The relationship feels fake and untrustworthy.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi there I utilised this site a few years ago when my older BPD sister took it on herself to go no contact with me after, in her eyes, I had betrayed her (went to a celebration of an old boyfriend of hers, who happened to be an old one of mine )
Anyway, I decided to bust through this as it was really hurting our elderly parents and wanted to end the Mexican standoff, negative feelings and absurdity of her ignoring me when passing her in the street.
Since then we have avoided outbursts of anger- me and rage-her.
But as time has passed the other abusive and crazy behavior hasn't. The relationship feels fake and untrustworthy. It is draining and she insists on trying to groom me, seek solace with her dramas and relentlessly ignores my boundaries
I have had a psychologist on board for 7 years for support, have completed a diploma in counselling , went to a support group and tried to educate myself about her BPD. No, she won't seek therapeutic help and continues to crush people in her life.
The last two Christmases I have spent the day with her- she has no friends and last week I started to notice my anxiety ramping up as the holidays approach. So, I decided to not spend another Christmas day with her and practised ways to tell her and told her today not to make her plans around or with me this year. Of course, not a good response from her and now am braced for the backlash. It is going to be her going through her 'menu' of behaviours and it ain't going to be nice. Feeling drained and scared aaarrrrkkkk

[Fedup1]

Hi there I utilised this site a few years ago when my older BPD sister took it on herself to go no contact with me after, in her eyes, I had betrayed her (went to a celebration of an old boyfriend of hers, who happened to be an old one of mine )
Anyway, I decided to bust through this as it was really hurting our elderly parents and wanted to end the Mexican standoff, negative feelings and absurdity of her ignoring me when passing her in the street.
Since then we have avoided outbursts of anger- me and rage-her.
But as time has passed the other abusive and crazy behavior hasn't. The relationship feels fake and untrustworthy. It is draining and she insists on trying to groom me, seek solace with her dramas and relentlessly ignores my boundaries
I have had a psychologist on board for 7 years for support, have completed a diploma in counselling , went to a support group and tried to educate myself about her BPD. No, she won't seek therapeutic help and continues to crush people in her life.
The last two Christmases I have spent the day with her- she has no friends and last week I started to notice my anxiety ramping up as the holidays approach. So, I decided to not spend another Christmas day with her and practised ways to tell her and told her today not to make her plans around or with me this year. Of course, not a good response from her and now am braced for the backlash. It is going to be her going through her 'menu' of behaviours and it ain't going to be nice. Feeling drained and scared aaarrrrkkkk

[Struggles]

Hi Fedup,

I know how you feel, and I'm proud of you for taking a stand and taking back your holiday!  The holidays are especially dreadful for us this year, as we have also taken a stand against the abuse and went NC with my MIL.  We are doing Thanksgiving at our house this year, but will be around her on Christmas Day.  I dread this so much, but as we are especially close with the rest of our in laws, we will not let her abuse keep us away from them.  Especially the kids. 

I know you are scared and worried about the fallout this stand for yourself will bring, but just know that you are doing the right thing for you. 

If you feel like giving in to the guilt trips or rages that may come your way, just remember the way you have felt the last few holidays to help reassure yourself of your decision. 

Sending hope of peace and resolution your way!

[Fedup1]

Thanks for the support. Yes the backlash has begun and this time is easier as it all becomes clearer as to what/who I'm dealing with. My sister works her way through a behavioral menu.
She currently has her ___ badge on and is dropping insidious and abusive comments and quips, quoting things out of context to other family members and basically doing whatever she can to knock me down and make me out to be the bad guy.
She is such a lost soul but so clever in manipulating others. I can take her in small doses and am currently going LC and have banned her from coming into my house ( without announcing it to her- god forbid.) Phew it will get worse over the next few weeks and I really feel for those experiencing the same when it interferes with healthy family relations and any other relationships and friendships that they are privvy to. I can't let her know of any new friendships or contacts I make as she dives in and either takes ownership of them or sabotages/hoodwinks them away from me.with this crazy behaviour making their abandonment issues even worse as no one who realises what's going on wants to be near or open with them aaarrrkkk. Anyway it gets easier when coming out the other side of the fog and having a clearer understanding of it all helps with falling into depression/anxiety and smashing your heart and self esteem. Before I understood it, the stress made me gain a lot of weight, I felt stuck, angry and even became suicidal. Its easier now but still exhausting staying on guard and avoiding getting side swiped and falling into her ambushes and traps. Time to step back yes and it feels so much better telling her to make other plans for Christmas. There ain't no way I'm spending the day with her for a 3rd year in a row and hang the family backlash, she can tell them what she wants. I just need some air and space to breathe from her crazies that must be hard having a MIL and being straight up when they turn up the crazies yikes! Best wishes and yes, peace

[heartandwhole]

Hi Fedup1,

Welcome back to the community. I am glad that you posted, and that you have decided to spend your Christmas holiday with yourself, first and foremost.  

I just need some air and space to breathe from her crazies t

What are your plans for the holiday?

Do you have a support network around you, such as a partner, friends, other family with whom you can spend time if you want to?

Keep posting and let us know how we can support you. That's why we're here.  

heartandwhole