Lost

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife and I have been married for over 40 years. She was diagnosed with BPD about 30 years ago and things have been tough for a very long time.  3 of our children are living with us right now because of physical or severe mental health problems.  2 of them are adult women and both are divorced.  Between them, they have 5 children.  One of our former sons-in-law has remarried, but his 2 sons live with us.  I'm quite certain that he had BPD.  He's a real jerk and loves to criticize his sons. They hate going to his house.  The other former son-in-law hasn't remarried but he essentially has custody of 3 little girls.  He couldn't stand to live with our daughter anymore.  She's our youngest and she has been diagnosed as being bi-polar. She's the walking definition of a hypochondriac and something is always wrong with her.  She can't hold a job because she's always sick.
About two weeks ago, my wife became very angry one evening, said some very hurtful things, packed a couple of suitcases and left.  I've lost count of the number of times she has done this through the years and she has never apologized or recognized she has done anything wrong.  I thought she was staying with a relative of hers during the few days she was gone, but she was in a motel and she called one evening to say she couldn't afford to stay in the motel any longer and needed to come home.  In the past, when she has returned home, she has always acted as if nothing has happened and everything is normal.  This time, when she returned, she said she's looking for an apartment.  Today, she called to tell me that she's upset  no one has tried to convince her to stay with the rest of us and because of that she needs a place of her own.
Today, she's essentially begging me to tell her that I need her to live with us because I still love her and so do our children.  The truth is that I'm not sure what to do.  I don't love her as I used to because of the many times she has told me that she,"doesn't love me","will never love me","can't stand to be in the same house with me," etc. and then leaves.  Through the years, she has been gone anywhere from a few hours to a few days and she never lets me know where she is and if she's OK.  I'm sure I've pulled back from the relationship because of the hurt she has inflicted.  When she's not angry, the kids and grandchildren like to be around her.  She can be funny and kind.  But, no one knows when she'll snap or say something very negative and hurtful.  Now, she seems to have a chip on her shoulder all the time and we know that anything we say to her can trigger another episode. She can't afford an apartment of her own right now.  She doesn't want her relatives to know that she has a problem, so she doesn't want to stay with any of them.  She wants me to beg her to come back and to tell her I love her.  I don't know what to do.  I'm lost.

[Methos]

My wife and I have been married for over 40 years. She was diagnosed with BPD about 30 years ago and things have been tough for a very long time.  3 of our children are living with us right now because of physical or severe mental health problems.  2 of them are adult women and both are divorced.  Between them, they have 5 children.  One of our former sons-in-law has remarried, but his 2 sons live with us.  I'm quite certain that he had BPD.  He's a real jerk and loves to criticize his sons. They hate going to his house.  The other former son-in-law hasn't remarried but he essentially has custody of 3 little girls.  He couldn't stand to live with our daughter anymore.  She's our youngest and she has been diagnosed as being bi-polar. She's the walking definition of a hypochondriac and something is always wrong with her.  She can't hold a job because she's always sick.
About two weeks ago, my wife became very angry one evening, said some very hurtful things, packed a couple of suitcases and left.  I've lost count of the number of times she has done this through the years and she has never apologized or recognized she has done anything wrong.  I thought she was staying with a relative of hers during the few days she was gone, but she was in a motel and she called one evening to say she couldn't afford to stay in the motel any longer and needed to come home.  In the past, when she has returned home, she has always acted as if nothing has happened and everything is normal.  This time, when she returned, she said she's looking for an apartment.  Today, she called to tell me that she's upset  no one has tried to convince her to stay with the rest of us and because of that she needs a place of her own.
Today, she's essentially begging me to tell her that I need her to live with us because I still love her and so do our children.  The truth is that I'm not sure what to do.  I don't love her as I used to because of the many times she has told me that she,"doesn't love me","will never love me","can't stand to be in the same house with me," etc. and then leaves.  Through the years, she has been gone anywhere from a few hours to a few days and she never lets me know where she is and if she's OK.  I'm sure I've pulled back from the relationship because of the hurt she has inflicted.  When she's not angry, the kids and grandchildren like to be around her.  She can be funny and kind.  But, no one knows when she'll snap or say something very negative and hurtful.  Now, she seems to have a chip on her shoulder all the time and we know that anything we say to her can trigger another episode. She can't afford an apartment of her own right now.  She doesn't want her relatives to know that she has a problem, so she doesn't want to stay with any of them.  She wants me to beg her to come back and to tell her I love her.  I don't know what to do.  I'm lost.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Methos,

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope others with more experience will join us here and share their insights. As I read your story I think of all the times my h has made threats. He's only run off once, so far, but he has definitely worn down my feelings for him with his break up threats and extreme behavior. It is hard to have strong feelings of love when someone pushes you away so much. I do what I can to maintain my feelings, but it is not always easy. I do my best.

May I ask what your feelings are at this point? Do you feel any amount of love for her? Do you want her to stay or would you prefer her to go?

If you can't/don't feel "love" towards her... .can you express some validation/compassion that your living situation sounds as if it is highly stressful and that anyone might feel a need for a break from it? Even though her hurtful words were out of line it sounds, perhaps it is understandable to some degree that she got fed up? Can you relate to the feeling behind it if not the expression? 

Sounds like her leaving permanently is not an option unless she opens up to relatives. I'd so to go ahead and take "begging" her to come back off the table, that isn't productive for either of you. She may want to hear feelings and emotions from you, but you don't need to beg anyone to be with you ever, okay?   

Is there anything that can be done to make the living situation less stressful overall?