BPD Husband

[Butterfly31]

Hello

I've been looking at this site for a while as I have recently found out my husband has BPD.

His original diagnosis was narcissism and this was when he was a teenager, this has since been reassessed and BPD was the outcome.

We have two children, been together 10 years, married for 5.

I found out about the personality issues 2 years ago... .it was suddenly like all the pieces of the jigsaw fitted together.

Things reached a head in August this year and in September my mental health took a turn and I felt in order to protect myself a trial separation would be the way forward.

Since this, it has opened up a huge can of worms... .the end result being an altercation between us both (alcohol induced) and now my love, my husband has been issued with a DVPO by the police for 28 days.

I wish I had kept my mouth shut and not opened up old wounds and this would never have happened. I totally blame myself.

So really I'm looking for advice... .support... .reassurance from people with spouses w/BPD and also from people living with BPD themselves.

Thank you x

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grateful81]

I can fully relate to your struggle Butterfly31!  I, myself, am currently separated from by BPD husband.  We separated after 5 years of marriage (together for 10 years) because I found myself getting overwhelmed and depressed with the intense moods and unpredictable arguments.  I had lost a sense of who I was because I had turned into his caregiver... his counselor... and sometimes I felt like his mother.
After we separated, he was diagnosed with BPD - and as you mentioned, suddenly all of the pieces seemed to fit together. 
I am sorry for the stress you are going through.  I find myself being torn between remembering the good times, being angry for all of the unnecessary drama and fighting, and reminding myself not to resort to the caregiver role I had been for 5 years.  It's almost like trying to find out who you are after years of having to be someone else just to maintain the peace in your home.  I'm not sure if that's the case for you too.
I know the emotional struggle you're going through, and I want you to know you're not alone.  There are other people just like you who are fighting the same fight.
Be strong, and do your best to focus on yourself and your children.  Always remember you are a good person, and remind yourself of that every single day.

[Jester20]

Hello

I've been looking at this site for a while as I have recently found out my husband has BPD.

His original diagnosis was narcissism and this was when he was a teenager, this has since been reassessed and BPD was the outcome.

We have two children, been together 10 years, married for 5.

I found out about the personality issues 2 years ago... .it was suddenly like all the pieces of the jigsaw fitted together.

Things reached a head in August this year and in September my mental health took a turn and I felt in order to protect myself a trial separation would be the way forward.

Since this, it has opened up a huge can of worms... .the end result being an altercation between us both (alcohol induced) and now my love, my husband has been issued with a DVPO by the police for 28 days.

I wish I had kept my mouth shut and not opened up old wounds and this would never have happened. I totally blame myself.

So really I'm looking for advice... .support... .reassurance from people with spouses w/BPD and also from people living with BPD themselves.

Thank you x

Sorry you are going through this. I want you to know that however you blame yourself ( and I do not know the full story) it is not your fault. Can I ask if your relationship in general is abusive? I only ask because women who normally blame themselves for things which are sometimes out of their control are normally in an abusive relationship.
I too found myself in this situation 3 years ago when my husband called the police on me after he was verbally abusive to me. Nothing happened and the police could see the situation for what it was but I do understand ( like many others on this board) how easy it is for things to escalate with our BPD spouses.
I am currently on a list to see a long term counsellor and my husband has been in group therapy for BPD for over a year and has 2 years left to do. I do see changes and he is really trying. However, it has to come from the person ... .you cannot do it for them.
Have you thought of counselling? To try and help you work through some past issues.

[Frankee]

Hi Butterfly.  It's good you found this forum.  I was extremely lost, broken, alone, and really at the end of my rope.  I didn't know what to do or where to even start feeling better.  This forum has been very helpful and the administrators and people or here have been very understanding.  It's nice to feel like I'm not completely crazy, that there is others going through very similar things or have been through and tell their stories about how they overcome.

In your current situation, I'm not sure if you are trying to reconcile and get back together?  Or are you trying to move forward with the separation?  Not saying whether to stay or leave, but if we knew which route you plan on taking, we can provide more accurate help and feedback.

Also, I have had the same feeling and thought of "if I had just kept my mouth shut".  I learned from a lot from being here, that I need to stop with that thought process.  It dangerous for your mental and physical health to constantly keep things bottled up or beat myself up over things that you can't control.  You can't control how he reacts or how he handles things.  All you can do is control your reactions, words, responses.  I too took a lot of the blame for how my BPH was react.  Granted there were times that I was not completely innocent in the matter.  Such as, I would egg him on when I knew better, started screaming/yelling back, doing or saying something I knew would escalate the problem.  I thought I was justified because I was tired, stressed, felt constantly attacked, thought he deserved to get back what he gives out.  All of that, all it did was cause my emotional/mental/physical state to completely deteriorate. 

It's not an easy road.  A lot of the members here can vouch for that.  Sometimes I feel crazy for staying with him.  Sometimes I feel I would go crazy without him.  I guess it's just a matter of what makes you happy.  Here is a very good starting place to get the guidance and tools that will help you start the healing process.

[Turkish]

How has it been going? Is he respecting the order? And how are your kids?