Temporary orders in place, wife (pwBPD) withholding children immediately

[RealityMgt]

The last thread was closed for length, and we're at a new chapter in the saga, so it's fitting to start a new thread.

Old thread, for context: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=314229

We received temporary orders from the magistrate at our first hearing, on 10/31. They were orally stated to be effective 11/1.  I would have Fri-Sat-Sun nights every other week and Tue-Wed nights every week. Because we had a trip for the kids with me to my parents out of state planned for the weekend of 11/10-11/12 and my wife had a trip with them out of state to her parents planned for 11/8-11/15, we agreed to push the start of the parenting plan orders back until today, which would be a "dad weekend".

Now, however, my wife is claiming that because "we don't agree" on the Thanksgiving schedule, because we "remember the orders differently" (they haven't been issued on paper yet), she can hold the kids this weekend until I agree to give her an extra day for the holiday. Specifically, we agreed Thanksgiving would be with me this year, because her nurse schedule requires her to work that day. Also, because she has to work that day, she agreed to let the kids stay with me Thursday night (she would get home after their bedtime, so we can't do an exchange).  She claims now, however, that because of that, she should get Tuesday night (my night every week).  My attorney doesn't recall that, and I don't recall that.  My wife is saying that until I agree to give her Tuesday, she won't let the kids go to me. 

Her words are:

We can either agree to the whole schedule for next week or we can continue current schedule until written orders are out.

She keeps saying that until the written orders are out, she doesn't need to follow them. 

My attorney is in court today and has limited ability to communicate. This all started yesterday and has continued to escalate.  I really feel like there's nothing I can besides pay the ransom. Anything else (taking this into my own hands) will be an escalation.

My attorney said this morning:

Rather than missing out on the time, why don’t you tell her that you will agree to the schedule she’s proposing since she is withholding time inappropriately and effectively leaving you no choice.  I’ll file a motion asking for an attorney conference to seek clarification of the schedule, on the grounds that she threatened to withhold the time if her schedule wasn’t accepted.

Feeling beat up and manipulated. 

As a lesser matter, but showing the same behavior, we were supposed to talk to my son (4 and a half) yesterday about divorce for the first time. I wanted to do so at the marital residence since it would be familiar and "safe" for him. I didn't want him overwhelmed by "daddy's apartment" since he doesn't even know it existed, and distracted from the main point: divorce. My wife insisted we talk at my place because (1) he's only 4 and can't understand living somewhere else until he sees it and (2) he should see it before he goes there. We went back and forth on this until finally my wife threatened to tell him without me if I wouldn't do the conversation at my apartment.  So, with the advice of my attorney and our child psychologist (who agreed it might be too overwhelming for him and to do it at his "home" would be better), I compromised with her and said come over to my place. That's when she responded with telling me she wouldn't do that until I gave her Tuesday. Then the whole Tuesday debate started.

Meanwhile my attorney has tried contacting hers multiple times and is getting no response. I'm not sure if my wife's attorney is the older, more experienced attorney whose firm it is (as she told  me it was and all court papers indicate) or the first year rookie attorney (age 27), who showed up for the hearing. In any case, no one is responding.

The BPD adventures are beginning earlier than expected.

[RealityMgt]

UPDATE

This happened while I was typing:

So I was wrong. I am sorry they are with you next tues night wed night and Thursday night with them back wed during day. I definitely misunderstood and I just talked to my lawyer about the schedule. I will bring them over tonight. Do you want to have the conversation when I bring them over? And where are you located?

Color me shocked.

[RealityMgt]

As you can see from my wife's statement, her lawyer clarified this for her.

Yesterday she claimed her lawyer told her to demand this "deal" with me and that the orders didn't have to be followed if they weren't physically issue yet.

Prior to talking to her lawyer, during the argument with me she was opposed to bring them into this, and said:

We could've agreed without lawyers involved about the days next week which was still 3 days like the court ordered just different days.

The court never ordered "three days" they ordered the typical schedule, plus Thanksgiving.

Now, today, regarding lawyers, she says:

Next time is the is something we don't know or disagree on what was said can we spare each other the frustrations and consult with the lawyer.

It's like a political campaign.  Her stance depends on what minute it is. 

[flourdust]

I'm glad that the current standoff was resolved!

Going forward, I strongly encourage you to put every. single. conversation. about custody, calendars, appointments, or any other plans involving the kid in writing. Send an email or a text or use Our Family Wizard. If you slip up and have a verbal conversation about planning, immediately send a recap via email. This is your paper trail. Expect to need it.

[RealityMgt]

Thanks, flourdust.

We have a court order to use of OFW for all communication.  We've been doing everything in there. The magistrate asked if we had objections, and my wife chimed in, "No, then I won't get anymore mean texts."  After, my lawyer said, "This is good for you, because she'll either cut the crap or be seen for what she is."

I agree. She hasn't toned down her bizarre rhetoric at all because she always thinks she's right. So if anything, my wife wants to use OFW all the time. She really believes that I am the one being difficult.  I'm fine with that.  It will be interesting to see how the GAL looks at all of this.  (My goodness, her rhetoric is so... .STRANGE... .no logic. stonewalling. blame. accusations. it's just WEIRD.)

[RealityMgt]

She's bringing the kids over at 5:00 today. We'll give our 2 y.o. Sesame Street to watch in her room while my explain to my son what's going on... .divorce... .two homes. This is going to be hard.

[Panda39]

I'm glad that the current standoff was resolved!

For the next 2 minutes   Until she feels something different about the situation.  Keep the email agreeing because you may need to re-send it to her when she changes her mind. To reminder her what she said.  My SO had to do this all the time.  His ex would try to escalate the drama to an argument and he would just email back what she already said and then it would be "radio silence".  Who's she going to argue with?  Herself? 

I agree continue to document, document, document... .

You are also not the first member here that had a spouse continue to do what they want on the rational that the orders had not been written.  Not written = not real.

Good luck with the conversation with the kiddos 

Panda39

[RealityMgt]

For the next 2 minutes ... .Until she feels something different about the situation.

Yes. I already know one issue that will arise. I'm waiting until today is over to bring that up. That is, she thinks the Thanksgiving parenting time with dad ends on Thursday evening (which we agreed to extend to Friday morning because she's working late on Thursday), but in fact it ends on Friday evening.   I've asked my attorney to align with her attorney on that before I tell her, just to avoid any hostage situations like the one we just went through.

I get the "radio silence". That was part and parcel to our marriage and is the same now, like with the "don't get attorneys" involved issue. After she said today "next time let's avoid the fight and just talk to attorneys" I told her I agreed, and told her that's why I went to my attorney yesterday. Then I quoted her message where her response to me going to my attorney was "we can do this without attorneys".  No response from her after that.

Thanks, Panda.

[flourdust]

My goodness, her rhetoric is so... .STRANGE... .no logic. stonewalling. blame. accusations. it's just WEIRD.

Sure, I get a ton of that. I can tell how triggered my ex is by how large the wall of text is that she sends me.   She also usually uses a subject line like "Co-Parenting Reminder," which might as well translate to "Incoming! Heavy fire!"

The BIFF approach is valuable here -- both for keeping your own sanity by staying out of pointless un-winnable debates and to show the court/custody evaluator that you are the reasonable, grounded parent.

My approach is to skim through the messages to see if there's anything that actually needs to be responded to. Venting, ranting, and blaming do not need responses. Questions about handoffs or other child care arrangements do. Then, I keep it as brief and factual as possible.

Having everything in OFW can be a great help. One technique I've used, when my ex insists on something incorrect, is to cite the date and time of the message where she previously agreed. If she says handoffs are Thursday night now, just cite the message where she agreed to Fridays. End of discussion.

The OFW calendar can also be very helpful. Load it with the parenting schedule, and specify down to the hour/minute when handoffs occur.