With thanks,
KCat
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Huat
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Estranged
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« Reply #7 on: December 02, 2017, 10:30:00 AM »

Hello KCat

I, too, am 74 and join you in being one of the older Moms posting on this board.  My story is not your story... .all stories differ... .but that doesn't prevent us from connecting... .our common bond being that our mother-hearts have a hurt.

Needless to say, you have a lot on your plate, KCat.  Life sure is not always fair, is it?

It is nice to read that you have sought out help for yourself and have gotten some wise advice from your pastor in that you have to take care of your own needs.  There is only so much we, as parents to our troubled children, can do.

You write... ."I'm 74 years old and not up to driving a long distance to a congested, major city and risky neighborhoods in a car that is 18 years old."  Hey!  I hear you!  That wouldn't/couldn't be on my agenda, either.  That doesn't make me nor you bad parents.  Everyone has limitations and it is important for each of us to recognize them.

I am so sorry that your daughter has all these health/social issues.  I so wish her well.  Keep the faith in knowing that all, really, is in God's hands.  Once again... .life isn't always fair and she, too, seems to have had more than her share.

Keep posting, KCat.  You have had some wonderful, caring responses/hugs from Incadove and Wendydarling... .and here is one   from me.

 
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incadove
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« Reply #8 on: December 03, 2017, 06:00:10 PM »

Hi KCat


I would really like to hear from someone who has a family member with both BPD and and severe medical issues.  I feel like I'm only recently facing the toll BPD has taken on me. 

Yes, that would be really good - I think you should start a new thread with that as the title, since most readers sort of glance down the titles to see which posts to read and answer.  A few people might be reading all the details but it might not be the ones who would really be able to answer you.

My only thought not having gone through that is to trust your gut, at some level you probably know what is right for you, and trust it.  Wishing the best for you and your daughter.
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wendydarling
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« Reply #9 on: December 03, 2017, 06:40:18 PM »

Great idea incadove, I've change the head title of this thread for Kcat to read 'Looking for parents ... .

WDx
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
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